To feel sad

[lovelysquish]

DD and I have co slept since the birth. She's now sleeping through most nights and in her own bed most nights (but the same room). She's 4.5yo. And DP has slept in what should be her room.

We are very close and she starts school in September. Though she's very excited, and so am I, I'm nervous.

I talked to her this morning about if she'd like her own room one day and she said yeah, I asked her if she wants to sleep in her own room tonight and she said yeah. So she's been helping move everything and swapping the rooms around.

She's gone out with my dad for a couple hours whilst I finish up but I feel really sad that she's going to be in her own room.

She's already said what if she needs me in the night or needs a wee. I've told her that she can just come and wake me up or get in the bed with us. She's nervous about that because she does have night terrors.

I'm worried about not hearing her should she be upset, crying out and unable to move during her terrors.

I know I'm rambling and it's probably nothing to you who has had their baby in their own room since 2 seconds old but this is a big deal.

I'm 70% ish finished with the change around and in all honesty I want to swap it back.

Don't even know if DP and myself will be able to sleep in the same bed as each other anymore since it's been so long.

When DD wakes up she always makes sure I'm there then she goes back to sleep, if I'm not, she comes looking for me.

Think I've made a mistake changing it.

I co-slept with both my ds for 5 years. Perfect sleepers now, in their own bed. They are happy to go to bed and completely independent.
I just wanted to say that as it's not done mine any harm whatsoever...

Sorry OP but you need to let go. Cosleeping is for the benefit of the child, not you. She's happy and excited about this next stage, as she should be

Haha, my favourite anti co-sleeping post is the one from the wise mother of the 3 month-old. Do come back to us when your baby has R.E.M. sleep.

OP, I did extended co-sleeping with my extremely confident 6 year-old and will do again with my 8 month-old, until she feels ready. It's a change, so it feels scary. Once you've done the first night it will feel better and you still get the best bit with bedtime cuddles/story.

@witsender

The whole room bed idea is just magnificent. I now in your greatness! ATM I've pushed a double up against a single and dp and I will sleep there and there's more than enough room for her if she decides to join us for a cuddle.

She's back now and already said 'I'll fall asleep in my bed but I'm coming in your room in the night to cuddle up with you' 😂🤦‍♀️😍

@SootSprite Calm down preciious 😂

I'm guessing I don't measure up to your standards either eh? Difference is, I don't care.

I'm jealous of those parents who's kids have slept through since day one or 8weeks. Seriously, poor jealousy.

We have a very healthy relationship and are very close. She's already told me she's coming into my bed during the night, so it's hardly for my benefit she's stayed with me. 😂

@SolomanDaisy Mother of the 3mo? Haha.

When I was pregnant I said NO WAY would I co sleep even once. But it didn't work out that way, it's been natural to do it this way.

She's home now and she was so excited to show her grandpa (my dad) her 'play' room. I asked her what she meant and she said 'this room is for me to play in isn't it mummy'

I said 'no you sleep in here now and can play in here'

She walked into main bedroom and pointed to the big bed (right bit) and said 'that's daddy's bit' pointed to middle and said 'that's your bit mummy, that bit there'.

Then got on the bed, starfished and said 'and this bit, this bit is my bit!!!'

Hmmm don't think so kid 😂

That was meant to be pure jealousy, not poor jealousy 😑

When my children, and now grandchildren, move onto another stage of their life, I am so happy and so proud of them and that always outweighs any sadness of them growing up. So instead of crying over baby clothes I was always so delighted that they were old enough to wear bigger clothes. Instead of feeling sad that they were starting nursey or big school, we would focus on how exciting it is to meet them at the school gate and hear all about their day.

As others have said it is healthy and natural for your not so little girl to have her own space in which to sleep, and have a room to call her own. Be proud of her for making this step, and as you have enjoy helping her to make it her own. And remember it is not about you (or me) but it is your child's (and mine) needs which are more important. One of my greatest fears was putting my emotions and needs onto my children's shoulders, and so I do try never to do that.

My only objection to your post is that you ask not to be judged on co-sleeping with your daughter for far longer than most, while at the same time judging those whose children have had their own rooms as young babies. I don't think that is fair of you at all.

However, embrace the change and enjoy the independence your daughter is now strong enough to make.

Enjoy not having limbs in your back and over your face

She will probably come in a few times. My son is 7 and he comes in to our bed in the morning before breakfast for a chat.

How does your husband feel about all this? Sounds like he has been eclipsed somewhat...

Did you speak to your partner about changing bedrooms?

Yabu with your sarcastic tone towards other parents. Mine slept in their own rooms from around 6mo. One was a great sleeper, one was awful. DH & I both work so would be up and down into ds's room throughout the night so being a bad sleeper has nothing to do with having your daughter in your room. You have done it for you and now she wants to go in her own room you're projecting your own worries onto her. Your poor dp being shoved into another room every night.
It's hard letting go and allowing changes, I've just started letting 9yo play out with his friends and don't love it yet but you have to let them grow up. You can bet not, or very few, of her friends still sleep with their mummy

Not sure why you're getting such a rough ride here.

DS2 is nearly six (waaah) and is still in our bed most nights. In the past few months he's started actually going to bed in his own bed, although he still usually comes in in the middle of the night.

On the mornings when I wake up and he's not there I feel a mixture of relief and overwhelming sadness.

It's a big step. It's the start of real independence I suppose.

I also always cry when I get rid of too small clothes. EVen with the 15yo...

I get you, squish My boy is 1, in his own bed in his own room, but my bed is in his room too. He mostly sleeps in his bed, but sometimes crawls in with me for a cuddle. This has already decreased since he was tiny, and I already miss the extra cuddles! I'll sleep in with him until he makes the decision to sleep on his own. I think a lot of people miss each stage as it passes!

Tonight will be tough! If she had indicated she wants to try you need to encourage her but give her the knowledge that it's still ok to come back to you which it sounds like you have! As parents we need to encourage our children to grow and be independent but we don't have to like it! Be proud though she is making her own choices and feels confident enough to do so. My nearly 9 yr old still pops back in our bed occasionally and our nearly 4 yr old goes to sleep in his own room and ends up with us 3 nights out of 7!

I find this kind of thread quite depressing. I can't help but feel that it is quite selfish and self-indulgent to want to hold your child back from moving onto the next exciting stage in their life, however old they are. It's not about you. It's about your child. Or it should be. I suspect that children whose parents have this kind of attitude are often the ones who have trouble when they start school because they have been overly babied and pick up on their parents' anxiety. I'd rather celebrate my children's growing independence.

No-one is holding her back from anything, there no need to be 'sad'. 😂 They have created her room for her, she is excited, but has said she will be back in later. It doesn't sound like you need to feel 'sad' for her.

Mother and child sharing bed for nearly five years while father sleeps in spare room doesn't sound like the healthiest set up for a couple's relationship.

People are knocking a loving caring mother in a world where so many children are neglected and feel so alone. I really don't understand

@bigmac4me Just to clarify, I wasn't judging at all. I was making a tongue in cheek remark as all I ever hear from people if they find out we co-sleep 'oh my DC was straight in their own rooms' - it gets a little tiresome. I've even had it off my own mother, apparently I was sleeping through in my own room at 6 weeks! 😑.

@ProudBadMum She put limbs in my face still she was around 2.5yo then it became her thing to use my (squishy) tummy as a pillow 🤦‍♀️ so I'd wake desperate for a wee and wouldn't move because she was led on me 😂

@livefornaps DP is fine about it, always said when she's ready. We spend every evening together and still DTD

@TheSnowFairy No I didn't

@EssieTregowan Getting a rough ride because others love to judge. I'm really not bothered though, it's worked for us ❤. Thank you ❤.

@Foxley11 Just make sure you get loads of squishes before you go to sleep. ❤😍

@Ilovewillow I'm so proud of her for wanting to. I think it's just the 'wow, she's growing up' that hit me earlier. ❤

@Eolian My DD is in nursery and goes off without a problem, so you don't need to suspect a thing 🖕🏻.

@witsender Even when reading her a story she was telling me she's coming to sleep with me later so 'don't lay in the middle of the bed' 😂

@VilootShesCute Thanks ❤, she's my world and I love her to bits. I will it's the morning cuddles but I won't miss having to lay there 20-30 mins with a full bladder debating if I should try and get out from under her 😂❤ people love to judge and make snide comments to make themselves feel better. Thing is my DD is a happy, healthy, kind, loving and clever little girl. She's clean, she's fed, she's clothed and she's loved ❤.

We made a big deal of it about how proud we are of her to move into her big room with all her toys, her pictures and stuff. She went in fine but as I was coming to the end of her big story she was getting more cuddly with me and clinging tighter. She's been in bed since 6:30pm and she's been up and down every 15 minutes, but we are currently on 25 mins so I'll check on her in a little while and see how she is ❤

I'm laughing at the idea of people feeling sad for the kids who co-sleep, as though they're somehow being held back. And yet one of the judgers is only just letting her child play out at nine years-old!

I hope she manages it OP, hopefully she's asleep by now.

Thing is my DD is a happy, healthy, kind, loving and clever little girl. She's clean, she's fed, she's clothed and she's loved ❤

You mean, you do the basic job as a parent that we all do everyday? Want a cookie?

Fucking hell Logical Psycho, who rattled your cage?

I reckon you're doing the right things OP, and you can feel how you damn well please about it as long as you give your girl encouragement and reassurance. Which you are.

Seriously MumsNet. It may not be what you do, it isn't what I plan to do (little girl only 5 mths at the mo so still in with me, accidental co-sleeping when I fall asleep feeding her deliberate when she's poorly or upset), but it's hardly abusive to give your child a lot of love. In many cultures around the world bedsharing with the wider family is the norm until far older than 4. Are they all depraved/emotionally codependent?

Co sleeping is a lovely way to feel close to your child - for some people, including the OP. Not everyone. OP is going to miss it, of course she's entitled to mixed feelings. No doubt she will now adapt and find other ways to support their close bond - for those so down on co-sleeping, any suggestions? You know, being helpful rather than slagging?