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AIBU?

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To go to the police

172 replies

toomuchshit · 25/06/2017 19:19

As some of you may know I posted last week when a neighbour wouldn't take no for an answer. I've told a couple of people I class as friends (or did) what happened and have had mixed responses.

Im now less raw than I was and now im questioning myself on whether i'm over reacting or not.

I am going to post exactly what has happened and I will read all responses. If people post negatively please dont report it because i need to see all the opinions because in the RW I wont be able to just delete it.

He started messaging me on facebook as neighbours. Just general chat. He would help with my garden because it was just me and I wasnt able to do it. I always offered to pay or id by him cigarette or a few drinks. His parner obviously know about this. He would help with heavy lifting and stuff I needed help with.
I met somebody and he stopped messaging and obviously I didn't need help with stuff anymore.

Once that relationship ended he started messaging me again and said if I ever fancied a chat he was normally out the back. He told me my ex would regret it and would soon realise him mistake because I was so nice. He started messaging just general stuff like asking how i was and what i was doing.
I started a new relationship but he wasn't at mine much so he went back to helping me out with stuff.
He then started joking about coming in for wine and little inuendos. Like if you get too warm ill come help cool you down. Then he asked me not to tell his partner we were talking. At that point I said there was nothing to tell. He said she just would be pissed off because he was messaging nice ladies.

Then he started pushing the chat a bit. I would tell him to behave and he would say hes just messing about and he didn't mean anything by it.
He kept saying he liked it when I was out because it made his day if he saw me. I let him know that my boyfriend really wouldn't be impressed if he knew the way he was talking to me He just said he was offering to "help out when he wasn't about". I said no thanks and I was happy the way it was.
He persisted some more and every time i called him on it i ended up feeling like i had misread it and he was just joking.
He then started asking for a pic without my top on. I said no repeatedly.
He found out my relationship had ended. I wasn't in a good place and to be honest I was drinking more than I should have been. He ended up sending me a dick pic after i told him not to. I told him there was only 1 dick i was interested in doing anything with and I wouldnt do anything that would risk myself and xdp getting back together.
Then 1 night I flirted back and stupidly sent a picture (i dont even remember doing it but it was clear i must have because it was on my phone). I told him I shouldnt have sent it ad I didnt want to do anything. He told me he thought I was perfect and that he would wait for me my response was just lol.
He said he wouldn't force me and he was happy just being friends. I was ok with that. I asked him for some tips on driving because i was going for my first lesson and he said once he got his son to bed he would help me out. It got late so I had a few drinks. He messaged me to tell me he was out the back and asked if i fancied going out and having a drink. I said ok, it was a nice hot night and I only had the 1 bottle left. We stood outside and spoke for a while. Every now and again he asked me to flash him. I repeatedly said no. He was in his garden and I was in mine. There's a communal path separating them so i wasn't that concerned. Just as I had said I was going to head in he climbed the gate and said he would take my bottle to the bin but he said for me to wait a sec till he got back. When he got back he pulled my top out and looked down it then he kissed me. I just froze and couldnt do anything. He was close now and i was scared because I know that no doesn't work i had said it so many times and he hadnt listened. He said to go into the kitchen and I kept saying no. He said the only way ill let you get to bed is if you let me in so I can have a feel. He said it in a jokey way but I was scared so I let him in. He took my top off and groped and kissed my breasts. He put my hand down his trousers and used it to wank with.
There was a noise upstairs and I said it will be the kids needing the toilet. He left and I haven't had a message since

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 25/06/2017 22:34

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Thinkingofausername1 · 25/06/2017 22:35

Omg you need to report him!! He could be doing it to other neighbors or has done it. If you speak up you could protect other women

carjacker1985 · 25/06/2017 22:36

Disgusting victim blaming on this thread.

OP, you are not weak, you are a victim and what happened to you is 100% the fault of that pervert.

Please speak to someone about this, get some counselling. But don't ever ever blame yourself or wonder if you led him on because YOU DID NOT.

I am actually horrified at some of the responses on this thread, some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

OlennasWimple · 25/06/2017 22:36

I agree help with enforcing boundaries coukd be helpful, but i object to posters telling the OP that she was enjoying the attention and leading him on - which has the clear implication that she was "asking for it"

carjacker1985 · 25/06/2017 22:37

RedHelenB- I do not believe that OP enjoyed the attention, rather that she was groomed and manipulated and vulnerable, however ever if she did like the attention... that doesn't excuse sexual assault ever. So keep your victim blaming to yourself, the OP needs help and support not to be made to feel like she's done something wrong.

BarbarianMum · 25/06/2017 22:39

Only one poster has claimed that though Olenna (albeit repeatedly).

RedHelenB · 25/06/2017 22:42

On all replies I have said it was sexual assault so no not victim blaming. But putting all the blame on his advances on him when she was flirting with him (sending a nude pic) is unfair.OP is an adult so not sure about the term grooming.

SaltySalt · 25/06/2017 22:44

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Queenelsarules · 25/06/2017 22:46

I think people are missing the point here, we do not need to examine the op's behaviour in the run up to the assault, she did not consent to what happened and repeatedly said no, this is clear from her post.

OP I'm really sorry this happened to you, I really think you would benefit from speaking to rape crisis if you feel able, there are experienced people at the end of the phone who will listen, not judge and talk you through the process should you wish to press charges. You have been bullied, manipulated and groomed but this man.

OlennasWimple · 25/06/2017 22:46

"Didn't help", Salty? FFS Angry

Italiangreyhound · 25/06/2017 22:46

Red many women might end up doing things they do not enjoy. especially women who have been abused in the past.

carjacker1985 · 25/06/2017 22:47

Victim blaming is nothing to do with whether or not you recognise that something is sexual assault, it's to do with saying things like "putting all the blame on his advances when she was flirting" like she somehow wanted to get assaulted?? Victim blaming. Also you don't have to be a child in order to be groomed, don't be so ridiculous.

SaltySalt- reporting you too for victim blaming.

RedHelenB · 25/06/2017 22:48

Op mentioned flirting in her first post. She also asked for opinions Everyone agreed it was sexual assault.

carjacker1985 · 25/06/2017 22:49

Yes but the point is IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER OR NOT SHE WAS FLIRTING SHE DIDNT CONSENT TO BEING ASSUALTED

Italiangreyhound · 25/06/2017 22:51

Agree that speaking to rape crisis would 've a good idea.

Whether the OP flirted or not, drank sent photo (singular) or not, none of that means she should consent to something sexual she does not want! She did not consent. it was an assault.

OP I really hope you will decide what is best for you 're reporting etc. I agree with previous poster he may be doing this to others. That is not your fault or responsibility but it may give you closure, when you feel safe to do so, to report him.

TheFatOfTheLand · 25/06/2017 22:54

I was going to repeat that nobody is victim blaming but, yes, there's always one.

The OP needs to think about how this is likely to pan out if the Police or courts are involved.

They will question why she continued to interact with him after he repeatedly asked for topless pics when she repeatedly said no.

They will question why she then sent him the pics he asked for when she'd already said no. That will be portrayed by the Defence as playing hard to get.

They will question why she didn't block him after he sent her a dick pic and continued to interact with him.

They will question why she then met him outside in the dark to drink alcohol with him behind his partner's back.

They will question why she didn't shout out or try to stop him when he started being physical with her.

They will say that once he stopped messaging her she became the 'woman scorned' and this is her revenge.

Now, we might understand why she may have done all of the above but no jury in the world is going to convict him.

Patriciathestripper1 · 25/06/2017 23:01

Agree with saltysaltI wouldn't go to the police either op.
Drinking, flirting messaging, keeping it secret from his wife, exchanging nude pics and drinking with him and inviting him round/waiting for him to come over even after you said he made you uncomfortable haven't done you any favours tbh.
Unwanted attention is never a good thing and should have been stamped on from the start.
You have had a lucky escape tbh it could have gone much worse.
I would totally avoid him from now on and think about moving.
I'd cut way down on drinking too and keep yourself safe Flowers

SaltySalt · 25/06/2017 23:03

SaltySalt- reporting you too for victim blaming.

Crack on cocker I meant it didn't help in when she goes to the police? Which was the op,s question. Wasnt it?

DavetheCat2001 · 25/06/2017 23:07

The OP actually asked in her initial post that negative comments not be reported.

RedHelenB · 25/06/2017 23:07

Did anyone bother to read the op? She also said she didnt want replies reported.

DavetheCat2001 · 25/06/2017 23:08

I am going to post exactly what has happened and I will read all responses. If people post negatively please dont report it because i need to see all the opinions because in the RW I wont be able to just delete it.

TheFatOfTheLand · 25/06/2017 23:11

The other thing to consider here is that the OP has children.

If the authorities get involved there may be concerns that she invited a man who she says scared her into her home while her children were asleep upstairs. This could get so fucking messy Sad

RedHelenB · 25/06/2017 23:22

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OlennasWimple · 25/06/2017 23:26

totally innocent Angry

Have I slipped back to 1927 or something?

OlennasWimple · 25/06/2017 23:29

There's a huge difference between pointing out, as some have done, that the case is unlikely to lead to a successful prosecution for various reasons, and telling the OP that she basically brought this upon herself

The first is difficult to read but a (probably true) reflection of how things are. The second is shameful victim blaming (which explains why the conviction rate for sexual offenses is so low - juries tend to think like this too)