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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite/ begging poem.

294 replies

Rriot · 26/06/2017 10:08

We have been invited to a wedding. Evening invite only.

The invitation included a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. (Guests invited to the whole day didn't get a begging letter poem Hmm)

The bottom line is, we can't really afford to give cash. Generally I'd put my feelings about this type of request aside and give what was asked for but I think the very small amount we can afford to give will look mean.

My alternatives are to give a cheap but nice gift, or donate to the charity that I know is close to the family's heart. I don't want to give a wrapped present if we will be the only ones who do so, not sure how they will feel about a donation to charity.

WWYD?

OP posts:
OfficerVanHalen · 28/06/2017 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McTufty · 28/06/2017 16:08

Having a gift list doesn't imply that you expect gifts, it's there in case someone asks but it isn't an expectation

You wouldn't have a gift list if you weren't expecting people to ask you what you wanted.

DrQuinzel · 28/06/2017 16:19

Since when were we obliged to give gifts for an evening invitation? I would be laughing all the way to the postbox with my RSVP politely declined if someone dared asked for cash for an evening invite.

One of the weddings we are invited to this year has 3 separate gift lists, including money and festival tickets. DH has already spent over £1k on the stag do. They also want him to make a ridiculous amount of intricate things for the ceremony, tables, etc.

Oh, and it's a cash bar.

sidesplittinglol · 28/06/2017 17:45

I got a £10 cash gift in a card that was unsigned. For me, I was fine with it because not everyone can afford to give as much as they would have liked to and the thought and intention was meant more to us than the amount. I would have liked them to have signed it so I could thank them.

expatinscotland · 28/06/2017 18:00

'Exactly I feel he is attempting to bully me because I am a rubbish business person! However I am learning fast and am not an idiot. I think it's this attempt at taking me for a total fool which has really pissed me off.'

Since grabby people decided to turn their wedding into a cash generating vehicle.

maggiethemagpie · 28/06/2017 18:03

my strategy when an evening guest is to buy something cheap but nice like a pair of wooden salad hands (hand in marriage...). just cos they ask for cash don't mean you have to give it. I think it's rude to expect anything from evening guests to be honest

Epipgab · 28/06/2017 19:27

You wouldn't have a gift list if you weren't expecting people to ask you what you wanted.

It's not about expecting anything. Having a list is for the possibility that someone might ask, but equally they might not (i.e. not taking it for granted).

theonewiththenoisychild · 29/06/2017 17:49

i got married on saturday. im surprised to see so many who take offence to a evening only invitation. i have a huge family and was only able to invite my parents my siblings and their children and my husbands parents his siblings and their children and his nieces husband and children. and some of my siblings either wernt invited or wernt able to attend. we had a registry office wedding 60 people total including the registrars and photographer. as far as i know none of my reception guests were offended as they know the situation with numbers. we invited everyone we know to celebrate with us at our reception. people asked what we wanted i said we arnt fussed as long as everyone turns up and has a good time. most did give us cash but we got a lot of lovely gifts too and we didnt buy a drink all night (couldnt afford a free bar not with my lot) im not a grabby person tho neither is my husband we would have been happy with a smile and a congratulations. we would NEVER ask guests for money our parents knew we needed a new mattress so they paid for our mattress between them. i dont see the problem with the reception only invite but i couldnt send out grabby poems

MrsHathaway · 29/06/2017 19:23

Most people are fine with an evening invitation (assuming they're not sent to anyone who would have to travel far). It's the idea of expecting gifts from evening guests.

Pr1ncessPeach · 29/06/2017 20:20

I have no problem with cash requests or evening only invites

The only 'wedding' bug bear I have is weekday weddings. Sorry but in order to save a few quid the entire guests list has to have at least one holiday day from work? I always turn these invitations down

MadisonAvenue · 29/06/2017 22:23

I've only ever had issues with two evening invitations. One was when we were sent a save the date card, planned accordingly and then just got an evening invitation and the other was for a close family member who was having a big wedding but was prioritising friends over family. That felt a bit off...but she and her husband-to-be split up three months before the wedding so it didn't matter in the end.

Weekday weddings are a nuisance though, I agree. My husband's nephew married on a Wednesday. They live 200 miles away so we had to travel early on the day of the wedding and stay over night which meant two days holiday used up.

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 30/06/2017 00:34

YY to weekday weddings! There was a big fallout in my family over a wedding on a bank holiday Monday. A fair proportion of us the guests told them to naff orf rather than scupper their long weekend plans Blush

LellyMcKelly · 30/06/2017 00:49

A nice card and a bottle of -cheapo- champagne is a perfect evening gift. There's usually a half decent 'brand' on offer.

expatinscotland · 30/06/2017 07:58

Increasingly, it's evening do invite+tacky tout for cash. Weekday weddings, it's the whole, 'It's what we could afford,' then accept a lot of people then cannot afford to take off work to go.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 30/06/2017 08:16

It depends on the what your family and friends do for a living though. Lots of retail and hospitality workers in your life, and a weekday wedding might work better than a Saturday.

emilybrontescorset · 30/06/2017 08:23

If you do go I would give a bottle of fizz and a card.

theonewiththenoisychild · 30/06/2017 09:38

i paid the extra for a saturday wedding. it did cost DOUBLE what it would in the week but we decided its better than everyone loosing a days pay or not turning up as our priority was to make it easy for people to attend which is why we didnt do a gift list and we told everyone we wernt expecting gifts we just wanted them there with us

CoconutGal · 30/06/2017 09:45

DH & I asked for money as wedding gifts, we had so many cards that when we sat down & opened them all I honestly couldn't tell you who gave us money & who didn't & frankly, I couldn't care less who didn't give us money because it was just the thought that counts. I didn't want people to feel like they HAD to give money, that's why it's a suggestion. Not a request.

80sMum · 30/06/2017 17:26

But coconut if you didn't know who had given you a gift and who hadn't, how did you know who to send your thank you notes to?

jerrysbellyhangslikejelly · 01/07/2017 11:53

Irish Independent has picked up this thread!

www.independent.ie/style/weddings/wedding-guest-left-outraged-after-being-asked-for-cash-gift-with-tacky-poem-in-invite-35880961.html

RuggerHug · 01/07/2017 12:03

Yeah Coconut how did you thank people/did everyone just get a 'thanks for your lovely card' with no reference to enclosures?

And about weekday weddings. I was once at one the Tuesday after a bank holiday Monday. That didn't annoy anyone at allHmm

Alconleigh · 01/07/2017 13:35

I think wedding gifts need to be binned as a concept tbh, as the circumstances in which they evolved, in the UK, has gone. Couples aren't setting up home, half the time they already have 2 kids and a dog, the wedding simply isn't that big a deal. Particularly when you keep in mind the divorce rates. Let's not kid ourselves this is happily ever after.

For no other celebration would stating in advance what gifts you want be deemed acceptable. Can you imagine it in a 40th birthday invitation?! Weddings aren't any different.

crazykitten20 · 01/07/2017 16:31

If you have to go to the evening do because otherwise it will cause problems for the rest of your family - explain this to your family and ask them to help you out cash wise.

backaftera2yearbreak · 01/07/2017 16:39

Only on mumsnet is an evening only invite or a request for cash or a bar where you have to pay considered rude. Back in the real world, nobody gives a shit!

expatinscotland · 01/07/2017 16:45

That's funny, all the people on here live in the real world,, too, and plenty find it rude as hell to tell people what you want as a gift without being asked first.

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