MIL buying first things for baby?

[notsureifimbeingur]

I am 20 weeks pregnant and not sure if it's the hormones kicking in, or if I have a right to be a little annoyed. This might be a bit long, sorry.

Haven't had time to buy much yet for baby due to work, but hope to soon, but MIL has been buying HEAPS of stuff and texts my DH daily with what she has bought that day.
So far she has bought a Christmas top (baby due Nov) baby gros, dummy, can't remember all the rest there's been that much. She is also planning to buy our pram for us.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I feel that she is taking away the excitement we should be having buying these things for our baby?
If I go to buy things now, I feel like "oh, I can't as MIL already has got us one of those." I feel like I have to ask her for a list of what she has got us, so that I don't buy the same thing twice.

Have spoke to DH to get her to calm it down a bit, and he says she is just excited. To which I tried to explain how I wanted to be the ones to buy the first dummy, first nappies etc. He just looked at me like
I know I don't have to put our baby in the Christmas outfit she has bought, but I know she will make a comment about why I haven't put baby in her top.

AIBU to be upset about this, or is it my hormones?! I just want myself and DH to have a nice time buying our baby things instead of worrying that we will have two of the same things. I want to be excited but she has taken that away.

Thank her, but ask her to stop buying until you go on maternity leave, as you want to shop for your baby, and don't want to get everything so early in your pregnancy. Maybe ask her to come with you? Write a list of things you need/ would find useful/would like to have, and ask her advice. Tick off what you already have. Get the catalogues out and point out the things you like/ dislike. Have a proper girly baby shopping sesh together. And then remind her that you have limited space/ babies grow so quickly, etc etc, and its wasteful to buy too much, better to put some money aside for baby...

There's a reason she fell out with the other family members - I have a feeling you are about to find out why!

it is her 4th grandchild, and yes our first, but she doesn't see her other grandkids at all (family falling out.) so she is super excited at getting to do the whole "grandchild" thing again

Erm, big red flag waving for me there. Why doesn't she see her other grandchildren?

Personally, I would be informing her about which things you would like her to buy if she is happy to do so and asking her not to get everything as you are so excited for the birth of your child and would like to get some of the special first stuff yourself. Her reaction to this will tell you whether she is just super excited and got a bit carried away or being a bit odd and possessive over a baby that is her relative but not her actual baby.

Doesn't see her other grandchildren? Big. Red. Flag.

It's insensitive of her. My Mil and Fil gave me some cash bless them...they bought our pram too...but asked how much the one we wanted was...they didn't choose it.

MIL did still choose a lot of outfits herself by the way.

I was exactly the same so understand where you are coming from. Don't think you are unreasonable at all. She has had her go, now it is your turn. Although it's worth getting her to have a bit of a reminisce about when she was having her first baby - hopefully when she says she was so excited about things you can say that isn't it funny how history repeats itself as now you're the one that is excited about doing all the firsts yourself and you can't imagine what it is like for her being a granny to be and watching you get excited too... Also find out what her mil and mum were like - you might find that if they were controlling they took over her first pg and bought loads of stuff so she didn't get a chance when she had her own to have lots of firsts - which will mean that she wants to get them in with your dc! Just nicely remind her that you're excited about things too. Pick your battles - an outfit for christmas she can buy but you can buy one too and chose for it to be worn at the key points. And if she comments then say that you were already planning on your dc wearing this outfit, but that you are saving her top for when baby gets this one dirty/tomorrow. Whereas if she buys dummys or a pack of babygros then they can all go in the drawer and be used whenever, you get to buy your own and chose which gets used first. Don't ask her for a list as that legitimises her buying things as being proper firsts - tell her that you're getting stuff and that also until the baby is here you won't know if they're big or small, like dummy brand a or b, etc etc so you don't want to get too much stuff in advance.

My mum helped us buy our pram. At first she was planning on us having the pram she'd given my dsis for her first dc, as dn had soon grown out of it and she didn't use it any more...

However, I had a much smaller car than dsis, and I had a choice - I could either put the pram in the car. Or I could put the baby and car seat in the car - not the two at the same time which is what you need

If she wants to help out with something like the pram then that's lovely - but she needs to understand it's on the condition that you get the choice of which pram you get - not her. You need to get one that works for you and your situation - you don't want to get stuffed with one that you feel you have to use but loathe because it's too big/small/cumbersome/tricky/no storage/not adaptable to have a second chair or buggyboard/too high/too low/difficult to collapse/won't go on buses/won't fit in your car/won't work with your car seat.

You need to be out there doing the research and deciding what you need so that if MIL starts to say that she wants to buy you a xxx pram you can say, that's lovely of you mil but unfortunately the xxx pram isn't going to work for us because of abc reasons, I'm currently deciding between the yyy and zzz prams. I'd be thrilled if you wanted to contribute towards whichever one we end up getting...

you definitely don't want her to just turn up with one that she has chosen that you can't take back!

I'm with you OP. I would have hated someone fussing about buying everything for us. Yes, it's very generous, but really it's just MIL having a grand old time shopping. It's fulfilling her needs as much as it is yours! It was important to me that DH and I decided on prams and cots and yes, even clothes, for ourselves. I have baby things that were bought for us that I just can't and won't use - horrible synthetic fabrics, thins with loads of stupid buttons and naff, tacky designs.

You're in a tricky place, but as PP have said you need to get your DH to talk to her and tell her to cool it with the buying until you decide exactly what you want. If she then wants to contribute, or to take you shopping, then good. You need to start as you mean to go on otherwise you'll end up with a load of stuff you hate and a MIL who doesn't understand your boundaries.

*things, not 'thins'!

Just go ahead and buy the things that you want, don't let her spoil your enjoyment and fun.
Put the things she buys to one side and use them only if you want to.

Plan ahead for the pram you want and make sure you tell her many times exactly which one it is, though I've not heard that it's a tradition for grand parents to buy the pram, it is a generous gift, so accept it with grace, as long it is the one YOU want.

One idea could be to thank her really sincerely and also mention that you've got quite a lot now which you really need to organise. Maybe she could hold off buying any more until you know what you need? You could also talk about the pram and how lovely it is of her to offer to buy it. Tell her you've seen one (or whatever) you really like and that you're looking forward to going shopping for it together when the time comes - maybe make a day of it, get some lunch together etc. Maybe you could treat her to lunch since she's buying the pram?

I think you're going to get further working with her on this rather than trying to resist completely.

She has had her go, now it is your turn

But has she maybe the grandparents bought everything for her children. I certainly was most grateful to my MIL for buying so much for my dd. I don't get this excitement about buying, but then I've never had money to throw away either.

notsureifimbeingur you are NOT being unreasonable, or precious.

Of course you want to choose and buy things for your first baby and her actions are spoiling it for you and sidelining you.

She has had three grandchildren and you are pregnant with all the hormones so why would anyone expect her to get away with wanting things her way and not accept you want things your way! With your own baby.

Don't go through your dh, unless you want to. He doesn't seem up to the job and that does not bode well for any possible future issues'! (Sorry, but he needs to be on your side not his mums!)

Invite MIL out for coffee and shopping. Talk about the pram you would like and if she would like to buy it, you would be delighted. Thank you, but you would like to go together to the shop and get it.

Tell her you have all you need now, other people have already brought stuff and for now you have all you need. Just repeat that every time she brings round a set of dummies or a baby grow. "How lovely, but do you remember I said we had all we needed?" Put those things in a drawer, keep them, use them, pass them on to deserving causes in a year’s time if this floats your boat.

On Christmas morning put on your new baby outfits/Christmas top, unless on the day you feel you want to put on MIL's bought one.

If you take back the power in this relationship you might actually feel more 'generous' to her and you may worry less about her actions, because you will know it is your choice what baby wears, etc, so you may find knowing that it is less of an issue for you.

Your MIL is generous but she is not sensitive, she has not listened to you, or thought how you may feel. I think - IMHO - you need to talk to her one-to-one. You also probably need to tell your dh after the fact (or before it) that you will be speaking to her and why. Your dh needs to learn you and baby are his priority now, not making things easier/better for his mum.

Atenco "I don't get this excitement about buying, but then I've never had money to throw away either." We didn't have money to throw away either, but a little Christmas baby grow is hardly throwing money away.

Little tops and stuff or outfits and dummies etc are great. Anything like big stuff (pranks, cost and bottles if you choose to bottle feed) should be asked about and see what you want as people have preferences. Once the baby comes you will be so glad if extra clothes especially if you are behind on washing and baby is sick, dummy's are handy too as they get mucky and lost so easily. Just accept and explain that the big stuff you would like a say on if she offers to buy. Everything else is a bonus.

But it is wasteful to buy things you don't need or want - put the money into savings instead - ask MIL to open an account - for university or first car

We long term ttc and for me a lot of the buying and choosing of 'stuff' was a really big milestone as it was something I could only dream of for a number of years. I don't think it's daft to want to go out and buy things for a first baby, for a lot of people it's part and parcel of the whole experience of pregnancy and becoming parents for the first time.

OP make sure you choose the pram yourselves, I would accept and thank mil for anything she's bought, doesn't mean you have to use them. Yanbu to feel sidelined, but don't forget you have the last say in what baby will wear as you will be dressing them daily 😉 any outfits I wasn't keen on I'd dress them in and take a photo for the person who had gifted it to us and then either charity shop or give away to someone that I knew might like them.

Let her keep the nappies, babygros and dummies she's bought at her house for when you're visiting and just buy some for your own house. They are really not that interesting a purchase.

My Mum buys NOTHING for my daughter and never really has done! Neither have her grandparents on her father's side! Think yourself lucky!!!!

My dad bulk bought nappies and wipes when he saw them on offer and I was so grateful once I was on maternity leave. I do understand what you mean about some "first" things though and you need to make it clear that YOUR first things will be used first. Doesn't mean your MIL can't get them. Best wishes OP for the birth and the baby. Exciting times!

YANBU to be concerned. It's your first child and you want to enjoy the experience and excitement that that entails. There needs to be a balance between your MIL's excitement and your wants and needs with your wants and needs taking priority after really she has been there done that it's now your turn.

Speak to her or have your DH speak to her he needs to be onside here he needs to understand your feelings and needs not just his mother's if it's not addressed, there will be resentment.

I'm 24weeks with our first. My parents are buying pram, but we are the ones shopping for it choosing it ordering it etc, they just paying. Same with few other big items.
I completely get how you are feeling tho, I very much want it to be us who buy and choose the items for our dd. It's completely normal to feel that way.
Yes she's excited but she's had her time with her own firstborn. Your dh needs to explain to her that it's lovely she's so excited but so are you and you want to experience these firsts etc on your own (as a couple). She needs to back off a little and be understanding.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

My MIL was the exact same during my pregnancy including buying things that I hadn't even decided if I wanted such as a Moses basket. I got quite upset at times about it but then I realised that as she was buying quite a bit it freed up me to buy the really nice things I wanted rather than use all my money on the basic things and also I've realised since my baby has been born that although my MIL might have bought the first dummies for instance I decided which she used first when she was born which felt more important.
Is there a way of gently directing your MIL towards things you need so that it's helpful for you? I've found since my baby was born that some gentle direction has helped. Also with your pram it's really kind of her to buy it for you but make sure you and your DH chose it advice prams are such personal choices you want to be 100% happy with it. I went pram shopping with my MIL several times to try them out and have her be part of the excitement but was clear that it was me and DH who were making the final decision.
Also my MIL said that when she had her babies she didn't have much money and part of buying lots for mine was because she didn't get to before which helped me understand it too.

I think it's lovely of her. At least she gives a shit.

Just imagine one day that your baby has a baby. How excited you'd be. There's no mil guide book out there,she's doing her best.

Don't worry, those pregnancy hormones are killer. She's being very generous.
You can still buy the things you want to buy.
In fact I strongly recommend buying things for the next few sizes up. The baby will grow out of the new born stuff so quickly!!!

I always made a point to dress baby in what others had bought and take a picture to send them. If the outfit is horrendous then I wouldn't put them in it again. Then dress baby in what i wanted.

To be honest clothes wise, grows and vests are the most convenient and easy thing to put on them to start with and you have to change them several times a day...all the other cute and complicated little outfits seemed so much more hassle when I'd had 3 hours sleep, hadn't eaten in hours and I was covered in regurgitated milk

I'd say pick your battles, as there may be the occasional thing you need to put your foot down on. It carries more weight when you are easy going otherwise.

Congratulations on your little bubba!!

Could you talk to yourMiL about how you feel. Over on gransnet at the moment there is a thread about a 'advice for a soon -to-be granny'One of the things she said was how excited she was buying things for the new baby,

The advice she got was that she was in danger of robbing her DD of the pleasure of buying these things herself and maybe to give money instead. I think a serious talk with MiL now will save lots of heartache in the future.