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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite/ begging poem.

294 replies

Rriot · 26/06/2017 10:08

We have been invited to a wedding. Evening invite only.

The invitation included a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. (Guests invited to the whole day didn't get a begging letter poem Hmm)

The bottom line is, we can't really afford to give cash. Generally I'd put my feelings about this type of request aside and give what was asked for but I think the very small amount we can afford to give will look mean.

My alternatives are to give a cheap but nice gift, or donate to the charity that I know is close to the family's heart. I don't want to give a wrapped present if we will be the only ones who do so, not sure how they will feel about a donation to charity.

WWYD?

OP posts:
justlliloleme · 27/06/2017 19:21

We didn't put anything on our invitations & we only had an evening do. We wanted people to come & celebrate with us, it was enough that people were there.
Saying that we still ended up with over £4K for which we were extremely grateful.
I honestly wouldn't worry at all about money or a gift, just being there should be enough x

Roversandrhodes · 27/06/2017 19:26

I know you say it will cause tension etc if you don't go but just tell a white lie and say you've already agreed to babysit ( should you have nieces/nephews/grandchildren or say you have already rsvp'd to another wedding reception )

a1poshpaws · 27/06/2017 19:30

I agree with the just don't go posts.

fullofhope03 · 27/06/2017 19:31

They don't sound the nicest of people, family or not - sorry.
So, bugger the drama or whatever they attempt to throw at you.
As another MNetter said, politely decline and just don't go.
You'll be fine and so will they (with bells on).
Go on, you can do it!
As another wise Mnetter said - FREEDOM!! xx

eulmh · 27/06/2017 19:39

We asked for money and a colleague bought us some glasses I thought nothing of it. I appreciated the gesture, it was nice of them to bother at all. If you got them a gesture gift I'm sure they'd be just as appreciative

JaneEyre70 · 27/06/2017 19:39

I wouldn't get a gift for an evening invitation, just a nice card.

RobotsandMermaids · 27/06/2017 19:42

I've never bought a present as an 'evening only' invitee.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 27/06/2017 19:45

I don't see anything wrong with asking for or giving cash it's a lot better than ending up with load of crap cluttering your house. Most people would appreciate help with cost of honeymoon. That being said I would for someone to worry tge anounf of cash. &5-£10 in a card is fine. If the going on honeymoon convert to the relevant currency.

flowermother · 27/06/2017 19:47

I would either decline, or go with a card and gift - bottle of wine/fizz, or a nice plant in a pot. If that offends them then it really is their problem!

38cody · 27/06/2017 20:01

It's revolting and tacky and I can't stand it!
A friend of mine did a hideous downloaded poem asking for money for her Florida honeymoon (3rd marriage) and I bought her a guidebook 😄 I would have got her a nice gift or maybe good amount of cash if she hadn't been so crass but I find it offensive and revolting.
I know it comes up a lot on mumsnet and many don't mind but it really really bugs me.

angelfacecuti75 · 27/06/2017 20:06

Put your name in your mum's card ot put the small amount you can afford with their amount so it makes it more x then they can't moan xxx
Get a picture with their names on from card factory online for 3.99. I just did the for my friend.
Ot just buy the card and say you'll send the money on later?

tiredofdancingtothesametune · 27/06/2017 20:08

People get so judgemental when it comes to other peoples weddings - I find it shocking. Most threads on here about weddings end up with the bride and groom getting bashed for being greedy or grabby - however most guests actually expect to give a present in the form of a gift or cash, but why do some not like to actually give something the B&G like?

I prefer giving cash gifts to trawling around the shops, its so much easier as a guest and anything from £10 upwards is always happily received.

OP I think you should turn down the invite as you don't have the B & G happiness at heart - you would rather deliberately NOT give the B & G what they actually want, and make a charitable donation, because it suits you to make your point and in some way make your mark and take the shine off their big day - if you are happy to give a tenner to charity, why not just give it to them, instead of the obvious cop out

You are going to make yourself look extremely petty - and if you think you wont, that is because people will be saying this behind your back, trust me, a snub like that is quite obvious

tiredofdancingtothesametune · 27/06/2017 20:13

It's repulsive to ask for money as a wedding gift

How is it worse than giving people a gift list, a registry from, say John Lewis?

tiredofdancingtothesametune · 27/06/2017 20:16

load of crap cluttering your house

Well meaning tat that ends up in the charity shop / on ebay, a few weeks later?

-Holds hand up

Sorry but I don't need clutter and four sets of wine glasses when we are teetotal, nor do I want other peoples beige taste of home furnishings, when I have owned my own home for 15 years -

MrsHathaway · 27/06/2017 20:20

If someone has £20 you'd rather they spent it on taxis and beer to attend than put it in a card for you and stayed at home. Obviously.

anything from £10 upwards is always happily received

You clearly haven't read the thread which spawned "cancel the cheque". Some people have no manners whatsoever.

Benedikte2 · 27/06/2017 20:25

I feel the poem was very undemanding and says that gifts are not expected but if you must give then please make it cash.
I'd just either give a nice card (perhaps with a message to say
If wishes were pounds you'd have a million.
And pop in £10 and forget about it. Or if you're so inclined don't put any cash in at all.

It's not as if they are having a trad Chinese wedding where the guests line up as they go into the reception and hand over little red envelopes of cash which are added up and noted in a book. The pressure would be on then! Fortunately I was unaware and turned up with a gift and because I was one of the few Westerners there it was quite acceptable

tiredofdancingtothesametune · 27/06/2017 20:25

You clearly haven't read the thread which spawned "cancel the cheque". Some people have no manners whatsoever

Maybe some people need to get better friends, rather than morons who are not grateful or realise we aren't all made of money.

seven201 · 27/06/2017 20:34

I think it's bloody rude putting in a begging poem in any invitation but especially to evening guests. Just do a cheap but not cheap looking bottle of fizz and a card.

38cody · 27/06/2017 20:40

If you don't understand why it's cheap and crass - it's probably because you're cheap and crass - sorry - but that's the truth of the matter. If you don't get it - you probably never will.

MrsHathaway · 27/06/2017 20:50

Maybe some people need to get better friends, rather than morons who are not grateful or realise we aren't all made of money.

I couldn't agree more - but sometimes it can be hard to tell until the Big Day. Or, in the case of the thread I referenced, some weeks later.

Nowt so queer as folk.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 27/06/2017 20:53

Asking for money as a gift is crass and vulgar. That applies whether you are a teenager or you're brazen enough to put some god awful begging letter in your wedding invitation.

If you have to ask why it is crass for grown ups asking other people for cash, that says more about you than anyone else on this thread.

Whoopwhoopwooo · 27/06/2017 21:24

We got married not long ago, no wedding list or money poem as I just wanted the guests company but most gave us cash or just a card. One funny thing though, my DH aunt said she'd forgotten the card, we received it in the post a week or so later with a cheque dated after the wedding, so clearly wasn't going to give anything. Not that it would have mattered just made me laugh.

Good luck OP

Zoejj77 · 27/06/2017 21:31

When I got married we did a complete free bar from day to finish. Some people didn't even buy a card nevermind a gift of any size. Your attendance should be all that's important. Don't worry about it

carrotcakecupcake · 27/06/2017 21:34

We asked for money for our honeymoon though didn't write a shite poem and in all honesty didn't care about the amount given, it was the thought that counted and I would have equally welcomed a donation to a meaningful charity in our name. We had a few wrapped gifts on the day which I have to admit I can't remember - one also lost its card and to this day (six years later) I feel guilty for not sending a thank you for it Blush

MrsKevo · 27/06/2017 21:41

Agree with card and bottle of fizz as a safer token/affordable present - the main thing IMO is to go and partake in the celebration, take pics, make memories etc. If they're sh*tty about your contribution that's on them not you x I wouldn't be surprised if it's not even occurred to them that this kind of thing would cause stress to guests/seem a bit grabby - it seems to happen an awful lot nowadays although the ones I've seen are along the lines of 'we only require your presence not presents but if you DID want to get something then plz give cash/vouchers because we need X for the house/going on honeymoon etc.' so it's more they don't expect anything but if you insist this will be the most useful IYSWIM? x

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