AIBU to think 20 year old DD is taking the piss a bit?

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DD is in her 1st year of uni. She is living at home. She has kept her part-time job that she had in sixth form.

We haven't made her pay this year for rent, etc. or anything like that to be nice, but figured next year we need to ask. We are asking for 15% of what she earns that week.

She has relatively recently started all these activities (she has lost 3 stone and is a lot more confident etc. etc.) things like yoga, dance, drama and all kinds of adult classes.

She claims she isn't going to be able to afford to give us 15% because of these activities. It's not unfair is it to say she is going to need to stop however many until she can afford it, is it?

My parents didn't have much spare cash when I was at uni - they paid for the odd treat but that was it, I paid for the rest myself (well, loans, grants, holiday work and any xmas money). They never charged me rent in the holidays and surprisingly enough I am well able to budget! Indeed I saved to hard through uni and my first couple of years of full time work that I was able to buy a little house. If I had moved home after uni the deal was for £200 pcm inc food, to give me plenty of money to save for a house.

I really don't think you're bu! I lived at home when at Uni and didn't work for the first 2 years, but still gave my mum about £40 a month from my maintenance grants, which paid towards the sky/internet bill. She didn't need it but said I should be paying something towards the house and I didn't disagree. When I worked in my final 2 years, what I contributed to the house was slightly more.

You can't live for free and I think you're teaching her that, maybe reduce the amount you're asking for to find a better balance?

Our rules are earning, or learning. If you are earning, you pay 25%. If you are in learning , you don't pay.

I feel so sorry for our young people. I got a full student grant, housing benefit and could have got unemployment benefit in the holidays if I'd needed it. My mum got child benefit for me until I was 19.5 I think.

FWIW imo you learn more about the 'real' world by living away from home. Obviously this isn't an option for many students.

Really you are only asking for £15 a month, if that.

Does she help out often at home? Does she do much cooking/cleaning etc?
It might be better to say she needs to buy and cook 1 or 2 meals a week for the family. It's her choice what these meals are, but obviously she can't make beans on toast or something crappy every week, and they have to be things the family will eat. I think something like that will help teach her important skills that just paying 15% wouldn't.
Also is she paying for her own stuff? When I was in college I was paying for anything other than household bills. My dad moved my mobile over to my account and I paid for all my college stuff, transport, clothes, toiletries etc. Maybe that is something you could look into too? If you cannot afford to keep paying her way for her then she will have to take out a maintenance loan. Staying at home she can still get about £3000 or more a year.

Sorry should be £15 a week, not month.

I take this from the first page.

We don't need the money, no. All her friends have maintenance loans and need to learn to budget, etc. if I just let her off, she won't understand it all, will she?

Nice. Her friends have loans and she should learn to budget. She already has learned to budget for savings and adult classes.

From the last page I take this.

If you cannot afford to keep paying her way for her then she will have to take out a maintenance loan. Staying at home she can still get about £3000 or more a year.

So people think this young woman who studies and works should borrow £3000 to give her parents money they have stated explicitly they do not need just because. What the hell for?

OP sounds jealous of her dd.

No one remembered books? One of my textbooks for one course was £50 and that was 15 years ago. The library had one copy so I had to buy it. Uni isnt exactly cheap. I cant believe you all advocating she gets in debt just because others have to, when she doesnt have to, to give her mum money she doesnt need, to teach her to budget when she already knows how.

Unbelievable.

Yabu it's not like she's using the extra money partying etc she is keeping fit and as you said is more confident and happy x

I wonder how much is classes and how much is other stuff like new clothes/make up etc.

I'm of the mindset that contribution to household is required. So if it's decided all her funds go on these life improving things then look at ways she can contribute in other ways i.e. Cook and clean up meals for the family x2 a week, clean the family cars once a week, do everyone's ironing. You get the idea. Basically not freeloading. Contributing in some way is a good construct to encourage.

YANBU. She's an adult, she's earning, she should pay. I had to pay digs out of my POCKET MONEY when I was in 6th year at senior school, and 15% of everything I earned until I bought my own flat (when I was 20).

I was giving my parents £20 a week when I started collage, as I was working weekends but they were still getting family allowance for me as I was in full time education so they kept that as well, the other classes are extras or luxuries, and I will be asking the same of my daughter when the time is right

I don't think it's appropriate or reasonable to charge a full time student rent, no.

My university assumes students return home in the vacations and pay no rent when there. The loans are to pay expenses in term - the assumption is that there is additional help while at uni from family. I don't know what the current system does, but in the past people whose parents were too poor to help them financially were entitled to some money as a grant, on top of their loans, because again - assumption was that they had money from family. And kids whose parents weren't poor, but who wouldn't give them any money, used to be able to cite parental estrangement and seek to claim the higher rates.

If she's still there after leaving uni then absolutely charge her. But while she's a student, I wouldn't, no.

Someone I used to work with had an arrangement with her parents that she paid them half her salary every month, which they saved on her behalf for house deposit. I'm def doing that with my kids when they are working - they learn about paying bills and end up with money towards deposit. I wouldn't take "rent" whilst at uni though

If it is a relatively small amount, I would ask her for it but then put it in a savings account so that when she has finished uni and is maybe moving out or whatever, you can give her a lump sum to demonstrate the benefit of saving?

I'm of the mindset that contribution to household is required. So if it's decided all her funds go on these life improving things then look at ways she can contribute in other ways i.e. Cook and clean up meals for the family x2 a week, clean the family cars once a week, do everyone's ironing. You get the idea. Basically not freeloading. Contributing in some way is a good construct to encourage.

I'd agree with that. If she's expecting meals cooked, laundry done etc. then I would absolutely nip that in the bud. She can't expect to be waited on/catered to now she's an adult, especially if she's living rent-free.

Yanbu x

Oh wow you are totally being unreasonable. Your daughter has done very well and should be rewarded and praised. Yes at some point you may want to ask for a small amount of rent (after completing her degree) She clearly has her head on her shoulders. Attending uni, working and losing weight all by herself. Tell her I said well done!

I lived at home throughout uni and kept my job. My parents didn't make me pay rent as long as I was careful with my money and consistently saving. I bought all my own food (or contributed to a weekly shop) and things like washing powder, phone bill etc. That way I was learning to budget whilst not feeling like I was 'paying to still live with my parents'. Well it worked for them as they didn't need to support me financially throughout my time at uni unlike my sibling who lived away and now at 23 I have just bought my first house without any help financially from my parents :)

It's your daughter and you don't need the money! Don't you want the best for her? This 'teaching a lesson' to an adult is bs.

Why don't you have an adult discussion with her about what would be appropriate>? Tbh I think spending money on classes is far better than spending on drink, drugs etc. YABU

(I haven't read the thread.)

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, she's developing her confidence, please don't underestimate how important this can be, my parents paid me pay rent at 17 and I had to stop a class I loved that gave me confidence because of it and it was very bad for me, I am still struggling with confidence at 30 and I think that class could've really helped in the long term.

She's your daughter, you want what is best for her surely? Confidence is a huge thing.

So instead of making her pay rent, ask her to help you with the family budget so she gets to learn how to do it instead of forcing her to learn how to manage hers the hard way and ask her to pay for her own food shopping or pay for a share of the family shop if you eat together.

I personally think there's to many kids being looked after now days! If they are earning and over 18 not in education part form uni how will they ever learn to stand on their own two feet! What about knowing that you have to pay rent before luxuries? That's why kids get in trouble they want it all and an easy time, as parents surely we have to teach our kids to budget and not just air take take! 15% is nothing!

Not rtft but I'm always one on mn to say that working children should pay their way. However that is people who work full time. I don't think you should take money from a person in full time education.

No YABU. We're planning to charge dd rent when she's working but if we can afford not to it'll be going into savings (on the sly) ready for when she moves out. It'll teach her responsibility but also be a nice Brucie bonus when she's not expecting it

I can only go off what my parents enforced for me and my siblings... full time education no rent had to be paid, as soon as education stopped we paid rent!

She will learn to budget etc. Anyway but ultimately she is your daughter and you know what's best. Maybe if you take a contribution you could save it for her without her knowing? X

TBH I think you are being unreasonable.... surely she stayed at home so she could save and not have to get a maintence grant/loan. 5% could be a lot out of a part-time salary and as she's doing things that are aimed at improving her life and chances it seems tight and just wrong to charge her. If she was working full time and not in FT education it would be different. If you're struggling financially then obviously that's different. Personally I'd ask her to buy her toiletries and chip into food...otherwise she'll need to get another job in order to be able to continue her activities and then acedemic work suffers.