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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Hell. WIBU to refuse to have her round our house?

111 replies

QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:16

Please excuse this really long post.
I'm at the end of my tether and close to walking away from it all... DP included.
My MIL is becoming more and more intolerable. She's always been a nuisance but I'm started to feel smothered.
A few years ago she left my FIL for another man.
During the relationship with the OM, we barely saw her (once a month at the absolute most). The relationship ended and she realised she was left with nothing and no one.
This is when the trouble started.
To list but a few.....
She has walked into our house and swiped her finger for dust.. eurgh'd and then wiped in on her jeans.
She brings crisps and Cola round because I'm "obviously unable to do the weekly shop" and my "cupboards are bare".. why she is looking in my cupboards I have NO IDEA!
We looked after her cat for a few months as she was too distressed to look after it when the OM left. She refused to have him back until we'd taken him to be de-flead and de-matted... As if we'd completely neglected him.
She has bought us a hoover for Christmas as mine obviously isn't working.
The next year she followed it up with a Washing Machine...
She has turned up to our house unannounced on several occasions- one time bringing cleaning fluid with her.
She has popped round in her lunch break whilst we are at work to water the plants and to weed the garden. We haven't asked her to.

I have just had enough of it. My DP agrees that she's off her rocker and is going too far but thinks it's okay to let her get on with it as she's not hurting anyone.

AIBU to think this is bat shit crazy?
WIBU to tell my OP we need to loosen the apron strings or I am going to seriously think about leaving...?

OP posts:
sparechange · 23/06/2017 16:19

Embrace it!
Next time she does it, give her a list! If she arrives with cleaning fluid, say thank you and can you start the bathroom and offer to bring her some rubber gloves
Tell her that you are so grateful because the money you save by not having a cleaner pays for dirty weekends away with her son

Original poster
QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:20

But it makes me absolutely livid. And knowing her, she'd turn up more often....

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 23/06/2017 16:22

OK.
Did the cat have fleas and mats?
Did you have a working washing machine when she bought a new one?

And why does she have a key?

AvoidingCallenetics · 23/06/2017 16:22

You should have told her to collect the cat or it was going to the vet to be put down. (I wouldn't actually do that but I would re house it!)
She sounds really rude. And I disagree with
your dp that she isn't hurting anyone - she is hurting you.
I would tell her and dp that visits are to br agreed in advance and if she rude it will be the last time she visits. Your dp has to have your back or you will have a lifetime of difficult behaviour ahead.

That said, if she wants to clean and do the garden, can I have her Wink

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 23/06/2017 16:23

Have you spoken to her about it? Maybe she doesn't know she is being a pain

Original poster
QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:25

The cat didn't have fleas.
He was matted, despite me trying to groom him. He was matted when he arrived at ours.
Both original washing machine and hoover were fine.
She doesn't have a key. Just lets herself in through the back gate.

OP posts:
Reow · 23/06/2017 16:26

How does she get into your house?

Tell her you've lost your keys and get the locks changed.

Get blinds for the front of the house and stop answering the door.

MatildaTheCat · 23/06/2017 16:26

You have my sympathy. My MIL rearranged my kitchen cabinets while I was in hospital having ds1. She let herself in constantly doing weird shit like replacing the mattress protector and vacuuming under our bed.

It's very intrusive. Change the lock and don't give her a new one. She won't be happy but at the moment you aren't happy so hey.

PurpleDragon76 · 23/06/2017 16:26

Firstly, take your key back or change your locks. She has no right to access your home. It sounds like she has chipped away at your patience and you are at boiling point. Do her no favours, if your DP asks you be involved in anything tell him its all on him. You have to cut off from her, not your DP. I did this with exh, couldn't stand his mother so chose to have nothing to do with her. If she visited, I went out, if she wanted visiting he took the kids. Worked fine for years.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/06/2017 16:26

I wouldn't mind being bought a new washing machine, but she's clearly doing it as digs not because you need them. She's being a passive agressive bully, and she needs to stop, and her son needs to fully support and stand by you in that!

Original poster
QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:27

She definitely knows I do not like it through the bitchy comments she makes (which are always when DP has left the room!)
I do know that DP's attitude of "oh, well." really isn't helping and is reinforcing her.
I've just had enough of pretending it's okay.

OP posts:
Heirhelp · 23/06/2017 16:27

Has DP spoken to his Mum about this?

Reow · 23/06/2017 16:27

Get a lock for the gate.

MatildaTheCat · 23/06/2017 16:28

Erm, not difficult to lock the door then? Tell her you are worried about security ( as you should be) and just put an end to it.

And call her on rudeness. Wiping surfaces for dust is only ok if you are wielding the duster and Mr Sheen.

Redsippycup · 23/06/2017 16:29

Did you at least sell the hoover and washing machine and use the money to buy wine and chocolate?!

justkeepswimmingg · 23/06/2017 16:29

You need to get a lock fitted to the back garden OP, and ASAP. There's no way I'd tolerate that. I have a bat shit crazy MIL too, but I think I'd snap if she started to turn up uninvited to our home and openly criticise my 'ability' to clean and do general house work.
Why do MILs have to be so crazy? I'm so not jealous of other MNetters who have completely sane MILs Sad.

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvoidingCallenetics · 23/06/2017 16:30

This sounds like something my mum would do (the cleaning, I mean, not refusing to take the cat back). The thing is, it's only okay if the people whose house it is don't mind someone else poking about in their cupboards and implying they are lazy skanks! There aren't many people who would be happy with that! Your dp doesn't see it because it is his mum and he is used to her rudeness but you are more objective.

BertrandRussell · 23/06/2017 16:33

"but you are more objective"

Grin
Justanothernameonthepage · 23/06/2017 16:34

Stop pretending.
Any junk food, donate it to a food bank.
When she starts cleaning, sit her down and tell her kindly that you understand her embarrassment at having never taught DH to clean or do his share of housework, but he'll never learn if she keeps acting as though he's 5. (In front of DH is fine).
Get a padlock on the gate (if she can get in easily, so can other people).
Ask her if she's OK as you've noticed she isn't acting normally every time she does something unusual. Start monitoring it on an obvious piece of paper that she'll see when she pokes around. If she asks why, tell her that her unusual behaviour and memory losses are concerning you, and you know how easily mental health issues can be missed when they gradually start.

2littlemoos · 23/06/2017 16:36

Annoying yes, but are actually suggesting you may walk away from your DP because of it? I think that is OTT.

PIL are annoying though (will mine are!). I have a moan to DP, my mum etc. and move on from it.

Get DP to have words about turning up unannounced and a kind word saying thank you but you don't want her wasting her money on cleaning appliances.

Original poster
QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:36

NavyandWhite
Hoover and Washing Machine were fine. Not Broken...
Yes... HER cat was just as matted when it left as it arrived.
Cupboards were not bare.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 23/06/2017 16:37

If it's causing you stress, it's not ok for her to do these things.

If you've told your husband you don't like it and he's not put a stop to it, he is letting you down.

Tell her she's welcome to do X, Y or Z, but you don't want her coming round unannounced anymore. When she makes snidey comments about the state of your cupboards, tell her it's none of her business. When she arrives with cleaning products, if she hasn't OKed it with you first, you do not have to answer the door to her. Not even if she's seen that you're home.

The only way she'll learn what is and isn't acceptable is if you make it clear to her.

Justanothernameonthepage · 23/06/2017 16:37

It may sound flippant my comment about mental health, but if her behaviour has a history of dramatic changes, it could well be an indicator of some sort of illness. And monitoring it can be useful. I'd also encourage her to get a health check.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/06/2017 16:38

N&W - no.
The original machines were fine, the OP said so.
The cat was already matted when it came, and had no fleas - the OP said so.
The cupboards were undoubtedly NOT bare, although they may not have contained cola and crisps.
No one needs to "pop in" during lunch hour to water plants while the owners are not actually away, but are at work.

You're taking your MIL protection too far.