MIL visiting

[picklepuds]

Sorry this is a MIL thread, I'll try to keep it brief.

MIL asked to visit us, she lives at other end of country. I asked when she would like to come and then rearranged something we had planned that Sunday to accommodate her and said something along the lines of we are free from Saturday onwards but are working/busy on the Friday.

She replied not to worry if we were busy Friday she would entertain herself if she came that day. I replied with the fact that we were both not available on the Friday and that Saturday would be better for her to visit, she replied OK.

About a week later DH says MIL has text him to say when can she visit. I say from Saturday as I'd previously told her. DH says MIL not happy with this wants to come Thursday until Tuesday! I say no as neither of us free Friday and dear god why on earth does she want to come for five nights? Surely a weekend visit is no more than three nights?

I'm pissed off that she effectively ignored me and went to DH to try and get her way so I say absolutely no way to her suggestion. Now DH is all huffy with me and MIL has decided she won't be visiting as three nights isn't long enough and DH has invited her to come on his week off which we had planned to spend doing things together and with DS!

AIBU to say she can't come for the full week so that we can have some time together?

Is DH BU for inviting her without consulting me first?

Sorry didn't mean to drip feed it's just what's normal for us, but thinking about it perhaps we need to reassess what's normal now we have the LO. I think before he came along I was more easy going over plans and who arranged them etc and this time I do appear to have made a drama out of it perhaps as a result of how much my life has now changed.

Basically I think many aren't reading the thread, because what's emerging here is a very different picture:

• Your MIL visits VERY regularly, a weekend each month. It's usually Friday to Sunday.
• You don't get much downtime, but have arranged something very special this Friday - for the first time in 7 months!- which you don't want to cancel. You've tried to rearrange a visit accordingly, your MIL has thrown a sulk about this and tried to manipulate your DH to make you cave. Unfortunately, this is actually working. This suggests a certain insensitivity/lack of understanding of your needs on her behalf, and a certain selfishness about getting her own way, whatever the weather.
• In the context of the above, your DH won't even consider giving up his own hobby on Friday evening to see his own mother.
• You're doing 100% of the housework. (This is a huge separate issue). You know from experience that the effort of this visit will fall pretty much entirely on your shoulders. Doesn't sound like MIL helps out much either.

I think that's quite a harsh interpretation lanouvelle. There is no indication that MiL is "sulking", she has said she's happy to entertain herself and a lot of us would take her at her word (no one is saying the OP should cancel her night out).

It is emerging that OP is (or has been) in a mindset that meant she subjugates her needs for those of others, and her dh is happy to let this happen but hopefully this thread has shown her that it doesn't have to be this way. We can certainly hope that OP will use this opportunity to show her dh that the person who agrees to guests takes the lead in preparing for and hosting them, with appropriate support from their other half. And that guests who say they are happy to entertain themselves are taken at their word.

OP invite your DM or a friend to stay at the same time. Then I think DH will see the value of decision making together.

The way she's gone about it is wrong, though. If you ask someone about the length of a visit and they say Friday is inconvenient, you do NOT then go to their partner and try to wheedle them around, causing an awkward situation between the couple. It's manipulative and wrong, as well as downright rude.

She spoke to her son, who then didn't talk to the OP in the same way she didn't consult him when the subject first arose. Any awkward situation between them is their own making. Why are you so keen to have her the villain? Wheedling, manipulating? Maybe you are projecting your own issues?

Sorry, I don't think that's right. If you look at the OP, there are two conversations:

1. MIL speaks to OP. They negotiate the dates, OP explains the situation and they agree a visit that doesn't include the Friday.

1. MIL subsequently speaks to her son, and tries to get this changed to get her own way, despite having heard the reasons for it being the USUAL 3-day visit.

The visit is then cancelled and rearranged by the DH for a time - without even consulting the OP!

I am sort of reading similar stuff to Lanouvelle:
OP is currently on mat leave
MIL visits or is visited very regularly - one weekend a month, usually Fri-Sun
OP was asked about a visit weekend A: Sunday plans were cancelled/rearranged but MIL asked not to come until Sat due to other Fri plans which were not being cancelled
FRI plans included DH doing his hobby (cancellable in theory but DH won't) and OP going on her 1st night out since DS born (7mths) and (recently?) finishing Bfing so can now have a drink with friends
OP doesn't get much downtime as she is home and covers childcare, housework etc while DH works (balance to be re-addressed on OP's return to work I presume?!)
MIL sulked when asked to not come until Sat, demanded 5 day visit instead of normal 3 day visit
MIL then went behind OP back and rearranged visit to the week DH is off work, when plans were for family outings and relaxed time together - to which DH agreed without consulting OP

I can see how DH may have done it without thinking
Or deliberately
You won't know until you talk to him

I would try and get DH to see that you ARE going out on Friday but that if he wants MIL to visit, she is very welcome to do so - he can stay home from his hobby or MIL can be the babysitter.

There are to be no comments about the hour you come home at or the state of enjoyment you are in - it's your night out. He presumably has had a few since DS was born?
And MIL is not to make any comment either.

If MIL persists in coming on the "family holiday" (which is effectively what DH's week off seems to be), then she must fit in with your plans and MUST go before the end of the week so that you can have a few days just the 3 of you to enjoy.

I hope your DH can get on the same page as you OP.

I don't think your BU at all, it's up to you who you want in your house and when. However could having MIL there on the Friday actually help if she can babysit while hubby is at hobby and your having a well deserved night on the lash?

See what I'm reading is:

-MIL is used to visits of this length.
-MIL given impression a specific Friday not ideal.
-MIL speaks to son, says oh I know Friday X day is off the table, that's fine you all go and have fun. So I was thinking maybe rearrange altogether so I can come for the usual amount of time? Thoughts?
-DH says oh actually I'm off work Y week, come down, we can spend some proper time together with your grandson as well, not just a rushed weekend
-MIL says oh how lovely

How is any of that wheedling or manipulative?

There is clearly a DH problem here not disputing that. Not seeing his week off as a special week for his little family to all spend time together. Not seeing his week off as a chance to give OP a break from the relentlessness of mat leave. Not doing more chores, particularly when his family visits. Agreeing a visit without saying hmm I'll chat to DW and come back to you with dates we can do.

Lots of DH problems. Can't see the MIL problem.

Yanbu.

It is manipulative behaviour to try to get her way. When someone says 'no not convenient' who would then go to the husband? Very rude.

Also, I wouldn't want anyone, MIL or otherwise, sitting in my house when I'm not there.

But she didn't go to the husband and insist the day she'd been told not convenient.

She spoke to her own son and said spoke to pickle, understand X day not convenient, when can I come instead?

What's wrong with that? I can see myself doing the exact same thing as a MIL one day

I think lanouvelles interpretation was spot on tbh.

Batteries - again, I refer you to the original post. She didn't try to choose a different day. She tried to come on the day that was inconvenient AND stay for even longer!

It was actually the OP who wanted to extend the visit into the next week to 'make up' for the missing day.

She talked directly to her son about something domestic Batteries. Rather than to the OP. According to some on here (although not the OP to be fair) this is wrong. The house and her son are now run by the OP, and through the OP and any attempt to treat them as equal in the domestic sphere is manipulative.

Barbarian you seem very invested in this thread.

Batteries, as I think the saying goes - a perfect example right there of a MIL that can't do right for doing wrong. Unless, of course, you know different?

No, no-one is saying that it was wrong of the mother to talk to her son.

What was wrong was the MIL's reaction to a reasonable request that the usual plans be changed. Instead of accepting an accommodation this once with grace, she decided to back out of what was agreed with the OP, and create a dispute, putting her son in the middle of this. This is NOT good behaviour - from an acquaintance, a friend, or a family member. It's rude, dismissive of other people's commitments, and manipulative.

Personally, if my MIL pulled that shit, she wouldn't be visiting for a couple of months.

Not acceptable. As a couple these things need to be discussed and agreed on before any final decision is made.
Yeah so 3 nights isn't long if she's travelling a very long way but she still needs yo book her visit when it suits you. And yes your dh is BVU to waste a full weeks holiday off work to entertain his dm when you had family plans!

A week is fine if it's just every 6 months or so. You don't want visitors 1 week in 4 or to be visiting that much though or you have no relaxation time.
It's less frequent visits or shorter visits.
Agree this should be a joint decision, although I've just arranged for my dad to come up for a weekend and told my husband about it. I don't expect him to take time off work or do extra catering type stuff though and the kids are older and nearly all left home, plus it's a year since my dad last visited as I've mainly gone down to him. (scotland to S England).

My dad is coming up for a week not a weekend!

she decided to back out of what was agreed with the OP, and create a dispute, putting her son in the middle of this

In the middle? Of course he's in the middle. Surely the very definition of their relationship is that he is in the middle?

And what dispute? She wasn't happy with a short visit so they rearranged it. Presumably to a week of his suggestion because it's more likely he knew what week he had booked off than she did.

I don't know. I think a lot of the time MILs get the rap for DH's being a bit shit. She might be his mum but she's not a mind reader.

It's way too much to be putting up with her for that long every month. You said it didn't suit, she and your husband should have listened. If he misses his mother that much maybe he should consider returning home to live with her.

She asked first if it was ok, you said not then and she ignored you. Odd behaviour.

Hilda- I laughed!!!

I think it's extremely unwise for MILs to conceptualise their relation with their son as placing him in the middle of a power struggle with his wife. Not least because in the vast majority of cases, she is likely to lose a son that way, when she could keep him and gain a daughter. Rather than being so threatened by the presence of another woman that a power struggle is initiated, she could actually treat the pair of them as she would other couples, ie as individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, desires who happen to get along so well that they've decided to hold many of them in common, making constant negotiation and communication with both parties important. It's the same thing when single friends get coupled up!!

Agree that there is a DH problem here too, massively. The housework situation just isn't fair.