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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think private ultrasounds shouldn't charge you full price if it's a miscarriage?

138 replies

DragonsandDungeons · 01/07/2017 10:42

I just paid £80 for someone to tell me my baby is most likely dead.

Given the majority of people do not experience this and that the price is so high anyway, AIBU to think charging someone after telling them their baby is dead is just cruel?!

OP posts:
Scottishgirl85 · 01/07/2017 16:24

So sorry to hear your sad news. But no I don't agree that they should charge less, they are a business. I have just paid £3k on ivf that has failed, it's so tough but sadly part of life. Hope you have your rainbow baby soon. Take care of yourself x

pringlecat · 01/07/2017 16:49

The cost of providing the scan is the same, no matter the outcome. Well, if anything, the cost should be higher, because they should take some extra time to be kind to you and give you some time in that room to have an initial cry. Doesn't sound like they treated you that well.

I am so sorry about your news. Flowers

I agree, paying beforehand is the way forward.

Whatsername17 · 01/07/2017 18:28

And cake- that is not true in my experience. My baby's remains were the size of my palm. You could see the tiny umbilical cord and placenta. I was too frightened to look for the baby, which I'm sure would have been tiny, but the sac, cord a d placenta was enough for me to know what I was holding. It was nothing like a period. Nothing at all. I had labour pains. I was 13 wedks when I mcd but the baby had died 4 weeks before. Op I took a piece of white tissue paper (the type you wrap a gift in, not loo roll) and wrote the baby a little message. Then I wrapped baby in the paper and buried him in a planter. We placed a bush called 'Winter sun' on top. It was important to me that everything would biodegrade. I don't want to move the planter in 20 years time and find a tipper ware tub. I then put my photo and positive tests inside a teddy bear. It helped me to have something to hug.

Whatsername17 · 01/07/2017 18:32

The hospital telling me it would be a heavy period led to the mc being so much more traumatic. Id experienced labour pains before, so recognised them when they started. I didn't think it was possible so thought I was losing the plot. Id bled so heavily for an entire week - I just didn't think there could possibly be more. When I passed the baby, it was like turning off a tap. I suffered ptsd after my mc. Please don't say things like 'it's just a heavy period'. For some of us it's much much worse.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 01/07/2017 18:46

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

In my case with two early miscarriages I didn't have any remains to bury etc. I think I would have liked to.

Instead we planted cherry blossom trees in the garden and we remember the day each year. I always think the worst thing about miscarriage is not having something physical to hold on to. The trees and beautiful blossom help me each year

take care of yourself. Give yourself time space whatever you need X

chickennuggetsfortea · 01/07/2017 19:00

good luck x

LionsOnTour · 01/07/2017 21:04

It's also perfectly ok to do. Itching with the remains. For me miscarrying at 12 weeks didn't feel like I 'lost' a baby. It was a failed pregnancy that I was upset and sad about rather than a bereavement iyswim . I had the remains in my hands which I found a bit unsettling but I didn't view it the same as some other posters did. I disposed of the remains without any thought. Everyone has to work out what is the right thing for themselves but not doing anything is a valid choice too. There is no right or wrong.

I hope I don't upset anyone with my comments but I think it might be useful for some posters who may be thinking that they are not dealing with their miscarriage in the same way as a lot of other people would.

LionsOnTour · 01/07/2017 21:05

Typo itching should be nothing

TippyTinkleTrousers · 02/07/2017 08:49

Hi OP, I messaged you before about getting a private scan because I was worried.

I was right my baby died at 13+3 weeks (I'm supposed to be 14+5 or 5 I can't remember) so he died 2 days after the scan.

I paid £39 to be told.
But to be honest I just wanted to know.

It really really sucks for us. I feel so guilty that I let my baby down, poor baby.

I hope you're treating well OP and I hope it goes as smoothly as possible. I've never been through this before so I don't know what it's like.

But I know it fucking sucks.

Take care. Xx

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 02/07/2017 20:06

Just started cramping and brown bleeding Sad my partner is still hopeful but I am not.

EPAU tomorrow. Will update. Tippy I am sorry for your loss :(

OP posts:
MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 02/07/2017 22:16

So sorry to read this update Dragons Keeping everything crossed for you Flowers

GivePeasAGo · 02/07/2017 22:52

I'm sorry DragonsandDungeons, look after yourself.

Iggi999 · 02/07/2017 23:38

Andcake I passed a complete pregnancy sac at 9 weeks. I had what I now realise were contractions until my cervix opened enough to let it pass. Not a heavy period.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 03/07/2017 06:01

I'm so sorry dragons and hope you've managed to get some sleep

belmontian · 03/07/2017 06:45

Thinking about you dragons [flowers.

Whilst it probably isn't financially viable for them to forego or discount the fee there are ways of handling it more sensitively. When I had to get my pet PTS I was told that they would send me the invoice at a later date (you usually pay at the end of consultation/visit) which in hindsight made it slightly less traumatic.

I do know though that my (private) obstetrician does not charge in the event of stillbirth. This is written in the fine print of the contract so there are medical professionals that are willing to draw a line within business transactions. I also remember in the advent of 3D scans years ago a private company offered them free for people diagnosed with facial abnormalities at the 20 week scan. This was a lovely gesture as they were about £400 at the time.

YoshimiBTPR · 03/07/2017 06:56

Flowers Dragon. It's a difficult time. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst used to be said on the miscarriage board.

If it is a miscarriage there is a thread on the miscarriage board on the practicalities of coping.

Flowers sorry for your loss Tippy.

Bodicea · 03/07/2017 07:28

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
I am a sonographer and I work both in epau in the NHS and privately. I work at a good private company thay only employs qualified sonographers. It has links to the hospital and if I do find a problem I spend extra time with the patient, sorting out follow up scans with the hospital. It is not the easiest job to do, it can be quite heart wrenching, but I do think I deserve to be paid for my skills.
The people posting that it is crass I think are unreasonable. Am sure they get paid for their skills. If you went to a private dr and they gave you bad news I am sure you would expect to pay for their services.
There are some charlatan scanning services about. Please make sure you go to a reputable one that only employs qualified sonographers not "beauticians with a scan machine in the back."

brummiesue · 03/07/2017 09:36

Andcake thats a completely false statement. A foetus is recognisable from a lot earlier than 12 weeks and the pain and bleeding associated with the loss is significantly worse than a period. To the point where ladies can need emergency surgery to stop the bleeding. Saying things like that can be dangerous as they give ladies unrealistic ideas of what to expect when they do pass a pregnancy

Whatsername17 · 03/07/2017 10:13

Lions, I think it is important that you shared your experience - not every woman feels the way I did about mc. Thank you for being sensitive and recognising that others feel differently.

Op - I'm really sorry. I hope the whole thing is over soon. You mentioned wanting to bury the remains. If you still want to do this, have ready something to put baby in. As I and others have said, you will know when you pass baby. Often the women who experience a heavy period don't have a foetus very far developed, but as you have seen a heart beat it is likely you will pass baby and know it when you do. I'm so sorry. I hope you do not mind me being direct but the biggest head Scramble for me was that no one told me the truth about what to expect. Feel free to pm if you want too.Flowers

LionsOnTour · 03/07/2017 10:28

Thanks What. for seeing where I was coming from. I really do understand that miscarriage is traumatic for for a lot of women but for some people it's not. I'm sure there are a million different factors that come into play as to how women react to. There is no rule book and there is no right or wrong.

OP,Flowers

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 03/07/2017 13:13

Thank you for your kind words. The bleeding stopped which gave me hope but the EPAU have confirmed miscarriage. Thank you for the support everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 03/07/2017 13:46

EPAU have now said they won't confirm a miscarriage because the heartbeat was on a private scan and therefore they can't be sure because they didn't see it. They said it's measuring 3.1mm.

Said it could be all sorts of things and I've got to go back in a week.

So confused

OP posts:
maddening · 03/07/2017 13:53

could they do hgc (? The pg hormone) blood tests every 2 days to.see if the hormones are going it the right direction?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 03/07/2017 13:53

Flowers dragons.

I had the same thing with a missed miscarriage. I'd had two private scans before (anxious after many miscarriages) so had seen the heartbeat. Then seen it disappear. But the epau wouldn't use the scans as proof.

They said I could have got my dates wrong so they had to scan me again in two weeks and only if there's still no growth or heartbeat they'd confirm

its a shitty shitty time. Just a waiting game. And my heart so wanted to believe there was doubt but my head said there was no way my dates were wrong (military precision ttc)

I don't have any advice. But I'm here if you need to talk Flowers

LisaSimpsonsbff · 03/07/2017 14:20

Definitely press for blood tests. When I had a mmc they said my dates could have been wrong (even though I knew they weren't, as their dates would have meant I got a positive test before I conceived!) and therefore they couldn't confirm. However, they took my blood then and two days later and the hormones were going down, which meant it was confirmed. As it worked out, I miscarried naturally while waiting for the follow-up, but it meant I didn't need to wait a week for them to agree to what I already knew.