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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving a baby for 10 days

147 replies

Trianglesandcircles1 · 01/07/2017 19:52

AIBU to think that parents should not be leaving an 11 month old baby with a grandparent for 10 days? The baby has not stayed with the GP before and doesn't know them, but is used to weekends with some other relatives. Would you do this? have you ever done something like this?

OP posts:
PratStick · 02/07/2017 13:09

Nothing will 'happen' though if the grandparents are a bit shit and controlling that's not great.

But the child will be distressed, obviously. I'd be shocked by an 11 month old being happy to go off with someone they have no relationship for that length of time. Some children cry if they get the wrong parent putting them to bed at night.

It's lovely to be non judgmental but we don't need to play stupid either

Purplepicnic · 02/07/2017 14:05

No child psychologist would recommend that length of separation at that age.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 02/07/2017 14:06

Actually no child psychologist would make any such blanket pronouncement.

KimchiLaLa · 02/07/2017 14:09

Sorry but I have grandparents very close to me and I plan on leaving my baby with them. My mum did it with me and we are incredibly close and my in laws did it with my SIL. Sounds like you're a bit jealous these parents have the option of doing it.

picklemepopcorn · 02/07/2017 14:12

It isn't about how capable the grandparents are! nothing to do with how well the parents know them! Nothing to do with when you left your baby for a week with her grandma she knew already, or Kate Middleton leaving hers with a nanny already involved in their care!

Ask adopters about attachment disorder! Children shouldn't be separated from everything they are familiar with when they are 11 months old. It's terribly cruel. It isn't neglect, no, but it is bad for the babies development. Again, not the same as using child care providers, going back to work etc. This is an unfamiliar carer, in an unfamiliar environment.

picklemepopcorn · 02/07/2017 14:13

Kimchilala, they are close to you, your baby will know them when you leave it. Theses grandparents are virtual strangers.

IloveBanff · 02/07/2017 14:14

KimchiLaLa don't you think it relevant that the baby does not know the grandparents? It's the same as leaving the baby with unrelated strangers as far as the baby is concerned. All it knows is that it's parents are no longer there. How frightening and distressing.

IloveBanff · 02/07/2017 14:15

Apologies for the aberrant apostrophe above. Blush

glitterglitters · 02/07/2017 14:18

I wouldn't do it myself, seems a bit self indulgent but then I have plenty of friends who do this constantly for their "me" time. Each to their own.

Pengggwn · 02/07/2017 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 02/07/2017 15:13

That isn't even what attachment disorder is, and unless the parents aren't coming back, adoption has nothing at all to do with it.

BlurryFace · 02/07/2017 15:15

Hey OP, see if they'll take on a bitey two year old and a bossy three year old as well, would you? I could do with a break.Wink

Seriously though, don't see the fuss. My folks have offered to take the DSs caravanning before and we've declined because we want to take them on their first holiday but if they're still up for it in a couple years I'll be thrilled. I left DS1 overnight from time to time from a few weeks old, if my parents are ever mad enough to offer taking the little tykes for ten days I will bite their hands off.Grin

wingingitmostdays · 02/07/2017 15:21

I wish my parents or parents in law would offer to babysit just for an evening. We had all the promises when I was pregnant, they couldn't wait to help and be involved... 3 years later Hmm

I hope everyone is happy and the parents have a great break.

picklemepopcorn · 02/07/2017 19:03

Children used to be separated from parents for hospital stays, until they discovered it was traumatic. Separating small children from their primary carer causes developmental trauma. We're not talking about putting a child in nursery, or leaving them with a familiar carer, but about leaving a baby with total strangers for a fortnight. Interrupting attachment like that is not beneficial. I'm not saying the baby will develop full on RAD but it's not great, is it!

mummymummums · 02/07/2017 19:12

My in laws went on holiday for 2 weeks when my husband was a month old!!!! I can't even comprehend that but MIL is very cold. Obviously he doesn't remember but that's hardly the point!
Apparently it was somewhere they wanted to go and new baby wasn't going to disrupt it!

mogulfield · 02/07/2017 19:26

I've been away from my DS for work reasons/holiday with DH/skiing trip with work, the consequence is my DH truly appreciating how hard it is looking after my boy on his own, and more equal parenting. He also has a lovely relationship with his grandparents who love the fact they have him all to themselves. What's wrong with a happy Mum and Dad and a son who idolises his Grandparents. But judge away, we're happy. You sound jealous, just leave them to it.
It seems parenting isn't right unless we're sacrificing and suffering at every turn.

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2017 19:31

I'll happily judge anyone who leaves a small child with people they (the child) don't know for 10 days - emergencies excepted. What a shitty thing to do, poor kid will be traumatised (and I'm not speaking figuratively).

sanumanu · 05/10/2017 05:08

Yeah, thats a good Idea. You should do that once in a while

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/10/2017 06:02

It depends whether it is an unavoidable set of events or the shapes of things to come.

Only person I know who left a 3 months old for a week with gps went on to hire a couple of nannies to live in her house full time to look after her dc and moved abroad. She flies in fortnightly for the weekend. This usually consists of getting to the house at 8pm ish after dc was in bed. 2 nights clubbing till the early hours because mummy has been at work all week and needs mummy time.. A trip to Sainsburys and the local swimming pool where dc says mummy does lengths of the pool while dc plays on her own in the shallow end. Then back on a plane on the Sunday..

Dc still has a bottle that she now makes herself at age 10. The mother has full custardy and the father isn't bothered.

Gps, brother and sister are appalled at her lack of parenting and have tried to make her see the damage she is doing but she doesn't see it like that. Dc has nannies, a roof over her head and food on the table. Dc is now in ft boarding and sees mum at Christmas and a couple of weeks in the summer. Otherwise if it wasn't for gps or other family members dc would be in boarding school all year.

Cookiesandcake · 05/10/2017 06:25

We left our 4 month old for 9 days. He was fine

Cookiesandcake · 05/10/2017 06:27

He was with his grandparents who he sees every day so knew them well, and it was for our honeymoon which we couldn't cancel. We'd have taken him with us but we're concerned about the temperature (middle of summer)

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2017 06:34

No way would I be bullied into leaving my child with strangers. I think it is cruel to do this. I understand your concern. The parents need to grow a backbone and realise they are the parents and grown ups now. Their nuclear family doesn’t include the gps.

My mother is a narcissist and I didn’t trust her to have my dd overnight for a very long time she stayed over for 2 nights aged 7. After my mother threatened to smack dd on another occasion (over the phone to me). Dd hasn’t stayed again, we have gone much lower contact since an incident earlier this year.

Orangebird69 · 05/10/2017 06:43

I wouldn't do it. I've had a total of 5 (separate) nights away from ds in 2 years, all of those nights he was left with DM who he sees lots of anyway. And there's no way anyone would've convinced me to do it if I hadn't wanted to.

Cracklesfire · 05/10/2017 06:54

If I didn't want to I wouldn't be pressured into it. Currently having a battle with DH to enforce a parenting decision we both made before DS was born that my FIL thinks doesn't apply to him. No way I'd send my baby off to stay with GPs for 10 days if they hadn't made the effort to come and meet DS a few times since he was born.

But I don't neccesarily see a problem leaving young kids with grandparents who know them well. DS would probably love a week at his DGPs.

mathanxiety · 05/10/2017 07:06

I left DS (almost 3) and DD1 (almost 6) with their familiar GPs twice in one year - couldn't take them with me for two funerals on another continent of immediate family members.

They were not neglected - they were fed, washed, slept in comfy beds, played with cousins occasionally, watched tv, had the odd treat.

They were badly affected all the same. DS regressed in his toilet training and in many other ways - sleep and eating being two big ones that took a while to resolve, along with the toileting. DD1 had it a little easier but was not herself when I returned.

There is no way I would ever leave any baby or child except in a dire emergency. It is too much for the baby to handle, emotionally.

It's lovely to be non judgmental but we don't need to play stupid either PratStick
YYY to that. The baby does not know the grandparents from Adam. The baby cannot possibly comprehend what ten days is or that mum and dad will be coming back. The fact that the GPs insisted on this shows that they are not able to put the interests of the baby first, and that is reason to be very concerned. They want this experience for selfish reasons. The baby is not a toy.

exMIL left exH's youngest sibling with her parents at 3 weeks to go on a two week holiday with the rest of the family. She also bragged about never getting up in the night for any of her seven babies - this trained them to sleep through apparently. I make no bones about judging that.