Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To go to the police

172 replies

toomuchshit · 25/06/2017 19:19

As some of you may know I posted last week when a neighbour wouldn't take no for an answer. I've told a couple of people I class as friends (or did) what happened and have had mixed responses.

Im now less raw than I was and now im questioning myself on whether i'm over reacting or not.

I am going to post exactly what has happened and I will read all responses. If people post negatively please dont report it because i need to see all the opinions because in the RW I wont be able to just delete it.

He started messaging me on facebook as neighbours. Just general chat. He would help with my garden because it was just me and I wasnt able to do it. I always offered to pay or id by him cigarette or a few drinks. His parner obviously know about this. He would help with heavy lifting and stuff I needed help with.
I met somebody and he stopped messaging and obviously I didn't need help with stuff anymore.

Once that relationship ended he started messaging me again and said if I ever fancied a chat he was normally out the back. He told me my ex would regret it and would soon realise him mistake because I was so nice. He started messaging just general stuff like asking how i was and what i was doing.
I started a new relationship but he wasn't at mine much so he went back to helping me out with stuff.
He then started joking about coming in for wine and little inuendos. Like if you get too warm ill come help cool you down. Then he asked me not to tell his partner we were talking. At that point I said there was nothing to tell. He said she just would be pissed off because he was messaging nice ladies.

Then he started pushing the chat a bit. I would tell him to behave and he would say hes just messing about and he didn't mean anything by it.
He kept saying he liked it when I was out because it made his day if he saw me. I let him know that my boyfriend really wouldn't be impressed if he knew the way he was talking to me He just said he was offering to "help out when he wasn't about". I said no thanks and I was happy the way it was.
He persisted some more and every time i called him on it i ended up feeling like i had misread it and he was just joking.
He then started asking for a pic without my top on. I said no repeatedly.
He found out my relationship had ended. I wasn't in a good place and to be honest I was drinking more than I should have been. He ended up sending me a dick pic after i told him not to. I told him there was only 1 dick i was interested in doing anything with and I wouldnt do anything that would risk myself and xdp getting back together.
Then 1 night I flirted back and stupidly sent a picture (i dont even remember doing it but it was clear i must have because it was on my phone). I told him I shouldnt have sent it ad I didnt want to do anything. He told me he thought I was perfect and that he would wait for me my response was just lol.
He said he wouldn't force me and he was happy just being friends. I was ok with that. I asked him for some tips on driving because i was going for my first lesson and he said once he got his son to bed he would help me out. It got late so I had a few drinks. He messaged me to tell me he was out the back and asked if i fancied going out and having a drink. I said ok, it was a nice hot night and I only had the 1 bottle left. We stood outside and spoke for a while. Every now and again he asked me to flash him. I repeatedly said no. He was in his garden and I was in mine. There's a communal path separating them so i wasn't that concerned. Just as I had said I was going to head in he climbed the gate and said he would take my bottle to the bin but he said for me to wait a sec till he got back. When he got back he pulled my top out and looked down it then he kissed me. I just froze and couldnt do anything. He was close now and i was scared because I know that no doesn't work i had said it so many times and he hadnt listened. He said to go into the kitchen and I kept saying no. He said the only way ill let you get to bed is if you let me in so I can have a feel. He said it in a jokey way but I was scared so I let him in. He took my top off and groped and kissed my breasts. He put my hand down his trousers and used it to wank with.
There was a noise upstairs and I said it will be the kids needing the toilet. He left and I haven't had a message since

OP posts:
StormTreader · 27/06/2017 12:41

"Anything can happen to me and I can't do anything about it. I can't protect myself."

I know it feels like that, but you can - you have much more power than you think. What you CANT do is do anything about it while also doing everything that other people want you to do. If youre constantly trying to keep other people happy then youre not allowing yourself to say "No", and thats when people take advantage of you. When you start protecting yourself, some other people probably wont be happy about it, thats their problem not yours. You are not the first person in their life to ever not do what they want, you wont be the last. You arent damaging or being unfair to anyone by saying "No, sorry".

Start saying No to things you dont want, even just tiny things, see how it feels. I bet the world doesnt fall in.

JamPasty · 27/06/2017 12:43

toomuchshit You are not too broken to fix, no one is. It may take time, it may be hard, but it's possible. You do matter - anonymous people on the internet who you have never met care about you, because you are worthy of being cared about. Do you have a GP you can talk to, and can you get on the list to get counselling? Just take one step at a time. Do at least once nice thing for yourself each day (cup of tea, play a song you like, etc), and really pay attention to the things you say to yourself. It's really hard to do at first, but with practice, you start noticing when you are thinking negative things about yourself, and when you notice it, you can say stop and think "no!, I wouldn't say this to another person, so I don't say it to myself". Remind yourself of your good points - it may be hard at first as you are unused to it, but start with things like "I got through the day", "I made myself a cup of tea", etc. Keep doing it - it helps I promise

HipsterHunter · 27/06/2017 12:49

I wouldn't put yourself through the police interviews though as CPS would not prosecute based on what you have said. You say you have messages but presumably he has the picture you sent. You would be putting yourself and your family through a lot of heartache for nothing.

^^^This

Seriously ,why the fuck did you continue talking to this man?

Every now and again he asked me to flash him. I repeatedly said no.

This isn't normal you know. pretty low life people you are hanging out with if you think it is normal to carry on talking to someone who is 'asking you to flash them'.

GladAllOver · 27/06/2017 12:58

It seems you repeatedly said no, but stayed talking to him. A creep like him will take that as a tease or a come-on.
If this starts to happen again with a man, as soon as you have to say no, turn around and leave. Don't stay around and give him the chance to try again.
And stop the messaging.

StormTreader · 27/06/2017 13:02

Leaving a conversation when the other person doesnt want you to is awkward though for a people-pleaser, its not always easy to have someone tell you forcefully to stay or be persuasive that you should stay and to leave anyway. Its coping with that awkwardness and feeling of not doing what they want and yet doing it anyway that therapy needs to try and help with.

toomuchshit · 27/06/2017 19:08

I know I need to work on setting bounderies

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 27/06/2017 19:35

This neighbour has been evil, and you have been stupid.
Evil is always worse than stupid.
Chin up OP. Life will get better, as will you.

TheFatOfTheLand · 27/06/2017 19:45

I know I need to work on setting bounderies

Yes. Yes you do, not only for your own sake but that of your daughter. You need to model the behaviour that you want her to follow. You are having CBT and have an advocate from Rape Crisis so please do all you can to access assertiveness courses.

He messaged me to tell me he was out the back and asked if i fancied going out and having a drink. I said ok, it was a nice hot night and I only had the 1 bottle left

I think you need to ask for help around alcohol too. You were too drunk to even remember sending him the topless picture yet you are a single parent in charge of your child. A couple of drinks is one thing but being so blind drunk you can't remember sending topless pics is another.

You can do this OP, you and your daughter are worth so much more than this Flowers

RJnomore1 · 27/06/2017 20:47

Love I'm on holiday just now but I've just read your other thread properly and I live very near to you I think. Pm me if you need.

Flisspaps · 27/06/2017 21:42

Some of the comments here are fucking atrocious.

It doesn't matter if OP sent him a topless pic, flirted with him, shared a conversation or a glass of wine. Even if she'd previously shagged him in the street - what he did was sexual assault and nothing that happened on any previous occasion changes that nor is it the OPs fault.

He is in the wrong, and any attempt to suggest otherwise is victim blaming.

Shame on those of you who have tried to suggest OP is responsible. Fucking shame on you.

toomuchshit · 27/06/2017 21:54

The alcohol thing really isn't an issue. I know that's what they all say but when I said I had a bottle left it was just a small bottle of kopparberg. I dont drink much and certainly not when I have my daughter. She was at her dad's. I was going through (still am) a really difficult break up and I had a few glasses of wine. Then I took a sleeping tablet because I needed to make sure I slept. I woke up to see I had sent the picture.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/06/2017 22:44

Flisspaps: I really don't see people telling the OP this was her fault so stop planting that seed in her mind. I think everyone agrees that it clearly WAS sexual assault when he stuck his hand down her top uninvited. What people on this thread can't seem to get clear in their heads is that people are advising that this was a situation that OP might have been able to avoid if she were better emotionally equipped to rebuff his sleazy advances. People are concerned that unless the OP learns how to deal with unwanted attention with sleazy opportunists then this could potentially happen again. Which is exactly what the OP thinks is inevitable. Everyone is telling her that it is NOT inevitable and that she need help from her counsellor to work through how her lack of awareness.

Even the OP agrees with this!

TheFatOfTheLand · 28/06/2017 07:28

She was at her dad's

Ah right, I assumed she was there because you said in your OP "There was a noise upstairs and I said it will be the kids needing the toilet" I now realise you, presumably, said that so he would leave, rather than because it was actually true.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 28/06/2017 08:13

I remember your previous thread OP.

I really think you need some counselling OP as you struggle to put up and keep boundaries.

Ideally as soon as he made a sexual comment you should've said 'excuse me that's not an appropriate comment to make - I'm not interested' and if he done it again, blank him and just have said hello/nice weather when coming from the car etc.

Yes you did send mixed messages but that 1) doesn't mean it was OK and 2) doesn't mean he didn't push boundaries.

Like I said on the previous thread I too struggle with boundaries.

I laugh off innuendos and avoid confrontation. But I'm concerned about him sending a dick pic (cringe at the thought) and still spoke to him as it's past innuendo then.

I hope you don't mind me saying but quite a few of these instances could've been saved by not drinking. I think you should consider staying sober for a while. When you have kids and the only one to be able to help, getting really drunk could be really bad if they got ill/hurt etc.

How he behaved was wrong in so many ways.

I think you should just avoid him but don't barricade yourself in the house - that's really going to confuse/worry the kids.

NewDayDawning · 28/06/2017 08:35

You need to avoid this man and stop asking him for help and favours.

You did not deserve what happened, and you need to protect yourself from it happening again. Avoid him, if he bothers you again, tell his wife.

toomuchshit · 28/06/2017 13:33

I've deleted him off Facebook. I have no intention on speaking to him again.
I'm trying to move but it's not easy. Finding private lets that accept pets and dss is pretty impossible. Especially when you have no guarantor. It's just feeling really hopeless at the moment

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 30/06/2017 21:22

How's it going toomuch?

SpiritedLondon · 30/06/2017 21:52

I hadn't realised there were so many legal experts on MN. Unless you work for the police or the CPS I would suggest it's unhelpful to predict the outcome of any investigation. keep an open mind OP and save anything you have on your phone.

SpiritedLondon · 30/06/2017 21:57

why are posters focusing on the fact that the OP had had a drink. That is bull shit victim blaming at its finest. Next time you have a drink people is that a red light for some bloke to stick his hand down your top and touch you? It even has an official name it's called " Rape Myth Acceptance". My advice would be to ease off.

BillyDaveysDaughter · 30/06/2017 22:19

Anyone with an ounce of empathy or compassion can surely feel OPs pain and anguish. She is fragile, vulnerable, and was exploited by someone more forceful because she has difficulty asserting herself.

Toomuch I hear you. The guy is an arse, all you did wrong was to trust that he might behave like a decent human being when you were confused and sending mixed messages when inebriated. There should have been some doubt in his mind, and he should not have touched you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're human, you deserve to be treated with respect. You sound so lost and defeated but don't give up, keep going with the counselling...it doesn't have to be like this. Things will get better but you have to believe that they will.
Flowers

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 30/06/2017 22:57

toomuchshit, reading your previous thread you said "Nobody listens when I say no, not just when sex is concerned but anything". I don't mean to be patronising, but have you considered assertiveness training alongside your counselling? You also said you "have a fear of confrontation", yet having clear boundaries and sticking to your guns is not confrontational, it's assertive and self-preserving.

I have been getting cbt. It's not helping I think I'm too broken to fix.
I doubt you're too broken to fix, rather the style of counselling isn't right for you. I gather it's offered on the NHS as some sort of quick fix (ie cheap); it works for some but not everyone.

It seems you repeatedly said no, but stayed talking to him. A creep like him will take that as a tease or a come-on.
Unfortunately this is the case. I don't think it's necessarily victim blaming to be aware of how actions can affect the outcome of situations either. OP needs to know how to avoid this sort of thing happening again and that means looking at whether her behaviour was a factor. Her lack of boundaries are an abusers dream unfortunately, and to pretend otherwise will not help her develop the skills to avoid similar happening again.

toomuchshit · 01/07/2017 14:05

Things aren't good. Im stuck where I am. Moving doesn't seem to be an option until the council offer me somewhere. That could be months. Ive been getting CBT for over a year, councling for years. Ive been on AD for So long and I'm on the highest dose they can give me.

Ive thought about dropping it all and trying to pretend it didn't happen but I know that will mess my head up more.
I don't know what to do. I need to move but I can't

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page