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Original poster

Men trying to encourage sex after just two dates. This cant be normal surely

137 replies

user1498221998 · 24/06/2017 09:46

I am sure not all men are like this but the last few men that have asked me out have been. The first date has gone really well. Maybe a kiss at the doorstep but then by the second date they want to come to your home to have sex.
I mean, they're not as obvious as that but when they drop me off at my house their hands are all over me and then they will suggest we go inside or they will try and get me to come to their house for a 'drink' after I've known them literally two dates.

I'd not even get in a car with a guy I'd known for two dates never mind have him in my house or him come to mine!

My ex was never like this. We had normal dates and then I stayed over at his after 3 months! Maybe this is altering my idea of what is normal but I really am shocked by how many men seem to expect sex so quickly.

Is this a sign these men ONLY want sex. Or is this the done thing nowadays?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 25/06/2017 13:44

"but if I don't fancy them it's a non-starter."

Of course, but fancying someone is not the same as wanting to have sex with them that night is it?

Also, lots of people find attraction grows with time.

TheStoic · 25/06/2017 14:00

Of course, but fancying someone is not the same as wanting to have sex with them that night is it

For me it is, and that's obviously who I was referring to.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 25/06/2017 16:13

It just seems to be women who are over 30 who shag very soon after meeting someone. I wonder why that is?

  1. Personally it's because I've found that whether I have sex with someone on the first date or whether I make them wait a lot longer makes no difference to how the relationship will develop.
  1. That I think life is too short to stick to rules regarding what I should or shouldn't be doing sexually provided it's between consenting adults. If men don't feel ashamed for being sexual animals why shoud I?
  1. Because if I fancy someone enough to want to go on a 2nd date with them I really want to fuck them. That as I'm able to seperate love from sex I don't get emotionally attached just because I've had sex, so I can enjoy it without lots of baggage, and at least if I find out I don't like him after a few weeks I've had some good sex.
  1. Finially, because I really don't want to spend ages getting to know someone, becoming seriously sexually frustrated in the meantime, build an emotional bond, only to find we're sexually incompatible and I want to end it.
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/06/2017 16:14

Personally it's because I've found that whether I have sex with someone on the first date or whether I make them wait a lot longer makes no difference to how the relationship will develop

That's my experience too, makes no difference whatsoever.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 25/06/2017 16:17

Those of you who waited months, can I ask what you did do?
I'd like to know too, because with all that "chemistry" buzzing around I would've gnawed my own arm off by then

from a mans perspective generally the easier and earlier it was to get sex the less interested I was in a long term thing
Really Fortnum, why's that? Should women be chaste and virginal to prove how special their chosen sexual partner is?

fancying someone is not the same as wanting to have sex with them that night is it?
"Fancying" someone is pure animal lust for me I'm afraid and that might mean I'd want it that night, yes. Liking someone, thinking they're a lovely person, wouldn't lead to a relationship unless I wanted to fuck them. Personality without lust/fancying = friend.

user1498403489 · 25/06/2017 16:24

I can't imagine why anyone would want to swap bodily fluids with someone they don't even know!

Makes me want to vomit.

motherinferior · 25/06/2017 17:09

Because sex with someone you don't know can be pretty terrific?

I would be really hurt if someone didn't fancy me enough to suggest sex fairly early on.

motherinferior · 25/06/2017 17:11

And if someone played games making me wait it wouldn't make me respect them. Quite the opposite.

CheeseBubbles · 25/06/2017 17:18

^Fortnum

Married before the Internet dating thing so probably means I am clueless but from a mans perspective generally the easier and earlier it was to get sex the less interested I was in a long term thing. My wife made me wait a year - however that probably constituted about 10 weekends together as we were in a very long distance relationship. What made me keep interest was that she wasn't easy... nothing wrong with a one night stand when single , but does nothing for me when considering a long term relationship..^

Translation: I prefer to only have sex with women who don't actually want to fuck me. Nothing weird here. Nothing to see.

user1498403489 · 25/06/2017 17:23

Men like women who want sex. They just don't want women who will shag a man they barely know.

user1498403489 · 25/06/2017 17:24

It's not double standards. I wouldn't date a man that would happily have casual sex or sex with someone he had only know a few dates.

CheeseBubbles · 25/06/2017 17:25

"If it were me I'd mention either in my profile or when emailing that sex is something I want to be Ina relationship for."

Because it's so odd not to want to have casual sex when you're looking for a relationship?? That's so depressing.

It's not so odd, but it's not for me and would be a waste of my time as I have zero interest in 'courting'. The point of online dating is that you can say upfront and hat you're interested in and not interested in. Why not say upfront you're not interested in casual sex?

"I'd assumed someone wasn't interested if the wouldn't have sex with me."

Why? Being interested in someone doesn't mean constantly sexually available, does it?

No, no one owes me sex but I don't want to date a guy who has hang ups about sex or a low sex drive. That's my prerogative as much as it is his to avoid it.

CheeseBubbles · 25/06/2017 17:26

User, that's fine. But forthum has had one night stands. So it is a double standard. They're ok for him just not 'his woman. '

CheeseBubbles · 25/06/2017 17:30

I've just had an epiphany.

All those men on the relationship boards moaning about the lack of sex in their marriage and how their wives won't put out..

It's probably a total coincidence and completely unrelated to the fact they would only date women who would t have sex with them in the first place. Because the women with higher sex drives were 'not marriage material'

Lim0ne · 25/06/2017 18:22

When I met DH I can honestly say I've never been more attracted to someone in my life, but it was because of this that I was not about to risk anything by jumping into bed with him after the first couple of dates. I kind of sensed he wouldn't have expected that of me, tbh anyway. So I just didn't invite him into my flat. It wasn't because I was playing games - I just knew what would happen if he did come in. This went on for about a month, so not that long actually, though we were seeing each other a lot during that time. When he used to drop me off, I just said I hope you don't mind if I don't ask you in and he didn't seem put out at all. He was fine.
Then he proposed after 6 months and that was that. This was 15 years ago though.

CheeseBubbles · 25/06/2017 18:26

What would you 'risk' limone?

Lim0ne · 25/06/2017 18:33

Well I didn't want to risk him treating it like a one night stand and that would be it. Not that he would have done in retrospect, but how can you tell that if you've just met someone?

Birdsbeesandtrees · 25/06/2017 18:43

Funny I've gone off casual sex as I've become older.

I don't really enjoy it anymore. I want to feel like I know someone before I have them in me.

Even if I really really facncy them it's just not the same as if I know them a little more.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/06/2017 18:47

"It's not so odd, but it's not for me and would be a waste of my time as I have zero interest in 'courting'. The point of online dating is that you can say upfront and hat you're interested in and not interested in. "

But you're not telling those who want to have sex straight away to put it in their profile, only those who want to wait so you are singling out those who want to wait as not being the norm.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/06/2017 18:49

""Fancying" someone is pure animal lust for me I'm afraid and that might mean I'd want it that night, yes."

Well, I maintain that you can fancy someone without wanting to DTD right there and then. You can be in a relationship with someone you fancy, but not DTD every day.

CheeseBubbles · 25/06/2017 18:55

Not that he would have done in retrospect, but how can you tell that if you've

You can't tell, but would you really want a ltr with a man with so little respect for a woman that he'd dump her for doing the same thing he just did?

I'd say it's a very good way of weeeding out the arse holes and you get laid. How is that not win win?

CheeseBubbles · 25/06/2017 18:57

Well, I maintain that you can fancy someone without wanting to DTD right there and then. You can be in a relationship with someone you fancy, but not DTD every day.

Of course you can! But on the other hand it does point out from th start what is likely a mismatched sex drive

Lim0ne · 25/06/2017 19:12

Cheese - yes there is hypocrisy involved in that sense. But I wanted more than just sex with him so I wasn't going to put myself in a position where that was an option, until I could assess how he actually felt and if I could trust him to not bugger off.
Also my grandmother was a big character and influence for me growing up and she always said if you let men take what they want then they will, so that always stuck with me.

pringlecat · 25/06/2017 20:51

CheeseBubbles It's not win-win, because if you're the sort of person who sees sex as something emotional as well as physical, you'll feel like shit when the other person buggers off. It is never a good idea sleeping with someone unless you 1) know them enough to believe they'll hang around the next day or 2) you don't actually care. Some of us would care and by waiting until we know the other person longer, we're protecting our own mental health.

It's not wrong to sleep with someone after 6 days or 6 months. It's wrong though to assume your way is the only way and to make the other person uncomfortable. Unfortunately, due to the three-date expectation that seems to have ingrained itself in the dating scene, there is a lot of pressure.

Apart from anything else, sex should be fun. When the other person acts entitled, the fun disappears.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 25/06/2017 21:25

cheese I think you are being ridiculous with your 'epiphany'

I also think you need to understand there is a difference between not wanting something and not doing it.

OP, I see the whole dating thing as confusing and sad - it's all just so weird. Give me old fashioned dating any day! Not that I've even tried dating but reading the stuff that comes up on MN I think I'll happily stay single and celebate for life Grin