MIL buying first things for baby?

[notsureifimbeingur]

I am 20 weeks pregnant and not sure if it's the hormones kicking in, or if I have a right to be a little annoyed. This might be a bit long, sorry.

Haven't had time to buy much yet for baby due to work, but hope to soon, but MIL has been buying HEAPS of stuff and texts my DH daily with what she has bought that day.
So far she has bought a Christmas top (baby due Nov) baby gros, dummy, can't remember all the rest there's been that much. She is also planning to buy our pram for us.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I feel that she is taking away the excitement we should be having buying these things for our baby?
If I go to buy things now, I feel like "oh, I can't as MIL already has got us one of those." I feel like I have to ask her for a list of what she has got us, so that I don't buy the same thing twice.

Have spoke to DH to get her to calm it down a bit, and he says she is just excited. To which I tried to explain how I wanted to be the ones to buy the first dummy, first nappies etc. He just looked at me like
I know I don't have to put our baby in the Christmas outfit she has bought, but I know she will make a comment about why I haven't put baby in her top.

AIBU to be upset about this, or is it my hormones?! I just want myself and DH to have a nice time buying our baby things instead of worrying that we will have two of the same things. I want to be excited but she has taken that away.

I did wonder last night as MIL dailybtext your DH as if she's buying things 'for him' in that he now doesn't have too, whereas you'd rather shop as a couple to include your DH in the baby?

How did she find a Christmas top in June? Or did she perhaps have one lying around that she bought in the sale for one of her other grandchildren but then didn't give it because she doesn't see them?

Lavender I suppose online. You can get them in shops like TKMaxx too.

I really don't think you're being unreasonable here. Is it just your DH she texts 'look what I bought the baby' updates to? My MIL is behaving the same way at the moment, despite asking her to involve me! You know, the one carrying the baby! Even just including me in the the photos sends. I find it sad if anything, like I'm being excluded from my baby's life because she will text everyone else about what she has been buying other than me.

It's a difficult situation, but I think you and your DH need to present a united front here and talk to her together. Understandably she's excited, but she does need to tone it down from the sounds of it. And make you feel involved! You should have a rough idea of what she's bought because you'd think she'd want to share her excitement with you.

My MIL bought my pram, but I chose it and I paid for my first grandchild's pram. My DIL chose it.

I hope that makes sense! I haven't had a coffee yet.

Lavender Next and John Lewis had them for sale online when I was browsing last week. So there's a chance I she could've bought one.

Just say thanks and buy what you would have yourself anyway! :) I'm 20 weeks too, wahoo!

YNBU but babies need a lot of stuff. Could you make a list of everything you need and then let her know which things you are buying or want to choose.
My DM paid for our pram but it was always our choice. But to include her we took her shopping with us once we had narrowed it down to a few choices.
With a little guidance she can get what you need and save you money for when the baby is here.
My DM is so helpful around baby stuff and buying clothes when DD grows out of them. Especially when you're on mat leave and don't have as much money

OP I can see why this feels important now, but trust me, in time it really won't.

When I was pregnant with DS1 I had a big shopping trip planned when I was going to buy everything. I was so excited. Then DS arrived 5 weeks early, and I had nothing, literally, not one single nappy or item of clothing! DS was in SCBU and I had no DH, so friends rallied round, bought a few random things, gave me their old stuff - I ended up with a mix of non matching second hand stuff. And you know what - it didn't matter at all - I was just grateful I had what I needed.

I know your situation is different, but I really just wanted to show that ultimately once you have your baby then nothing else seems to matter.

And an attentive helpful adult is worth their weight in gold!

Babies are so expensive. I really can't see what the problem is with letting relatives buy things to help out with costs. My daughter would have been happy for me to have bought everything!! In fact she gave out a list of everything she needed and asked all the grandparents what they could buy!! However, I would expect the parents to specify which pram/cot etc. they wanted and then, if too expensive for MiL to buy, contribute towards to it.
Why would you assume you want a dummy before the baby has even been born? Disgusting dirty things. After two kids myself and two grandchildren, there's never been a dummy needed in our family.

You are so not being unreasonable. My MIL was exactly like this and - 20 years later - it still annoys me if I think about it.

My first thought would be to ask you MIL to stop buying when you're only 20 weeks and say that you only want to buy the very basics until baby's safely here.

My MIL knitted for England when I was pregnant with ds1 and produced bags of white cardigans, booties etc. None of which ever got worn because they just weren't practical. She bought masses and masses of clothes from little boutiques near where she lives - 200 miles away, so no chance of me discreetly returning/exchanging them. I tried tactfully explaining that he had very sensitive skin so synthetic, fussy clothing wasn't comfortable for him, DH would guffaw loudly at the latest sailor suit she produced, and I tried suggesting if she bought from high street shops I could exchange them if by any chance they didn't fit. All to no avail. She bought us a crib, without asking. Dark mahogany- not what I would have chosen. Then - surprise! She rang up to say they'd bought us a cot. I was so upset. I wanted to choose that myself and said as much. She huffily said that they would keep it at their house in that case to use when we visited.

The thing was, at that point, we had so little money we couldn't afford to buy much so we ended up taking her wretched cot. My family also bought us stuff, but they consulted me over what to get if it was big stuff or else took me shopping.

MIL always behaved as if DS was her grandchild first and foremost rather than my DS. I hated visiting because her attitude extended way beyond buying what she wanted to doing what she wanted - and I suggest you need to prepare yourself for that too. My MIL would give ds chocolate before meals, she put chocolate in his mouth when he was a few weeks old, she tried to feed him cows milk when he was a few weeks old, she'd take him out 'for a walk' and be gone for hours and hours, even though he was being exclusively breastfed etc etc.

She's an old frail lady now and our relationship has mellowed. But when I see thread titles like yours, it all comes flooding back!

Count yourself lucky. My MIL made all the new baby clothes she gave me. Knitted matinee jackets, booties (which are useless and never stayed on), even matching knitted trousers (yes, knitted trousers!) and jackets. Then shirts and dungarees she sewed herself, and voluminous nightgowns. . Which you might think was incredibly kind of her - and I know she meant well - but the patterns she used (if she did use patterns) were all from the 1960s when she was having her own children, hopelessly old fashioned and without any modern convenience eg poppers down the legs of the dungarees for easy nappy changes. She also bought me loads of terry nappies when I had no intention of using anything other than disposable, or at least, the modern reusable nappies. I shudder to think of all the stuff I quietly put away, never to use.

It was such a shame because I didn't have your problem of wanting to buy things for myself, I was ready to be grateful for whatever I received, and I used all the stuff my own parents and friends bought me, even if they weren't necessarily things I would have bought myself, but I just couldn't bear to dress my baby like some 60s throwback, and a not even fashionable 60s throwback at that.

I am with you on the pram though. It is such an expensive item and it is so important you get one that suits you, that your MIL cannot be allowed to choose it herself. And it would be an horrendous waste of money if you both bought one and hers was just for use at her house. Work or no work, I would get on board with the idea of buying the pram in the very near future. They can take a few weeks to be ordered anyway. Then, you can be sure you get what you want, and if MILwants to pay for it, believe me you will be grateful she spared you the expense. But don't let her choose one on her own.

I feel really sorry for MILs. Nothing they do is right. Just remember, one day you will be a MIL and very excited about a new grandchild arriving!

If you want the baby's 'firsts' to be picked by you, go and buy them yourselves when you do get the time. Just because she's bought a few bits doesn't mean they must be the baby's firsts and that's the end of it. I find this mentality really weird and totally can't relate because I'm really chilled out about these things anyway.

Babies are expensive, I'd be appreciative of such generosity!

Just seems a little childish to me. Dummies must be changed fairly regularly and babies get through untold clothes, just use the things she's bought somewhere else down the line.

Regarding the pram, tell her you want to choose it with your partner! Prams are a personal choice and you'll likely only have one of those, so if she gets the wrong one it will be a bit awkward.

I think it's lovely your MIL is excited but she's getting a little out of hand. And your DH's attitude stinks - it's ok for his mum to be excited and enjoy choosing baby clothes, but not ok for you? There is nothing to lose by a gentle 'gosh, mum, you've been so generous. We're doing some research now about some of the things we need, and some friends might be giving us their baby's stuff, so probably best if you hold off for a bit now.'

In the meanwhile, remember dummies get lost and it's amazing how many tops I didn't really like were sicked on just before we left the house. 'I know, he was wearing it earlier, little demons aren't they?'

White lies FTW.

YABU. Just buy the things you want to buy yourself (first dummy, etc.). You can use yours first. Btw, I don't really think "first dummy" and "first nappy" is a thing...you seem to be in a negative thinking loop. Be grateful that you have such great support! Acting a bit brattish atm.

I think you might be being a little unreasonable. She is excited. You don't have to use everything she buys, in fact you might come realise just how much a baby needs and be glad for having more than one of something!

As for the pray, mine bought my pram, we went shopping together. There is nothing stopping you choosing it and your MiL paying for it.

I get it OP, Mine was like this and while helpful it wasnt wanted.

Mil especially got a massive deal from a neighbour to buy her used moses basket, car seat, bottle warmer and few other bits all for £100. we told her not to, her sisters told her not to, fil told her not to and yet she still did.

The car seat was 15 years old at the time, moses basket has a handle missing, bottle warmer blew her electrics - she still didn't think anything was wrong, 5 years later ds has never stayed at her house, she bought the cot - again i didnt get a say - it broke within 2 months nd was returned meaning we had to fork out the extra for the one we wanted which was fair enough but could have been avoided if she'd have just asked us to help choose one for our child.

she then went on to start stocking nappies, she bought pampers in every size you can imagine - at least 15 boxes in her spare room, along with johnson's stuff to bathe him in. ds was born and within the first week developed eczema and was allergic to pampers nappies, meaning he couldn't use the johnsons stuff at all and obviously the nappies had been a waste too.

You do need to explain to her to calm down a bit and let you have some of the magic of choosing for your first child. and if your dh wont then you say it, nicely obviously but perhaps ask her did she get to choose for her children and explain that you would also like to, I think excitement takes over manners in situations like this.

Another person who thinks her generosity and excitement is nice.

Everyone advised me to buy nothing for our baby as people would be so generous but I loved shopping for him and bought a few outfits/baby grows in different sizes plus muslims, bibs, grow bags and some toys.

People were then very generous and bought us lots more but babies are messy so we used everything!

The trick is to arrange DC's wardrobe and drawers in size order so you can't forget about things.

One of my favourite things I bought DS was decorations for the nursery, his first soft toys & his nightlight. Why not buy a few things like that which will "last"?

The pram is traditional for grandparents to buy but they should let you pick.
I probably wouldn't be fussed about dummies and tops - you'll need so many.
I understand wanting to buy a few special items yourself. It's part of the fun but don't worry too much about someone else being excited.

I think it would bother me, but more so because I can't stand my MIL. I have my reasons (undermining my parenting, making rude personal comments, and essentially calling my DS stupid because he is delayed developmentally, over stepping boundaries, etc). I'm also pregnant (again), and hormones in full rage, so I'm slightly avoiding her.

Make sure she knows some boundaries, so she doesn't go out of her way to make decisions on your behalf. Ask your DH to call/text and say we've been looking at some prams, and we know you wanted to gift us the pram, so we just wanted you to know which one we liked. Or even wondered if you wanted to come with us to purchase it. Prams are so expensive, you won't miss that expense!
The other stuff, I wouldn't worry about too much. Buy what you want still, even if she's brought it. Her items can be 'spares', and kept at her home (if you visit often).

Did you have a good relationship with her prior to falling pregnant? Sounds like she's just excited, but it's important she learns she's the GP and not the DM. I have a friend who suffered from PND with her first born, and she is 99% convinced it is due to her overbearing MIL turning up everyday and taking over baby duties.

Dumbledor i feel your pain. My DM is a knitter and has kept all the patterns she had from when i was a baby (60s/70s).

I adore knitted things for kids - the hippy style bright stripey cardies and hoodies ect. Those lovely knit blankets which they sell in Mamas and Papas ect. Made from that soft cotton yarn ...

Sadly we get the lurid green or sparkly synthetic wool she's picked up in the church jumble sale. I feel bad every time i open 'The Drawer', full of stuff she's knitted and is unwearable. She insists on adjusting the pattern to make the darn things miles wide and too short as well. With arms about 2 feet long. Even though i tell her DD is long in the body, short in the arms and needs and extra few inches to cover her bum when she bends over!

I've asked her to knit more up to date stuff with nice yarn. Offered to buy the yarn myself. But no. Waste of money apparently. So what can i do?

Sorry OP, to actually answer your thread ... ... you have 2 choices:

1 smile and nod and just manage all the stuff by putting to the back and using your own chosen stuff first, or

2 have a word.

Number 2 risks bad feeling. Number 1 risks spending the next few years secretly hiding stuff you don't like, rotating it all to the back of cupboards and then taking it to charity. Oh and getting good at saying vaguely ''Oh ... the red set/the green spotty trousers/the bright pink furry anorak [insert item] that you bought? Yes i remember it. You haven't seen it on her? Oh she wore it a lot ... I think she's grown out of it now. More tea?''

Anyone else have alarm bells ringing over the huge family falling out and nc with other family members

I could be reading this wrong but it sounds like she is staking a claim on the baby as if buying all this affords her some sort of special privileges

Can you speak to the other family members she's ostracised maybe to get some perspective on this ?

You have to really draw a firm line with people like this just read some of threads on here you and your DH need to be onto the same page