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Original poster

Wedding invite/ begging poem.

294 replies

Rriot · 26/06/2017 10:08

We have been invited to a wedding. Evening invite only.

The invitation included a tacky poem asking for cash gifts. (Guests invited to the whole day didn't get a begging letter poem Hmm)

The bottom line is, we can't really afford to give cash. Generally I'd put my feelings about this type of request aside and give what was asked for but I think the very small amount we can afford to give will look mean.

My alternatives are to give a cheap but nice gift, or donate to the charity that I know is close to the family's heart. I don't want to give a wrapped present if we will be the only ones who do so, not sure how they will feel about a donation to charity.

WWYD?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 26/06/2017 13:01

I don't think anyone invites more people because they think it will illicit more presents. It's a risky strategy if they do.

If you invite someone, you will need to cater for them - venues won't allow you to invite a hundred guests and only put a buffet on for 50 and if not everyone brings a gift/cash or only gives a tenner a couple, they are likely to be out of pocket.

Epipgab · 26/06/2017 13:03

I wouldn't actually do this, but would be so tempted to send a tacky poem back Grin

You wrote to us asking for money
We assume it was meant to be funny

etc.

Realistically, I'd just take a card, or make a charity donation of an undisclosed amount as Pingu said.

Beelzebop · 26/06/2017 13:03

I would rather have you there without present, I am sure your friend feels the same!

Stopnamechanging · 26/06/2017 13:04

I don't think anyone invites more people because they think it will illicit more presents. It's a risky strategy if they do

My sister definitely did this. My parents paid and she ran amok with inviting anything be she could think of and included a very expensive guest list with day and evening invites.

Just awful.

Anatidae · 26/06/2017 13:07

d if not everyone brings a gift/cash or only gives a tenner a couple, they are likely to be out of pocket.

But the purpose of wedding guests is not to pay for the wedding. We asked for no presents and we got a few but probably a few hundred quids worth. Our guests weren't there to pay for the event - that was our responsibility. You don't invite people to pay for it.

I think some people do invite to elicit gifts...

usernamenonumber · 26/06/2017 13:09

when it's obvious it's just being used as a way to get a bit more cash

But it will have cost money to stage the event anyway.

In this case it doesn't even seem that the couple have asked for anything outright.

AppalazianWalzing · 26/06/2017 13:10

I think the issue is with asking for a present, and actually including that in the invitation.
It suggests there's a quid pro quo- we're only inviting you if you are willing to give us presents/cash.

We put nothing on invites, if people followed up and asked what they should get us we said we didn't need anything, would be happy with whatever people wanted. If people explicitly asked if we'd prefer cash which some did we said did already own a lot of house stuff so cash/vouchers would be handy.

We got a majority of cash/voucher gifts, a number of useful household items- a very funky set of wooden placemats, vases, picture frames, etc. - and some weird and wonderful things like prints. Even the stuff that isn't to my taste has grown on me because of what it represents. A few people didn't give us a gift: they had travelled from abroad and I was delighted they came and accepted we meant it when we said we didn't expect any presents. They spent so much coming to our wedding- we'd moved since we first knew them- I would have been embarrassed to get a present as well.

Our evening guests I really expected nothing from but we were given some bottles of prosecco, a book on house design (we'd just moved home so that was quite cool) and linen napkins which I thought was a genius idea as they're things I like having but resent spending money on.

I would agree to get a small gift so there's no blowback on you but don't stress about it, if they would cause hassle about it they have no manners and aren't weren't bothering about.

BarbaraofSeville · 26/06/2017 13:19

Just because they ask for a present, doesn't mean you have to get them one. No one fleeces you at the door and sends you away if you are empty handed.

The list is simply there to guide all those who will inevitably send an RSVP with a note saying 'can we please see your wedding list'.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/06/2017 13:21

Our guests weren't there to pay for the event - that was our responsibility. You don't invite people to pay for it

Exactly Smile

Yes, it would be unusual for anyone to attend a wedding empty handed, and yes it's lovely if guests choose to give money, but it's expecting it - or worse still sending horrible little poems to ensure it happens - which is the problem for me

thegreylady · 26/06/2017 13:22

10 new pound coins in a money box...

Paleninteresting · 26/06/2017 13:34

As the circumstances around weddings have changed dramatically over the last 50 years, I believe the whole notion of wedding gifts has become twisted.
Gifts were for the happy couple to set up a new home from scratch. How often does this happen now?
I have asked for donations to charity only if people wish and no presents. This is my second marriage and it would be extremely grabby to ask for more than we currently have both worked for.
OP give what you want to/can and no more.

Bonez · 26/06/2017 14:10

It's not compulsory Hmm. If they are basically saying if you were PLANNING to get them a gift that they'd prefer cash. They're not demanding you give them cash?

hilbil21 · 26/06/2017 18:00

What PP said. Give a bottle. We got 4 or 5 bottles of cheap champagne/wine/prosecco and were thankful for each one

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 26/06/2017 18:39

I can't believe a few posters in this thread "don't understand" the problem with asking other people to give you cash.

Fishwiife · 26/06/2017 18:44

We had this at our wedding, although no cheesy poem, none of the evening guests gave money even though we had a free bar. I didn't think it was weird, just nice they came

LilQueenie · 26/06/2017 18:46

The poem said 'IF' so don't. Its not your fault you didnt feel the need.

HappyFlappy · 26/06/2017 18:48

People then put an envelope in with a tenner or a hundred pounds, or fifty pounds, or two hundred pounds, or a fiver, whatever they could afford. The bride and groom were grateful for anything and nobody knew what anyone had put in. The cash was put in a blank envelope - provided on the way in if you didn't already have one - and you could just put what you wanted in

If it's going to be cash, then this is the way it should be done. No pressure on anyone to give more than they want to or can afford, and only the shadow knows who gave how much.

daisychain01 · 26/06/2017 18:50

Give them a post dated cheque, then if you go along and it's a crap do and they're horrible to you in the meantime ....

You can cancel the cheque.

daisychain01 · 26/06/2017 18:51
Grin
MarvelGirl · 26/06/2017 18:53

I have bought a nice photo frame (if I know weddings are coming up means I can look far in advance and fond really really nice ones in a sale!) And asked someone who attended the day to send me a picture... before I go to the reception nip to a supermarket and get an instant print. They have a thoughtful gift and for not very much money! I even usually ask them to open it there and then and they're usually thrilled & even show it off by showing people or putting it in display near the cake or something!

ComputerUserNotTrained · 26/06/2017 19:01

Arf @ cancel the cheque!
they
Clearly I've not RTFT (so sue me) but I got riled by the "You're just there to make up numbers" thing about evening guests.

Lots of couples would like to invite everyone to their wedding, but can't afford to. So they have a ceremony and breakfast for a smaller number (closest family, obligatories, those who are having to travel a long way) and then open up the list to all the rest of the people, often the ones they really want to celebrate with. It's only on MN that people get so pissy about evening invitations.

ffauxlivia · 26/06/2017 19:05

If they are decent people they won't mind if you don't give anything, or give a small amount.

We asked for cash - well, we said we didn't want anything but if they really wanted to give then cash towards our honeymoon was best, as we were about to emigrate abroad to a tiny apartment and were downsizing.

Some people gave £10, some gave over £100, and I was equally grateful for every penny. Some people decided to give small or handmade gifts instead which were also very much appreciated. Some probably gave nothing but I don't remember who they were so definitely didn't think it was a big deal. I was just so grateful for everyone's presence and I think the majority of people would feel the same. Especially not the evening guests - didn't expect anything from them.

Jayfee · 26/06/2017 19:06

A gift

chocolateworshipper · 26/06/2017 19:09

Haven't RTFT, but I would do a donation to a charity that means something to them. Then you can tell them you've donated without needing to mention the amount. Nothing wrong with donating £5.

littleemma1 · 26/06/2017 19:09

I'm actually really angered by half of these comments! This person has asked for cash for a reason, because there's absolutely no point in them getting meaningless presets for their home which will in no doubt just sit there not getting used!
You don't HAVE to give them money, it's a REQUEST. You could always send them a card with whatever you can afford and explain to them in person how you feel.
Myself and OH are currently planning our wedding and have already decided we would rather have cash to put towards something in the house like renovating the kitchen than having pointless little items that we don't want/like/need! I often feel these "wish lists" that people put together are worse as you're actually putting a price tag on something rather than just asking people to give what they can afford.
If it means that much then speak to the person in question before the day and explain to them, see what their reaction is and then make your decision from there.
But to all of you judging because they've asked for cash, disgusting!