To believe that this family of 8 has one bath towel?

[Zoflorabore]

Hi, my dd goes to primary school with a little girl who's family are travellers but now settled in a house. Her dh apparently mistreats her and has got substance issues.

They were also at nursery together and the mum has told me her whole life story and basically started asking for my dd's hand me downs.
I had no problem with this, my dd is bigger and I could tell she was in desperate need.

For the last few years I have continued to pass on clothes/coats/shoes etc plus school uniform and anything that I think her dd would like such as dress up outfits and hair accessories, my dd has a lot of things and I am grateful for that.

Several times the mum has asked me for food, money and even medication as she has similar pain issues to me, i would not give her my medication and helped her several times with food and money.

There have been people locally who say that she asks a lot of people for stuff, she has 6 kids and is pg again and said she has nothing for new baby due v soon.

Last year after the latest baby she said that she can't have any more children

This morning at school she said the usual that they have no money etc and that she needs xyz for new baby and then asked me if I could give her a bath towel as she only has 1 in the house for 8 people:

I am sympathetic to her but also she has told me that her dh gets dla ( he faked it apparently) and she gets all of the benefits she's entitled to.

This is not a benefits bashing btw, we claim some too. I just don't know what to believe any more and feel sorry for the children.
They look so uncared for and the little girl in my dd's class looks pitiful it's really sad.

I would help with practical things but not cash.
Lots of people are in this situation but often giving cash is not solution as an addict husband will more often than not take that too.
However I think you need to step back to a certain degree.

As I mentioned ' our local Facebook page' as you've just helpfully quoted, it is near people such as myself, Everything.
I don't believe I shouted racist either (I didn't), but do feel free to point out where to me please .

I would assume that this lady's dh is taking all their benefits and pissing them up the wall or sniffing/injecting it.

I would definitely give anything you can afford to give, not money but basics that you wouldn't miss. But I would also speak to the school safeguarding team because this woman's life (and that of her children) will not get any better as long as he is with them.

He is obviously taking her meds, their money and god knows what's happening to the clothes etc - maybe he is selling them.

She needs help and support and I'm bloody glad you are there for her. Please be a friend to her. She may have no one else.

I wouldn't give to someone that wasn't my friend. By friend, I mean that I know them well and I would go to their place and invite them to mine etc.

If you haven't seen her living situation or her kids wearing the things you give her, then I would assume she's taking the piss and possibly selling the items on. Things like substance abuse can drive a person to do these things. If they are truly in need then it may be for the best to involve social services, as they can help her long term.

PS, you sound very kind and generous.

substance abuse can drive people to do these things....she is probably taking the piss

Money, possibly. I can't imagine there is a lucrative market for used bath towels though, so she is probably telling the truth that she only has one.

I mean she probably only has one bath towel and is begging because the money these things should be bought with has been spent on drugs.

That is just me speculating because of the substance abuse issues, I still have a lot of sympathy for this family, including any addicts involved.

Thank you everyone for your input.

To be honest I used to see her dd with the clothes etc but haven't for a while except for school shoes.
The mum contacted me over the last half term asking if I had any as her dd was going to school in wellies, my dd confirmed this.

There were rumours that she was selling stuff on but I don't know. She asks for "anything you don't want" which to me is strange as I'm twice the size of her she's painfully thin ( and I'm not! )

My ds is a teen in men's sizes and her dh is huge so I don't know what she would use anything for other than dd's stuff. Her children are all under 10.

I believe her husband is a big drinker and have heard terrible things about him from her but on the many occasions I've seen him at school he is very amiable and grateful for the clothes.
I appreciate that he could be putting on an act.

I haven't been to her home and I have seen the gypsy programmes on television where they live in fabulous spotless homes and the children are always dressed impeccable, what a huge stereotype!

From what she has told me, ss have previously been involved as school contacted them and she put on an act of solidarity with dh to show how happy they are as she said it's sort of accepted in their culture that some men treat the women like crap and she just puts up with it.

Sad situation all round really.

I would make SS and the school aware of the situation. Culture or not its not right to leave children in that sort of household. How are they expected to thrive with one parent an abusive addict?

reuset
The neighbour thing was aimed at a previous poster as much as yourself, and to be honest I assumed being in the broader local area was not the same as being right next door/the same street. Apologies if you are in fact immediate neighbours. If so, how is it working out? I would genuinely love to hear it's all fine, but I know that so many times it is not, hence understanding why people would be extremely concerned. You seem to think this concern is wrong. You yourself may not have used the word racist but that is what you are implying, no? Tbh that was just a general comment on this sort of mindset - where people are expected to put up with extreme antisocial behaviour otherwise it's "racist".

You yourself may not have used the word racist but that is what you are implying, no?

So I'm only implying it now?

When you have any real point to make, Everything, do let me know.

OP I'm glad she had found someone to confide in it must have taken a lot of courage for her to do that and I think you are a very generous person.
Just be mindful that you can not
Provide all the support she needs and don't give more emotionally or physically than you can spare. And well done for not handing over medication- that is a big no no as you are obviously aware.

where people are expected to put up with extreme antisocial behaviour otherwise it's "racist"

What percentage of travellers cause issues? All? Some? A minority? 90% or so are settled and no doubt some of the remaining 10% do create problems but as we know from MN threads, we witness plenty of anti-social behaviour from those who live in houses.

The 2016 Planning Act removed a council's obligation to consider their specific needs. Essentially there are not enough legal places for them to stop. There is also no supporting criminal data that shows encampments lead to an increase in crime.

There is some very lazy stereotyping going on on this thread and this stereotyping is racist as the ethnicity of Roma gypsies and Irish travellers is a protected characteristic.

Why are you being so unpleasant, reuset?
The point I'm making is quite clear. If people have had bad experiences repeatedly with any group of people, they are entitled to be wary of them. Even if they belong to a protected minority. I live in a multicultural area and most people get along fine but there is one group that have caused a lot of issues with litter and excessive noise (blasting music all day/night). Thankfully I no longer live next door to any of them - when you can't think straight and health problems have got much worse due to months of sleep deprivation, you start to realise that people have a point to be wary.

Near here, we had one of those cash for clothes places. Some people arrived with everything they could find in bin bags to get a few quid. Her husband may well be selling anything she gets given. Or he may be taking the benefits and she is making a few quid selling stuff.

I'm a traveller, albeit a settled one married to a non traveller.

I wouldn't ask anyone for anything ever- we can (legally) provide everything our baby needs.

I'm telling you this from her point of view- she's making a mug of you. She thinks you're soft and is using you.

Also he will be earning on the side, no exception.

I come from a Romany gypsy family although the only traits I inherited are my stunning good looks and hideous temper lol

Travellers or not, social services need to investigate. Violent drunk dad and an inability to provide for the kids (yet they keep on having more!) sounds very worrying.

Poles apart, but we have two bath towels each plus spares - they can't keep a whole family clean with one bath towel ffs.

When you're propping up someone with substance abuse issues in a family you can have a steady income (benefits or a job) but it gets drained the minute it hits your account. For that reason, as you know the background I'd continue to give her stuff you don't need. At the worst she might be mildly making a mug off you and selling it but so what? At the best you could be helping a family with the basics a human deserves.

Said as someone who used to buy posh clothing brands in charity shops and sell them for more on eBay to try and juggle the family/addict combo. I still feel ashamed I did that but it's better than stealing.

@redstripelassie

Don't feel bad x

You are very kind, OP. She may well be selling some or all of the stuff on. So what? You don't need it. Better than chucking it out. At least someone is getting some use from it.

its not "racist " . (They are not a race! )

Case law will prove you wrong there. Roma gypsies and Irish travellers are both protected under the Equality Act as their ethnicity is a protected characteristic.

She might be taking the piss, if you don't want to, don't pass on anymore stuff. Tbh, I would not, this constant asking would make me feel very uncomfortable.