AIBU to think 20 year old DD is taking the piss a bit?

[loosechangebanknotes]

DD is in her 1st year of uni. She is living at home. She has kept her part-time job that she had in sixth form.

We haven't made her pay this year for rent, etc. or anything like that to be nice, but figured next year we need to ask. We are asking for 15% of what she earns that week.

She has relatively recently started all these activities (she has lost 3 stone and is a lot more confident etc. etc.) things like yoga, dance, drama and all kinds of adult classes.

She claims she isn't going to be able to afford to give us 15% because of these activities. It's not unfair is it to say she is going to need to stop however many until she can afford it, is it?

Roarity some low income families cannot afford it. Having a working adult at home would affect entitlement to benefits hence the adult child must pay.

But the op here has specifically said she doesnt need the money.

She thinks her studying and working a d self improving and saving daughter is taking the piss and she should give her money just because. I cant fathom it.

Perhaps dd has saved op money. Had she gone away to uni, the ops income would have been assessed and she'd be potentially asked to make a contribution.

Dd has saved herself and her mum money by staying home and OP wants a piece of what dd has even though she doesn't need it.

Women on here suddenly turn into adult child haters alot. As if they now need to be repaid for deciding to have a child and their young adult no longer needs help or guidance.

Roarity roar - exactly.

It's not the responsibility of the daughter to financially support her parent/s.

It's the moral responsibility of a parent/s to support said daughter.

I can understand charging board if it's some random who you've got lodging with you, but this is her own daughter, (here on earth as a result of a decision she made).

As for those people saying she needs to be taught financial responsibility that's rubbish, she's clearly not wasting her money on drugs and other rubbish, she is using it sensibly and for any young person, teaching this kind of thing needs to happen alongside opening a first bank account at say 15 and about saving towards goals.

She'll need (yes I know it varies location to location) but let's say 50k to 100k for a property deposit, and if he moves out after finishing uni, she'll have little to save up after paying rent, so OP should be doing all the can to help her child gain financial stability, not try and make her life harder.

Some attitudes towards their respective sons or daughters is really odd, it's like, he/she has had their 18th birthday so I don't need to give a damn about helping them build their future.

What does she do with the maintenance loan that she gets? Do you know how much she gets?

Op has said upthread that she doesn't take the maintenance loan

I find it so bizarre that parents take rent from their children. I'm not convinced it teaches anything except that it's no longer your home.

Me too.

Many seem to think once the state stops paying for a child then the child needs to make up the lost amount themselves. Heaven forbid they have to support the child they chose to have.

This is very similar to a thread I have just read. I just find it tight if you don't need the money, to be honest. The real world is waiting out there soon enough. Let her do the activities that she's enjoying if it is making her happy and building her confidence. It just seems harsh to take that money off her just to prove a point. Fair enough when she's in full time employment, but she is a student. These years go by so fast. Why not give the support if you are able to?

Yes YABU, you should be glad that she has made herself healthier by loosing weight and is happy in herself. You should also be glad she seems quite level headed to be saving money for her future and in FT education and working. She sounds like a credit to you.

StarryCorpulentCunt were you at uni at age 20?

Yes I was. And working and paying housekeeping.

I find it so bizarre that parents take rent from their children. I'm not convinced it teaches anything except that it's no longer your home

I find that statement bizarre. If anything it makes it more your home. You are more equal as you are now a contributing adult rather than a child who has no say. As adults we pay rent/mortgage on our homes. How can paying rent make it not your home? If anything it is the opposite.

How can paying rent make it not your home? If anything it is the opposite.

It is your parents home. If they own it outright they are making a profit when they no longer have to pay for housing themselves.

If they have a mortgage your kids help pay that off despite not owning it and you being able to dispose of that property as they choose.

She's taking the piss.

She agreed to pay that money. So she has to pay it.

It's not helpful for her to learn that she does not have to honour her obligations because her parents will bail her out.

If she believes that paying you rent is unfair, she should have argued her case at the time that was being discussed.

Not gone and spent all her money and assumed that it would be OK to renege on her commitments.

If they have a mortgage your kids help pay that off despite not owning it and you being able to dispose of that property as they choose.

Which is exactly the same as any other rental home. Doesn't make it any less a home.

We asked dd for £100 per month ( out of a £1100 take home salary,

She threw a strop, couldn't see what she was paying for , didn't feel it was good value and moved out ...to a £450 per month rental plus bills

This only happened a week ago so in months time £100 per month ,washing and cooking included is going to seem a bargain !!

I expect you'd be paying her rent for her if she lived away, but I don't see any harm in asking for food/bills money as this will help her budget for when she moves out

Everyone I know who has DC's at uni are expected to contribute by saving from part time jobs. Lots are taking a year out to save as much as they can to put towards their rent so it doesn't just fall on their parents.

If she were studying aeay from home she woukd surely need a lot more financial support and may or may not be able to work. Loans really would not cover everything.
She is working and taking part in good activities that mean she has a decent experience of her university years despite being at home. Unless her attitude sucks, I would suggest that actually you are all in a pretty good position and are raising a daughter committed to improving her chances for a decent crack at adulthood. You could make this into an issue for the sake of it, or you could be happy that you can do something really valuable to help your daughter make that tranisition by supporting her for these last few years.

If she buys all her own clothes and other extras, then no I wouldn't do it. If not, then this is what she should be paying for first.

Perhaps you could give her board and lodging free until she graduates and gets a full time job? Let her know now, so she can plan accordingly.

Niki there are more costs involved than a mortgage you know!

Councils tax?
Utilities?
Internet?
SKY TV?
Food?

Lottie82

Students dont pay council tax hence op cant ask her dd to contribute to council tax.

Unless the skytv is there purely for dds benefit then she cant ask her for that. If the op had sky tv anyway as she wants it then she cant charge dd for it.

Water rates are fixed.

One person doesnt make a huge difference to bills.

You dont know dd doesn't buy food.

I don't think you are being u reasonable. She is an adult and earning, old enough to pay her way and start learning life lessons. 15% is not a lot. If it means she can't afford to do all her classes then so be it, that's life! I'm an adult with a good job, a mortgage to pay, bills etc and couldn't afford to do as much as your daughter is. If you don't charge her when is she going to learn to budget?

I'd be more than happy to have a full-time student child who didn't need me to give them money. I would not ask them to get be me money.
However, a full-time working child I definitely would ask to contribute.

If you don't charge her when is she going to learn to budget?

And yet she has budgeted for savings and her classes. It really isnt hard for a 20+ to understand once they leave home, pay your rent as a priority or you end up homeless. Those who didnt pay their parents rent dont leave thinking they dont have to pay rent.

Her mum wants 15% just because regardless of need.

Fucking hell....now students get strung up with masses of debt for uni if they leave home and if they dont their parents want their money.

I'm an adult with a good job, a mortgage to pay, bills etc and couldn't afford to do as much as your daughter is.

How long have you had that house? Good for you. A 20 year old will probably never have a house given the skyrocketing prices. I'm in my 30s and still renting I can't save fast enough to cope with the property rises.

Not able to afford classes but you afforded a bloody house. I'd rather have it your way round.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I was in full time education, had a grant that covered my tuition and gave me some spare cash (I'm from the US and was in the US for undergrad), and had a part time job. I had moved back in after transferring Universities. My parents asked for food costs, and a bit on the extra utilities. Their household costs increased when I moved back in for almost two years, and I also think they wanted me to realise that I am indeed an adult and must take care of myself if I'm capable. The idea that I'd move back in, and eat all their food without paying for it is a bit silly. I was 19, I'm not a child anymore, and I should get used to taking care of myself. They were saving me money, as then I didn't need to go get a loan for living costs, as I was able to live within my budget at home. I luckily graduated University without any debt.

When I was in the middle of saving to move across country, they didn't charge me for utilities, but I still needed to pay for my own food. I also had access to their car, with full insurance, and they had me on their health insurance which I didn't pay. If I used the car, I paid for gas (petrol). I think I was getting a very good deal, personally! And they never hesitated to help me out when I needed it, they bought my flight when I moved, and paid my first two months rent in the flat I moved to. When I moved out on my own, and had to pay my own bills, food, utilities, cell phone, etc. it was hard, but I think I did better than my roommate who was angry with her parents for refusing to pay her cell phone bill anymore (she was two years after finishing her degree!). I knew how to budget and I didn't expect my parents to just help me out because I was under 25. Absolutely ludicrous.

My parents moved out at 18, and were expected to make their own way, why would I be different? In fact, they were married, living on their own, and had a child on the way by the time they were 20. They did this with all four of their children. And no, they never needed the money off me.

I'm not asking DS to contribute from seasonal work while home from Uni. He needs this money to supplement any student finance he'll get in September. I do expect him to contribute to household chores though.

Unfortunately we are not in a position to help pay for Uni costs, so he needs to make what he gets stretch. I buy him a hamper at the beginning of term along with a new coat, shoes and clothing etc, otherwise it's down to him.
How I wish we could 'take' money off him only to give it back as a deposit on a house in a few years time. I can just about afford to insure my car so he can learn to drive in it. How the other half live.