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AIBU?

To have a third baby.

106 replies

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 10:39

Ok, bit if back story to help.

I hope this isn't too long, but it probably will be.

I have a 3 and a half year old, I also have a two year old. I love them both dearly.

Had a few issues in the beginning and nearly lost the three year old (nothing health wise)

All was great, I then wanted a second baby (always said I would have more than one) things were great, she was our second chance, I was going to breastfeed without stress (milk ended up drying up due to stress with my first) this was our second chance to smoothly bring our child home.

So I was in labour, I was induced it was painful but it was going well. Small issue with the cord around her throats but all sorted, suctioned and all was well. Latched on perfectly and had a half hour feed, only stopped because I was tired and wanted a coffee (biggest regret of my life) I never got to feed her again.

Long story short, she ended up having a rare heart condition, no cure only treatment but she went into heart failure. Few months down the line we now have a transplanted child.

She does well, she gets stronger all is going as well as it could possibly go.

We finally get home.. at the grand age of 8 months old. We have never heard our child and didn't hear her until over a year old. She is quite delayed but catching up in her own time at her own pace. She is a little miracle.

I have severe depression linked with all that went on, I can hold my hands up and say (without any shame, finally) that I am grieving for the baby that I lost, although she is here she isn't a baby anymore, I haven't chosen anything for her except her clothes and toys. I will never choose her milk as she is tube fed I have never fed her from myself I lost a lot of milk that I expressed for her because our electric ran out while we were away (I had a whole freezer full).

I never got to put her in a pram, only a pushchair. I never got to put her in the first outfits we bought. She wasn't allowed clothes on until she was around 2/3 months old and even then only a sleepsuit with most of the buttons opened.

Her care has come down a lot but I am still extremely depressed. I think part of that depression is the loss of a baby (I hope I am not disrespectful to those who have lost a baby) I can't get over it, I don't think I ever will. I resent my daughters condition, I resent how it has made me feel but I could never resent her. She is beautiful and funny and has a great personality (even if she is a screamer).

I yearn for another baby I really do. I've held off for ages now (I've wanted one for a year lol) I'm just scared that it will be too hard.

This is awful of me but, I don't even wake when my youngest cries. Her dad does, but unless he is away or hasn't heard her (if he's fallen asleep down stairs) then I just don't wake to her. I struggle with our bond sometimes (it's gotten loads better, she will actually cry mama if she is hurt or upset and accepts a small cuddle) she struggles a lot with affection or being on your knee or in your arms, for a long time after getting home we couldn't hold her at all as she would scream and cry, it used to break my heart.

I'm wondering if another baby is wise, my head says it could be too hard and I may end up regretting it. My heart is screaming for another baby to the point I am sat here crying because I want that baby to love, I want to feed my own child I want my child to sleep in my room or in my bed (something I've never experienced with out youngest) it hurts more because our eldest loves affection, she loves a cuddle and snuggling up in bed when she isn't well and I miss that so much.

I want another baby for extremely silly reasons. To use a pram one last time, to breastfeed and feel that closeness that I was robbed of from both of my girls. To choose when to wean and have another child that will actually eat and enjoy trying new food.

Then there is the extra 5% chance that this baby will also have a heart condition.

I don't know what to do, I am so on the fence that I am ripping myself a new arsehole! I just want advice please, I understand where I have posted and I understand if I don't hear the responses I would like: I'm here for honest opinions on the situation I have typed up, I want to hear others thoughts and hopefully make a more informed choice.

So.. I guess my AIBU is, AIBU to want or have a third child?

I should say my partner is on board with whatever is decided as (in his words) he will never understand how I feel or what I have lost out on, but can see how upset and how changed I have become and just wants me to be happy.

I don't want to put any pressure on him regarding my happiness but I guess it's plain to see when I am crying or struggle to do anything.

Thank you for reading and I hope it wasn't too long.

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IllBeAtTheSpa · 02/07/2017 11:52

No I would say do not have a 3rd dc
I have a child with a heart condition and it's bloody tough and you've had it much worse than we have. Open heart surgery-yes but what you've had to deal with is very very hard and it's clear you've had a dramatic and stressful time concerning parenthood but I lf I was you I'd accept the worse is over and get on with enjoying life with the children I have.

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Laiste · 02/07/2017 11:55

If he is to be the stay at home parent, is 41 now and has physical issues i'm not sure it'd be a good idea to have a third.

it hurts more because our eldest loves affection, she loves a cuddle and snuggling up in bed when she isn't well and I miss that so much.

Why are you missing this is your eldest is affectionate? Sorry if i've misunderstood. Why can't your eldest be the answer to your need for a close physical relationship?

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notgivingin789 · 02/07/2017 12:19

I'm sorry for what you went through OP.

But no, I don't think having another DC will make a difference. If you do go on to have another DC, you will still be worrying about your 2nd DC, you will still be grieving, you may feel guilty that your attention is going more into your third DC than your second. You will also become stressed looking after all your three DC including dealing with your depression.

This may sound harsh but I think we have to accept that once we have children, we need to accept that their paths in lives will be different to what we envisioned for them, their ideologies, their interests and so forth. As trivial as this sounds, my own dad wanted me to go into a certain career path, since growing up, it was banged onto my head that I need to do this certain career. Though when the time came and I said no and I chose a completely different career path. He was heartbroken, he refused to speak to me for a year. This is just an example but nothing in comparison of what your situation.

I have a DS who has very severe language difficulties/ disorders. He didn't start speaking properly till he was 5. I didn't get the toddler or early preschooler who I would be having conversations with. I originally wanted another to fill my lost experience of motherhood. But quickly decided against it ( for other reasons also). I decided to spend my time accepting my situation, learnt to help DS, learnt to accept him for who he is.

You will get there OP, this will pass. Smile

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Nospringflower · 02/07/2017 12:27

Having another baby might be a good thing for you but if you are depressed it is unlikely to cure your depression.

I think you should get treatment for your depression and then decide. If you are in England you could self refer to IAPT services or see your GP.

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Nospringflower · 02/07/2017 12:28

Best wishes though. It sounds like you have been through such a lot.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 12:33

I've tried treatment for my depression I felt worse so I've tried things my way and I seem to be doing ok.

Ok, please don't laugh.. I honestly feel that having another child would have helped relieve me of depression, considering the reason why I am depressed if you see what I mean? I obviously know that this very well may not be true but it was my thought process.

In regards to the poster asking why I miss all the affection. It's because I miss them from my youngest not my eldest, I know the affection from her should be enough but I find it hard not having that strong connection if cuddles etc with my youngest and I feel I am missing that. I worded it so badly so I understand your confusion. I hope I've mad early it clearer, if not let me know.

I hope the feeling for another passes, but you read so much on here that that feeling never goes until you have had the amount of children you want. If that makes sense. I've heard that you "know" when you are done.

His physical issues aren't major and has had them all his life I just mean that as he gets older they are inevitably going to get worse right?

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DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 13:07

I think you should focus on your children.

The fact that you refer to your second child as "your second chance" is worrying. So what is your first child, a missed opportunity? A failure?

Children should not be brought into the world to alleviate a parent's depression or mend their parents' relationship or anything like that. No child should be born with that weight on them. Children should be brought into the world because they are very much wanted, and just that.

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kate20091985 · 02/07/2017 13:21

I think you sound like a great mum Flowers It's very hard to be practical and sensible when your heart is crying out for another baby, but I agree with PP that now is probably not the best time. I suffered from post natal depression with my first, and whilst I didn't suffer with it after my second child, I do get bouts of depression and feel completely overwhelmed by everything. So I can only imagine what that would be like with the trauma of an ill child and what you went through at the beginning with your eldest. I think the best route would be to work on building a bond with your youngest child and then maybe reassess in a few years.

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NicolasFlamel · 02/07/2017 13:26

I think it would be really unwise. Focus on yourself and the family you've made. A child certainly won't solve your problems. They create more stress, as great as they are.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 13:48

Distance I'm sorry but I find your comment rude.

If you read all of my posts carefully you will see that I was always going to have more than one child, I didn't want an only child and I knew this before I ever fell pregnant.

I knew I wanted a second anyway, but yes I did see her as a sort of second chance. A second chance to do things my way and not the way everyone else wanted for fear of the health visitors and social workers, she was a second chance to try and breastfeed without being told I was starving my child and crying about being forced to go to the hospital to have my child weighed, with the threat that if I didn't (spend my last money) on a taxi to the hospital I would face the social services taking my child away. I couldn't risk that so I did as I was told.

Please either read or ask questions, do not assume you know anything about my life as it makes you look incredibly stupid.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 13:51

kate and nicholas I take on board what you say and you both make so much sense.

I think the reason I made this thread was to et an outside view, I think it's what I needed as my head and heart were arguing too much and my partner is happy whatever I decide but it's too hard to decide lol

I think I should at least wait until I have finished college and go from there.

Thank you for all your replies, I'm gutted at what I've heard but knew I needed to and it's made me think a bit more sensibly about this.

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AddictedToDrPepper · 02/07/2017 13:52

Quack I mean this without any malice, but what Distance has said was not rude nor do I think they meant anything mean by it. It is true however, children should never be had because an adult wants another chance at something.

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 13:59

She wasn't though and that's why I deem her rude.

She also questioned if my first child was a failure and I don't understand the need for such an awful comment.

It's ok though, I'm strong enough to take it but if she read my posts properly she would have had her answers and there would have been no need to say what she did. Therefore she was rude.

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AddictedToDrPepper · 02/07/2017 14:05

Smh, if you say so. You've had some good advice and sympathy here, perhaps you should focus on that instead.

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SittingAround1 · 02/07/2017 14:09

I don't think motherhood ever goes exactly how we want or envisioned. You've been through so much, every parent's nightmare.

It sounds like a good idea to give college a go and then reassess the situation for a third child later.

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DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 14:16

OP, I didn't mean to be rude, and I apologise if I have come across as such. But you did say, literally:

All was great, I then wanted a second baby (always said I would have more than one) things were great, she was our second chance, I was going to breastfeed without stress (milk ended up drying up due to stress with my first) this was our second chance to smoothly bring our child home

I understand that things did not go well with your first child's birth. But referring to your second child as "your second chance" is concerning. Particularly because things didn't go smoothly with your second child either, so presumably your third child would be your "third chance" to have the experience of having a newborn.

I mean this kindly. I think you should discuss these issues with a therapist before making any decisions.

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araiwa · 02/07/2017 14:41

I would focus on the 2 i already have

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YellowCushions · 02/07/2017 14:47

If you can't afford a taxi to what hospital you probably shouldn't be having more children.
I'm sorry your daughter is sick. I don't understand what happened with social services and how it spoiled your experience as a parent? They though you hurt her so social services were heavily involved?

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WeAllHaveWings · 02/07/2017 14:54

You are fixating on another child as the solution to everything. It wont be, it would be amazing if depression was cured so easily, but it is much more complex that that.

You need to make yourself well and resolve the issues you have with your dc before you even consider if another child is the right thing for your family. Being well means a lot of things, including counting your blessing for what you do have and no longer considering another child as a fix.

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 02/07/2017 15:01

Sorry to say this OP, but from what you've written, I think having a third child right now would be a very bad idea.

You are suffering with depression and your partner has health issues. You want to embark on a new career and college course. You have two children, one of whom has a heart problem. You don't feel connected to your dc2 in the way you would like, but surely you would have less time to work on this bond if you have another baby. I think, for your own good and your family's, you need to work on the issues you already have. You have a LOT on your plate op. I really, really feel for you, but I don't think another baby is the answer.

Re your partner's age, I know dads who had their first children in their mid forties. They are great dads!

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Jellycatspyjamas · 02/07/2017 15:06

Any experience you have with a third child won't change the experience with your second. If affection and cuddles with your first don't fill that gap, a third won't either.

I do understand the feeling of loss of the child you hoped to have and the longing to have the baby stage. I'm going through adoption at the moment, to two older children - I'll never have the baby stages, first steps, first words, cuddly feeding etc etc. But being a mum is so much more than those first few months and years, it's about creating a warm, loving home for your children, caring for them, helping them grow, sharing their lives and them sharing yours. It feels a bit like you're focused on what children could have/should have given you - which is part of it but not the most important part. We all come to parenthood in different ways, and sometimes it's not what we dream of, but it's still good.

You have two beautiful children, in that alone you're blessed beyond measure. Give your heart and mind time to settle, learn to love your babies as they are and then see if the yearning is still there.

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Chipsahoy · 02/07/2017 15:11

Wait. Let all this settle. Heal. Then come back to the third baby idea. Just put a pin it, as Americans would say.

I have different reasons to you but been desperate for a third for three yrs. It's been really tough. But I'm finally well enough to ttc and I'm very glad I waited until I was in a better place. Don't tell yourself "no", tell yourself "not yet"

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 15:21

yellow I couldn't afford the taxi at the time. It was my last fiver, it was a Wednesday I think so yh it was coming up to pay day and I was skint. Why is that an issue? Don't most people pay all their bills then shopping and then have no money left? I'm on benefits if that helps, at the time partner had lost his job.

We are both on benefits now as we are the youngests carers.

I still don't see how using the words second chance is concerning?

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/07/2017 15:33

chips that's great to hear! I'm glad you were able to wait and it seems it was the best decision, I am definitely going to wait at least until I've finished college and readdress it then.

I don't think a baby will fix things, we want a third and we know we do I think it's timing that is the issue I know I should wait but feel like I can't. I do believe a baby (well the first few months anyway) will fill the gaping hole that I seem to have.

I know being a parent is much more than prams and feeding etc but imagine both times you have a child the way they are raised is dictated to you.

So with my first I had to feed to the hospitals schedule I had to wake my baby to force her to feed and a few times she choked, I had to change nappies when they wanted me to I had to time all of my feedings to the point I started lying to them because I couldn't work out how to force my child to feed, in the end I ended up giving her bottles because I was told she had to and I was scared so I did as I was told, they had police taking pictures of a 1mm mark that was a similar colour to a bruise with no broken skin (turns out it's a dilated vein) I had no control over her. I had to live with my mum with my partner even though we were adults as we couldn't be trusted and the whole time she was on the child protection list I had to do what they said when they said it therefore my milk dried up as I was so scared of them and ended up putting her on bottles so they would leave me alone.

With my second again all of that was taken away and still is, I still have to feed her to a schedule albeit of my choosing but I have to do their feed and their amounts (dietitians) and I understand this it's for her benefit. Can you imagine never having a part in your child's start in life? Never having a say? It's hard.

Yes it's not reason enough to have a baby I know this, I am very good at thinking with my head I had to learn when deciding things for our youngest. I know I want another baby though and can't help but feel they may replace that lost feeling I have. I know a baby won't sort my depression, none of these are reasons why I want another it's just that while thinking about having another I've thought about the affect on my depression and I feel it will help.

Surely if your depression is caused by a loss of certain things then replacing will help? I know it's the wrong reason to have a child and I will wait and I have taken advice but I can't help the way I think can I?

I've always been told if you are struggling, ask for help and that is what I came here to do.

Those saying I'm not taking advice must not be reading my comments correctly.

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DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 15:36

It's concerning because you're focusing on the experience of having a newborn baby, which you want to have. That's understandable, of course.

But it sounds as if you won't be happy until you get the experience you want - as if you want to have little baby, and everything is "wrong" unless you get that. A child should not be born to meet its parents' needs, but for its own sake.

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