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To have a third baby.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 10:39

Ok, bit if back story to help.

I hope this isn't too long, but it probably will be.

I have a 3 and a half year old, I also have a two year old. I love them both dearly.

Had a few issues in the beginning and nearly lost the three year old (nothing health wise)

All was great, I then wanted a second baby (always said I would have more than one) things were great, she was our second chance, I was going to breastfeed without stress (milk ended up drying up due to stress with my first) this was our second chance to smoothly bring our child home.

So I was in labour, I was induced it was painful but it was going well. Small issue with the cord around her throats but all sorted, suctioned and all was well. Latched on perfectly and had a half hour feed, only stopped because I was tired and wanted a coffee (biggest regret of my life) I never got to feed her again.

Long story short, she ended up having a rare heart condition, no cure only treatment but she went into heart failure. Few months down the line we now have a transplanted child.

She does well, she gets stronger all is going as well as it could possibly go.

We finally get home.. at the grand age of 8 months old. We have never heard our child and didn't hear her until over a year old. She is quite delayed but catching up in her own time at her own pace. She is a little miracle.

I have severe depression linked with all that went on, I can hold my hands up and say (without any shame, finally) that I am grieving for the baby that I lost, although she is here she isn't a baby anymore, I haven't chosen anything for her except her clothes and toys. I will never choose her milk as she is tube fed I have never fed her from myself I lost a lot of milk that I expressed for her because our electric ran out while we were away (I had a whole freezer full).

I never got to put her in a pram, only a pushchair. I never got to put her in the first outfits we bought. She wasn't allowed clothes on until she was around 2/3 months old and even then only a sleepsuit with most of the buttons opened.

Her care has come down a lot but I am still extremely depressed. I think part of that depression is the loss of a baby (I hope I am not disrespectful to those who have lost a baby) I can't get over it, I don't think I ever will. I resent my daughters condition, I resent how it has made me feel but I could never resent her. She is beautiful and funny and has a great personality (even if she is a screamer).

I yearn for another baby I really do. I've held off for ages now (I've wanted one for a year lol) I'm just scared that it will be too hard.

This is awful of me but, I don't even wake when my youngest cries. Her dad does, but unless he is away or hasn't heard her (if he's fallen asleep down stairs) then I just don't wake to her. I struggle with our bond sometimes (it's gotten loads better, she will actually cry mama if she is hurt or upset and accepts a small cuddle) she struggles a lot with affection or being on your knee or in your arms, for a long time after getting home we couldn't hold her at all as she would scream and cry, it used to break my heart.

I'm wondering if another baby is wise, my head says it could be too hard and I may end up regretting it. My heart is screaming for another baby to the point I am sat here crying because I want that baby to love, I want to feed my own child I want my child to sleep in my room or in my bed (something I've never experienced with out youngest) it hurts more because our eldest loves affection, she loves a cuddle and snuggling up in bed when she isn't well and I miss that so much.

I want another baby for extremely silly reasons. To use a pram one last time, to breastfeed and feel that closeness that I was robbed of from both of my girls. To choose when to wean and have another child that will actually eat and enjoy trying new food.

Then there is the extra 5% chance that this baby will also have a heart condition.

I don't know what to do, I am so on the fence that I am ripping myself a new arsehole! I just want advice please, I understand where I have posted and I understand if I don't hear the responses I would like: I'm here for honest opinions on the situation I have typed up, I want to hear others thoughts and hopefully make a more informed choice.

So.. I guess my AIBU is, AIBU to want or have a third child?

I should say my partner is on board with whatever is decided as (in his words) he will never understand how I feel or what I have lost out on, but can see how upset and how changed I have become and just wants me to be happy.

I don't want to put any pressure on him regarding my happiness but I guess it's plain to see when I am crying or struggle to do anything.

Thank you for reading and I hope it wasn't too long.

OP posts:
Isetan · 03/07/2017 09:49

It's difficult to respond because the mother experience is different for everyone. For example, I was over breastfeeding at two months, I continued till DD was seven months but if I could go back in time I'd tell myself that it was ok to stop sooner. I bought an expensive travel system and the overpriced carry cot bit was used just twenty times. At 2.5 DD's witnessed her Dad attacking me and at 7 he abandoned her all together. I essentially spent five years getting us support and securing accommodation. However, those five years were not not lost, those experiences made me and us who we are today. Yes it would have been preferable if I hadn't of chased a man to have contact with a child who he would not prioritise but I took the view that I just had to get on with it (it helps that regret, thank a God isn't something I subscribe to) because life doesn't stop when shit happens.

What if your 3rd doesn't live up to your expectations? What then? The baby experience doesn't last long and you need to think practically for the sake of your family. It doesn't sound like you can afford a 3rd or, if your H would cope at being a SAHD to three young children, one of which requires extra support.

I think it would have been nice to have a 2nd but in all good conscious, it would have made our lives much harder and Iwe would have struggled.

In your head a 3rd has become the cure all but it's unlikely that it will because there are no guarantees and a 3rd, could bring all kinds of challenges (emotional, financial, physical) that could have a longer lasting effect on your family, then the temporary baby years high.

Right now focus on building the future that you want for your family a 3rd right now could put an enormous strain on your family, which could jeopardise the family as a whole, not just one individual member.

BarbarianMum · 03/07/2017 10:02

No, I think you having a third at this time is a terrible idea. I am sorry for what you've been through, and everything you still have to deal with but another baby is not going to heal you or resolve your feelings regarding your second child. The additional strain on you - financial, emotional, physical, mental - will just make everything much harder.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 03/07/2017 10:20

Even with all things perfect, three children is incredibly hard work. Utterly exhausting and so difficult to ensure each has a fair share of time and attention. It doesn't get easier when they're at school because then it's clubs, friends, school stuff, growing up, hormones. This is my experience anyway!

In your situation I have to be honest and say I wouldn't have another baby. What if there was a problem of some kind - do you then have a fourth child? What if you develop an incredibly strong bond with your new baby at the expense of your other two children? That could cause a rift with painful ramifications. Having a baby doesn't usually fix problems it just magnifies those you already have.

I'm so sorry things have been so tough but please focus on the two children you have. Remember, the 'perfect' scenario doesn't exist anyway. There's always issues, problems, incidents of some kind. Life isn't straightforward. Accept what you have and where you are and work with that.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 03/07/2017 19:21

Yes Decaff I think you're right. I know how to be a mum, college I'm not so confident about. I'm gonna do t and see if I can prove something to myself. I'm excited, I'm just also terrified lol

To the others who have commented. I'm not even going to give a thought out response because clearly you can't read and everything you ask has already been answered.

OP posts:
Pigface1 · 03/07/2017 19:50

Good luck with college OP - I'm glad you've reached the decision you have, I think it's the right one. I hope that you'll find pursuing your education and your career fulfilling.

For what it's worth, I totally get what you feel you've lost. But life often just doesn't turn out the way you think or hope it will and you just have to accept the alternative it's handed you. A very different situation to yours - but in brief, I didn't have a very happy childhood. I longed for other kids' parents and siblings and security - right up into adulthood. I used to fantasise about it. Every time I went to see my parents I would hope they'd have changed but they never had. They were still the same people. It made me quite depressed for a long time until I had a breakthrough moment - I had to accept the past and the people they are.

It's a totally different situation but I sort of feel this might apply to you... you can't change or fix the past - you have to work in accepting that it's what happened. What you've lost isn't something you can just acquire by having another baby.

I think and hope that you will find you feel a lot better when you start college.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 04/07/2017 20:41

Thank you pig you make a lot of sense.

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