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AIBU?

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Original poster

When they're not actually brothers!

263 replies

3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 28/06/2017 22:40

I have three children

DS is 10 and twin DS are 7. My BIL and SIL have a son who is 9. From when he was born they've always been very set that he would be their only child. Fair enough not my business.

Anyway my boys are very close and get on well with each other. twins are identical and very close and older DS is a good big brother to them.

They get on well with their cousin and see him once a week (perhaps every two weeks) at my MIL. He's a lovely boy too and they get on well.

Anyway, last week they were upstairs playing and nephew came downstairs very upset saying my oldest DS had been mean to him. I asked DS to come downstairs to explain what was going on. DS came downstairs and explained that my nephew (his cousin) had said to him that he's just as close to him as the twins and they're brothers too. I think DS was maybe a bit blunt and said that cousins weren't as closely related as siblings. Nephew said that my BIL and SIL had told him they were as close. I quietly said to DS that he shouldn't hurt nephews feelings and that he wants to be as close as my DS is to his twins brothers, it wasn't harming anyone and it's lovely that he feels close to them.

Anyway, that was that I thought. But no, i had a text from my SIL who said she thinks my DS is incredibly mean and rude for telling nephew that he is not as close to them. I don't even know what to reply to her. It's just bonkers! They're not brothers!

I feel like I've been dragged into a strange argument that biology and genetics would set straight! Aibu to just tell her to piss off?

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 29/06/2017 14:08

I'd point out to SIL that families (and often siblings) upset and challenge each other all the time.
But then I'm tired of the bickering/occasional warfare that goes on in my house!

manechanger · 29/06/2017 14:08

I think I would have stopped communicating via text after her first one - probably better doing face to face (you are definitely right to step out of it now). However I also think she is going to struggle to help her child cope with upset if that is the way she responds to something mild and ambiguous as this. It's a shame.

Perhaps give ds a lesson about how we know the truth but sometimes lying is simpler than telling the truth (he sounds mature enough to understand)!!! then go for a lie down Wine

Getoutofthatgarden · 29/06/2017 14:08

She replied with "well don't let DS upset him like that again"

I would have to respond to this ^

"Please teach your son about family genetics"

user1496484020 · 29/06/2017 14:09

Well, since I'm the nasty wicked witch..... Lord above!

Put yourself in the nine year old's shoes. He's having a good time with his cousins, puts his arm around his big cousin and says whatever nine year olds say along the lines of 'we're as close as brothers man'.

10 year old then corrects him and goes 'Eh, no mate, me and my BROTHERS here are close, you're just a cousin'.

That's bullying and excluding the poor lad.

I'm glad that the 10 year old is so enlightened etc. but it really was unnecessarily cruel and exclusionary.

Genetics doesn't come into this. Manners and emotional intelligence do.

manechanger · 29/06/2017 14:15

but user, you are putting a slant on it. None of the adults witnessed it. Better for the kids to work this one out than for any of the adults to get involved at all. Now grown adults are being dragged into an argument between ten year olds. This happens with parents going into school all the time. Both SILs will probably resent each other for years when the kids will have forgotten about it next time they see each other.

'dont let him upset him like that again' is really confrontational and assumes all interactions are witnessed & controlled by the adult. that's not the case at home, nor at school.

museumum · 29/06/2017 14:15

I'm with the minority who says "close" usually means emotions and feelings not actual DNA.
I feel sorry for the nephew. If I were you I'd have focussed with my son on the emotional intelligence of seeing how the cousin could feel not facts about genetics.

sureitsgrand · 29/06/2017 14:16

It's funny isn't it how strange people can be. My sil keeps saying our two boys are like brothers and they look alike. I'm currently pregnant again, while sil has made it very clear she doesn't want any more.
DH family (sil and pil) have all expressed concern about dn's reaction when the baby is born and ds will have a sibling then. They are hoping dn won't feel left out.
I get what they are saying, but it does seem a bit strange as again, they are only cousins, not brothers!!

Lweji · 29/06/2017 14:17

But someone they see occasionally will hardly be closer than siblings who live together and get along well.

The boy may not understand it, but it will probably save him some heartache to start realising it.

barrygetamoveonplease · 29/06/2017 14:17

His what?
Cousin-brother.
In some Asian communities the children of your father's siblings are your cousin-brothers and cousin-sisters. They are considered to be close relatives. You don't marry them. The children of your mother's siblings are your cousins, they are not so closely related, you can marry them.
This was explained to me by my pupils who were mainly from British-Pakistani background. I have met many people of Asian background who have never heard of it, but I have also read of it in articles and books.

user1496484020 · 29/06/2017 14:20

"nephew came downstairs very upset saying my oldest DS had been mean to him"

I'm not putting a slant on it. I'm reading what has been written.

"I think DS was maybe a bit blunt and said that cousins weren't as closely related as siblings".

Yes, because he said exactly that.

Lweji · 29/06/2017 14:22

That's perfectly normal for a 10 year old.
No, they are not brothers, they are cousins.

However, from the OP
I quietly said to DS that he shouldn't hurt nephews feelings and that he wants to be as close as my DS is to his twins brothers, it wasn't harming anyone and it's lovely that he feels close to them.

So, why are you attacking the OP?

Floggingmolly · 29/06/2017 14:23

Your SIL is certainly reacting very, very strangely... But then again; why are you so determined to push the poor little bugger out? He knows full well they're not genetically brothers, but he probably feels a bit jealous of your sons being a little unit and wanted to feel he fitted in (somewhere).
Feeling as close as a brother to someone else doesn't imply any confusion as to how families are formed Confused
You do seem so determined to make sure he knows he's "wrong". Why?

LandofTute · 29/06/2017 14:26

NancyDonahue
Dear Bonkers SIL. They are cousins, not brothers. Good day to you'
Grin I love "Good day to you" Grin

user1496484020 · 29/06/2017 14:28

Whatever was said, it wasn't delivered as a biology lesson. The 9 year old ended up upset enough to go to his Mum. My dd would have probably taken the suckerpunch and internalised it. It all just seems unnecessary.

SerfTerf · 29/06/2017 14:29

TBH @barrygetamoveonplease that sounds like a rather misogynistic load of old nonsense codifying the supremacy of patrilineal relationships.

Original poster
3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 29/06/2017 14:29

user

Are you my SIL?

The kids are close but they're not as close to each other as my own boys are. As you'll be able to read in my previous posts I had a word with DS about not upsetting nephew when he wanted to feel close to them but I cannot argue genetics - my nephew is not their brother and I can't force DS to play along anymore than I could force my twins to have the same bond with oldest DS that they have with each other

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 29/06/2017 14:30

I think the onus is on the SIL to manage this not the op. Cousins can be a special relationship - it should lack the angst that some sibling relationships have for one thing. And there are masses of reasons to celebrate being the one child in a household. This is what the SIL should focus on.

FWIW everyone wants what they don't have - I have a DS and a DD, they'd both prefer to have a sibling of their own sex. I tell them they'd get an awful shock if they suddenly had to share things that they currently have to themselves (toys, bedrooms etc).

manechanger · 29/06/2017 14:31

user. I meant by the whole 'hey man we're as close as brothers'. thinking of my children's pedantic arguments it could just as easily have been 'we are brothers' petulant stomp and a punch. As neither you nor any other adult was in the room no one knows how it played out in terms of tone.

There was a study recently about bullying and having siblings. One of the findings was that children with siblings tend to deal with being bullied better than only children because they are used to negotiating with other children (who are more unreasonable than adults). i'm saying that SIL getting involved with this argument is actually undermining the benefits her only child is getting from having these 'cousin-brothers' and a close-ish relationship with them. She should be giving him advice and tools to deal with upset, not wading in by text.

user1496484020 · 29/06/2017 14:32

Thankfully no, I'm not your SIL as there are no boys in my extended family.

So Op, how did you feel about how your nephew felt?

Original poster
3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 29/06/2017 14:35

Obviously I don't want his feelings hurt or I wouldn't have had a conversation with DS but carrying on the pretence that they're brothers when my own son doesn't want to is not something I'll indulge in.

OP posts:
caitlinohara · 29/06/2017 14:36

I do get the other side of this. When I was little I had a good friend who was an only child who also had no cousins and she would always call my mum and dad "Auntie - " and "Uncle -". No one felt the need to correct her. Similarly, my SIL and BIL have an only child and they like our kids to call her "Cousin -" rather than just her name on its own, presumably to reinforce the family bond.

I don't think your son was being 'mean' though, he was probably just understandably confused.

purplecollar · 29/06/2017 14:36

I think it's just a sensitive thing with some only dc. There are times where they feel different - as though they've missed out in some way by not having a sibling. It's not something your ds feels sensitive about because he has siblings. So yes your ds is stating the truth/fact/genetics and he will be closer to his brothers, but it's probably kinder not to make an issue of it, or point it out, to the cousin.

There are plenty of truths that are best left unsaid.

GherkinSnatch · 29/06/2017 14:38

Yes, because he said exactly that.

Yes, because he's right.

I might go along to my PIL's house and start calling my SILs my sisters, and claim I'm being bullied if they point out I'm their DB's wife rather than their actual sister.

Floggingmolly · 29/06/2017 14:40

Carrying on the pretence... is not something I'll indulge in
Dear God. How old are you, op? 12? You don't sound particularly nice empathic. How much "pretence" do you feel you'll be called on to enact?? It'll very probably never be mentioned again.

Original poster
3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 29/06/2017 14:43

flogging

I'm also not the one who carried this on by text.

I've told DS not to hurt his cousin's feelings but I'm not about to start policing him and how he feels. If he doesn't feel as close as brothers or want to be then am I meant to force him?

OP posts: