To believe that this family of 8 has one bath towel?

[Zoflorabore]

Hi, my dd goes to primary school with a little girl who's family are travellers but now settled in a house. Her dh apparently mistreats her and has got substance issues.

They were also at nursery together and the mum has told me her whole life story and basically started asking for my dd's hand me downs.
I had no problem with this, my dd is bigger and I could tell she was in desperate need.

For the last few years I have continued to pass on clothes/coats/shoes etc plus school uniform and anything that I think her dd would like such as dress up outfits and hair accessories, my dd has a lot of things and I am grateful for that.

Several times the mum has asked me for food, money and even medication as she has similar pain issues to me, i would not give her my medication and helped her several times with food and money.

There have been people locally who say that she asks a lot of people for stuff, she has 6 kids and is pg again and said she has nothing for new baby due v soon.

Last year after the latest baby she said that she can't have any more children

This morning at school she said the usual that they have no money etc and that she needs xyz for new baby and then asked me if I could give her a bath towel as she only has 1 in the house for 8 people:

I am sympathetic to her but also she has told me that her dh gets dla ( he faked it apparently) and she gets all of the benefits she's entitled to.

This is not a benefits bashing btw, we claim some too. I just don't know what to believe any more and feel sorry for the children.
They look so uncared for and the little girl in my dd's class looks pitiful it's really sad.

[Zampa]

If we interchanged travellers here for Jews, some of you would sound like Nazis.

[Mrbrownstone]

Oh for Gods sake, zampa 🙄
I hate how ridiculously pc we have become. Traveller apologists. Would you be happy to see them roll up on your land?

[Zampa]

I imagine people who wouldn't let houses to Irish people once complained about society becoming ridiculously PC. They probably said things like "would you be happy if a black family moved in next door to you".

[Mrbrownstone]

So you would be happy to see them roll up on your land?

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

Six kids, pregnant again and travellers? Exceptionally irresponsible. I would report to social services, the job centre (about the benefits) and have nothing more to do with them.

[Zampa]

Whenever I've dealt with traveller communities staying on land owned by my clients we've never had issues, so it doesn't bother me. They generally stay a night or two then move on.

[Zampa]

It's irresponsible to be a traveller?! WTAF?

[Mrbrownstone]

Zampa I seriously doubt anyone who has travellers trespass on their property, stay as long as they feel like it , intimidate anyone who dares question them & leave their mess all over the place, is "not bothered ". Like I say Ive given the op a reply based on my experience of travellers. Something tells me Im not alone in what Ive experienced.

[chipscheeseandgravy]

If you don't need stuff pass it on to her. She may sell it, she may pass it too other family members. Alternatively if your saying ds is in men's sizes, she may wear the clothes herself if you pass them to her.
Personally I would feel uncomfortable lending money, but I wouldn't have an issue with a food parcel of the same value (can't sell it or her dh can't drink it away). Also means the kids get food in them. Get stuff that doesn't need much cooking, or doesn't need lots of things added to, to make a meal. So go for tinned basis; beans, soup, tinned spaghetti, some sauces for pasta, try not to do microwaveable rice - if you don't have a microwave it's fucking pointless. Squash and treats for the kids packs of mini Oreos, bag of crisps etc.
Maybe put her in contact with some local charities - women's shelter, food bank etc.
If your concerned with how the kids are being treated, maybe contact SS, it's important that if the kids are in a neglectful situation that they are given help. Or maybe have a word with the school, assuming more than one child is of school age there is every chance they may be aware of potential issues with the family.
She may have been told it would be hard for her to conceive again. Many people get told they can't have any more kids and then along comes a baby.

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

Zampa it's irresponsible to have six children you cannot afford AND continue to get pregnant while freeloading off everyone around you.

[LucieLucie]

Zampa pipe down for gods sake! Stop trying to control other people's opinions about their experience of travellers.

Some are nice granted but many are not. Many do "live off the land" and make sure they take everything and everyone they can.

Some are protected under the ethnic minority legislation but many are white British travelling criminals who cause a lot of problems.

I would think the pregnant again traveller wife could do with condoms rather than a bath towel and I'd doubt very much that she was being genuine. Who on earth would want a second hand towel?

It's not a 3rd world country we're living in, their contraception choices are their responsibility and frankly if they are failing to family plan under these circumstances then social services should be involved.

Put her name and phone number into Facebook search pages, you may see her selling stuff she's been given.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Totally agree whattodo, totally irresponsible of her to have another child in those circumstances. You don't have to give to her, you have done enough already. If you want to, give to a woman's shelter or homeless shelter.

[Nancy91]

Agreed with the above, if you can't afford the kids you've already got, then it is spectacularly selfish to have more.

[limondant]

We have six dc and DH on ESA/PIP (which is impossible to fake) - our income is about £660pw, with rent and council tax covered separately. So if she's able to budget, the family income should cover the basics like clothes and food. Of course that's not much use if her DH is abusive - but then you could say that about a woman with an abusive millionaire DH. I think the best thing you could do if you suspect DV is to be supportive and try to steer her towards official sources of support like Women's Aid. It might be helpful to get school/SS involved, as that can trigger some statutory support, e.g. getting rehoused. It seems a sad situation all around but just giving her the items won't be as helpful in the long term, she needs a way to move forward with finances independently rather than depending on the kindness of others.

[Crumbs1]

Are people aware GRT is a protected characteristic under Equality Act 2010 and comments are not akin to racism but ARE racism. My husband used to work with a lovely traveller family. Mum waited outside Safeways for me to go shopping and ask me to pick up some bits as she was banned. He worked out a scheme whereby if her four children attended school Monday to Friday the family got a food hamper from the school kitchen by way of reward. It worked very well and children remained in school until they were 16 - which was quite rare. It's just a different culture and different way of living.

[Chaotica]

Thanks Crumbs1 and Zampa. You are right. It is a different way of living and it doesn't always fit well with a what a lot of people on this thread think is acceptable, but that does not excuse assumptions, stereotyping and insults.

FWIW 'White British travelling criminals' are not Travellers by definition. (Which is not to say that no Travellers are criminals, but most are not; just like most of the settled population (gorgios) aren't.)

[belmontian]

Mum waited outside Safeways for me to go shopping and ask me to pick up some bits as she was banned.

That's the thing, people are very quick to judge Travellers and even when they want to better themselves they are beaten down at the first hurdle. In our town if people know they face a lot of discrimination. The boys know they will not be able to apply for a job because they will not get an interview, even for a labouring job. As a result they have no incentive to get an education, they do door-to-door gardening/tarmacking which does not provide a steady income which means they rely on benefits. Very high prevalence of alcoholism and very little chance of living beyond 50

[user1497403588]

I'd steer clear, tbh you should have given her the couple of hand me downs and gone on with your own business.. not painting all with same brush here but my grandmother knew a woman like this years ago, asking for babygros, blankets etc (no problem) and one day my granny was giving away her childrens (sacred!) christening outfits to this women who she thought she had made a friend, the woman stole her purse while in the house...

The asking for money says enough tbh. She will keep coming back, ask for more, get angry when you stop.

[Dibbles1967]

I've only known one traveller family personally. The little girl was in my DD's class at Primary School & they were good friends. The friend came & went as they used to travel a bit (doh) but often came back. The parents were as nice as you could wish for & they were a lovely family. My DD was upset when the LG left for good at 14.

There was another mum - always been local - to whom I gave a pile of DS's clothes when I was having a clear out. From then on she kept asking for more, needed money for the meter, didn't have enough food etc. Initially she had 2 children - twins, went on to have another & then another set of twins soon after. Always looked high as a kite. My point being, Just because this lady is a traveller it doesn't make her any less a human being & is it right that she is tarred with the same brush as the less scrupulous Travellers. The mum I referred to previously, was blatantly fleecing the system & everyone around her that she could. I and others know this for a fact.

I'd say she has just found in OP someone she can trust & that's not an easy thing. I'm having a glass half full day, so OP should trust her own instincts at the end of the day. I think the bath towel was the clincher.

[MaryTheCanary]

It occurred to me that not having any towels could actually happen in the event of some domestic emergency where every towel in the house gets used up in clearing up the mess and then they are so disgusting that it makes sense to bin them rather than wash them (example: the family gets hit with noro virus, mum is not coping well and there is toddler diarrhea and puke everywhere....)

[Aeroflotgirl]

Traveller aside, the more you give this woman, the more she wants, not just clothes, op money, medication, which is not on. I think its time for op to say no to her. She by the sounds of it, she has helped this woman enough times throughout the years. She's pregnant again, when she has to go begging people for food, clothes, money, totally irresponsible.

[NormaSmuff]

can you spare a towel? this is the question.
would she want your passed down towels? is another question.

[NormaSmuff]

Let the school know if you wish. they will have procedures but i dont think it is against the law to be asking for a towel

[Aeroflotgirl]

No Norma, but that's not the only things over the years she asked for, money, food, medication, clothes. Sometimes you have to say no! Op has helped her over the years.