To go to the police

[toomuchshit]

As some of you may know I posted last week when a neighbour wouldn't take no for an answer. I've told a couple of people I class as friends (or did) what happened and have had mixed responses.

Im now less raw than I was and now im questioning myself on whether i'm over reacting or not.

I am going to post exactly what has happened and I will read all responses. If people post negatively please dont report it because i need to see all the opinions because in the RW I wont be able to just delete it.

He started messaging me on facebook as neighbours. Just general chat. He would help with my garden because it was just me and I wasnt able to do it. I always offered to pay or id by him cigarette or a few drinks. His parner obviously know about this. He would help with heavy lifting and stuff I needed help with.
I met somebody and he stopped messaging and obviously I didn't need help with stuff anymore.

Once that relationship ended he started messaging me again and said if I ever fancied a chat he was normally out the back. He told me my ex would regret it and would soon realise him mistake because I was so nice. He started messaging just general stuff like asking how i was and what i was doing.
I started a new relationship but he wasn't at mine much so he went back to helping me out with stuff.
He then started joking about coming in for wine and little inuendos. Like if you get too warm ill come help cool you down. Then he asked me not to tell his partner we were talking. At that point I said there was nothing to tell. He said she just would be pissed off because he was messaging nice ladies.

Then he started pushing the chat a bit. I would tell him to behave and he would say hes just messing about and he didn't mean anything by it.
He kept saying he liked it when I was out because it made his day if he saw me. I let him know that my boyfriend really wouldn't be impressed if he knew the way he was talking to me He just said he was offering to "help out when he wasn't about". I said no thanks and I was happy the way it was.
He persisted some more and every time i called him on it i ended up feeling like i had misread it and he was just joking.
He then started asking for a pic without my top on. I said no repeatedly.
He found out my relationship had ended. I wasn't in a good place and to be honest I was drinking more than I should have been. He ended up sending me a dick pic after i told him not to. I told him there was only 1 dick i was interested in doing anything with and I wouldnt do anything that would risk myself and xdp getting back together.
Then 1 night I flirted back and stupidly sent a picture (i dont even remember doing it but it was clear i must have because it was on my phone). I told him I shouldnt have sent it ad I didnt want to do anything. He told me he thought I was perfect and that he would wait for me my response was just lol.
He said he wouldn't force me and he was happy just being friends. I was ok with that. I asked him for some tips on driving because i was going for my first lesson and he said once he got his son to bed he would help me out. It got late so I had a few drinks. He messaged me to tell me he was out the back and asked if i fancied going out and having a drink. I said ok, it was a nice hot night and I only had the 1 bottle left. We stood outside and spoke for a while. Every now and again he asked me to flash him. I repeatedly said no. He was in his garden and I was in mine. There's a communal path separating them so i wasn't that concerned. Just as I had said I was going to head in he climbed the gate and said he would take my bottle to the bin but he said for me to wait a sec till he got back. When he got back he pulled my top out and looked down it then he kissed me. I just froze and couldnt do anything. He was close now and i was scared because I know that no doesn't work i had said it so many times and he hadnt listened. He said to go into the kitchen and I kept saying no. He said the only way ill let you get to bed is if you let me in so I can have a feel. He said it in a jokey way but I was scared so I let him in. He took my top off and groped and kissed my breasts. He put my hand down his trousers and used it to wank with.
There was a noise upstairs and I said it will be the kids needing the toilet. He left and I haven't had a message since

OP this person is not your friend. You have been assaulted and need emotional support, is there anyone you can trust in the real world? Clearly not this person who sounds incredibly selfish and only concerned with the impact it will have on them

I don't think it's as simple as she's not your friend, she sounds quite scared tbh,is there any reason for her to be scared of the family?

MistyMean There would never have been evidence in the first place. It would always be my word against his. Thats why rape and sexual assault are so hard to prove. The pic was stupid but does that mean he can do what the hell he wants to me?

how may times do I need to say no before it is accepted as no? Is there a specific number so I can make sure I say it that many times if im ever in that situation again

OP no always means no and you should only have to say it once

Well yes, he clearly assaulted you. But I also have to say that I was cringing most of the way through your post. Whoever said about mixed messages was absolutely right. You kept saying you weren't interested and most other people would leave it there and give him a wide berth the minute it became clear he was interested in you sexually. However you seemed to go back each time for what? more attention? The photo you sent - frankly I'm gobsmacked at this and have no idea why you would have done this had you truly not been interested.

No he should not have done what he did at all and he's a sleazebag who displayed sleazebag behaviour all the way along. But you will have a hard time convincing others that you weren't interested in his advances if you didn't avoid him from the first opportunity.

I think mixed messages definitely- But he shouldn't have touched you in that way when you made it clear you didn't want to. Shame you sent the picture, why on earth did you?

Cos im stupid, pathetic, weak and every other awful thing you can think of me. I dont know why i sent it, i was pissed. I dont cope with confrontation, i also find it very difficult that somebody would even be interested in me in the first place which is why when he said he was joking I believed him. Its my own fault and I just need to get on with things. I have only just decided I could say no after 18 years. At least now I know that it only works for other people

OP, he sent you a dick pic but yet you're later chatting and drinking with him in the garden like nothing happened? He told you to wait till he got back from going to the bin? That was the point you could have gone into the house if you think he was a bit of a threat. But you waited for him like he suggested. It's totally mixed messages.

As I say he is a sleaze and did wrong, but I suggest you get yourself some counselling, to explore why you kept up contact with him the minute it was obvious he was trying to get into your knickers.

I really think you need to talk to someone professional about all this OP, maybe Rape Crisis as another PP suggested. It sounds like you are very vulnerable, and you can't risk being in this situation again in future. I'm glad you have a good friend to support you.

He then started asking for a pic without my top on. I said no repeatedly.

This was the point when you should have drawn the line and stopped messaging a man who has a partner. Continuing to engage with him made him think you found that request acceptable even if you didn't acquiesce.

That, however, does NOT excuse what he did to you.

Report it to the Police but be prepared for a gruelling interview and, if it gets to court, the Defence lawyer will rip you to shreds I'm afraid based on your messages and the picture you sent.

Sorry you had to go through this

You're not stupid, pathetic or weak, OP, but I do think a good counsellor would be able to increase your self-esteem and self-confidence.

I really hope your ex-dp is not as much of a twatty sleaze bag as your neighbour.

I'm horrified by the way the OP is being treated in this thread.

He groomed her. He put constant pressure on her, and made her feel uncertain, and bad for saying no, and he kept on and on. She didn't lead him on, FFS. She kept on telling him no and he did it anyway. Yes, sending the picture was a mistake. But she was coerced into it, and telling her how she led him on is victim-blaming and inappropriate.

Cos im stupid, pathetic, weak and every other awful thing you can think of me. I dont know why i sent it

You aren't stupid, pathetic or weak. You were victimised. You were sexually assaulted. The man's dangerous. You don't know what to think because he's been bullying and grooming you for so long now.

Speak to Rape Crisis. Tell them everything. Talk to them about whether or not you should go to the police. (I probably would but it's your decision to make.) And don't listen to the people on this thread who are giving you a hard time. They don't understand how insidious his behaviour was.

He groomed you for sure
He took advantage of your drinking and drunk state
The person who messaged you is absolutely not a friend at all what a horrible selfish person
Honestly if I was your friend I'd say it's concerning that you got so drunk you can't remember sending tit pics and for your safety purposes you need to stay alert and sober to deal with any thing that happens from now on
If you are renting , move ASAP

No my exdp couldn't be better. He just doesn't feel the same way about me. Ive been having counselling for years. Maybe some people just cant be fixed

I don't condone what this guy did in any way but you have encouraged him by replying to messages when you could see he was sleazy and hiding things from his partner even to the extent of sending him a topless picture. Of course, you should have been able to say no but you haven't been very good at it so he's the type to think you didn't mean it and then you let him into your house. It will be your word against his and he has the picture to show the police that you are more than friends. I would say very loudly in front of both neighbours in the garden that you are moving as soon as possible because you do not feel safe in your own home due to the constant innuendoes and harassment you are getting from the bloke and let his partner sort him out.

op, if you didn't want anything to do with him why then send him an explicit photo and then go and have a drink with him. Can you see that he may have interpreted this a bit differently? Especially given he sounds like a pest. What were you thinking? At the first sign of unwanted attention I would have cut him off, told him in no uncertain terms to stay away from me and never spoken to him again.

Also, from your friends text it sounds like you are mixed up with a family that has a bad reputation. Will there be repercussions for you and your family if you involve the police in this? This is something to consider because I doubt given what you said and the photo you sent him that this would come to anything. I think in your situation I would move away and try and make a fresh start somewhere else.

You sheet back and back for more though, you said no but carried on having time alone with him. He was wrong but you did give very mixed signals. For the future, if you aren't interested keep it at a sober level and if it gets to the point of what it did way before the dick pic, pull all contact. That way you retain the control and you won't be in such a shit situation. Don't let it get this far. You might not get away with having had a quick grope and kiss next time.

Sorry OP, massive cross post. Maybe if you are having counselling get them to focus more on developing these kinds of boundaries and exploring how to avoid these kinds of situations

The CPS would not authorise a prosecution in these circumstances. However you can complain to the police that this man has been harassing you to the point where you are afraid to go out if he is around. Request the police to issue a warning or at least talk to him. If he attempts to approach you after that you can call the police and expect a response.
Good luck
PS do take care in future. Too much inappropriate behaviour is explained away by "it was only a joke" which if accepted, leads to the boundaries being pushed even further