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To have a third baby.

106 replies

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 10:39

Ok, bit if back story to help.

I hope this isn't too long, but it probably will be.

I have a 3 and a half year old, I also have a two year old. I love them both dearly.

Had a few issues in the beginning and nearly lost the three year old (nothing health wise)

All was great, I then wanted a second baby (always said I would have more than one) things were great, she was our second chance, I was going to breastfeed without stress (milk ended up drying up due to stress with my first) this was our second chance to smoothly bring our child home.

So I was in labour, I was induced it was painful but it was going well. Small issue with the cord around her throats but all sorted, suctioned and all was well. Latched on perfectly and had a half hour feed, only stopped because I was tired and wanted a coffee (biggest regret of my life) I never got to feed her again.

Long story short, she ended up having a rare heart condition, no cure only treatment but she went into heart failure. Few months down the line we now have a transplanted child.

She does well, she gets stronger all is going as well as it could possibly go.

We finally get home.. at the grand age of 8 months old. We have never heard our child and didn't hear her until over a year old. She is quite delayed but catching up in her own time at her own pace. She is a little miracle.

I have severe depression linked with all that went on, I can hold my hands up and say (without any shame, finally) that I am grieving for the baby that I lost, although she is here she isn't a baby anymore, I haven't chosen anything for her except her clothes and toys. I will never choose her milk as she is tube fed I have never fed her from myself I lost a lot of milk that I expressed for her because our electric ran out while we were away (I had a whole freezer full).

I never got to put her in a pram, only a pushchair. I never got to put her in the first outfits we bought. She wasn't allowed clothes on until she was around 2/3 months old and even then only a sleepsuit with most of the buttons opened.

Her care has come down a lot but I am still extremely depressed. I think part of that depression is the loss of a baby (I hope I am not disrespectful to those who have lost a baby) I can't get over it, I don't think I ever will. I resent my daughters condition, I resent how it has made me feel but I could never resent her. She is beautiful and funny and has a great personality (even if she is a screamer).

I yearn for another baby I really do. I've held off for ages now (I've wanted one for a year lol) I'm just scared that it will be too hard.

This is awful of me but, I don't even wake when my youngest cries. Her dad does, but unless he is away or hasn't heard her (if he's fallen asleep down stairs) then I just don't wake to her. I struggle with our bond sometimes (it's gotten loads better, she will actually cry mama if she is hurt or upset and accepts a small cuddle) she struggles a lot with affection or being on your knee or in your arms, for a long time after getting home we couldn't hold her at all as she would scream and cry, it used to break my heart.

I'm wondering if another baby is wise, my head says it could be too hard and I may end up regretting it. My heart is screaming for another baby to the point I am sat here crying because I want that baby to love, I want to feed my own child I want my child to sleep in my room or in my bed (something I've never experienced with out youngest) it hurts more because our eldest loves affection, she loves a cuddle and snuggling up in bed when she isn't well and I miss that so much.

I want another baby for extremely silly reasons. To use a pram one last time, to breastfeed and feel that closeness that I was robbed of from both of my girls. To choose when to wean and have another child that will actually eat and enjoy trying new food.

Then there is the extra 5% chance that this baby will also have a heart condition.

I don't know what to do, I am so on the fence that I am ripping myself a new arsehole! I just want advice please, I understand where I have posted and I understand if I don't hear the responses I would like: I'm here for honest opinions on the situation I have typed up, I want to hear others thoughts and hopefully make a more informed choice.

So.. I guess my AIBU is, AIBU to want or have a third child?

I should say my partner is on board with whatever is decided as (in his words) he will never understand how I feel or what I have lost out on, but can see how upset and how changed I have become and just wants me to be happy.

I don't want to put any pressure on him regarding my happiness but I guess it's plain to see when I am crying or struggle to do anything.

Thank you for reading and I hope it wasn't too long.

OP posts:
witsender · 02/07/2017 10:47

I wouldn't. Work on the bond you have with your existing children, they and you deserve it.

How did you nearly lose your 3 yr old?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 02/07/2017 10:50

I am really so sorry for what you and your daughter have been through. That sounds incredibly hard and I'm not surprised you're still coming to terms with it all.

That said, no, I don't think another baby will help. You seem to be displacing a lot of your fear and grief responses onto the minutiae of baby care.

Breastfeeding, clothes choosing and weaning etc are the least important parts of caring for a child. Loving and responding to them are the bits that matter and you can still give your dd all of that. She is still a baby. She still needs your care.

You need to focus on making that bond as strong as it can be. Can you do that alone? Do you need some joint therapy or support?A new baby would only distract you from the babies you have.

Good luck.

upperlimit · 02/07/2017 10:51

I'm wondering if another baby is wise, my head says it could be too hard and I may end up regretting it.

I think you need to listen to your head. The head gets short shrift when it comes to deciding on another child but it has more compassion for your well-being than your biological drive for another child.

I think you need to be on top of this depression before you forge ahead. I have three kids and it's lovely when everything is going well but it can be grinding when the tide is against you.

34AQuid · 02/07/2017 10:52

You've been through a lot as a family.

Objectively, I would say that it would be best for you to work on getting yourself well again, making sure you and your family are happy and well and enjoying what you have already.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 02/07/2017 10:53

I don't think you're ready right now. You are very depressed and want a baby for all the wrong reasons. What if the next one has issues, what would you do then?

AddictedToDrPepper · 02/07/2017 10:55

I think that you should work on your mental health and your bond with your children first. What happens if your third has exactly the same problem as your second? How would you feel and how would you cope?

I am sorry for what your daughter has been through and the loss you feel but establishing your relationship with her comes first.

Introvertedbuthappy · 02/07/2017 10:56

I really really wouldn't have a third. It sounds like your daughter needs a lot of care and will continue to need that as she gets older. Your next child could also have the same condition. Throw in depression and it sounds a recipe for disaster I'm afraid.
Please make a GP appointment, it sounds like you need more support with your mental health. I'm sorry you're going through this.

AngelaTwerkel · 02/07/2017 10:58

Bringing up a child to adulthood is so, SO much more than breastfeeding or pushing a baby around in a pram. But I think you know that.

And there is of course a chance that a new baby won't be the ideal experience you're imagining, so what then? Another baby? Very few of us get the perfect baby experience (in my experience anyway!).

ChildishGambino · 02/07/2017 10:59

I don't know. Maybe now is not the time as you need to feel resilient enough to cope if there is a health issue with no.3 and from what you have said I'm not sure you're there. Have you had some counselling?

BeepBeepMOVE · 02/07/2017 11:02

I wouldn't. You should work on the family you have before adding another. Sounds like you'd end up even more separate from your youngest if you had a perfect baby to play with instead.

Tbh you sort of need to get over it. You got her home at 8 months you will get all her firsts, first walk, talk, etc.

PeaFaceMcgee · 02/07/2017 11:03

I agree with all the pp and in your shoes would reassess in 5yrs or so..

PenguinsAreAce · 02/07/2017 11:03

I have 4 DCs. Love them all dearly.

2 is the ideal number. There is a lot more than the baby/toddler stage, and in some ways it gets a lot harder and a lot more expensive.


Chchchchangeabout · 02/07/2017 11:04

I would work on sorting through your current feelings. That will be a good thing to do whether you try for another or not. And will help you decide more cleanly.

swingofthings · 02/07/2017 11:09

There is no right or wrong decision. It could go either way. You can't read the future, you can't say what will happen, you can't know how you will feel and whether it will sort out your depression or go the other way and make it even worse.

Many of us make decisions taking a gamble. I did when I decided to have my first child (for totally different reasons, but still a gamble). It turned out to be the absolute best decision I'd ever made in my life, even though if I'd asked advice, everyone would have said it was the stupidest decision to make.

Whatever decision you make, you need to accept the consequences fully though. Could you do that? Could you still be a good mum and wife and not live out of regrets if it doesn't go as you've wished. Would you be strong enough to carry on and make the best of what your life has given you?

mistermagpie · 02/07/2017 11:13

I don't think you should, at least not right now. Having a child to fill a gap, any gap, is never a good idea. It sounds like you want baby 3 to fill the gap of 'baby' 2 which was taken because of her ill health. Also think about how you could cope if a third baby had health problems? It might happen.

I would hold off and work on bonding with the child you already have. Any baby is only a baby for a tiny amount of time anyway, she was always going to grow out of the pram or the tiny clothes, regardless of her being poorly.

user1496604328 · 02/07/2017 11:15
SittingAround1 · 02/07/2017 11:17

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
Are there any support groups or counciling available for parents who've had to deal with a child's serious illness?

I don't think having a third child would be a good idea. You need to concentrate on establishing a bond with your second child not trying to recreate a perfect babyhood with another.

They both need you now and you need to also look after yourself as well for the benefit of your family.

You need to accept your grief for your daughter's lost babyhood and concentrate on giving her a good childhood.

user1496604328 · 02/07/2017 11:17

Didn't you do all that stuff with your first?

Narnia72 · 02/07/2017 11:19

How old are you OP? Is there time, biologically, to put the decision off for a while? I'm not sure how old your youngest is, but if you've been through a heart transplant with her that's really tough in every way. The poignant way you describe your only bf experience with her sounds like you've got a lot to work through emotionally. I hope you know rationally that it wasn't the cup of coffee that changed anything lovely. I would suggest that you put the decision off for a year, and get all of you to a better place, try and find the joy in raising your kids at the staggers they're at, and get some counselling to cope with the nightmare you've been through. Then see how you both feel.

I have 3 kids, all thankfully healthy and no traumas. However, I am overwhelmed at times. I love them all dearly, but I constantly feel torn between them and their needs, and they need so much emotional support as they get older (9,7,5). When it works, it's brilliant and I couldn't be happier, but when it's tough for one (one is being badly bullied atm) the knock on effects are massive, and draining. I am a real baby person, and I really miss the baby stage. I'd have another baby in a heartbeat, but not another child. Does that make sense?

Lonelymummyof1 · 02/07/2017 11:32

I never held my DD until 9 days old, never saw her until she was 24 hours old.
Never took her home until she was basically nearly 2.
So can see where you are coming from and I feel like I missed the baby stage but for me if it was the only reason I had to have another I would not x

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 11:33


I did do all that with my first, except breastfeeding as it stopped at 5 months due to stress.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but in answer to the questions as to why I nearly 'lost' my first. I nearly lost her to social services at two days old, we couldn't leave the hospital and I got treat really badly and accused of deliberately dropping or punching her in her head they said she had a bleed, a second expert confirmed no bleed. She was put on the child protection list etc so I didn't get to enjoy her as such for a long time as I was so scared we would never get home with her. Only for the fact I chose to reastfeed was I able to stay in the hospital with her.

In regards to counselling and my depression. I have had counselling and it has helped a lot, I'm a lot better where I am now than I was a few months ago.

My depression is quite well controlled, I mostly cry for the loss of her babyhood(?) which I know seems silly but I can't help it. I've only ever wanted to be a mum and both times it has gone slightly wrong.

In response to what would I do if I had another poorly child, I wouldcope I would have to. I also wouldn't keep having babies to fill a hole although I understand that is kind of what I want to do now. I understand and can use my head enough to know not to keep going down that route.

I'm not after a "perfect" baby, just a baby that I can bring home and not worry if they are going to die every second of every day.

I think I find it hard because, from giving birth to diagnosis I had no time to enjoy my baby as mummy instincts kicked in and I knew something wasn't right so I was on alert and when I felt something was definitely wrong I called the midwife and my baby was taken from me I didn't hear anything for hours. From that point on I was called to the hospital repeatedly and told to say goodbye, I couldn't touch or talk to my child because she was so sick. After transplant at three months old I agin couldn't hold her at all. Before transplant I held my child twice, and both times the nurses had to rush her back into the incubator as my touch distressed her and her heart rate fell and her sats dropped so quickly. Probably my fault the second time I held her as I was shaking and crying so much because she was about 8 weeks old and it was my second time holding her since being admitted.

I understand how silly it is to be upset about not using a pram, it's just that I bought a double not long before she was born with all the baby attatchments and by the time she got home she wasn't allowed near shopping centres or parks etc so we never left the house so it never got used. When it did get used my eldest was lily walking so I downsized (after her ventilator etc wasn't needed) to a pushchair. So as much as I get that it's silly it's a big part of the excitement for me.

I hope I've answered everything, if I haven't please ask again.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 11:36

Just to add. I do make sure she has a great childhood. I'm still her mum and I still love her as frustrating as some things can be at times but I think everyone has their own little stresses to get through.

She is well looked after and quite possibly a little too spoilt lol

I love her and I show this everyday, it's just hard having to put your child through pain alsmot daily depending on her mood. I have no choice in that unfortunately.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 11:40

Lily was meant to be already*

OP posts:
Atkinsfat · 02/07/2017 11:45

It sounds like you have been through hell! I would wait a couple of years and then maybe have another (providing you have age on your side)

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 11:50

I do. My partner not so much lol

He doesn't want to be too old of a dad and I don't blame him lol

If we were to wait five years, which I'm ok with. He would be 46 so still young enough but he plans on being stay at home dad and I plan for a career (start college this year). He has a few physical issues so running around after a toddler at close to 50 doesn't seem like too much fun lol

OP posts:
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