To go to the police

[toomuchshit]

As some of you may know I posted last week when a neighbour wouldn't take no for an answer. I've told a couple of people I class as friends (or did) what happened and have had mixed responses.

Im now less raw than I was and now im questioning myself on whether i'm over reacting or not.

I am going to post exactly what has happened and I will read all responses. If people post negatively please dont report it because i need to see all the opinions because in the RW I wont be able to just delete it.

He started messaging me on facebook as neighbours. Just general chat. He would help with my garden because it was just me and I wasnt able to do it. I always offered to pay or id by him cigarette or a few drinks. His parner obviously know about this. He would help with heavy lifting and stuff I needed help with.
I met somebody and he stopped messaging and obviously I didn't need help with stuff anymore.

Once that relationship ended he started messaging me again and said if I ever fancied a chat he was normally out the back. He told me my ex would regret it and would soon realise him mistake because I was so nice. He started messaging just general stuff like asking how i was and what i was doing.
I started a new relationship but he wasn't at mine much so he went back to helping me out with stuff.
He then started joking about coming in for wine and little inuendos. Like if you get too warm ill come help cool you down. Then he asked me not to tell his partner we were talking. At that point I said there was nothing to tell. He said she just would be pissed off because he was messaging nice ladies.

Then he started pushing the chat a bit. I would tell him to behave and he would say hes just messing about and he didn't mean anything by it.
He kept saying he liked it when I was out because it made his day if he saw me. I let him know that my boyfriend really wouldn't be impressed if he knew the way he was talking to me He just said he was offering to "help out when he wasn't about". I said no thanks and I was happy the way it was.
He persisted some more and every time i called him on it i ended up feeling like i had misread it and he was just joking.
He then started asking for a pic without my top on. I said no repeatedly.
He found out my relationship had ended. I wasn't in a good place and to be honest I was drinking more than I should have been. He ended up sending me a dick pic after i told him not to. I told him there was only 1 dick i was interested in doing anything with and I wouldnt do anything that would risk myself and xdp getting back together.
Then 1 night I flirted back and stupidly sent a picture (i dont even remember doing it but it was clear i must have because it was on my phone). I told him I shouldnt have sent it ad I didnt want to do anything. He told me he thought I was perfect and that he would wait for me my response was just lol.
He said he wouldn't force me and he was happy just being friends. I was ok with that. I asked him for some tips on driving because i was going for my first lesson and he said once he got his son to bed he would help me out. It got late so I had a few drinks. He messaged me to tell me he was out the back and asked if i fancied going out and having a drink. I said ok, it was a nice hot night and I only had the 1 bottle left. We stood outside and spoke for a while. Every now and again he asked me to flash him. I repeatedly said no. He was in his garden and I was in mine. There's a communal path separating them so i wasn't that concerned. Just as I had said I was going to head in he climbed the gate and said he would take my bottle to the bin but he said for me to wait a sec till he got back. When he got back he pulled my top out and looked down it then he kissed me. I just froze and couldnt do anything. He was close now and i was scared because I know that no doesn't work i had said it so many times and he hadnt listened. He said to go into the kitchen and I kept saying no. He said the only way ill let you get to bed is if you let me in so I can have a feel. He said it in a jokey way but I was scared so I let him in. He took my top off and groped and kissed my breasts. He put my hand down his trousers and used it to wank with.
There was a noise upstairs and I said it will be the kids needing the toilet. He left and I haven't had a message since

Went not sheet

His behaviour was vile and it's clear you were vulnerable and he took advantage but in honesty I don't think the police will do anything and he sounds more than manipulative enough to make your life hell if you go to them. I really feel for you, and there have been times in my life when this could have me. It sounds like he has a nasty family who would believe him.

In view of that I would say don't involve the police but don't speak to him, block his number, and make a fresh start.

FUCKING HELL the victim blaming on this thread is astounding.

OP I wouldn't go to the police but only on the basis I don't think they will prosecute because it would be your word against his unfortunately.

I believe that regardless of the photo you sent, regardless of having a drink and chatting to him, regardless of whether he FELT he had mixed messages. NO means fucking NO, he assaulted you and you are NOT to blame in anyway. I don't care if you were dancing naked in front of him, you said NO and he had no right to touch you.

Please speak to Rape crisis and get as far away from this man as you can.

Fuck me there's a lot of victim blaming on this thread!

toomuchshit you are not to blame for him being a sleazy assaulting bastard! Nor are you stupid, pathetic, or any of the other negative things you said about yourself.

Don't in any way blame yourself for what happened. You do need to work on getting to a point where you feel confident enough in yourself to walk away from this kind of man, but people can help you with that. In the mean time, delete and block his number and delete and block him from Facebook. If you see him on the street, and he tries to talk to you, the first time you tell him you are not interested and he is to leave you alone. After that you blank him totally. It'll feel weird and rude, but he deserves nothing from you. If at any time you feel unsafe, you call the police.

I'm not blaming the OP at all. It's obvious she was vulnerable and he abused that and took advantage of her. However if it went to the police it's highly unlikely they would do anything, and very likely that him and/or his family will make her life hell. Is it worth that?

I'm horrified by the way the OP is being treated in this thread.

He groomed her. He put constant pressure on her, and made her feel uncertain, and bad for saying no, and he kept on and on. She didn't lead him on, FFS. She kept on telling him no and he did it anyway. Yes, sending the picture was a mistake. But she was coerced into it, and telling her how she led him on is victim-blaming and inappropriate.

This^

I can't believe the OP is being accused of sending mixed messages. At what point did she send a message saying she wanted to be assaulted???

Sorry it happened OP. It's up to you whether you feel you can go to the police. But i would definitely do whatever you can to get as far away from him as possible.

The fact you sent him a pic was not you then saying please grab at me and touch yourself. Ridiculous attitude of other posters.
I'm sorry op.
Are this family dangerous? Or is your friend being dramatic? This is important info.

As a PP suggested, speak to Rape Crisis and/or a counsellor. No always means no.
I have no doubt he was manipulative/charming, everything he needed to be to try to break your boundaries down. At any point, you have the right to say 'no' - to his offers of help; to his messages; to his desire to keep it secret from his wife; to his help with lifting/driving,etc.
Your posts on here hint that you have issues with boundaries. You seem unsure how to exert and maintain boundaries.It's a worthwhile skill to learn.
As for your friend, I don't think she is selfish. I think she's scared and having worked in certain areas where there are families that people wouldn't cross, I recognise that fear from my clients.

The family are mouthy. Ill be talked about at the school gate, made feel uncomfortable at events but i wont be here so it wont matter. My "friend" has no reason to be scared . I really was upset with her response after I confided in her

The OP was not "coerced" into sending a topless photo. Do you even know what coercion is?

She was however sexually assaulted. Whether going to the police / court would help her or not I couldn't say. Sorry OP it shouldn't be this way.

Nobody is victim blaming. Nobody is saying that she deserved what happened. People are saying that if she goes to the Police it's highly unlikely they will prosecute.

Obviously he shouldn't have taken the continued messaging, topless (?) pic, meeting in the garden etc. as a license to assault her. No means no even when the creep seems to think she's indicating yes.

The OP, however, needs help to set and stick to boundaries or this will possibly happen again and she'll be stuck in a cycle of abuse.

You were harrassed and assaulted, it is a crime and you can report it. It was not your fault, you did not consent or imply consent. He is manipulative amd creepy.

What some people are saying though, is that it will be hard to prove beyond reasonable doubt in court (because the jury can believe you but still have to have the evidence that he is guilty).

You could report and make your statement, see what the police say, and at least the evidence is collected more currently. And you never know he might have past convictions or complaints.

Do what is right for you.

If you're honest you enjoyed the attention and it went to far. Otherwise you would not have sent the pic or had a late night drink with him . I think saying he groomed or harassed her is wrong -she used him to do jobs for her.
However, OP said no so it was sexual assault. I think in a situation like that the sooner it is reported the better.

Nobody here is blaming op. I have ended up in similar situations more than once, because I have the same trouble she has, so my gosh I would never want you to feel I was judging you op. I get it, and I need help with all this too, i have also been raped and been in a violent relationship.

Its just I think things will be even harder if you go to police, for all the reasons pp have stated.

But its your life and has to be your choice. Take care of yourself.

Just out of interest, how do the courts view the word "grooming"? Is it something that can be done only to children or to adults with learning difficulties? At what point is a court able to judge an adult as being responsible for their own actions, even though they might have been in past emotionally abusive relationships or had their views skewed by a poor upbringing etc

Can someone in the profession clarify?

I have been exactly in your position! My neighbour was just like yours and wouldn't take no for an answer, in the end he told his Mrs that I was after him which was not true and the trouble that caused me! No one really believed me or understood me; police eventually got involved but nothing really came of it and I was left feeling confused, crap and worthless with other families in the road blanking me because my neighbours also told them I was a slut! I eventually had to move. Keep all text messages and have nothing more to do with him! The situation is so much more difficult when you live next door to them!

What he did was assault and it's horrible but genuinely think your putting yourself at more risk by going to the police. You'll feel like you're the one being interrogated and it's unlikely it will make it to court. Sorry but the justice system isn't fair and will let you down

I do think alerting the police even if it is just to ask them to ask him to stay away is a good idea.
Moving sounds like the right thing to do as you clearly aren't happy there. It seems you are sadly in cycle of abuse and predatory men can sense that. Keep away for a while from all men as you continue therapy. There are men out there that don't harass women and see them as sex objects I promise.

There's some awful awful victim blaming going on here. Shame on you MNers who tell a victim of sexual assault that she's been leading him on, enjoying the attention etc

But she has. Doesn't excuse sexual assault though.

But it's not victim blaming, is it? Nobody is saying that this man isn't a total shit, but toomuchshit needs to learn how to protect herself in future.

This type of Man sends out signals to see if you are up for it, and most women tell them to go get fucked long before it gets to the stage where the assault took place.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. it is awful.

I think you should do what it right for you.

I also really think you do New some counselling to over come this and the previous abuse, plus to build up your self confidence and self esteem.

What he did was wrong, it was in no way your fault.

However, you do not seem aware how the interaction may have encouraged this awful shit man to feel emboldened to assault you. it is never your fault, you can say no, and Did, and no means no.

I think you just need to be aware, to read danger signs and learn to give yourself the best chance of avoiding this kind of situation. It is not your fault. Ever. But I'd hope you can find better ways to keep yourself safe.

need some counselling not New!

I don't get the impression from the OP that she enjoyed his advances at all. I do think though that her reaction to them were strange and that she felt unable to disengage from him/them when she felt uncomfortable - probably due to previous abuse. And he was aware of this and took advantage of it. Because he is a predatory piece of shit.

Yes, agree BarbarianMum. I think the op felt unable to disengage and almost felt she had to believe what he Saud even when his actions were contrary to his words.