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AIBU?

To have a third baby.

106 replies

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 10:39

Ok, bit if back story to help.

I hope this isn't too long, but it probably will be.

I have a 3 and a half year old, I also have a two year old. I love them both dearly.

Had a few issues in the beginning and nearly lost the three year old (nothing health wise)

All was great, I then wanted a second baby (always said I would have more than one) things were great, she was our second chance, I was going to breastfeed without stress (milk ended up drying up due to stress with my first) this was our second chance to smoothly bring our child home.

So I was in labour, I was induced it was painful but it was going well. Small issue with the cord around her throats but all sorted, suctioned and all was well. Latched on perfectly and had a half hour feed, only stopped because I was tired and wanted a coffee (biggest regret of my life) I never got to feed her again.

Long story short, she ended up having a rare heart condition, no cure only treatment but she went into heart failure. Few months down the line we now have a transplanted child.

She does well, she gets stronger all is going as well as it could possibly go.

We finally get home.. at the grand age of 8 months old. We have never heard our child and didn't hear her until over a year old. She is quite delayed but catching up in her own time at her own pace. She is a little miracle.

I have severe depression linked with all that went on, I can hold my hands up and say (without any shame, finally) that I am grieving for the baby that I lost, although she is here she isn't a baby anymore, I haven't chosen anything for her except her clothes and toys. I will never choose her milk as she is tube fed I have never fed her from myself I lost a lot of milk that I expressed for her because our electric ran out while we were away (I had a whole freezer full).

I never got to put her in a pram, only a pushchair. I never got to put her in the first outfits we bought. She wasn't allowed clothes on until she was around 2/3 months old and even then only a sleepsuit with most of the buttons opened.

Her care has come down a lot but I am still extremely depressed. I think part of that depression is the loss of a baby (I hope I am not disrespectful to those who have lost a baby) I can't get over it, I don't think I ever will. I resent my daughters condition, I resent how it has made me feel but I could never resent her. She is beautiful and funny and has a great personality (even if she is a screamer).

I yearn for another baby I really do. I've held off for ages now (I've wanted one for a year lol) I'm just scared that it will be too hard.

This is awful of me but, I don't even wake when my youngest cries. Her dad does, but unless he is away or hasn't heard her (if he's fallen asleep down stairs) then I just don't wake to her. I struggle with our bond sometimes (it's gotten loads better, she will actually cry mama if she is hurt or upset and accepts a small cuddle) she struggles a lot with affection or being on your knee or in your arms, for a long time after getting home we couldn't hold her at all as she would scream and cry, it used to break my heart.

I'm wondering if another baby is wise, my head says it could be too hard and I may end up regretting it. My heart is screaming for another baby to the point I am sat here crying because I want that baby to love, I want to feed my own child I want my child to sleep in my room or in my bed (something I've never experienced with out youngest) it hurts more because our eldest loves affection, she loves a cuddle and snuggling up in bed when she isn't well and I miss that so much.

I want another baby for extremely silly reasons. To use a pram one last time, to breastfeed and feel that closeness that I was robbed of from both of my girls. To choose when to wean and have another child that will actually eat and enjoy trying new food.

Then there is the extra 5% chance that this baby will also have a heart condition.

I don't know what to do, I am so on the fence that I am ripping myself a new arsehole! I just want advice please, I understand where I have posted and I understand if I don't hear the responses I would like: I'm here for honest opinions on the situation I have typed up, I want to hear others thoughts and hopefully make a more informed choice.

So.. I guess my AIBU is, AIBU to want or have a third child?

I should say my partner is on board with whatever is decided as (in his words) he will never understand how I feel or what I have lost out on, but can see how upset and how changed I have become and just wants me to be happy.

I don't want to put any pressure on him regarding my happiness but I guess it's plain to see when I am crying or struggle to do anything.

Thank you for reading and I hope it wasn't too long.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 17:17

professor I didn't not think of it like that, that is a good point. I have loads to think about. Definitely still waiting though, I feel much calmer having posted though and I think I just got way too emotional earlier and it's almost like a craving when you want a baby.

Thank you, I'm so nervous lol I've never experienced college before and I'm hoping getting some equivalents to GCSE and A levels will help me with uni or even just a job.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 17:18

Did not*

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 02/07/2017 17:18

College is a peace of piss compared to raising two children! You'll be absolutely grand.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 17:21

Thank you, that helps a lot lol mostly just scared I'm not smart enough to do the one job in the world I would adore to do. I like to think I'm smart enough but we will soon see Grin

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 02/07/2017 18:02

*piece of piss ffs! There's that languages degree in action Blush.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 18:28

You're not giving me much hope 😂

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Brittbugs80 · 02/07/2017 18:52

I wouldn't. It sounds like you only had the second to try and make up for things that went wrong with the first. Now the third would be to make up for things that went wrong with the second.

Concentrate on getting yourself in a good space and looking after the two you have. They don't need a sibling to make up for their "shortcomings"

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 19:06

If that's how you have taken it, then you haven't read a word of what I have said.

It's funny though because I've said numerous times now that I planned for more than one child before I even fell pregnant with the first, shame how some people seem to miss that.

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Laiste · 02/07/2017 19:07

OP i'd just like to pick up on something you said earlier:

Surely if your depression is caused by a loss of certain things then replacing will help?

I don't want to go into details but in my experience i have to say a big fat no to that :( :(

'Replacing' does zero. It's very complicated. My best 'in a nut shell' explanation is it's a bit like saying ''i wont miss my chopped off leg if i grow another arm''. You cannot change the past. I mean this kindly; one child - or one stage of a child - cannot be replaced.

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Laiste · 02/07/2017 19:09

You are free to have as many children as you please. I have no probs with that. I just don't want you believing having a third will heal you though. You're heading for trouble that way Flowers

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Brittbugs80 · 02/07/2017 19:29

, she was our second chance,

Well, you clearly said the second child was your second chance...

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Brittbugs80 · 02/07/2017 19:32

I want that baby to love, I want to feed my own child I want my child to sleep in my room or in my bed (something I've never experienced with out youngest)

And that's what you want the third one for, to make up for what you missed with the second.

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Brittbugs80 · 02/07/2017 19:35

And you might have planned for more than one child but your reasons for having them seem like they have changed. Rather than having more than one for the reasons of wanting children and a big family, you have listed what you feel you have missed out on on each child.

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AnUtterIdiot · 02/07/2017 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notgivingin789 · 02/07/2017 19:59

Anutteridiot is spot on. Not to be harsh OP, but it seems like it's all about your wants and needs.

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 02/07/2017 20:06

you're not giving me much hope

On the contrary surely! If I can earn a degree, then I'm sure you can too Smile. And I also blame baby brain for all!

Glad you're waiting a bit op. I'm sure things will seem a lot different in a few years. All the best.

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ProphetOfDoom · 02/07/2017 20:08

On a practical note, you don't get child benefit for a third child. In fact the whole revised benefits system is designed to provide support for two but not 3 children. I think extreme financial hardship is not going to improve your mental well-being or your family's well-being. I know that's got nothing to do with feelings but being poor is highly stressful & miserable.

And I'm not unsympathetic, I really do understand the yearning for a third either to repeat the experience as it was so magical or to have a completely different experience because it was so tough. But that's you looking to the third to make things better when in fact it's you who need healing. The starting college and moving on to a new phase in your life is part of that healing.

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ProfessorBranestawm · 02/07/2017 20:28

Is child benefit stopping after two then, I thought it was just the tax credit bit?

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ProphetOfDoom · 02/07/2017 20:33

You're right ProfB, apologies,it's the tax credits that stop.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 22:30

laist I said that was my thought process, that's how I seen it but I knows that's not right.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 22:36

Thank you decaff

In response to there who have recently posted.

Yes it is all selfish reasons on my part for a third. I gurantee you though that my second is loved and we have a closer bond than I thought we would have and things keep getting better. I was in a worse place this morning than I am proud to admit but I assure you my child is well loved and looked after and I'm making up for her lost time as much as I can, there was always either me or my partner at her bedside, we learnt everything and thensome as quickly and as efficiently as we would. In fact we asked for training to start as we couldn't wait to get her home she is well cared for and loved as equally as her sister and I couldn't be more proud and amazed by her than I already am.

I am waiting and I have actually spent more time one on one today with her playing and singing her favourtie songs (she knows the actions for five little ducks and will do them when she wants me to sing it to her) i love nursery rhymes lol

I understand my reasons for wanting a third do sound awful and I am waiting til I am in an even better place than I am now. I promise though and child that I want is cared for and never treated ly differently (if anything our youngest gets away with more sometimes Blush ) I don't want you all thinking I am horrible.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 22:39

I really want a career and I think today was just a blip. No more babies for me until I'm where I want to be in life, and right now I want to be in a good career and focus on work and the family I have. So no more babies here, I also have a doctors appointment soon and will be asking for the implant.

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MrsBobDylan · 03/07/2017 07:13

Just quickly op, I understand your feeling that you lost your 2nd baby and now have a different child to the one you thought you had. It is grief for what you lost.

I have experienced that and got counselling which really helped. I waited four years to have another child because I knew I needed to resolve that feeling of loss. Seven years down the line and I am in a much better place.

I think don't rule another child out but give it lots of time. At the moment you are depressed, grieving the child you thought you had and trying to build a bond with the child you have. None of those issues will be helped by another baby.

Also, on a really practical note, it took me a few years to be able to manage my child's additional care needs without feeling completely exhausted.

You are right to wait and good luck for the future.

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 03/07/2017 07:23

I wonder if the blip this morning was maybe brought on in part by anxiety about starting your course op.

Btw you sound very intelligent, thoughtful and sensible in your posts (aside from maybe your op which I know was you maybe not thinking straight). You will fly through college with a bit of work! Good luck!

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belmontian · 03/07/2017 08:51

Can you imagine never having a part in your child's start in life?

But you did have a part in both your dc early life. I assume that first time around you were supervised but you were still parenting? And second time around your dd was in hospital but you were still lovingly parenting her? It may not be the experiences that you wanted OP, but that is often how parenting works out!

I would certainly not have another baby based on your reasons that you have outlined. The third baby may not be healthy or circumstances may be worse than the previous two times, so what will happen then? I would advise you to have therapy to address what you feel you have lost and concentrate on the two dc you have Flowers

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