To believe that this family of 8 has one bath towel?

[Zoflorabore]

Hi, my dd goes to primary school with a little girl who's family are travellers but now settled in a house. Her dh apparently mistreats her and has got substance issues.

They were also at nursery together and the mum has told me her whole life story and basically started asking for my dd's hand me downs.
I had no problem with this, my dd is bigger and I could tell she was in desperate need.

For the last few years I have continued to pass on clothes/coats/shoes etc plus school uniform and anything that I think her dd would like such as dress up outfits and hair accessories, my dd has a lot of things and I am grateful for that.

Several times the mum has asked me for food, money and even medication as she has similar pain issues to me, i would not give her my medication and helped her several times with food and money.

There have been people locally who say that she asks a lot of people for stuff, she has 6 kids and is pg again and said she has nothing for new baby due v soon.

Last year after the latest baby she said that she can't have any more children

This morning at school she said the usual that they have no money etc and that she needs xyz for new baby and then asked me if I could give her a bath towel as she only has 1 in the house for 8 people:

I am sympathetic to her but also she has told me that her dh gets dla ( he faked it apparently) and she gets all of the benefits she's entitled to.

This is not a benefits bashing btw, we claim some too. I just don't know what to believe any more and feel sorry for the children.
They look so uncared for and the little girl in my dd's class looks pitiful it's really sad.

[reuset]

Some of the traveller/gypsy comments here! The worst have been deleted thank goodness.

[belmontian]

I'm horrified at how the fact that this woman is a Traveller seems to have caused posters here to victim blame. If it wasn't mentioned in the OP I'm sure lots of responses would have been more empathetic towards a woman who is in an abusive situation.

[Crumbs1]

And let's remember many travellers are Catholic and contraception is against religious beliefs - more Racism, I'm afraid.

[NormaSmuff]

Well the op is certainly not responsible for her

[corythatwas]

WhatToDo, that presupposes that she can get to a doctor and keep the pill hidden without her husband finding out. It presupposes that her husband will not subject to her abuse if she seems unable to get pregnant. It presupposes that she has not internalised the message of her surrounding culture that it is her job to give her husband what he wants.

Why are we laying all this on the wife and not the husband? If anyone is irresponsible, why is it her and not him?

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

corythatwas The Pill.

[corythatwas]

Those of you who are saying that this woman is irresponsible to have more children and that what she needs is condoms, did you miss the part of the OP about her husband being abusive?

HOW DO YOU PUT A CONDOM ON THE COCK OF AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND?

What reason do we have to believe that this woman has any input as to the family's reproductive choices?

[NormaSmuff]

i think people are generalising about Traveller families a bit.
This one doesnt appear to have pride

[Crumbs1]

Have to say travelling families are rarely filthy. The girls are brought up to spend every waking moment cleaning the trailer and women usually pride themselves on the cleanliness of their home. Many won't even do the washing up inside because it's considered dirty.

[DisorderedAllsorts]

She should be entitled to food vouchers from her midwife or GP. I think she's asking the OP because it won't attract the attention of outside agencies. The traveller community are very private & reserved so won't want agencies prying in their business. If her children are neglected & hungry then she'll be scared that they may be taken into care etc.

[Aeroflotgirl]

No Norma, but that's not the only things over the years she asked for, money, food, medication, clothes. Sometimes you have to say no! Op has helped her over the years.

[NormaSmuff]

Let the school know if you wish. they will have procedures but i dont think it is against the law to be asking for a towel

[NormaSmuff]

can you spare a towel? this is the question.
would she want your passed down towels? is another question.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Traveller aside, the more you give this woman, the more she wants, not just clothes, op money, medication, which is not on. I think its time for op to say no to her. She by the sounds of it, she has helped this woman enough times throughout the years. She's pregnant again, when she has to go begging people for food, clothes, money, totally irresponsible.

[MaryTheCanary]

It occurred to me that not having any towels could actually happen in the event of some domestic emergency where every towel in the house gets used up in clearing up the mess and then they are so disgusting that it makes sense to bin them rather than wash them (example: the family gets hit with noro virus, mum is not coping well and there is toddler diarrhea and puke everywhere....)

[Dibbles1967]

I've only known one traveller family personally. The little girl was in my DD's class at Primary School & they were good friends. The friend came & went as they used to travel a bit (doh) but often came back. The parents were as nice as you could wish for & they were a lovely family. My DD was upset when the LG left for good at 14.

There was another mum - always been local - to whom I gave a pile of DS's clothes when I was having a clear out. From then on she kept asking for more, needed money for the meter, didn't have enough food etc. Initially she had 2 children - twins, went on to have another & then another set of twins soon after. Always looked high as a kite. My point being, Just because this lady is a traveller it doesn't make her any less a human being & is it right that she is tarred with the same brush as the less scrupulous Travellers. The mum I referred to previously, was blatantly fleecing the system & everyone around her that she could. I and others know this for a fact.

I'd say she has just found in OP someone she can trust & that's not an easy thing. I'm having a glass half full day, so OP should trust her own instincts at the end of the day. I think the bath towel was the clincher.

[user1497403588]

I'd steer clear, tbh you should have given her the couple of hand me downs and gone on with your own business.. not painting all with same brush here but my grandmother knew a woman like this years ago, asking for babygros, blankets etc (no problem) and one day my granny was giving away her childrens (sacred!) christening outfits to this women who she thought she had made a friend, the woman stole her purse while in the house...

The asking for money says enough tbh. She will keep coming back, ask for more, get angry when you stop.

[belmontian]

Mum waited outside Safeways for me to go shopping and ask me to pick up some bits as she was banned.

That's the thing, people are very quick to judge Travellers and even when they want to better themselves they are beaten down at the first hurdle. In our town if people know they face a lot of discrimination. The boys know they will not be able to apply for a job because they will not get an interview, even for a labouring job. As a result they have no incentive to get an education, they do door-to-door gardening/tarmacking which does not provide a steady income which means they rely on benefits. Very high prevalence of alcoholism and very little chance of living beyond 50

[Chaotica]

Thanks Crumbs1 and Zampa. You are right. It is a different way of living and it doesn't always fit well with a what a lot of people on this thread think is acceptable, but that does not excuse assumptions, stereotyping and insults.

FWIW 'White British travelling criminals' are not Travellers by definition. (Which is not to say that no Travellers are criminals, but most are not; just like most of the settled population (gorgios) aren't.)

[Crumbs1]

Are people aware GRT is a protected characteristic under Equality Act 2010 and comments are not akin to racism but ARE racism. My husband used to work with a lovely traveller family. Mum waited outside Safeways for me to go shopping and ask me to pick up some bits as she was banned. He worked out a scheme whereby if her four children attended school Monday to Friday the family got a food hamper from the school kitchen by way of reward. It worked very well and children remained in school until they were 16 - which was quite rare. It's just a different culture and different way of living.

[limondant]

We have six dc and DH on ESA/PIP (which is impossible to fake) - our income is about £660pw, with rent and council tax covered separately. So if she's able to budget, the family income should cover the basics like clothes and food. Of course that's not much use if her DH is abusive - but then you could say that about a woman with an abusive millionaire DH. I think the best thing you could do if you suspect DV is to be supportive and try to steer her towards official sources of support like Women's Aid. It might be helpful to get school/SS involved, as that can trigger some statutory support, e.g. getting rehoused. It seems a sad situation all around but just giving her the items won't be as helpful in the long term, she needs a way to move forward with finances independently rather than depending on the kindness of others.

[Nancy91]

Agreed with the above, if you can't afford the kids you've already got, then it is spectacularly selfish to have more.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Totally agree whattodo, totally irresponsible of her to have another child in those circumstances. You don't have to give to her, you have done enough already. If you want to, give to a woman's shelter or homeless shelter.

[LucieLucie]

Zampa pipe down for gods sake! Stop trying to control other people's opinions about their experience of travellers.

Some are nice granted but many are not. Many do "live off the land" and make sure they take everything and everyone they can.

Some are protected under the ethnic minority legislation but many are white British travelling criminals who cause a lot of problems.

I would think the pregnant again traveller wife could do with condoms rather than a bath towel and I'd doubt very much that she was being genuine. Who on earth would want a second hand towel?

It's not a 3rd world country we're living in, their contraception choices are their responsibility and frankly if they are failing to family plan under these circumstances then social services should be involved.

Put her name and phone number into Facebook search pages, you may see her selling stuff she's been given.