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AIBU?

To have a third baby.

106 replies

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 10:39

Ok, bit if back story to help.

I hope this isn't too long, but it probably will be.

I have a 3 and a half year old, I also have a two year old. I love them both dearly.

Had a few issues in the beginning and nearly lost the three year old (nothing health wise)

All was great, I then wanted a second baby (always said I would have more than one) things were great, she was our second chance, I was going to breastfeed without stress (milk ended up drying up due to stress with my first) this was our second chance to smoothly bring our child home.

So I was in labour, I was induced it was painful but it was going well. Small issue with the cord around her throats but all sorted, suctioned and all was well. Latched on perfectly and had a half hour feed, only stopped because I was tired and wanted a coffee (biggest regret of my life) I never got to feed her again.

Long story short, she ended up having a rare heart condition, no cure only treatment but she went into heart failure. Few months down the line we now have a transplanted child.

She does well, she gets stronger all is going as well as it could possibly go.

We finally get home.. at the grand age of 8 months old. We have never heard our child and didn't hear her until over a year old. She is quite delayed but catching up in her own time at her own pace. She is a little miracle.

I have severe depression linked with all that went on, I can hold my hands up and say (without any shame, finally) that I am grieving for the baby that I lost, although she is here she isn't a baby anymore, I haven't chosen anything for her except her clothes and toys. I will never choose her milk as she is tube fed I have never fed her from myself I lost a lot of milk that I expressed for her because our electric ran out while we were away (I had a whole freezer full).

I never got to put her in a pram, only a pushchair. I never got to put her in the first outfits we bought. She wasn't allowed clothes on until she was around 2/3 months old and even then only a sleepsuit with most of the buttons opened.

Her care has come down a lot but I am still extremely depressed. I think part of that depression is the loss of a baby (I hope I am not disrespectful to those who have lost a baby) I can't get over it, I don't think I ever will. I resent my daughters condition, I resent how it has made me feel but I could never resent her. She is beautiful and funny and has a great personality (even if she is a screamer).

I yearn for another baby I really do. I've held off for ages now (I've wanted one for a year lol) I'm just scared that it will be too hard.

This is awful of me but, I don't even wake when my youngest cries. Her dad does, but unless he is away or hasn't heard her (if he's fallen asleep down stairs) then I just don't wake to her. I struggle with our bond sometimes (it's gotten loads better, she will actually cry mama if she is hurt or upset and accepts a small cuddle) she struggles a lot with affection or being on your knee or in your arms, for a long time after getting home we couldn't hold her at all as she would scream and cry, it used to break my heart.

I'm wondering if another baby is wise, my head says it could be too hard and I may end up regretting it. My heart is screaming for another baby to the point I am sat here crying because I want that baby to love, I want to feed my own child I want my child to sleep in my room or in my bed (something I've never experienced with out youngest) it hurts more because our eldest loves affection, she loves a cuddle and snuggling up in bed when she isn't well and I miss that so much.

I want another baby for extremely silly reasons. To use a pram one last time, to breastfeed and feel that closeness that I was robbed of from both of my girls. To choose when to wean and have another child that will actually eat and enjoy trying new food.

Then there is the extra 5% chance that this baby will also have a heart condition.

I don't know what to do, I am so on the fence that I am ripping myself a new arsehole! I just want advice please, I understand where I have posted and I understand if I don't hear the responses I would like: I'm here for honest opinions on the situation I have typed up, I want to hear others thoughts and hopefully make a more informed choice.

So.. I guess my AIBU is, AIBU to want or have a third child?

I should say my partner is on board with whatever is decided as (in his words) he will never understand how I feel or what I have lost out on, but can see how upset and how changed I have become and just wants me to be happy.

I don't want to put any pressure on him regarding my happiness but I guess it's plain to see when I am crying or struggle to do anything.

Thank you for reading and I hope it wasn't too long.

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AddictedToDrPepper · 02/07/2017 15:38

With the greatest of respect, if neithet of you is working then another baby really should not be considered no matter what your state of mind or wants are.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 15:44

Addicted why not? We are saving a lot of money by not working. If you want nurses and resources used up then yh I'll gladly go and get a little job, give up college tell my partner to get a job and use the governments money to look after our child while we are both away, because she can't go to a normal childminder.

I've already said if anything goes wrong this time to would be it, I'm not stupid enough to keep having baby after baby until ta "perfect" I don't even know what perfect means? I just want the baby to be healthy above anything, I don't understand why people keep saying I want a perfect baby when I don't understand that?

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 15:45

Just to add, you don't get money for anymore children after having two so what's the actual issue?

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AddictedToDrPepper · 02/07/2017 15:50

Because neither of you are working and able to support yourselves or your current children, let alone another baby. I thought that was fairly obvious?

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Jellycatspyjamas · 02/07/2017 15:51

"Can you imagine never having a part in your child's start in life? Never having a say? It's hard."

Yes, it is hard but many parents have this experience - both birth parents and parents who adopt. It's hard but not insurmountable and not something to make up for by having another. There's nothing wrong with wanting another child, and it's good to see you recognise that now perhaps isn't the best time.

Do get some proper therapy for the feelings you have about both children's early months - understanding what's so vitally important about those experiences for you will help when it comes time to have another. Lots of people don't get that experience and move past it, having very satisfying relationships with their little ones.

Your feelings aren't wrong but they aren't the best basis for making major decisions.

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DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 15:57

I just want the baby to be healthy above anything

You have two children who are well now, and who need you. Your point seems to be that you want a healthy BABY. But babies don't say babies for ever.

You are depressed, your financial situation isn't great, your husband has health issues, and you already have two children, one of them with health issues. As a PP said, you have already a lot on your plate. Having a third child would not fix you or your situation, as you seem to believe. And it really wouldn't be fair on the poor child (or your existing children).

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NicolasFlamel · 02/07/2017 16:07

If neither of you are working and you're on benefits then you really shouldn't have anymore kids. You have two already, you won't get financial help for a third so if you're already struggling it's really unfair on your existing children to bring another into the mix. If your child requires two carers then it honestly sounds like you have enough on your plate Sad
Honestly I would look at more help for your depression. Counselling or some sort of therapy because you're looking for answers in the wrong place and it will have repercussions for innocent children.

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NorthernLurker · 02/07/2017 16:10

Op I wouldn't pay a lot of attention to the majority of posters here. What you are articulating is a very particular type of loss that is hard to understand if you haven't felt anything like it yourself.

My first child was born healthy and happy. My second likewise and I was over the moon with my second little girl. When she was six weeks I took her for her check at the gp. I had my toddler with me and was by myself as I had no inkling there were any concerns. The GP heard a heart murmur. He said not to worry but he would refer us to hospital. Dd2 seemed perfectly well but I felt a huge fear, like nothing I've felt before or since. I went home and sobbed my heart out. She was ultimately diagnosed with pulmonary stenosis. She is now 16 and has not yet required intervention. We have been very lucky.

Nevertheless her heart condition was a shadow over me for her first years and a desire to have the baby time again without that was definitely part of my desire for a third child. There are no guarantees ever but we did have a third child and she doesn't have a heart condition. Her babyhood was a present I gave myself.

So I think I do get where you're coming from. I think you need to think about your existing children's needs very carefully. It's likely your second child will spend some time in hospital as she grows. Do you feel you and your partner can manage that sort of situation with another small child in the mix too?

I think you're right that this would help you though, I think it would make a big difference actually. Good luck.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 16:11

I know they don't stay babies forever. Do some of you really believe I am that thick?

We couldn't work, and I have already explained this but I will explain again.

Our daughter needed 2:1 care how on earth did you expect we work?

Now her care has gone down somewhat I am going back to college to learn so I can get a decent job. While our daughter still has an ng tube (that only I can pass) college will work fine, a job not so much. Although we have community nurses they can't always get out in time so it would mess up her feeding routine if I were to work and not able to leave, at college I have the luxury of passing a tube if necessary, given I will only be out either a few hours a day or a few days a week.

Having another child would not make any difference financially as I will still be in education for a while before I get a job and our youngest will still need 1:1 care.

Has that cleared that up?

I'd ended up sharing more information than I intended too because I have to constantly defend myself.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 16:15

nicolas financially we are fine, we have everything with need and a few extras, things like a big appliances can't be replaced straight away if they break but we can save up or if it's something like a washing machine etc then we can ask for help as clean clothes is a necessity especially for a transplant child.

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AddictedToDrPepper · 02/07/2017 16:16

No one is attacking you or asking you to defend yourself. We're simply giving you the opinions you've asked for... A third child would make a massive financial difference when neither of you are working and college loans are not going to cut it. Neither is carers allowance or income support.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 16:19

Northern what you have described is exactly it.

I love my child and I love that she is here, but to lose so much is extremely hard. To not be allowed to touch your precious little baby, to not be allowed to talk to them for months because they get too excited and all their vitals start failing it's really hard to process.

I just want another chance to be a mummy to a little baby, it may never happen again and I'm scared to live with regrets.

I'm also in a country that doesn't allow abortions unless medically necessary, so even I fall pregnant by accident I have to deal with it.

I had a pregnancy scare recently, got the morning after people but still had that two week wait until she showed up let me know if I was or not (thankfully she did) during that wait though, given that I cannot have an abortion I think I got used to the idea of having a baby and now it's something I'm considering again. I've gone the last 10 months not wanting another baby, then that happened. I just thought I'd ask for advice and I appreciate all that is given.

The comments about the way I live my life and our money situation etc I did not expect though and that has thrown me.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 16:21

I wasn't planning on any college loans. I don't see why I would need them to be honest.

They said they can help with gas, electricity etc but even that I'm not going to apply for.

An extra child really isn't going to cost much and by the time they do I'll have a job and be better off, will never have childcare to pay for because my partner will be the SAHP so no worries there. Not sure what difficulties I'm meant to be having? As long as we budget we are fine and don't go without. I could do with actually saving more and plan to though.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 16:22

We get ESA, child benefit and tax credits and high rate DLA for the youngest.

It's enough and I'm greatful for it, I don't see myself as poor just skint sometimes.

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JoandMax · 02/07/2017 16:26

OP I really feel for you and everthing you've been through. My second son had a lot of health issues and spent a lot of time in hospital - polar opposite to my experience with my first!

I really really wouldn't advise having a 3rd at the moment. Some counseling would I'm sure also benefit you.

I went through an intense feeling of broodiness when DS2 was around 2 years old, it consumed me. But it wasn't for the right reasons, I wanted a chance to do it again and for it all to be ok as then (in my mind) what had happened to DS2 would be ok. Except it's not ok and it never will be ok. A gravely ill child stuck in hospital and having major surgery is traumatic and heart breaking and shocks you to the very core of your being. It's grieving for the babyhood they should of had and is a long hard process.

Although we tried I didn't conceive a 3rd baby, but I'm glad it didn't happen now (my son is 7) as I needed to work through my feelings and come to accept what had happened. I'm 99% of the way there now and am very happy with the family I have.

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AddictedToDrPepper · 02/07/2017 16:26

An extra child isn't going to cost much Hmm I see. Perhaps I'm completely ignorant in this, what with actually being pregnant with my third child, working and still struggling to get everything I need for this baby. I should just give up my job and claim benefits then since apparently you're able to afford college, two children and consider yet another baby while on them.

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BewareOfDragons · 02/07/2017 16:50

I don't think you should have another baby. You are trying to fix your feelings by having a baby. Not a good idea.

I think you should focus on the two children you have. As the second one appears to need a lot of time, attention and resources (from limited resources if you are both not working and carers), the first one will already by struggling for attention by the sounds of it. And you want to divert more attention and resources from your first child by having another? Please don't.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 16:54

I said it isn't going to cost much and when it does I will have a job.

I'm sorry that people are struggling we do as well but I won't sit here and lie and say we are poor and starving because we aren't.

I didn't say everyone should sit on benefits. I see it has become all about my finances now.
The reason I am going to college which is free.. is to better my chances at a decent job I didn't realise that was wrong.

I have repeatedly said now we are going to wait it's just something that hit me today and I feel really broody and the want for a child that I managed to suppress has come back ten times stronger. I know why this is, I think.

Today is my child's birthday and all the memories of that day have come back and it has upset me, I can't help that and if I could I would.

I won't even get extra money for a third child so I fail to see why it is an issue if I choose to have one.

We didn't decide to be on benefits it's what had to happen to bring our child home, to train the way we needed we couldn't have worked to travel so far from home and live with our child at hospital is not something we could have done while working. What is it about not having a choice to be on benefits do you not understand?

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 16:56

Both my children get plenty of attention, it was a slight issue when care needs were so high but attention is given as equally as we can now and I'm struggling to see why people think we aren't fulfilling the children's needs.

I have had counselling and have repeatedly said it has helped and I am much better now than I was, unfortunately with depression it can come in waves and today happened to be a bad day for wanting another baby. I'm sorry that I feel that way I truly am but I don't choose to feel this way.

I will say it again though and I hope people pay attention this time. We will be waiting and I will finish college and reassess wanting another baby then.

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 02/07/2017 16:57

Further education isn't wrong! But taking time off work / caring responsibilities for further study is a luxury that many working people can't afford. You are lucky in that respect.

But it isn't all about your finances, of course not! Tbh, you appear to be ignoring the sensible advice on here, becoming defensive and leaping down the throats of anyone who you feel is criticising you.

I hope you reach the right decision for your whole family, not just yourself. So sorry again for the hard time you've had Flowers.

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 02/07/2017 16:57

And glad to hear you'll be waiting for a bit.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 16:59

I've already taken the advice what more can I do?

Am I meant to not explain my side of things or just accept that everyone else is right and not question anything.

I asked if it was wise to have another child, the majority have said it isn't. I respect that and have listened and have repeatedly said now we will NOT have another child and will rethink it after I've completed college.

I'm sorry that I am able to go to college and it will be free but I thought it was for the best.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 16:59

I apologise Decaff I didn't see your next comment until after I posted. Thank you for noticing that I am going to wait.

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ProfessorBranestawm · 02/07/2017 17:06

I would bear in mind that even if you get the 'perfect' baby experience it doesn't mean PND wont happen. In some ways given your previous experiences it is more likely TBH. Sorry I know that's really negative it's just my experience that sometimes having things go right can actually make you even sadder about what went wrong the previous time, and it's something worth considering. Nothing shameful about PND of course but being prepared to accept it is a risk definitely helps. :)

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ProfessorBranestawm · 02/07/2017 17:09

I think it's great you are going to college BTW

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