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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe that this family of 8 has one bath towel?

110 replies

Zoflorabore · 30/06/2017 11:49

Hi, my dd goes to primary school with a little girl who's family are travellers but now settled in a house. Her dh apparently mistreats her and has got substance issues.

They were also at nursery together and the mum has told me her whole life story and basically started asking for my dd's hand me downs.
I had no problem with this, my dd is bigger and I could tell she was in desperate need.

For the last few years I have continued to pass on clothes/coats/shoes etc plus school uniform and anything that I think her dd would like such as dress up outfits and hair accessories, my dd has a lot of things and I am grateful for that.

Several times the mum has asked me for food, money and even medication as she has similar pain issues to me, i would not give her my medication and helped her several times with food and money.

There have been people locally who say that she asks a lot of people for stuff, she has 6 kids and is pg again and said she has nothing for new baby due v soon.

Last year after the latest baby she said that she can't have any more childrenHmm

This morning at school she said the usual that they have no money etc and that she needs xyz for new baby and then asked me if I could give her a bath towel as she only has 1 in the house for 8 people:

I am sympathetic to her but also she has told me that her dh gets dla ( he faked it apparently) and she gets all of the benefits she's entitled to.

This is not a benefits bashing btw, we claim some too. I just don't know what to believe any more and feel sorry for the children.
They look so uncared for and the little girl in my dd's class looks pitiful it's really sad.

OP posts:
Changebagsandgladrags · 30/06/2017 13:14

It sounds like she's desperate and if she is, it would be very hard for her to admit this and ask you for help.

It's unlikely someone would try to resell a second-hand bath towel.

If she said she can't have anymore children then maybe the doctors told her would be a risk to her health to have more. It's irrelevant if she's not on a form of birth control.

Also I would speak to the teachers so they can ensure that she is getting the help she needs.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/06/2017 13:16

Susannah woke up full of the milk of human kindness this morning Hmm

belmontian · 30/06/2017 13:17

*Well she saw you coming didn't she op?
For goodness sake don't give her anything else. Have you not read reports in newspapers about how these gypsies park illegally on land near villages and towns, terrorising the local community, and leave an enormous mess for the council to get rid of once they are eventually moved on?

I know you said this particular family live in a house - paid for by the rest of us of course. No doubt there is an expensive car parked on the drive. They are not as hard up as they would like you to believe - they are scroungers.*

Charming Hmm Throw out your copy of the DM and educate yourself please. Believe it or not there are lots of Travellers and they are not all the same.

wiltingfast · 30/06/2017 13:21

Well it's impossible to know what's going on really. TBH I'd just pass it on thinking she might be lying about WHY she needs it, but she probably does need it.

hellomoon · 30/06/2017 13:23

Just to add that the Travellers that are known to us keep their children impeccably in the best of gear and their vans/houses are absolutely spotless. They would not be pleased at the thought of wearing second hand clothes, so I can only assume that this woman is really desperate.

because of course, every single traveller is EXACTLY the same

LeannePerrins · 30/06/2017 13:24

I've reported Susannah's post for its lazy stereotyping.

Great post from Lakie however. I also echo PP who advise caution - and if you suspect neglect of the DC or abuse of the the mother then there are agencies who can help.

belmontian · 30/06/2017 13:38

*Just to add that the Travellers that are known to us keep their children impeccably in the best of gear and their vans/houses are absolutely spotless. They would not be pleased at the thought of wearing second hand clothes, so I can only assume that this woman is really desperate.

because of course, every single traveller is EXACTLY the same*

Of course they are not all the same, which is why I said the ones close to us. I had to attend a diversity training event regarding Travellers and in the handbook of their cultural customs it was noted that appearance is very important to them from a cultural POV.

reuset · 30/06/2017 13:39

Where did Susannah come from, the 1970s Confused

Utterly thoughtless and ignorant attitude. 'These gypsies' indeed!

January87 · 30/06/2017 13:40

Please don't give her any more money, if you have clothes to pass on do that.

Iris65 · 30/06/2017 13:42

susannah I hope that if you ever need help you meet people that are better informed and less judgemental than your post.

HellonHeels · 30/06/2017 13:43

Susannah that is a horrible post. You sound like a bigot.

highinthesky · 30/06/2017 13:43

She needs practical help to look after her family, and you have done your best to do so thus far. Don't feel guilty for being unable to do more; that is what state support is there for if she chose to ask for it.

But she ain't gonna thank you for reporting her to SS. Thats the gambit she's playing and sadly the real losers are her children. They don't stand a chance in the wider world with their parent's lifestyle.

highinthesky · 30/06/2017 13:46

I think Susannah might live in the outskirts of Basildon rather than the 1970s. When it comes to the crunch, everyone's a NIMBY.

LogicalPsycho · 30/06/2017 13:55

I'd be suspicious why a pregnant woman is after your pain medication tbh.
If your medicine is opiate based I'd be wondering if it was just going straight to her DH, or being sold for profit tbh.

In either case, you could be in massive trouble if your meds are Scheduled drugs (Morphine/Tramadol etc). Do not hand them over under any circumstances!

reuset · 30/06/2017 13:55

It's true of some for sure, highin. Our local Facebook page goes frantic when travellers arrive nearby, appalling in this day and age.

Emmageddon · 30/06/2017 13:56

'These gypsies' - did I fall asleep and wake up in 1974?

FFS @SusannahL have some compassion. The woman is asking for clothes and towels, not tobacco and alcohol.

LeannePerrins · 30/06/2017 13:59

OP was clear that she has never handed over medication.

Zampa · 30/06/2017 14:03

I've reported SusannahL's post for blatant racism. It's disgusting that some people think it's acceptable to hold these attitudes.

MaryTheCanary · 30/06/2017 14:12

Nobody is going to sell a manky old second hand towel. She must genuinely not have any towels. Which makes me wonder if her husband is deliberately throwing stuff out or destroying it as a form of abusive behavior.

I would have a word with SS.

superfluffyanimal · 30/06/2017 14:20

Her DH is probably pissing the DLA and benefits away.

A towel wouldn't raise alarm bells to me, if she were taking the piss it would be with a towel would it?

in your shoes I would continue with the clothing, shoes, maybe cooked food and as others said speak to the school. Teachers are not blind.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 30/06/2017 14:21

It's seems to me that she may be struggling now that she's no longer part of a larger community of travellers, and she could see see you as filling that gap.

While I think it's lovely that you're helping her, don't give more than you're comfortable with. It doesn't help her to become too dependant on you.

superfluffyanimal · 30/06/2017 14:21

Sorry I mean "wouldn't be a towel"

YourHandInMyHand · 30/06/2017 14:21

If the child in your DD's class looks uncared for and pitiful have you considered logging your concerns with local safeguarding AND with the school? A parent regularly asking others for basic essentials is a cause for concern and whilst it's very kind to pass on clothing your own DD has grown out of, they may need some agency involvement to address the root causes of what's going wrong within the home.

If you can afford to spare an old bath towel then do, but also please consider reporting this. Sometimes little pieces of the puzzle add up to a bigger picture and by her dd going in your dd's clothes it may be a Band-Aid that's not a temporary fix rather than a good long term look at the whole situation.

These children need food and clothes, the mum may need meds that her husband is taking instead. They have another baby coming into a house without basic essentials. I really feel for these kids. Sad

EverythingUnderTheSun · 30/06/2017 14:46

steppemum If it were me, I would give her any stuff that I didn't need and was happy to pass on.
Tbh, even if she doesn't actually need it, and is passing it on/selling it, I wouldn't mind as her situation is obviously poor.

Agree with this.

high When it comes to the crunch, everyone's a NIMBY.
reuset Our local Facebook page goes frantic when travellers arrive nearby, appalling in this day and age.

I thought that NIMBYism was about objecting to perfectly reasonably stuff? (eg. a few wind turbines in the distance.) I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned about the crime, litter, and devastation so many travellers seem to bring to an area. I know the reasons for it are complex, but I don't think the answer is to shout "racist" at those who have their own struggles and object to this behaviour. Perhaps we could set up some new places for them to pitch up near people such as yourself who would clearly be better neighbours for them...

OohMavis · 30/06/2017 14:53

They probably do receive all the money they need to buy these basic things, but he's probably busy sniffing it all.

I would continue to help as long as I didn't feel I was being relied on completely. And try to get her to see sense and leave him.