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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ask my daughter (20) for rent during uni holiday

66 replies

happymum73 · 29/06/2017 11:49

My ex husband says I should rather than him giving me maintenance for her as well as for my son (15).

OP posts:

SerfTerf · 29/06/2017 11:54

Why are those the two options? I'm covering DC1's housing this holiday. ExH has only once or twice in 17 years made (partial) payment of a monthly CS instalment. I've still housed him.

carefreeeee · 29/06/2017 11:56

I don't think she should have to pay you rent during the holidays. I don't know the rules on whether the father still has to pay once they are over 18 though? Obviously if finance is tight and she has a job then it might seem right to ask her to pay something - but I think the student loans arrangements are set up to assume parents will put the child up during the holidays - it doesn't allow for 12 months of rent each year.

WatchingFromTheWings · 29/06/2017 11:56

I throught maintenance stops when they go to uni anyway?

But no, I wouldn't ask for rent from my kids whilst still in education.

Clandestino · 29/06/2017 11:57

Your ex is just looking for the easy way out, isn't he?
I wouldn't charge her. My parents never charged, they knew that whatever work I did I financed my studies from it.

WatchingFromTheWings · 29/06/2017 11:58

I don't know the rules on whether the father still has to pay once they are over 18 though?

I believe it's up to 19 I'd still in school or college doing A-level equivalent. Normal stops if leaving school or going on to Uni.

WatchingFromTheWings · 29/06/2017 11:59

*if, not I'd!

PratStick · 29/06/2017 12:01

Will she be able to work? If you need the money, you need the money

VladmirsPoutine · 29/06/2017 12:01

He's basically trying to shirk his responsibilities.

That said, on MN you'll get people that declare once a child reaches 18 they should be paying monthly rent and basically have their lives entirely sorted out. Should they choose to have children and get married without so much as a bucket to piss in, parents need to keep out as their offspring is now officially an adult.

aginghippy · 29/06/2017 12:02

YANBU

Does he support DD in any way with her university expenses? If not (assuming he has money) he is BVU.

PinkHeart5911 · 29/06/2017 12:03

Do you still get maintenance for a 20 year old? 20 is definitely an adult!
How do they learn to support and look after themselves in this world if maintence still happens at 20?

Does your dd have a small job? Has she bothered looking for summer work? Could she just buy her own food etc and no pay rent as such?

BewtySkoolDropowt · 29/06/2017 12:04

Why would he be giving you maintenance for an adult? Surely she can work during the holidays, and pay for her own food etc?

lalaloopyhead · 29/06/2017 12:07

Realistically how much more will your costs be having her at home? Additional food obviously, but anything else. It is a tricky one as technically your EX is legally not required to pay maintenance anymore, so if he is not prepared to cover half her food costs then either you have to cover everything or ask her for a small contribution if you can't afford it.
Doe either of you give any financial assistance throughout the time she is away at uni, or does she provide for herself?

PratStick · 29/06/2017 12:09

Well I normally think a 20 year old living at home should be paying rent and it's not being evil and mean... I just kniw a lot of useless people who never contributed and continue to beg from their parents.

However as it might be difficult to get a job and oh rent just for the summer I'd leave it it if you can afford it.

Why doesn't he have her if he doesn't want to pay?

Hairhorror1 · 29/06/2017 12:11

If she doesn't have a job then it would be unfair to ask for rent.

I would expect a lot of help around the house from her though

shivermytimbers · 29/06/2017 12:12

It amazes me that people think holiday jobs are magically able to appear at the drop of a hat during uni holidays, providing ready cash for students.
My daughter is at uni and I'm really impressed with her work ethic. As soon as she got home for the holidays she got on with job hunting and managed to secure 3 part time jobs. None of them will pay straight away, 2 don't start for another couple of weeks anyway and with student finances being what they are, she has absolutely no money coming in until her first pay day which will be in a couple of weeks.
I have had to give her money for transport, food, her phone contract etc in the meantime and wouldn't dream of adding rent to her worries.
OP - YANBU at all. Unless parents literally can't afford to do so, then of course you should continue to support your children until they have finished their education at least.

FidgetSpinner · 29/06/2017 12:13

I've never known a 20 year old to get maintenance
Why can't she get a job during the holidays? I worked my way through uni.

HerBluebiro · 29/06/2017 12:14

Who pays for her term time expenses?

Is he giving her any money towards university?

Now she is >18 how you each choose to support her is between you and her. Not each other any more. So if you choose to allow her home in the holidays (perfectly normal imo) you choose how much financial support you will give her in the holidays, as you do in term time. You can't choose how much support he chooses to give her now. IME it seems the NR parent will stop regular payments at this stage. Some choose to give the payments directly to the adult children if they are still in full time education. Many just stop. Which is unreasonable imo as most 18/19 year olds are not mature independent adults any more. And are ill prepared to look after themselves.

FidgetSpinner · 29/06/2017 12:14

There are temp agencies.

sweetbitter · 29/06/2017 12:15

I think it depends on whether you will actually be stretched financially by her being there, or not. Presumably the main expense is food + water bill. Work out how much it will actually cost you and then speak to her about it.

shivermytimbers · 29/06/2017 12:15

By you I mean your exH. I'm sure you're already doing your bit!

pacempercutiens · 29/06/2017 12:26

my mother had to pay maintenance until the last day of university (court ordered)
when i left sixth form, there was an option put to me for the maintenance payment to go direct to me rather than to my dad

YANBU, but i think a little bit of rent expectancy doesn't hurt 20 year olds, if you don't need the money then you can always save it up for her
however, i also don't think that your daughter paying rent should mean exH gets away with not paying maintenance

myusernamewastaken · 29/06/2017 12:32

Im a single mum and my son has just come home for the summer....i wouldnt take any money from him as he still has to pay half rent for his student house...i also provide all food in the house too.

RedPeppers · 29/06/2017 12:34

Nope. That's a way for him to say that he won't be paying as much during the summer.
Forgetting that the money he gives you isn't for you but for his dcs.

Whether you are asking your dd to pay rent or not has nothing to do with him or with maintenance arrangement.

MickeyRooney · 29/06/2017 12:35

your twat ex doesn't want to pay for his child.
that's all this is about.

Bluntness100 · 29/06/2017 12:35

I don't charge my daught rent when she's home from uni, I can't imagine doing so, working or not. When she's in full time employment, possibly, but certainly not whilst in education. If she's in second year onwards she will be paying rent during the summer anyway on her uni home, as landlords let for the year.

I'm also unsure of all these magical jobs which just jump out and millions of uni students run into them during hols, then suddenly vacate during term time,

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