MIL visiting

[picklepuds]

Sorry this is a MIL thread, I'll try to keep it brief.

MIL asked to visit us, she lives at other end of country. I asked when she would like to come and then rearranged something we had planned that Sunday to accommodate her and said something along the lines of we are free from Saturday onwards but are working/busy on the Friday.

She replied not to worry if we were busy Friday she would entertain herself if she came that day. I replied with the fact that we were both not available on the Friday and that Saturday would be better for her to visit, she replied OK.

About a week later DH says MIL has text him to say when can she visit. I say from Saturday as I'd previously told her. DH says MIL not happy with this wants to come Thursday until Tuesday! I say no as neither of us free Friday and dear god why on earth does she want to come for five nights? Surely a weekend visit is no more than three nights?

I'm pissed off that she effectively ignored me and went to DH to try and get her way so I say absolutely no way to her suggestion. Now DH is all huffy with me and MIL has decided she won't be visiting as three nights isn't long enough and DH has invited her to come on his week off which we had planned to spend doing things together and with DS!

AIBU to say she can't come for the full week so that we can have some time together?

Is DH BU for inviting her without consulting me first?

Depends on the family you're from. PIL would expect that communication with one counts as communication with both. They wouldn't expect to run visits past both of us seperately.

Just to clarify the original convo between me and MIL was just talking about available dates. DH was aware of everything I had said to MIL.

When MIL text DH her text said I'm free xyz days when can I come. At that point DH told me what she's asking to see what I thought and I said I've already explained that a visit from sat would suit us best.

The next thing I'm told from DH is that sat sun mon not long enough to visit, I reply well happy for visit to be extended further into following week and leave him to arrange it. Now I'm told MIL won't be coming and DH has told her of his week off and she will come then, I don't know at this point how long for.

I'm guessing that three days is too short now we also have DS here, MIL clearly loves him and wants more time with him, all fine. What's thrown me is it does feel to me like MIL didn't like my answer so has looked for one she prefers from DH. I could be wrong on my interpretation of this.

I would still agree DH is problem he is a bit of a people pleaser. Again hope to rectify situation by speaking with DH later and asking him to cancel his Friday plans to be here for MIL arriving. Also want to add that it was DH who suggested what we do with his week off as days out some with baby and some just for us two which I feel is long overdue.

Thanks for all your responses it's really helped me, and it's weirdly nice to have an adult conversation even if it's online

I think you are right picklepuds in that once you've had babies, things change. Before we had kids, we loved parental visits. The dynamic changes for you from being a child to having a child.

You need time and space to settle into your new roles and having people there every month would have exhausted me while I was still on maternity leave. I preferred being the visitor rather than the visited, so I could arrive and leave on my time scale. Once you go back to work, the absolute last thing you will want is visitors for 5 days a month! Nothing to do with it being the inlaws, but more the fact that you will want to do stuff as your little family. It does get easier though.

For everyone else, the OP has said she accepts she was a bit unreasonable. If you can't be arsed to RTFT, then don't pile on her!

Perhaps she can come the weekend before & have the Mon & Tues of the week that your husband is off?

It is annoying though when visits involve staying over & cut into weekends/holidays.

We are abroad & my husband would never promise his parents that he would take time off for the whole of any visit that they did.

So they have never visited

Can you not call MIL back and say that DH was confused, the dates he gave are not suitable, the dates he should have said are XXX ?

That all sounds very reasonable!

Just to add, much as I've been a 'MIL defender' on this thread I don't think it's unreasonable at all for one of you to point out to her that now you have a baby, short visits are better.

It just sounds like maybe she needs that really spelling out, that doesn't make her a bad person. Just not great at picking up on your cues maybe. Maybe DH could make it clear to her while at the same time reassuring her that she is loved and will always have a place in DGSs life. Families do get trickier when babies arrive.