When they're not actually brothers!

[3isthemagicnumbersoimtold]

I have three children

DS is 10 and twin DS are 7. My BIL and SIL have a son who is 9. From when he was born they've always been very set that he would be their only child. Fair enough not my business.

Anyway my boys are very close and get on well with each other. twins are identical and very close and older DS is a good big brother to them.

They get on well with their cousin and see him once a week (perhaps every two weeks) at my MIL. He's a lovely boy too and they get on well.

Anyway, last week they were upstairs playing and nephew came downstairs very upset saying my oldest DS had been mean to him. I asked DS to come downstairs to explain what was going on. DS came downstairs and explained that my nephew (his cousin) had said to him that he's just as close to him as the twins and they're brothers too. I think DS was maybe a bit blunt and said that cousins weren't as closely related as siblings. Nephew said that my BIL and SIL had told him they were as close. I quietly said to DS that he shouldn't hurt nephews feelings and that he wants to be as close as my DS is to his twins brothers, it wasn't harming anyone and it's lovely that he feels close to them.

Anyway, that was that I thought. But no, i had a text from my SIL who said she thinks my DS is incredibly mean and rude for telling nephew that he is not as close to them. I don't even know what to reply to her. It's just bonkers! They're not brothers!

I feel like I've been dragged into a strange argument that biology and genetics would set straight! Aibu to just tell her to piss off?

Gherkin - I went into a church (some random name that I can't remember) to have a rant and a mini breakdown and I came out with a whole lot of 'sista's'. I'm not bloody joking either! They made me feel all welcomed bless them. Hugged me and told me I was their sista.

That was one hangover I won't remember.

One I won't forget rather! I still shudder at the thoughts of marching up onto their stage to take over from the preacher. Sista's be escorting me off the stage and making me drink tea. Lord above but I was drunk.

OP. You sounds perfectly nice and reasonable.

I've just spoken to DS (Scotland they're on summer holidays) From what I gather the conversation started along the lines of DS getting annoyed that the twins can be a bit messy and lairy and they said there's nothing he could do because he's their brother (with sticky out tongues and waggy fingers) nephew then said well I'm your brother too...(I think the twins also said he wasn't their brother) and DS said no you're our cousin. DN said BIL and SIL had told him they were brothers. DS disagreed and DN ran down the stairs at that point.

And I still can't believe the fall out from this 🙈

Anyway, there are concepts beyond genetics such as 'the brotherhood of man' and 'family'. Possibly harder to explain than genetics.

Barry that's just plain sexism, possibly rooted in the way women tended to move to live with their husbands rather than vice versa.

The cousins are close because they see each other a lot, lovely. I think you just don't respond to the text OP. It's possible that your DS is "pulling rank" a bit, especially with lacking a twin and wanting to reinforce that being a brother is important. However you've reminded him to be kind, and that's enough.

Crossposted. Oh dear. I might find it difficult to sit on my hands with SIL.

I have sympathy with the cousin as an only child myself. My cousins were like weekend siblings for me. However, we may have said we were 'like sisters' but we wouldn't have said we actually were sisters because we aren't It's perfectly simple, even for a small child.

SIL is being weird but be nice to the kid.

If the child is claiming he is their actual brother, rather than saying he feels as close to them as a brother, there is nothing wrong with your son pointing out that this is factually incorrect. If your BIL and SIL are actually telling him this then this is whole other level of bat shit crazy and needs to be stomped on, now. This child is going to end up feeling very hurt and confused if his parents are going to make up bonds for him that other people do not feel or agree to,

I've told DS to be kind and thoughtful when he's with DN.

However, I've got three kids. Two of whom are as identical as can be, both with a penchant for mischief and tomfoolery. I've got a full time job and a house to run and I don't have time for SIL texting because they're telling DN. things that aren't true. They're as close as theu want to be. They see each other often and we don't force relationships with the boys and up until now it's been fine.

I can't tell my eldest DS to pretend to be something he doesn't want to be. When I asked him about it earlier he said "but we're not brothers, we're cousins!" Again I've just told him to be kind and mindful that perhaps DN wishes he had a brother

His mum's probably just being defensive/protective because her son is upset, I suppose. I would just explain to her that your DS never meant to offend him and was just talking factually about family relationships.

I would explain to my DS why his cousin was upset about it (which it sounds like you already did).

End of story.

User get it through your head your talking out of your backside!
Sil and bil lied to their ds and told him that his cousin's were his brothers. They are not! If sil and dn don't like the truth tuff what ops ds said isn't bullying. Honestly I can't believe you really think what you're saying is reasonable

YANBU

you are teaching your son to be kind/caring/empathetic, and not telling him he has to lie to keep others happy

your SIL is attempting to push that others in life should lie to keep her son happy - not a good lesson imo

she may be feeling guilty that her lie has caused her son upset now that it has come out

Much ado about nothing...

This is all getting a bit deep!

The starting point was that older brother and his twins were having a bit of a set to, and their relationship as brothers came into it. The cousin says 'I'm your brother too' (or words very much like it). The TEN YEAR OLD replied factually that he is their cousin.

To expect a ten year old, who however sensitive still has a great deal of emotional development to come, told something which was factually incorrect, to cast round in his mind what the underlying emotional meaning and significance was and therefore to offer the socially adept response, is bonkers.

If the BiL and SiL have said to their DS that his cousins are his brothers, then this is their problem. OP I think you've done well in the circumstances, but you do sound like you're getting riled by the SiL and by some of the posts on here. Try to distance yourself a bit, and then surely the thing to do is talk to them face to face and ask them not to tell DN again that his cousins are his brothers.

This all reminds me of a time my tiny niece came visiting from abroad and on her second day over to our house asked 'Is the like-a-daddy person here?'. She was referring to DP who is not dd's father. She was about 3 or 4. I can only assume that that is how my brother had explained the relationship to her lol.

barrygetamoveonplease

I think it is because genetically the male line travels directly down families through the Y chromosome.

Y chromosome

You are more closely genetically related to cousins on your fathers side therefore should not marry etc due to effects of consanguinity.

consanguinity

Interesting and thought provoking.

Sounds like you're handling it well. Telling your ds he was correct but just to be aware of dn's sensitivities is the best way to go. Although, at age 9, he should be able to tell the difference between cousins and brothers!

Your sil sounds a bit nuts. Is she one of those parents who think their child can do no wrong and it's always someone else at fault?

You are more closely genetically related to cousins on your fathers side therefore should not marry etc due to effects of consanguinity.

What rot

Hmm. Is it your husband's brother's son? He might be considered your sons' cousin-brother (as close as a brother)

His what?

Its very simple really, its term used in India and Sri Lanka for eg to describe the close relationship between two people who are cousins but like brothers. So two young lads born to two siblings would be cousin brothers. You also get cousin sisters.

That's not what Barry is saying Rhubarb

I actually feel sorry for the little lad.

One of my ds1's friends is an only child. His mum has always made a big thing of how close he is with his boy cousins which is lovely. She I think feels sad for him that he will never have a brother. So anytime he is sad about not having a brother she will remind him how great it is to have cousins. I imagine something similar has gone on here with SIL. I think it's lovely the little boy thought of your boys in this way and pretty sad that you and your elder DS were so very factual (and potentially seemed cold) about it all. My DH is a bit like this. I'll say "I'll love you forever!" and he'll say "no you won't. You'll love me till you die. But you won't love me forever because you won't live forever" and it's like, oh, thanks, you miserable bugger. (This is just an example BTW.) I don't think ywbu to react the way you did but I can 100% see why SIL is hurt by this and i don't think she was bu to expect a bit more kindness in your response.

theymade

No she's generally ok! We're not all that close and I'm starting to like it that way

Wait what if one brother has a son and the other brother has a daughter....cousin brother sister?