MIL visiting

[picklepuds]

Sorry this is a MIL thread, I'll try to keep it brief.

MIL asked to visit us, she lives at other end of country. I asked when she would like to come and then rearranged something we had planned that Sunday to accommodate her and said something along the lines of we are free from Saturday onwards but are working/busy on the Friday.

She replied not to worry if we were busy Friday she would entertain herself if she came that day. I replied with the fact that we were both not available on the Friday and that Saturday would be better for her to visit, she replied OK.

About a week later DH says MIL has text him to say when can she visit. I say from Saturday as I'd previously told her. DH says MIL not happy with this wants to come Thursday until Tuesday! I say no as neither of us free Friday and dear god why on earth does she want to come for five nights? Surely a weekend visit is no more than three nights?

I'm pissed off that she effectively ignored me and went to DH to try and get her way so I say absolutely no way to her suggestion. Now DH is all huffy with me and MIL has decided she won't be visiting as three nights isn't long enough and DH has invited her to come on his week off which we had planned to spend doing things together and with DS!

AIBU to say she can't come for the full week so that we can have some time together?

Is DH BU for inviting her without consulting me first?

Oh no this is not on. Three nights was plenty. Taking away the few days you had planned as a family isn't on.

I think I would plan a day or two on my own away from them during your week off (into the city or meet friends or something) and tell dh in no uncertain terms it isn't to happen again.

If he wants his mother over for his week off then that's his right.

He can do the extra catering, cleaning, shopping and washing that a week of an extra adult will generate though.

The whole week isn't on at all!!! Surely she is a reasonable women.

In hindsight it would have been better to have let her come on the friday and 'entertained herself' while you were both out.

I'd be pee'd off too OP. Not a lot you can do though now. Without causing massive waves anyway.

Erm...I think you and your DH need a chat. I think inviting her without seeing if it was ok is unfair and I wouldn't want my mother or mother in law ruining my week off.

But I do think you were being a bit tight about not 'letting' her visit a bit longer when she originally wanted to come. Train fares etc are expensive and travel is tiring when you get older. I guess it depends how often she visits.

Presumably he wants to see his mum because he loves her, enjoyed her company and wants his son to have a good time with her.

The reason I put foot down about the Friday was that it's my first night out with my friends since I had DS and DH is at his hobby on Fridays until 9pm so we would literally not be there the full day.

I do think also that if it were that important to DH to have his mum here he could have cancelled his hobby on Friday but he didn't ever offer to do that surprisingly!

I would have been happy for her to stay longer into the following week if it were that important but I didn't want to give up my night out.

I think she is being unreasonable to now want to come for an entire week. However, I can also see her original point of view for wanting to come for five nights. I live at the opposite end of country to my PILs and it's tiring doing all that travelling and it feels hardly worth it for a short trip. Could you compromise and suggest she travels down Friday, arriving in the evening, and then returns Tuesday? Making it 4 nights?

Does she see it as only DH's home?!

He can do the extra catering, cleaning, shopping and washing that a week of an extra adult will generate though.

I agree with this. Does he do this when MUL visits?

I agree that he should have ditched his hobby and you should have gone out with friends as planned.
If it goes ahead I would cancel a couple of your days leave and take them at a different time. They can then have some mother son time

Tell dh that's fine..... then book a weeks holiday in Maui

Haha Maui sounds amazing right now!

I don't think you should have given up your night out OP. It would have made a good point if she's have come and really had to entertain herself as she herself suggested.

Can you do what pp suggested and go with the friday to tuesday arrangement? Still go on your mates night out.

He does his bit when we have visitors but as I'm on mat leave I'm shouldering more than my fair share of the housework ATM i.e. All of the bloody housework! I don't mind if she visits longer just prefer it to be at a time that suits us all.

I'd have let her come on the Friday seeing as she was so determined. However, I would have still gone out with my friends that night and let DH decide if he was going to forgo his hobby to entertain his mother or not.

OP, I hope you won't be shouldering any of the work related to MIL's stay wheb she visits for the week?

She arranges it with your husband so he cook/clean/entertain.

Don't be their mug!

If she was coming from the other end of the country, the journey could be tiring hence why she wanted to stay more than 3 nights. She is his mother so your plans shouldn't have to change.

I'm not sure why you made such a drama. Maybe it's just people I know but for a long trip Thursday to Tuesday is normal, at least because travel expenses are so much less those days. We are a flight away from our family though.

Do you doubt her ability to entertain herself? Why would you have to cancel? When my MIL says she will entertain herself she means it, and I never give up my plans to entertain her.

The main problem is really that she shouldn't have gone to you in the first place. Why do MiLS go through DILs for this sort of thing? They should talk to their own children! Sexism doesn't work out eh? Anyway, she should have told him what she wanted, he should have discussed it with you, reported the decision back to her. I suggest for all future discussions you refer her to her own child, then you can't be the bad guy.

It's his mother and yet how unwelcome must she be feeling. I'm not that keen on my own mother in law but would never limit the time she could visit as they too live at a distance and visits are relatively infrequent. If she wanted to stay once a week every month, fair enough but it doesn't sound like that is the case. She's bothering to travel from the other end of the country and neither of you can be bothered to show a decent welcome. Sounds quite selfish to me, to be honest.

When you get older driving on a Friday or sun/ mon is busier, so thurs/ tues is less daunting. Also train/bus fares tend to be cheaper away from the weekend. Can you have another talk about it and go back to original plan with DH staying in on Friday and doing agreed prep like shopping or cleaning/ making the room up?

It's because I want to show her to be welcome that I wouldn't want her to come on a day neither of us are there!

I wouldn't have rearranged my night out if she had come as I've waited seven months while I've been bfing DS before having a drink with my friends and yes I'm bloody well going to enjoy it.

How often does she visit? If it's every month, YANBU. However, if it's only a small handful of times a year I'd just suck it up. She said she doesn't need entertaining, can't you just leave her to her own devices on the Friday?

Agree that Thursday to Tuesday is perfectly reasonable as a starting point for DM/MIL visits if she lives far away. Also agree that DH should offer, or be persuaded to understand that he really has to offer, to cancel his hobby on the Friday night. Not in agreement that 'I do more of the hosting when it's my family and you do most of the hosting work when it's your family'. You are one big family; everyone should pitch in. That needs resolving as a whole. It sounds as if DH does less than he should in general.

I have the EXACT same thing - I call it the Thursday to Tuesday weekend of the retired.

The fact is that PIL say that they will "entertain themselves" and if this were actually the case it would be totally fine. But it isn't. On the Friday, they will "entertain themselves" by talking incessantly, demanding cups of tea, etc while I try to work (from home), then ask to go to the pub at 5 and then out to a restaurant. Last time, they were leaving on the Monday morning before work and they didn't get going until midday. I was going spare because I had work and a deadline. They don't lift a finger to help while here, and do nothing but boss and undermine, so it's a massive load of extra work every time and totally psychologically unpleasant.

A house guest who behaved differently and actually helped out would be a godsend and very welcome to stay longer. You reap what you sow, basically.