Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite/ begging poem.

294 replies

Rriot · 26/06/2017 10:08

We have been invited to a wedding. Evening invite only.

The invitation included a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. (Guests invited to the whole day didn't get a begging letter poem Hmm)

The bottom line is, we can't really afford to give cash. Generally I'd put my feelings about this type of request aside and give what was asked for but I think the very small amount we can afford to give will look mean.

My alternatives are to give a cheap but nice gift, or donate to the charity that I know is close to the family's heart. I don't want to give a wrapped present if we will be the only ones who do so, not sure how they will feel about a donation to charity.

WWYD?

OP posts:
GotToGetMyFingerOut · 26/06/2017 19:56

My sisters friend gave me one for evening invite. I don't mind giving cash generally and is my go to gift but the poem in an evening invite made me cringe. I gave a bottle of champagne. It was a good one but I was determined not to give cash as I hate those poems.

80sMum · 26/06/2017 20:00

The best thing would probably be to decline the invitation, OP. You're clearly not on the A-list, so wouldn't be messed - and no need to give money if you can't afford to.

littleemma1 · 26/06/2017 20:01

@expatinscotland I won't want it because we have everything essential that we need in our house! Not because I think they're stupid. It's hard to buy things for people's homes as everyone has their own individual styles/schemes etc.
I agree a bottle of fizz is a safe and affordable option, you could even personalise it yourself to go a little further!
Just because they're only getting invited to the evening do doesn't mean you would be any less thought of. We're only having a ceremony then an evening do, but I can guarantee if we were having the full thing I have close friends and family who would not make the cut to the day time due to numbers/cost etc.

PeaFaceMcgee · 26/06/2017 20:14

You need to stop letting people take the piss out of you, OP.

Aren't you leaving your alcoholic partner? You'll be generally much better off financially afterwards.

expatinscotland · 26/06/2017 20:25

'Just because they're only getting invited to the evening do doesn't mean you would be any less thought of. '

It certainly does in many cases. So just say 'no gifts' if you have all you need, if you have all you need, it goes to follow you don't need people's money, either.

Cuppaoftea · 26/06/2017 20:36

If you have all you need, it goes to follow you don't need people's money, either.

Exactly this.

So tacky and greedy for a couple to then go on to ask people to fund something like an expensive honeymoon they didn't save for themselves.

SteppingOnToes · 26/06/2017 20:41

Give them what you can afford and enclose a poem about how you were made to feel awkward...

chocolateworshipper · 26/06/2017 20:53

and enclose a poem

oh god - please do this

McTufty · 26/06/2017 20:54

I personally don't like gift info for evening guests at all, but here it's completely tipsy turvy because it seems the evening guests got the money poem but the day guests didn't? Why on earth not OP?

I've read the thread but didn't see this, apologies if I missed it.

I would invent a good reason not to go personally. Cannot imagine what sort of people would judge people for not having enough money to give a big wadge of cash for a wedding gift and then bitch about it.

YouDoSomethingToMe · 26/06/2017 21:12

Evening doo means very little, if any food and buying your own drinks.
I would buy them a bottle of plonk and that's it.

whomovedmychocolate · 26/06/2017 21:19

OP - I recently went to a wedding with similar requests upfront. I got a very nice, quite small box of chocolates with a 'something to enjoy together when the dust settles on your wedding day'. And they LOVED it. Because they spent the weekend after the wedding knackered and eating chocolate. Which is, after all, best enjoyed lying down. You are overthinking this, if they will judge, well they'll do that anyway. Do what YOU think is right and sod em frankly.

magratvonlipwig · 27/06/2017 08:05

Def give the cash.
Whether you'd spend £ 5 10 15 50 or 100 on a gift, all they are saying is we have enough stuff.. we would rather combine all the cash for something we can choose ourselves.
So if you want to put £10 in tbe card thats £10 they can please themselves with.

Dont be intimidated

Youre not "buying" your entrance fee !

asfish · 27/06/2017 09:15

We asked for John Lewis vouchers for our wedding and got those and some cash, but only from day guest, I didn't get or expect anything from the night people, we didn't have a free bar so they were having to buy drinks etc themselves. We did put on food though.

I don't have an issue asking for cash for celebrations, with our children we ask people to put money in an ISA for birthdays which I think people don't mind as its clear it goes to the child and not in your wallet! Our view is with all the people invited to parties kids just get too many toys which they never play with and that you have to store in the house.

Luluandizzy · 27/06/2017 09:16

I would go and just take a small gift you can afford. If they bitch over you giving a gift then people will just think they are knob heads anyway. Chances are if you know they are the twisted types to make things up, everyone else will know that too x

Nimmykins · 27/06/2017 17:32

Guilty of this. However, we didn't expect anything. We just didn't need more stuff and hope don't for a nice holiday. Givenothing and have a nice evening.

Dianag111 · 27/06/2017 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hazandduck · 27/06/2017 17:41

Ick I hate invites with tacky poems and especially when they ask for money/specific gifts! I just find it so rude. I wouldn't go if I were you, just say you have a prior engagement, maybe send a card still?

I know everyone is different and it's one of those divisive topics because weddings are bloody pricy. On our invites we just said all we wanted was the pleasure of their company and have left it at that. We will know at our wedding in August how people have interpreted it lol!

Angeldt · 27/06/2017 17:44

I always think the very minimum you should give ( be it gift value or money ) would be the cost of your day/evening i.e the food you eat,cost of drink etc etc .

ForAllTheCows · 27/06/2017 17:45

We recently attended a wedding which also had a poem asking for money towards their honeymoon. We were invited to the whole thing, day and night. But having 3 children who weren't invited and not having much money spare, We felt £20 quid was the best we could afford so that was what we gave them. Whether they were disappointed by us, I don't know nor do I care. It's a gift, not a set entrance fee to grant you admission to their event. If they (rudely) expected more then they should have sold tickets instead of giving out invites. I have 3 more weddings this year and they will receive 10 or 20 maximum in their cards

howrudeforme · 27/06/2017 17:46

Blimey.

If you want to go, go. And if you feel you need to give a present a small cash or other gift should be fine.

I've seen some horrorendous comments re cash wedding gifts on mumsnet over the years but I think the attitude is softening as mumsnetters very slowly catch up with the variation of world views.

Personally I wouldn't mention gifts for evening invites but I think evening invites is quite a British thing.

If you go, please enjoy yourself OP.

Your presence and not presents is the main thing.

If not comfortable, then refuse the invite.

user1476641978 · 27/06/2017 17:46

Don't go. It's repulsive to ask for money as a wedding gift and especially for just the evening. Awful.

thenovice · 27/06/2017 17:49

Send an anonymous gift to their charity. Give them a card saying that you have sent a gift to the charity as you know it means so much to them. No need for them to know how much. Face saved. Ease them out of you life.

MommaGee · 27/06/2017 17:50

Just buy a nice present OP. It'll be nice to have something to remember the peesebts by after they've used the money for honeymoon, credit cards etx

NC4now · 27/06/2017 17:52

Repulsive? Really?

I hate poetry, full stop. No excuse for that bollocks, but if someone would prefer cash to a gift, I'm happy to do that.

I had one recently which was along the lines of "we have all we need and all we want is to share our day with you, but if you want to give a gift, a small contribution towards xyz would be appreciated."

I don't find that repulsive in the slightest.

Dibbles1967 · 27/06/2017 17:53

Give them a nice card & £10 worth of lottery tickets.

We went to a wedding last year (they'd been living together for years so didn't need household stuff - had a birdcage arrangement & the poem invitation suggested a contribution towards the honeymoon) Understand your dilemma though.

Went to the reception, cash bar & no evening buffet - seemed like invitation was to pad the honeymoon fund. Understandably can't turn up empty handed. If your'e not privvy to the main event, lottery tickets as mentioned, or have a personalised Ebay label printed for a bottle of Champagne & Slap it on a decent bottle of Cava. It's the thought that counts...