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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving a baby for 10 days

147 replies

Trianglesandcircles1 · 01/07/2017 19:52

AIBU to think that parents should not be leaving an 11 month old baby with a grandparent for 10 days? The baby has not stayed with the GP before and doesn't know them, but is used to weekends with some other relatives. Would you do this? have you ever done something like this?

OP posts:
Rescuepuppydaft2 · 01/07/2017 20:52

I couldn't have left my ds or dd at that age, they went through such a clingy stage between nine and thirteen months (I think so many milestones coming at once was overwhelming) and were hysterical if I left them with my dh/ Mum (who they adored equally) for an hour (driving lessons were incredibly stressful for dh and DM, I actually gave up as ds was just so upset, screaming and crying for the entire hour). I can't even begin to imagine leaving my baby for that long. But if their baby is used to staying elsewhere and has a loving grandparent there to look after them then I can't judge. I just could never have done it myself!

I worry that the little one might be traumatised by 'maternal abandonment' which is well documented to be detrimental to their development. But that depends on the child, if baby is used to not being with Mummy then they are not going to fell abandoned. Where as one of my two babies who were attached to me constantly and never had been away overnight at 11 months would be traumatised.

RandomMess · 01/07/2017 20:53

Honestly I think it's not a good thing for a baby of that age who is aware of separation to be left with anyone it doesn't know unless in an emergency and certainly not for 10 days Sad.

No issue with parents wanting a break, no issues with baby being left it's just because it's someone the baby doesn't already have a reasonable relationship with.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 01/07/2017 20:57

They haven't put the child in a reed basket and sent it down the Nile, they're leaving it with grandparents Hmm

Original poster
Trianglesandcircles1 · 01/07/2017 20:58

Andtakeyourhorsewith you - this is totally true. Not everyone is able to stand up for themselves, perhaps especially against very dominant parents. I expect there are lots of adults in the world who are vulnerable to being controlled.

OP posts:
user1486076969 · 01/07/2017 21:01

Can't see what the problem is, as others have said we're talking about 11 months, not 11 days!

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 01/07/2017 21:02

To that extent? I doubt it. Parents generally put their children above their parents, they don't do something they think will harm their child because their parents said so.

itsanewdawnitsanewday · 01/07/2017 21:08

The grandparents may not be aware of issues to do with attachment, that at this age separation can cause trauma and this will hugely impact on behaviour for years to come. Maybe find a decent explanation of this on the net from a good source and print it out and go and have firm words with both parents and gp. It isn't a matter of being judgemental, here, I don't think. Sounds really sad!

PratStick · 01/07/2017 21:10

No I would not do this ever

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/07/2017 21:11

I wouldn't. Particularly with the lack of regular contact with the grandparents.

toffeeboffin · 01/07/2017 21:11

You could have put all the extra info in the OP, OP.

Kind of changes the slant on things bit.

Original poster
Trianglesandcircles1 · 01/07/2017 21:12

Andtakeyourhorsewithyou - you have put your finger on why I am angry/frustrated/judging the parents. It is because they are possibly not putting their child first, but doing what they have been coerced into by going along with what GP want. Maybe they have convinced themselves it is okay. I don't think the baby will come to any harm, but I am worried about next year when they are a toddler. I can't say anything to the parents without potentially alienating them from me, and I love them and the baby.

OP posts:
1frenchfoodie · 01/07/2017 21:12

Really not a problem based on the info you give. Though I did leave my daughter with my mum in another country for 10 days when she was 11 months old 😊 . I missed her madly, she was fine and my mum loved it.

Original poster
Trianglesandcircles1 · 01/07/2017 21:14

Sorry to not have put more in the OP. I'm concerned I'll say too much and be identified.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 01/07/2017 21:17

I wouldn't do it personally. But we don't have hands on parents who are keen to help so I may feel differently in that case.

bemusedbewildered · 01/07/2017 21:27

i don't quite understand if they're the type of GP that would have a baby for 11 days why they don't have a relationship with the baby before now? It doesn't quite add up for me. In general, if they had a relationship I'd say it was fine and even now, if they're providing loving, responsive care and plan to use this to build & maintain a relationship then I don't think there are reasons to be worried.

PetalsOnPearls · 01/07/2017 21:38

In fairness you've probably already said too much.

Doubt there's very many parents who would let their child go it's grandparents for 10 days against their wishes; particularly as it seems from your posts this is occurring now.

PenelopeChipShop · 01/07/2017 21:41

I find it baffling that GP who had never previously met the baby would suddenly want sole care for 10 days as their very first meeting with them?! That unusual to say the least.

That aside I would never do this myself (and indeed haven't, with either child - not least because they were still breastfed at that age) and I do think it would be harmful to the attachment between parents and baby. Ten days is AGES to a child that young.

TipTopTipTopClop · 01/07/2017 21:43

I'm in the 'wouldn't do it' camp but it's fine.

Barbie222 · 01/07/2017 22:32

Surely any offer of looking after an 11 month old for 10 days, even if it's a grandchild, is made through gritted teeth! I do always wonder at people who are so sure that their own parents are so thrilled about looking after their GC for days on end. Be realistic, it's a massive ask, and they're done with lots of all that.

willescapesoon · 01/07/2017 22:35

So one parent was pushed into it by GP and I'm assuming their child who is the other parent? Not okay

picklemepopcorn · 01/07/2017 22:36

It is harmful at this age, not just at toddler age. The baby is away from everything which is familiar which is very traumatic.

It isn't at all the same as a parent who travels for work leaving baby with OH, or both parents leaving baby with very familiar grandparents who have cared for baby regularly.

In this case the baby is being left with strangers. Responsible, loving and capable strangers, maybe, but none the less strangers to that baby.

The baby may or may not be resilient enough to come through unharmed.

Neolara · 01/07/2017 22:38

Hmm. Eleven months is firmly in separation anxiety territory for many babies. I think it would be painful for both baby and grandparents.

emmyrose2000 · 02/07/2017 04:56

I think there are two separate issues here.

One is whether a baby should be left at that age - some will say yes; others will say no, usually based on their personal experiences.

The second is whether the parents were right to give into the grandparents and basically do something they didn't want to do.

On that, I would say that in general, no, the parents shouldn't do something they're uncomfortable with in regards to their child. This would apply whether the child is 11 months or 11 years. These parents are going to be in this "job" for a good many years to come. If they can't learn to advocate for their child now when s/he is still young (maybe especially when they are this young), then it doesn't bode well for the future.

sofato5miles · 02/07/2017 05:09

It's all about perspective isn't it. My friend is Chinese and her parents left her with her gran and only saw her a few times a year until secondary. She is now in her 50s and still goes back every summer , for 6 weeks, to look after them. So the bond is strong despite what we consider as abandonment. So much of behaviour is cultural.

Cocklodger · 02/07/2017 05:41

You know, as someone who suffered actual neglect and abuse as a child it really fucks me off to hear this being described (by a previous poster not OP) as neglect.
If you think this is neglect you've lived an EXTREMELY sheltered life.
A baby being left with a relative for a week is fine. I wouldn't do it but hey, it's not my baby so why do I care? So long as the baby is well cared for and with decent, competent grandparents it's fine