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AIBU?

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Original poster

Men trying to encourage sex after just two dates. This cant be normal surely

137 replies

user1498221998 · 24/06/2017 09:46

I am sure not all men are like this but the last few men that have asked me out have been. The first date has gone really well. Maybe a kiss at the doorstep but then by the second date they want to come to your home to have sex.
I mean, they're not as obvious as that but when they drop me off at my house their hands are all over me and then they will suggest we go inside or they will try and get me to come to their house for a 'drink' after I've known them literally two dates.

I'd not even get in a car with a guy I'd known for two dates never mind have him in my house or him come to mine!

My ex was never like this. We had normal dates and then I stayed over at his after 3 months! Maybe this is altering my idea of what is normal but I really am shocked by how many men seem to expect sex so quickly.

Is this a sign these men ONLY want sex. Or is this the done thing nowadays?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 24/06/2017 10:58

Plenty of women AND men are up for sex by Date 2.

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex. As long as they don't pressure you in any way, they're not doing anything wrong.

Gwenhwyfar · 24/06/2017 10:59

"The three date rule has been around for decades confused"

Eh? I thought that was in American TV programmes not real life. (I'm aware that some people sleep together straight away, but I don't think British dating has ever followed 'rules' like in the US).

Beebeeeight · 24/06/2017 11:02

Why are you assuming that you wouldn't want to have sex?

Have you never fancied someone so much you just wanted them there and then?

Trollspoopglitter · 24/06/2017 11:03

Actually, I was shocked how common sleeping on the first date was in the UK compared to the US (and then starting a relationship as opposed to a one night stand where both people don't want a relationship). In the States, you have the 3 date rule to basically make it clear you want a relationship and not a one night stand.

VestalVirgin · 24/06/2017 11:14

I think it's not really about gender, it's just about how you feel about that person and about sex

It is not about gender identity but about biological sex.

I have had men pull some pretty nasty tricks on me to make me have sex with them, and no, I don't think women do this with the same frequency.

Also, if you have sex with a woman, ,you don't risk pregnancy. That is a bit different. (You also do not have the same risk of date rape)

All this talk of "signals" is very weird. My female friends regularly visit me at home, doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. Confused
Of course, there is little to no risk that they'd try to rape me, so perhaps that is the difference here.

Surely, a man can tell whether a woman wants to have sex with him. Like, having her hands all over his body would be a sign.
Letting a man walk you home or enter you home is giving him an opportunity for rape, but it is not a sign you want to have sex.

SweetLuck · 24/06/2017 11:16

I would be disappointed if someone didn't want to have sex in a first date.

happypoobum · 24/06/2017 11:17

I think there is now a weird amalgamation of British and American culture which has led to some confusion.

When I lived in the US I would be dating various people at the same time, same as everyone else, but I wouldn't be having sex with any of them.

If I wanted to be in a relationship with someone then I would definitely not sleep with them until at least five dates (that's what worked for me, no problem with what anyone else does)

Now we seem to have a culture where it's fine to date and shag multiple partners.

This really isn't for me Sad

VestalVirgin · 24/06/2017 11:19

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex. As long as they don't pressure you in any way, they're not doing anything wrong.

I think it is pretty clear from the post that OP was pressured.

It is the men who have their hands all over her, it is they who decide she should invite them in, et cetera.

Surely they know a woman who wants to have sex with them is fully capable of inviting them in on her own accord. Inviting yourself to someone else's house is bad manners, besides.

So, seems more like attempted coercion to me.

AhYerWill · 24/06/2017 11:19

I have no issue with a guy indicating he might be up for a shag on the first or 50th date. If he's pushy about it and not taking no for an answer though that's an instant red card (no sex, no more dates).

Not clear exactly where these guys fall on that scale, but if it's the latter you've probably just been unlucky. Plenty of men out there still looking for relationships and willing to go at your speed.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 24/06/2017 11:32

Sex has become a casual dating activity, like ice-skating, or picnics.

TheStoic · 24/06/2017 11:39

I think it is pretty clear from the post that OP was pressured.

Sure, but I also think she was speaking generally, hence her OP. I don't think expecting sex is the same as pressuring someone for sex.

I would be expecting sex on date 2 onwards, in most cases. If I didn't, there wouldn't even be a second date. I would make my feelings clear (because I'm an adult), and no harm done if they weren't equally into it.

Untangled07 · 24/06/2017 11:39

Surely, a man can tell whether a woman wants to have sex with him. Like, having her hands all over his body would be a sign ... I think it is pretty clear from the post that OP was pressured. It is the men who have their hands all over her

Wait, so it's fine for a woman to put her hands all over a man to indicate she wants sex, but if a man does it then he's pressuring and coercing her into having sex? If a woman doesn't want to have sex, she can just say no. It's not that difficult!

Notknownatthisaddress · 24/06/2017 11:45

I have never, in my entire life, heard of the 'knickers off on the third date' rule. I couldn't give a shit if people drop their knickers during the third drink with someone, but it's not for me. I prefer to get to know someone a bit first. I never had sex with my husband (who I have been with for over 20 years,) until we had been together 3 months and had met about 20 -25 times.

Even before I met him, I never ever had sex with a man, until we had been together at LEAST a couple of months. Several of them finished with me after 3 or 4 dates when I made it clear I wasn't going to fuck them for a good few months. Sorted the wheat from the chaff that did!

Thank fuck I have not had to 'date' for over 20 years, and don't have to worry about this. I would fucking HATE to be on the dating scene now, (aged 40-something!) and the thought of online dating literally sends chills through me.

For the record, many women I know who are younger than 30 years of age, seem to get to know the man a bit first when they start dating them, and several women I know who are around 18-23 didn't shag their current boyfriend til 5 or 6 months in to the relationship. It just seems to be women who are over 30 who shag very soon after meeting someone. I wonder why that is?

For the record, I know some younger women shag around whilst on holidays in Magaluf and suchlike (before anyone says anything!) But we are talking about DATING here, and trying to form relationships with people. And women who are in their 30's and older, seem to shag a lot quicker than younger women. As I said, I wonder why that is.............

TheStoic · 24/06/2017 11:48

It just seems to be women who are over 30 who shag very soon after meeting someone. I wonder why that is?

Maybe it's because they're old enough to have shrugged off the double-standards and labels, and have decided to do whatever and whoever they want, whenever they want.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/06/2017 11:58

Yep, it's cos we know what we want.

Aged 18, you tend to be a bit more nervous, and I think there's that slightly coy thing of pretending sex isn't the natural conclusion of what you're doing, just in case you get hurt or the person you're dating doesn't like you as much as you like them. There's nothing wrong with it, though.

annielouise · 24/06/2017 12:06

I've also never heard of the 3 date rule over here. First time I heard it was on Frasier. Same with "being exclusive". These seem to be rules that have come over from the US.

BarbedBloom · 24/06/2017 12:06

I have sex with dates when I feel ready and they feel ready. I think that it as it should be whether that is the first date or the 50th. I like sex and think it is an important part of a relationship so I do like to know early on if we are compatible in that way.

I slept with my fiancé on our first date and about two hours after meeting him because it felt right and two years later it still does.

I am over 30 but have never had time for the double standards women often face and have slept with people on the second date when I was younger. Sometimes that led to a relationship and sometimes it didn't. No regrets.

HungerOfThePine · 24/06/2017 12:09

It just seems to be women who are over 30 who shag very soon after meeting someone. I wonder why that is?

Mid 20's and that's me, my standards aren't low I am just doing what I want and when I want it. I'm not seeking validation or anything just enjoying myself in the way that I see fit.
Holding onto your knickers for a few months is no different and imo doesn't really make much difference to the outcome of the relationships you might have whichever way you do it.

I've had some steamy encounters with men and not dropped my knickers because in that moment I didn't want to And not in the way of protecting my morals. Sometimes more fun thinking what it could have been.Grin

Sex is a mutual activity to be enjoyed, can be casual, passionate and loving the timescale in which it's done doesn't devalue it in anyway.

OliveSoap · 24/06/2017 12:11

Myself personally, I've always wanted to have sex early on then you know if you are physically compatible. After one or two dates it's easier to knock things on the head cause it didn't work then it is throwing away three months of your life.

This was my approach. Avoids the horror of too much build-up to sex, and the far worse horror of having invested time and emotion in a relationship where you turn out to be sexually incompatible.

Euripidesralph · 24/06/2017 12:24

I think it comes down to what is comfortable for both parties but always the one who wants to wait has the casting vote so to speak. ....ultimately noone should be made uncomfortable or pushed into sex

Saying that I don't believe in hard and fast rules , my stbxh was a slow burner physically but not romantically and that was fine and my now dp started off as a physical no strings relationship but frankly we both fell like a ton of bricks

If it's mean to be it's meant to be and sex is fine but it's when one doesn't want it and one does that is the issue

So again my basic rules of life .....if it's consensual and both are happy then no judgement , don't do anything you don't want to but as long as someone is being respectful but making their desires known provided they respect you aren't ready what's the problem?

Littlelondoner · 24/06/2017 12:27

For me...and I am well aware I probally sound a little crazy.

If a guy didnt at least hint that he would (not neccessarily at that point but somewhere in the future) quite like a shag. I would ashume they didn't fancy me.

Or

They had a low sex drive. In which case we would not be compatible at all.

I have slept with people 1st date 10th date and everything inbetween.

But from the 2nd date in I have at least gotten the hint they fancied me & wanted to. Otherwise what is the point.

Booboostwo · 24/06/2017 12:37

What a judges, sexist post! Having sex on the first date is fine as is waiting three years never mind three dates. The important point is whether both (or all) people involved consented. I have had plenty of one night stands because that was what I, and the person I had them with, wanted at that time.

CBC1644346 · 24/06/2017 12:54

A good percentage of men on dating sites just want sex. Kids in a sweetshop. A bloke at my work just goes through date after date, has a few shags then bins them off unless they are dynamite in bed. Average or below he won't date.

pringlecat · 24/06/2017 13:28

It's depressingly normal in London for men to expect sex on the third date. And if you say no, they get nasty and disappear.

It's one thing to have a different expectation of timing, but to then get so horrible about it...

This is why I'm still single!

coconuttella · 24/06/2017 13:59

I'm not sure anything has changed.... when I was dating 20 years ago the expectation of sex after a couple of dates wasn't unusual at all!