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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL visiting

106 replies

picklepuds · 27/06/2017 09:39

Sorry this is a MIL thread, I'll try to keep it brief.

MIL asked to visit us, she lives at other end of country. I asked when she would like to come and then rearranged something we had planned that Sunday to accommodate her and said something along the lines of we are free from Saturday onwards but are working/busy on the Friday.

She replied not to worry if we were busy Friday she would entertain herself if she came that day. I replied with the fact that we were both not available on the Friday and that Saturday would be better for her to visit, she replied OK.

About a week later DH says MIL has text him to say when can she visit. I say from Saturday as I'd previously told her. DH says MIL not happy with this wants to come Thursday until Tuesday! I say no as neither of us free Friday and dear god why on earth does she want to come for five nights? Surely a weekend visit is no more than three nights?

I'm pissed off that she effectively ignored me and went to DH to try and get her way so I say absolutely no way to her suggestion. Now DH is all huffy with me and MIL has decided she won't be visiting as three nights isn't long enough and DH has invited her to come on his week off which we had planned to spend doing things together and with DS!

AIBU to say she can't come for the full week so that we can have some time together?

Is DH BU for inviting her without consulting me first?

OP posts:
echt · 27/06/2017 11:18

waits for Navyandwhite to pile in

Not on. Reported.

Chloe84 · 27/06/2017 11:19

What have you decided to do, OP?

It sounds like sh tried to go through you first and when she didn't get the answer she wants, she went to the 'boss'.

lanouvelleheloise · 27/06/2017 11:21

picklepuds - DH and I would ALWAYS, ALWAYS without exception run a visit of anyone - family or friend - by the other. It's basic courtesy to ask the person whose house and life you share whether they are comfortable with it being that weekend.

We are both very clear with other people that we will need to check whether it's a convenient time for the other before confirming a visit. Sometimes work commitments or events can really make one weekend much better than another.

Have a look at the Maushart book WifeWork. I think it might be useful.

BarbarianMum · 27/06/2017 11:23

Honestly, OP what's your problem? She wants to come for a bit longer (don't blame her as she's got a lot of travelling). Your dh is hapy with this. She says she's HAPPY to entertain herself on Friday. Why won't you believe her? Why would you cancel your own night out?

And YY to your dh helping to prepare for her visit - but because that;s what should happen any time you have visitors, not because she's dared cross you!

And wtf is this about her "going behind your back/" Can she not talk to her own son without your permission? Is he not allowed to invite his own mum to stay?

Crispbutty · 27/06/2017 11:23

I would let her babysit and carry on doing what you planned.

ArchieStar · 27/06/2017 11:24

Why does her coming on the Friday mean you have to cancel your night out? She said she's happy to entertain herself Confused

user1498550798 · 27/06/2017 11:31

If your DH wants to see his mum for longer then that is reasonable, she is his family just like you are. I agree that he should check timings of visits with you, but if someone thought it was so outrageous for my family to come and stay for a week I would probably reassess the relationship.

MynameisJune · 27/06/2017 11:31

Did you ask your DH how the conversation went? Did she say to him 'oh I'm coming on Thursday even though Pickle said you're busy' or did she say 'I'm coming on Saturday, I was going to come Thursday but Pickle said you're busy but that's okay' and then DH invited her come on Thursday anyway or said 'well come when I'm off then so you can stay longer'? Speaking to her son isn't going behind your back really is it. She was going to tell him what was said/agreed. He is her son.

If your DH doesn't help around the house then that isn't your MILs fault and isn't really a reason to say no. You need to have a discussion with him and tell him you expect him to help.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/06/2017 11:35

This is exactly why I don't want to have sons. Maybe it's a cultural thing here but when a man gets married he basically revokes his membership to his birth family. Rather bizarre but there you go.

Original poster
picklepuds · 27/06/2017 11:36

Thanks lanouvelle I didn't think it was U to expect to be at least considered in the making of plans that affect me.

I've never said I would cancel my plans in fact if you read the thread I specifically said i would not be cancelling which is why it's not really convenient for visiting on a day neither of us will be there!

OP posts:
Senac32 · 27/06/2017 11:36

As MIL to 4 families I've learned to tread very carefully when it comes to arranging visits, it has taken many years. The most recent was with one daughter and her partner, who had only recently moved in. It didn't go very well, to say the least. So I realise with them I have to let them get on with their relationship without me being there apart from a brief visit.
It's a minefield.
I belong to Gransnet and this problem crops up now and again - many of them now stay somewhere nearby for B&B.

NannyRed · 27/06/2017 11:38

You say yourself that mil lives at the other end of the country, that's a heck of a long journey just for a Saturday Sunday visit. I'm guessing as she is so far away you don't see her too often, just put up with a few days of inconvenience, one day she will no longer be with you and you wand hubby will be able to recall happy memories of her visits.

BarbarianMum · 27/06/2017 11:39

But why does it affect you if you're not there? I genuinely don't understand why that would make it inconvenient. Is she likely to mess up the kitchen or throw a party or something?

Senac32 · 27/06/2017 11:41

ps to picklepuds - it's helpful to me to see your side of it too, I hope you manage to arrange a compromise without falling out with mil or husband.
Flowers, or maybe Wine

Original poster
picklepuds · 27/06/2017 11:46

Thanks senac was just about to say glad to hear a MILs opinion. It can be a minefield when two families join up. It's never been an issue before but I've just gotten really defensive over my time I suppose as having a DC takes away a lot of it!

I really don't want to cause an issue with my MIL or my DH but equally I don't wish to be a doormat.

For those asking what I will do, I think accept I'm BU and try to resurrect the planned weekend with the exception that DH be here to greet MIL and make her tea etc and continue with my plans to enjoy myself for a change

OP posts:
AngelaTwerkel · 27/06/2017 11:46

I'm usually quite sensitive to MIL problems (I have a difficult MIL) but in this case I think you're being really unreasonable.

She knows you won't be there on the Friday and still wants to come. So if she has a problem with that it's on her.

How often does she come to stay?

Original poster
picklepuds · 27/06/2017 11:48

We alternate visits usually although this has changed since DS was born. We tend to see each other once a month visits have usually been fri to Sunday occasionally longer over Christmas and Easter

OP posts:
AngelaTwerkel · 27/06/2017 11:51

OK, five days once a month is a lot! I would try and push it to every six weeks, if five days once a month is going to be the standard from now on.

You should've said that in your OP, you might have received different responses.

WomblingThree · 27/06/2017 11:52

See I think that is where I and other PPs are coming at it differently. If DH and I were out when someone arrived, I'd expect them to put the kettle on and make themselves a cuppa. I might leave some dinner ready to heat up, or some sandwiches; but if parents or in laws had been told we were out and still wanted to come, I'd expect them to fettle for themselves. There wouldn't be a welcome committee, and nor would they expect one.

ShesNoNormanPace · 27/06/2017 11:53

I have this with my MIL. She won't let us stay at hers so we have to do a day trip. She won't stay at ours for less than a week because it's so tiring (even with a lift there and back). She doesn't help with the kids or house or want to do anything we want/have to do. If I say wouldn't be great if she came for X week to see all the Sports days/drama production, she'll say she'll come for Y week when I've already said we've got friends staying. I figure she just likes the idea of staying more than the reality.

WomblingThree · 27/06/2017 11:54

Oh ok. Yep, you definitely should have mentioned that in your OP. My parents come for five days about every 6 months, so that's how I was looking at it. Once a month makes a huge difference, and is quite a significant dripfeed!

Original poster
picklepuds · 27/06/2017 11:56

Wombling I'd never really considered that I'd just always felt like I or at least someone should be here to greet her and make her food but perhaps that's just my way and MIL doesn't mind either way.

Glad I posted as I was pretty annoyed earlier and now having read others opinions I feel like I can see a way to rectify the situation so thanks MN

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 27/06/2017 11:56

I think YAB a bit U here tbh.

I don't understand all the comments about her 'going behind your back' either. What's that about? Either you and her were going behind your DH's back in the first place, in which case pot kettle, or she views you as a team and so it doesn't matter which she speaks to. It's not her fault there seems to be a communication issue with you and DH.

When you first discussed his mum visiting, did you point out to him your max stay is 3 nights because of the work involved in having her? Or did he get the impression it was just that specific weekend that was the problem?

If he's not pulling his weight in the house, and won't when his mum stays, that's a relationship issue between the two of you that really needs sorting before it leads to resentment. Don't fall into the trap of resenting MIL for wanting to stay, there's a bigger issue here that is nothing to do with her.

BarbarianMum · 27/06/2017 11:58

Same as above. 5 days each month is a lot, I was thinking maybe 3/4 times a year. Maybe move to quarterly visits?

Mix56 · 27/06/2017 11:58

I agree, running things past seems to be decent behaviour...
re her dates, is it anything to do with the cost ?
i.e. it will be a lot more expensive on a friday & monday

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