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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ask my daughter (20) for rent during uni holiday

66 replies

happymum73 · 29/06/2017 11:49

My ex husband says I should rather than him giving me maintenance for her as well as for my son (15).

OP posts:
shivermytimbers · 29/06/2017 13:52

I take your point there Bewty.
Ultimately though, whether the Dad gives money to the Mum or the daughter, it seems we agree that he should be supportive during her education.

Original poster
happymum73 · 29/06/2017 14:02

She does have a flexible job and earns about £50 a day. She has a few weeks of unpaid work lined up that is relevant to her degree.

We both contribute the same amount of money during term time to help her with her living expenses. But the money she earns during the holidays supplements this and helps towards her accommodation costs (accommodation is more than the maintenance loan she can get so always needs to be topped up).

I just feel that he uses the summer an an opportunity to save money by not giving her the usual monthly amount, but I am left short.

It's really only the principle of the situation that bothers me, but it would be nice to receive a contribution from him. That said he has always been a complete arse about money and maintenance and the responsibility has always sat with me....so it would be a miracle to get anything additional from him.

But I don't plan to ask her for any financial contribution, it doesn't feel right, despite the fact that he says he had to 'pay his way' from the age of 16. Plus she does a lot at home for me and for her brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
happymum73 · 29/06/2017 14:06

I think it would just be nice for him to see that my costs will have gone up whilst his have decreased substantially, albeit for 3 months. But I'm not going to cause a row with him over it (been there and got the t-shirt with money rows).

OP posts:
GreenGoblin0 · 29/06/2017 14:12

*minmooch

In most cases the maintenance usually covers a child whilst still in full time education - so uni counts as full time education.*

it doesn't for child maintenance purposes under the cms or CSA rules. NRPs are not expected to pay CM for adult children at university unless there is a court order stipulating otherwise.

chocolatemademefat · 29/06/2017 14:15

She's your daughter not a guest. If she has some kind of a job and can afford to pay you could suggest an amount but she may be looking on her summer job as a way of reducing a student overdraft or getting some funds together for going back to uni.

It's difficult but the uni years are expensive for families and my experience with my sons was that they looked forward to coming home for a bit to stop worrying about money.

Original poster
happymum73 · 29/06/2017 14:17

GreenGoblin0 This is exactly it. He is not obliged to pay anything extra to me, but morally I think he should...

He has always stuck to the exact % that he has had to, to the point of deducting what he was allowed to deduct when his ex moved in with her 2 children, despite my situation as a single mother not changing.

And we have been getting on a bit better recently so I had hoped he would want to do the right thing by me and the children, but apparently not!

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 29/06/2017 16:11

"Don't you want better for your Daughter?"

"You seem intent on making her struggle while she's trying to keep her head above water and get a degree. Is there a reason you want her to struggle? Do you want her to start her adult life in as much debt as possible?"

"I remember you said you struggled when you had to support yourself at 16. Do you really want your daughter to struggle while she's still a student and trying give herself a better shot at a career in the future?"

"your daughter is still a full time student. Why are you so dead-set against helping her better her life?"

Ask him when he says he doesn't want to help his own DD. Ask him.

GreenGoblin0 · 29/06/2017 16:33

how much do you give her during term time towards her living expenses? doesn't this ofset the amount she will be costing you in additional food during the holidays?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 29/06/2017 17:07

I can't imagine "allowing" my child home for the holidays - he lives here? Being at uni for 30 weeks of the year is surely not seen as having left home?

THIS exactly, it's weird.

Our DC were/are just away and their rooms were left as they were for when they wanted to come home.

Original poster
happymum73 · 29/06/2017 18:10

Fluffy Totally agree with you. She hasn't left home in my opinion. Her room is still there and will be until she moves into a house of her own. But she doesn't have a bedroom at her Dad's, his step daughter got that 2 years ago once my daughter went to uni. So she spends every night with me unless she's out. And I love that of course but it means he gets away with doing very little!!

OP posts:
Original poster
happymum73 · 29/06/2017 18:14

Green We give her £170 per month each.

She does have savings though and no overdraft which I'm pleased about. He sees that she's got a couple of trips away with friends coming up this summer so is more than capable to contribute at home. I'd rather she left uni without any more debt than the £12.5k p.a. she will be as it currently stands.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 29/06/2017 18:49

If earning then at least a contribution for food, I think.

disastrouslee · 29/06/2017 18:53

I don't hild with the usual MN "I could never charge my children" thing. In my view young people need to learn the value of money and the importance of budgeting.

However I would draw the line at uni holidays. DF started charging me when I started working full time after uni, and that's what I would do.

GreenGoblin0 · 29/06/2017 23:38

sorry but l can see where your exh is coming from

  • you usually give your daughter £170 per month in term time as does he
  • you are presumably not going to give this to her when she is back at home so you will have this £170 'extra'. your daughter isn't going to cost you more than £170 per month in food and extra utilities so youre not going to be out of pocket. it sounds more like you are annoyed that he will be better off by £170 for those few months - it doesn't mean he should be paying you maintenance for your Dd when you're not going to be any worse off. in addition she is earning and spending money on going away- it's completely reasonable for him not to give either her or you money for her keep in these circumstances- you aren't out of pocket and you don't expect her to pay rent so she won't be out of pocket either.
sweetbitter · 30/06/2017 08:41

I think you should look at how much your daughter will actually cost you living at home for those few months and base any discussions with your ex on that. Rather than making it a point of principle or arbitrary amounts.

rightwhine · 30/06/2017 08:45

I don't think he should pay maintenance to you. He should however still be contributing towards dds uni costs. This may be given when she goes back though.

He shouldn't be shirking his responsibilities so that you are worse off and he is better off.

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