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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite/ begging poem.

294 replies

Rriot · 26/06/2017 10:08

We have been invited to a wedding. Evening invite only.

The invitation included a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. (Guests invited to the whole day didn't get a begging letter poem Hmm)

The bottom line is, we can't really afford to give cash. Generally I'd put my feelings about this type of request aside and give what was asked for but I think the very small amount we can afford to give will look mean.

My alternatives are to give a cheap but nice gift, or donate to the charity that I know is close to the family's heart. I don't want to give a wrapped present if we will be the only ones who do so, not sure how they will feel about a donation to charity.

WWYD?

OP posts:
RibenaMonsoon · 26/06/2017 10:10

Can you not give them the cash for whatever you were going to spend on them?

If you can't afford to give them cash how can you afford to donate to the charity?

waitforitfdear · 26/06/2017 10:10

Go and give what you can comfortable afford.

Crumbs1 · 26/06/2017 10:10

These things are tacky but if you can afford to give to charity then you can give them a monetary present. They asked for cash and that is what you should give - even if it's only a small amount.

KoalaDownUnder · 26/06/2017 10:12

I would give an inexpensive but nice gift. There is never anything wrong with that.

The fact that they 'requested cash' is irrelevant. They don't get to do that, unless you ask what they want; it's a gift, so it's at the giver's discretion.

hilbil21 · 26/06/2017 10:12

Can you afford £20 That's what we got off a few of our evening guests and I wasn't offended at all. A couple of them only gave a card.

Original poster
Rriot · 26/06/2017 10:20

Not really hilbil, that's more than we have to spend on ourselves for things we need at the moment and I do think £5-£10 cash will look mean. The only way I could give more is to give them a cash gift but decline our invitation.

They are the type of family who cry you down and make things up if anything isn't suiting them. I know that says more about them than it does me but I could do without the drama/ feeling embarrassed.

I figured I could get something special for very little money or that they couldnt really argue about any charity donation given that they bleat about how important it is constantly.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 26/06/2017 10:23

They are the type of family who cry you down and make things up if anything isn't suiting them.

This + asking for £ for an evening invitation = I wouldn't even go.

AtHomeDadGlos · 26/06/2017 10:27

Just give a card. Especially if you're only going to the evening part. You'll not be costing them a lot (as if that mattered) so don't need to feel obliged to give a gift. Besides, they won't find out until the day after the wedding.

handslikecowstits · 26/06/2017 10:28

They are the type of family who cry you down and make things up if anything isn't suiting them

Easy then. Politely decline and save yourselves some money.

AvoidingCallenetics · 26/06/2017 10:28

I don't understand why you are going to this. If you are struggling for money, an evening invitation is going to cost you - doubt the bar will be free if they are hitting you up for money.
Look, they are basically treating you like a cash cow. It's very rude to request money from guests, esp evening only guests, who should just be taking a token present imo.

SexandDrugsandaNiceCuppa · 26/06/2017 10:29

Evening invite = nice card only, or reasonably decent bottle of wine if I'm feeling generous. How can people demand cash from guests who they don't consider important enough to attend the main event? Bloody cheek.

Original poster
Rriot · 26/06/2017 10:30

I know it sounds ridiculous but I really don't think I can decline the invite.

It's a bit of an odd relationship but would cause alot of tension if we don't go.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/06/2017 10:30

I don't give gifts for an evening do. You're just there to make up numbers after all. A card will do.

If they're drama types I would avoid it completely.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 26/06/2017 10:32

Just take a nice card.
Unless you suspect a doorman will frisk you and no cash will =no entry??

KoalaDownUnder · 26/06/2017 10:32

Okay, if you can't decline: take a card and whatever gift you can afford.

Seriously, let them bitch. Safe in the knowledge you've done nothing wrong, and they will look like rude twats.

StripySocks1 · 26/06/2017 10:32

I would give a £10 bottle of prosecco as it's not going to clutter up their home if their poem is the 'we have everything we need' type. Then if they had the cheek to complain about it (which I highly doubt anyone would) it would only reflect poorly on them.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/06/2017 10:33

Then skint yourself and give in to them.

Harsh, yes but I'm trying to imbue you with strength to put a stop to this behaviour they inflict on you.

You don't go = tension = you giving into bullies.

Spam88 · 26/06/2017 10:35

Asking for gifts from evening guests isn't really the done thing is it 🙈 it's a shame they've made you feel the way you do, it shouldn't matter whether you take a gift or not. I think a little token gift is fine though, we had things like photo frames and key rings from some of our evening guests.

newnoo · 26/06/2017 10:37

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Tinnie88 · 26/06/2017 10:37

Just give a card and a bottle of fizz (£6 Sainsbury's own would be fine!) we got married last year and although we didn't specify any gifts would have hated to think one of our guests was in this dilemma. We have guests (day & evening) who just gave cards and this was fine! A bottle of fizz stops you going completely empty handed, doesn't cost a lot and will definitely get used (much more useful than 50 Mr/Mrs mugs/signs etc)

The only guests we were a bit 🙄 At is a very well off couple who always brag about money. We gave £65 to the year before at their wedding as we felt we had to given they were so well off and money has a lesser value to them. They gave us £20...a month late. The forgetting of the card was what got me. And even then I just put it down to their circumstances which could have changed and not because they are intentionally mean.

newnoo · 26/06/2017 10:38

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Morphene · 26/06/2017 10:39

Rriot you need to take a step back and a deep breath and decide if YOU want to attend.

If the answer is no then don't go. There is only one way to deal with people who bully you socially to the point you feel compelled to attend things and give gifts you can't afford - and that is to stand up to them.

I spent several years of my life being torn up between two people who both behaved in this way, to the point that I had no opinions of my own about what I actually liked to do in my spare time. It was shit and it was painful to get out of, but totally worth it.

thereallochnessmonster · 26/06/2017 10:40

Agree with newnoo

BadLad · 26/06/2017 10:40

Care to share the poem?Wink

BarbaraofSeville · 26/06/2017 10:42

If you want to go, go with nothing or a bottle of fizz to your budget - you can get cava or prosecco from £5/6 up in any supermarket that is perfectly lovely. Don't bother with photo frames, glasses etc, most people don't want or need them.

If you don't want to go, just don't go. No need for any angst or drama.