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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL visiting

106 replies

picklepuds · 27/06/2017 09:39

Sorry this is a MIL thread, I'll try to keep it brief.

MIL asked to visit us, she lives at other end of country. I asked when she would like to come and then rearranged something we had planned that Sunday to accommodate her and said something along the lines of we are free from Saturday onwards but are working/busy on the Friday.

She replied not to worry if we were busy Friday she would entertain herself if she came that day. I replied with the fact that we were both not available on the Friday and that Saturday would be better for her to visit, she replied OK.

About a week later DH says MIL has text him to say when can she visit. I say from Saturday as I'd previously told her. DH says MIL not happy with this wants to come Thursday until Tuesday! I say no as neither of us free Friday and dear god why on earth does she want to come for five nights? Surely a weekend visit is no more than three nights?

I'm pissed off that she effectively ignored me and went to DH to try and get her way so I say absolutely no way to her suggestion. Now DH is all huffy with me and MIL has decided she won't be visiting as three nights isn't long enough and DH has invited her to come on his week off which we had planned to spend doing things together and with DS!

AIBU to say she can't come for the full week so that we can have some time together?

Is DH BU for inviting her without consulting me first?

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 27/06/2017 10:24

Can you visit sone of your relatives for a couple of days, OP? I'd be seriously pissed of at him inviting her for a week, without discussing with me first.

Can you have a spa break? 😋😁 sorry, I couldn't resist 😄

Original poster
picklepuds · 27/06/2017 10:26

I agree with what PPs are saying and yes I'm BU over the length of time for a visit and as I've said would have been happy for MIL to stay longer into the next week but just not to be here on Friday.

OP posts:
lanouvelleheloise · 27/06/2017 10:28

Wanted to add: it is STAGGERING on these threads how often people assume that every situation is the same. Yet to state the absolute obvious: parents and in laws are very different people. Some are wonderful, sweet, supportive and a joy to be around. Others are a nightmare of toxic, bad and hurtful behaviours. It really isn't possible to judge how long a visit 'should' be without knowing MUCH more about the dynamics in play.

I don't think parents OR children are 'owed' anything as far as contact is concerned - you don't get a free pass to be a toxic person just because you're a blood relation. Family need the same respect as friends, acquaintances and strangers and if that isn't forthcoming, you're unlikely to be welcome.

jargonfreezone · 27/06/2017 10:38

It's not acceptable that MIL has gone behind your back to DH, and IIWM I would call the arrangement off until you can be involved in the discussion and agree to what is decided by you and DH.

Would a friend to such a thing? Unlikely, yet because it's MIL 'it's ok because she's family'. Bollocks.

YADNBU

JunefromAccounts · 27/06/2017 10:39

How dare a mother communicate with her adult son. How dare he want to be kind to her. What a bitch wanting to stay a bit longer after a long journey. Bet you're glad, OP, that you've not got a son and won't one day find yourself in your MIL's position. Oh, wait ...

MynameisJune · 27/06/2017 10:40

You have a a DS, how are you going to feel if one day his wife/gf/partner turns around and tells you that you can't visit for 5 nights because it's too long? It's her son, have a think about how you feel about your DS and then realise she probably feels that way about your DH.

I get that you told her no, and that she is still insisting but as this seems to be a rare occasion (i.e she doesn't visit every month) then I think you're being unfair and a bit dramatic.

If you're both out until 9pm who is baby sitting? Could she not baby sit DS on the Friday?

Mix56 · 27/06/2017 10:42

I used to dread my mother visiting. but I getting the train from the other end of the country, or even fly, will take most of a day. so she can't spend 2 days travelling & 2 days at yours !
She says she is happy to spend friday on her own, so let her ! Do your thing, hubby can eat with her after his flaming hobby if it's more important than his mum's visit.

WomblingThree · 27/06/2017 10:44

I too don't understand why you didn't just "let" her come on Friday. She knew the score, and was quite happy to just get on with it. God knows why you would need to cancel your plans, she's not an infant that needs looking after.

If you had just gone along with it in the first place, it would have saved a lot of drama. It seems like by wanting (and getting) your own way, you've caused a load of unnecessary hassle for yourself.

kaytee87 · 27/06/2017 10:45

waits for Navyandwhite to pile in

Not really the done thing...

Cornishclio · 27/06/2017 10:46

I think you were BU not to let her come Thursday to Tuesday if she is coming a long distance. It takes longer to recover from travel the older you get and if she was coming by train the tickets are usually quite expensive on the Fridays and Saturdays.

You should still have gone on your night out and told her you had other plans and if she had been willing to entertain herself presumably she would have been no problem or could even babysit. Alternatively your DH could rearrange his plans for his mother. I have two grown up daughters, one is married with a baby but we see them every week as they live locally so I feel for your MIL living the other end of the country and rarely seeing her grandchildren.

Your DH was BU in making plans for his week off without consulting you but you asked for it really by being difficult about her visit. Let him sort her out.

Mix56 · 27/06/2017 10:46

leave her the ironing to do, sewing, cooking????

AngelaTwerkel · 27/06/2017 10:46

"Yet to state the absolute obvious: parents and in laws are very different people. Some are wonderful, sweet, supportive and a joy to be around. Others are a nightmare of toxic, bad and hurtful behaviours. It really isn't possible to judge how long a visit 'should' be without knowing MUCH more about the dynamics in play."

I definitely agree with this. However, the OP hasn't said that her MIL is toxic, just that she went behind her back to speak with her DH. It's not ideal, but on its own it's not exactly toxic, let's-go-no-contact behaviour is it?!

Lunar1 · 27/06/2017 10:49

I can't imagine ever expecting dh to seek my permission for when his parents stay and the same the other way round.

diddl · 27/06/2017 10:49

My goodness, she outplayed you there!

What were you planning to do ?

Anything that will be toyally ruined by having her there?

Perhaps he should just go to her for the week to save her the travelling.

Well, as you say, you were a bit daft about the Fri-how long would you have had with her withouut your husband?

And she would have been seeing her GS anyway.

WomblingThree · 27/06/2017 10:50

jargonfreezone how the hell is speaking to her son going behind anyone's back? It's his bloody house too. Maybe the MIL, having realised that the OP was busy, figured that she would talk to her son instead and see if he was available.

Everyone bitches on here about how MILs should deal with their son, not their DIL and then when one does, it's still wrong. If my MIL wants to visit, I expect her to discuss it with DH and for him to sort it, which is what happens.

I'm normally sympathetic to MIL issues, but this was pretty much self inflicted.

PutThatPomBearBack · 27/06/2017 10:50

Schvitzing GrinGrinGrin

llangennith · 27/06/2017 10:52

I'm glad my DILs and sons in law aren't like you OP. I'd feel very unwelcome and hurt.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/06/2017 10:57

For me the factors that add up to Aibu are:

How often does she see you?

And

How long does she have to travel from the other country to get to you?

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/06/2017 10:58

sounds like you've been played - why do you hate her so much that 5 as opposed to 3 days is insufferable and intolerable?

She is your husband's mother and she lives very far away - how often does she even visit? Its only 2 days, you told her you guys would not be there so she can amuse herself if she wants to. Keep firm on that but it seems like your husband wants to see his mother, 3 days is a very short stay for a long distance journey, and if he wants to spend the week off with her instead of you then you'll have to live with it. I'd encourage her to come for the 5 days instead if I were you.

Chloe84 · 27/06/2017 11:05

I think it's worth pointing out that OP has said the bulk of the housework falls to her.

There needs to be a balance between MIL feeling welcome and OP not being the mug exoected to serve everyone and entertain MIL.

Quartz2208 · 27/06/2017 11:06

The problem seems to be not her visiting but the fact that you have a (rare) night out planned and you feel the onus would be on you to cancel this to entertain her rather than your DH who would be off on his hobby and did not even think of cancelling.

Then with the week its the fact that he is prepared to have a week off with his mum but would still expect you to do all the housework and sorting of her visit rather than him.

In essence you have a DH issue not a MIL one. I would say to him fine she can come the 5 or the 7 days but:

  1. he can give up his hobby the night she is coming to spend time with her
  2. he can do the extra sorting out of bedding etc for her
  3. he can do the cooking that week when she is here
  4. as he is with his mum that week you are going to take the opportunity to go out for a spa day and evening out
lanouvelleheloise · 27/06/2017 11:08

Well said, quartz! Do NOT be guilted into taking this on as wifework, OP. His mother, his effort

glenthebattleostrich · 27/06/2017 11:09

If this was my MIL I would feel the same. She's the Queen of passive aggressive and emotional manipulation.

She invited herself down last year and I pointed out we had long-standing plans that weekend for a close friends 40th birthday. She still insisted on coming, I refused to cancel and we had all manner of strops and huffing from her.

OP has said it's not convenient, she has gone to the OPs husband complaining, it smacks of manipulative behaviour.

Original poster
picklepuds · 27/06/2017 11:13

I've never once said I hate or dislike my MIL, I dislike that we had made arrangements between us for her visit that she has tried to change by going to my DH instead of me.

Also agree with other posters that the bulk of entertaining preparing etc will fall to me and for five days this does get wearing.

For those asking how I will feel about visiting my own DS I would hope that I would have enough about me to visit at a time that was convenient to everyone instead of demanding it be my way or no visit at all.

Definitely true about the DH problem, it would be better if we could both get on the same page. Interesting to hear that others don't run having visitors by their OHs though, I always run this past him but he doesn't seem to do the same for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
picklepuds · 27/06/2017 11:15

Quartz you've hit the nail on the head, thanks for your suggestions

OP posts:
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