Wedding invite/ begging poem.

[Rriot]

We have been invited to a wedding. Evening invite only.

The invitation included a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. (Guests invited to the whole day didn't get a begging letter poem )

The bottom line is, we can't really afford to give cash. Generally I'd put my feelings about this type of request aside and give what was asked for but I think the very small amount we can afford to give will look mean.

My alternatives are to give a cheap but nice gift, or donate to the charity that I know is close to the family's heart. I don't want to give a wrapped present if we will be the only ones who do so, not sure how they will feel about a donation to charity.

WWYD?

Yes you're probably right Puzzled, I think things have changed a lot since my wedding(s). We actually had a gift lift 1st time, loads of small bits and still ended up with 3 toasters and other duplicates. XMIL bought 1 of anything that should be a pair to ensure she was only buying a gift for XH ie 1 pillow, 1 bath towel (but that's a completely different thread!)

@Designerenvy Most cash gifts are not anonymous.

As I said, indulge me...

How do people take the cash gifts they request?

Do they insist on a bank transfer, do they open your envelope when you're on the way in, and log how much everyone gives, so they can decide if they still want to be friends? 'Sue and Alan gave fifty quid, Liz and Keith gave a tenner. Cross Liz and Keith off the Christmas card list, and make sure they are sat far away from the buffet so there's only scraps left by the time they get to it!!!'

I seriously, GENUINELY do not see a issue with people requesting cash.

@Nina2b

Some people just don't get it, do they? You should be grateful for your gifts even if they are duplicated. Not being grateful and expecting money instead, is simply bad manners. The poem senders know you will be too embarrassed to give less than a certain amount in double figures

I should be grateful?!

I don't want 20 bloody toasters. It's a waste of my time and a waste of a friend or relative's money! They will all get given to a charity shop, or regifted, or binned. Far better if cash is given, even if it's only a tenner, as the bride and groom can pool it together and buy something decent and significant.

I ask again, all these awful people who have asked you people for cash gifts; how are the gifts taken in? Are the envelopes being opened, and each person's money logged? Are they requesting a bank transfer???

I seriously doubt that, and I am willing to bet that the couples in question just have a box similar to the one I posted a picture of.

People are being over dramatic and precious.

Nothing whatsoever wrong with requesting cash gifts. It makes sense if you don't need anything for the house. I have never ever in my life seen anyone DEMAND a cash gift as @youokhun stated upthread. People only ask...^ WTF is wrong with that?

And as for @puzzledandpissedoff saying peoples 'vulgar requests' are a 'smokescreen for greed.' What a load of utter bollocks.

If it's stressing you out so much, then don't go to the bloody wedding! I am sure people with the kind of attitude displayed by a few people on this thread won't be missed!

lanouvelle if the present value should equal the meal then round here in hotels it would be around £60!

Write them a poem explaining your situation in a nice, fun way and stick it in a card. Include lots of good wishes and niceties and maybe an invite to yours for after the honeymoon. That way, you're still blessing them and reciprocating without giving yourself financial or family difficulties. If they care about you at all, they will appreciate your situation and your effort. If you think they won't then definitely don't go.

However, if there's going to be an anonymous box for money, don't worry about it - just go and enjoy yourself.

As old uni friends and wedding guests of one couple we were asked for money towards a house deposit and honeymoon. It's awfully grabby, not something I expected of the bride at all.

Those are things to save for yourselves and perhaps close family to help with if they're able.

Dont go. It doesnt really matter how much "tension" it would cause. Why would you go to someones wedding anyway if you were that skint?

It definitely doesn't need to equal the meal. Our meals plus evening catering is £125 plus VAT per head. I would not expect to get that back from each couple!

Why is it grabby?

I don't get this at all.

I've been to many weddings and have never, ever been to one without a nicely worded pointer towards either a gift list or honeymoon donation. It's completely accepted British culture that one takes something to a wedding.

So presumably it's asking for a donation to a honeymoon rather than a gift list that's grabby? Why?

I literally have everything I need, any material gifts would be totally wasted so isn't it less grabby to have a donation towards a once in a lifetime experience rather than more material goods?

Notknown

I would imagine they would know who each cash gift came from because it would have been either in the wedding card, and therefore "Love from Aunty Dorothy", or a cheque. People also tend to say who's giving the gift because of the thank you cards.

Surely it is less grabby to ask for cash in this way "if you feel you have to" than to send out some lavish list from John Lewis or Selfridges? A friend of mine always gives the B&G a decanter I think this is quite rude as the gift is not tailored to their wishes.

And as for @puzzledandpissedoff saying peoples 'vulgar requests' are a 'smokescreen for greed.' What a load of utter bollocks

Or perhaps just a different opinion?

Unless of course your horror at the suggestion that a couple might be grateful for gifts suggests I touched a nerve ...

This is interesting! Not wanting to derail but I would consider £100 an absolute minimum amount for a wedding present for a formal occasion with a sit down meal. For a close friend, I'd spend nearer £300, family £400-500. Happy to be told I'm wrong, as it will save a fortune!

I don't get the anger about being invited to the evening party.

When the couple know a lot of people, it's not realistic to expect them to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception. Capacity is a factor as well as expense.

An evening party is a nice way to include all the people you would like to have invited, but couldn't.

We went to an evening do recently and they had asked for cash, which we took. But plenty of people took bottles. That's what I'd do in your situation!

I never give cash or vouchers, especially if its been begged for. So tacky and cringe inducing.

Bottle of fizz or whatever you had in mind is absolutely fine OP.

£100 on a wedding gift paying for their wedding for them fuck no. I dont even spend that on my kids at Christmas!!!

I love it when people request cash, tons easier than faffing about shopping for a gift! I don't find it offensive at all. We asked for no gifts for our wedding because it was in DH's country of birth so flights were about £100 pp even before other costs were factored in, but I wouldn't turn up to a wedding in the UK empty handed.

However, for evening-only invitees it's perfectly acceptable to only give a card - possibly a bottle of something if you're feeling generous, but it's not necessary.

We specifically put 'we don't expect any presents' on the invite.

A few people asked us to make a wedding list so we did and sent just to them.

One or two insisted on giving cash which we gratefully accepted.

It's rude to ask for anything. It's rude to complain about anything given in good faith. They sound like dramatic twits, just don't go.

People will give cash gifts anyway because it's tradition. To ask for it is tacky.

I'd have no problem in giving them a tenner OP

OP,

^"...they couldnt really argue about any charity donation given that they bleat about how important it is constantly."

Easy, then:

giftofawedding.org/about-our-charity/

Wedding-themed, an apolitical UK non-profit, knowledge they are your donation (no matter how small) is directly helping people during such a very tough time...nobody could possibly object, could they?
Only just found it via Google. Such a great idea, though.

An evening party is a nice way to include all the people you would like to have invited, but couldn't

I completely agree, and also have no problem at all with being asked just to an evening "wedding do" ... except, that is, when it's obvious it's just being used as a way to get a bit more cash

Good grief asking for evening guest gifts is

We did a cheesy poem asking for money and now I cringe and the thought of it and half want to contact everyone now (5 years on) and apologise. Not for the evening guests though!!

We did it as we were moving to a different country and I was not shipping anything over so didn't want to get things which would have emotional attachment for me that I'd have to leave in the U.K.

So I wouldn't give anything but if you feel like you have to then a tenner is fine. Probably over half of our guests didn't give us anything and plenty gave just £10. Didn't bother me at all. If they are then sack them off because they're grabby twats.

Oh, and I agree with Puzzled: evening invites are^ often solely down to constraints on guest numbers, and fair. Unless when done for sneaky motives!