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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people seem to have a problem with my 'lazy' lifestyle?

266 replies

Bumpandkind · 30/06/2017 15:24

My dp and I both work part time. We don't own but happily rent a nice house. We have a son 4 why goes to school everyday of the week. We don't rely on anyone for money and have just enough for rent, food and a few treats. We can't for example afford a foreign holiday but we like caravan and camping holidays in the uk.
We can't really afford much new stuff but are happy with what we've got and can afford toys for birthdays and Christmas etc.

My days off look like this:
Get up at 5 and play with ds. He is awaiting a diagnosis of high functioning ASD and everyday starts at 5 and its full on play time till he goes to school. The chances of him playing alone or watching tv are zero so it's full on for a while.

I go back to bed after dp takes him to school and surface about 10-11ish Blush

I then potter and do house work, go for an hour or twos walk and just enjoy myself. Ds comes home and it's the usual routine that most parent have in the evening.

The same goes for dp. He works about 4 shifts a week and when off does gardening, cooking and sleeping.
People often make comments that if we worked more we could have so much more but we're happy as we are. The same goes for more children. Ds is a star but as most parent of children with ASD, life can be hectic and unpredictable and we are happy with just the one.

People constantly have to let me know how busy their lives are and it makes me feel a bit guilty that mine isn't.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 01/07/2017 20:16

Sounds like you've got the right work/life balance to me

OldSkoolRapFan · 01/07/2017 20:16

OP are you or your husband disabled?

If you are able bodied , but chose to claim extra tax credits rather than work to support your own family, then I don't really see you have anything to brag about

No better than a dole dosser really - you chose to work less and let other people pay your bills

I wonder if your kids will grow up thinking this is normal to be so grabby and freeloading?

OldSkoolRapFan · 01/07/2017 20:17

Its complete abuse of the benefits system if you can work but chose to sit at home on your arse whilst strangers feed your kids - it is not really a state of affairs to be proud of

If you were self funding then other people would have no opinion to have but you are not

OldSkoolRapFan · 01/07/2017 20:19

To those who say 'its nobodys business but yours' - well yes it is, it is every tax payers business who have a right to an opinion,we are basically funding someone to have an easier lifestyle than the rest of us who chose to fund our own lifes - and the fact that neither person bothers to work full time is a joke

dataandspot · 01/07/2017 20:20

Lovely bath 77

Can't believe it took 5 pages before someone pointed out that universal credit requires much more of a claimant than tax credits!!

If you sign for them you are required to look for full time work unless you have special circumstances!

eulmh · 01/07/2017 20:22

As the mum of a high functioning asd little boy I'm with you. I do work three days too but honestly my home life is very pressured. Do what you need to do to survive it. If you're happy who cares what anybody else thinks :)

Charlie97 · 01/07/2017 20:24

I agree with nolagg!! Bliss

Allnewtothis · 01/07/2017 20:28

I have a 3 year old going through assessments too. I stopped working full time and dropped down to part time for her as she doesn't always cope well with situations and she didn't sleep for a month when we moved house. between all the appointments/visits/school calling due to incidences or her falling over and getting nasty Injuries that she wasn't responding to and needed medics treatment and her illnesses id had so much time off that I was basically working part time anyway. my husband was working full time up until March when he had a 2 month stay in hospital and he hasn't yet fully recovered, when he returns to work it'll be part time due to a disability. we receive dla, hb and tax credits... yes some judge but my child needs to come first. I work 5 days but I do school drop offs and then she goes a childminder for 2 hours after school as she did when I worked full time but because when I went part time she hated not going and didn't cope at all with the change I still pay for her to go 3 days a week. I think people judge far too easily on what we should/ should not do. I love my job and my child and she will ALWAYS come first.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/07/2017 20:32

" If you work.full.time and still earn little enough to need benefits that is a different kettle of fish to two healthy adults both working part time and claiming "

The cost to the taxpayer would be the same. You seem to be making a moral argument that everyone should work full time, rather than an economic one. I don't buy that moral argument.

NameChangr678 · 01/07/2017 20:36

People will always have opinions on what you do - don't worry about it.

I'm a grad with a full time job and don't socialise much/am very stingy so I can save up and go travelling. To the point where I don't go to people's leaving lunches and get haircuts from Groupon. However I love going abroad and doing about 5 holidays a year. My best friend tells me off saying I'm wasting my youth and am "sad" because I'm not constantly out for dinner and drinks like she is (with no savings).

Different strokes for different folks - if you're happy, then that's what matters.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/07/2017 20:39

"left a lot of debt"

I don't think surviving children can be forced to pay their dead parents' debts in most cases.

From the BBC:

"Technically speaking, if you pass away, it is the responsibility of your estate to pay any debts. If you have no estate, or the estate isn't sufficient to cover all liabilities, they get written off and creditors cannot chase surviving family members, no matter how big the debt. However, there are some exceptions."

NameChangr678 · 01/07/2017 20:45

@JamesBlonde, are you Russian? That "pissing against the wind" is my favourite saying 😜

windygallows · 01/07/2017 21:02

Gwen re: I don't think surviving children can be forced to pay their dead parents' debts in most cases.

ExDPs parents left their house in a state and it was heavily mortgaged - sorry but families don't get a chance to write off mortgaged debt. He and his brothers had to invest a huge amount to get the house up to saleable and then sell, leaving them nothing really once mortgage was paid off. Having to pay for all funeral and related costs was/is expensive and, sorry, the state doesn't pay that if there are close family that can or must.

witsender · 01/07/2017 21:10

Yes, it is a moral argument for me as well. If you can support yourself, you should try to.

witsender · 01/07/2017 21:13

And I don't mean everyone should work full time. But if working part time doesn't cover your bills but full time would, then you should. If you only need part time income to cover yourself then crack on with the part time.

I have no belief everyone should work full time at all, neither DH or I do. I think we do about a 4.5 day week between us at the moment.

ladystarkers · 01/07/2017 21:15

You are all happy that is all that matters. It soundsvery lovely.

ShimmeringIce · 01/07/2017 21:26

It's good to do a sanity check, but if you decide you're happy then enjoy it! I'm sure the naysayers are jealous of either your lifestyle or confidence Flowers

AvaCrowder2 · 01/07/2017 23:14

I don't think I'm jealous, but
Tax credits
Pension
Career progression is better when you work full time.

But I think two people working part time is better than a wohp and a sahp.

Anyway if you like it and are happy then carry on. You are not taking anything away from me.

masterchef98 · 01/07/2017 23:38

Sounds lovely. If you wanted to buy more stuff you would work more, if you're all happy as you are and don't need anything else then that is great.

TheProdigalRhubarb · 01/07/2017 23:42

I have a lovely friend who was proud of her work life balance and lack of materialism. She talked a lot about 'working to live instead of living to work'. She worked part time and had a very hand to mouth existence, but was very happy and didn't need much to get by.

Then, changes in the industry she worked in made it harder and harder for her to pay the rent. Then she was suddenly and unexpectedly hit with health problems. She is now homeless, can't work and her meagre savings have run out. She is living on the charity of friends (too proud to claim benefits). The future doesn't look good for her.

Things can change pretty damn quickly - I would be looking into improving my pensions/savings/future planning as a matter of urgency if I was you.

Writermom22 · 02/07/2017 00:54

I work term time, my husband works full time. My hours work out at 25 a week but school holidays means I get 13 weeks a year off. My eldest is now 18, my youngest (who has dyspraxia) is going into his last school year this September.

Apart from his dla, which will go straight into his bank once he reaches 16, we get NO child tax credits, NO working tax credits, NO universal credits, or any benefits except for family allowance.

Yes, I plan to stay in this job after my youngest leaves school, grows up and eventually becomes an adult.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/07/2017 07:20

You can disagree and not be jealous Hmm

Just because millions are happy to raise their children on benefits doesn't mean they should or that everyone else aspires to do the same.

I'd be ashamed of working so little and letting somebody else feed my children.

Lots of adults claim the material things don't matter but for children they very much do. Nobody wants to be the child that never goes anywhere, doesn't have their friends over as they don't have much to entertain them with, never have the latest fad toys etc. Ask any adult who grew up like that and many will say it did matter.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/07/2017 08:28

I'm disabled and my dh works bloody hard to pay for the private treatment that I have. He's on far more than the break even £45k quoted above. The welfare state is great but you are abusing it by having neither of you working full time. I have no problem with putting more money into schooling your child. But I do have a problem with you taking tax credits, which are just benefits under another name. Your attitude is no better than an austerity seeking, tax dodging, high earning Tory supporter, who is exclusively out for themselves.

WankYouForTheMusic · 02/07/2017 08:41

True about UC data, although nobody knows where the resources to enforce conditionality will appear from. But also, one of the special circumstances can be a child receiving DLA/PIP, so I'd advise OP to investigate that once things are further on with DS diagnosis etc.

I do still think it's a risk to choose reliance on tax credits long term, even as someone who sympathises with OPs perspective. It's just having a disabled child is a complicating factor.

I'd also think carefully about whether saving for their son, as windygallows suggests, is a good idea when their means are always going to be fairly limited. Sometimes all that does is disqualify someone from various forms of means tested help. If you have enough to buy better options than those available from the state, then of course it's a good idea, but if you've not then it isn't necessarily going to benefit him. My focus would be saving for a deposit for a modest property in this situation, especially if they're not in the south.

WomblingThree · 02/07/2017 08:45

I'm quite amazed at the number of "ur life ur roolz hun" posts on this thread. Most threads that have even the barest hint of someone claiming benefits descend into vitriol.