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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL Hell. WIBU to refuse to have her round our house?

111 replies

QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:16

Please excuse this really long post.
I'm at the end of my tether and close to walking away from it all... DP included.
My MIL is becoming more and more intolerable. She's always been a nuisance but I'm started to feel smothered.
A few years ago she left my FIL for another man.
During the relationship with the OM, we barely saw her (once a month at the absolute most). The relationship ended and she realised she was left with nothing and no one.
This is when the trouble started.
To list but a few.....
She has walked into our house and swiped her finger for dust.. eurgh'd and then wiped in on her jeans.
She brings crisps and Cola round because I'm "obviously unable to do the weekly shop" and my "cupboards are bare".. why she is looking in my cupboards I have NO IDEA!
We looked after her cat for a few months as she was too distressed to look after it when the OM left. She refused to have him back until we'd taken him to be de-flead and de-matted... As if we'd completely neglected him.
She has bought us a hoover for Christmas as mine obviously isn't working.
The next year she followed it up with a Washing Machine...
She has turned up to our house unannounced on several occasions- one time bringing cleaning fluid with her.
She has popped round in her lunch break whilst we are at work to water the plants and to weed the garden. We haven't asked her to.

I have just had enough of it. My DP agrees that she's off her rocker and is going too far but thinks it's okay to let her get on with it as she's not hurting anyone.

AIBU to think this is bat shit crazy?
WIBU to tell my OP we need to loosen the apron strings or I am going to seriously think about leaving...?

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 23/06/2017 16:55

i would tell your dp that his lack of support is beginning to ruin your relationship. you find her intrusive and judgemental and you're fed up with it. he needs to talk to his mum.

if he can't do that (sounds like he can't) then you have to follow through with whatever you discussed.

other option is to call her on this crap. start being rude. but that's not fun either and is likely to cause other problems with your dp.

good luck. who knows - maybe your dp will grow some balls.

SapphireStrange · 23/06/2017 16:57

YANBU. This would drive me up the wall, especially the 'obviously unable to do the weekly shop' and 'cupboards are bare' comments (to which the correct answers are 'I shop how I want, thanks' and 'Don't be stupid.')

The gate lock might be enough to get your DP to listen and take action. He's been able to ignore you for so long because you haven't done anything.

PocaMiseria · 23/06/2017 16:59

@Justanothernameonthepage Fri 23-Jun-17 16:34:32

When she starts cleaning, sit her down and tell her kindly that you understand her embarrassment at having never taught DH to clean or do his share of housework, but he'll never learn if she keeps acting as though he's 5. (In front of DH is fine).

This!!!!

littlebird7 · 23/06/2017 17:00

Please can you send her to my house!

PuckeredAhole · 23/06/2017 17:01

She's obviously made a bed for herself and she is not liking it. Tough titties she has to live with her poor decisions and not drag you into her miserable existence. Just lock your front and back door at all times. Maybe get a padlock for the back gate. She'll get the message!

Willow2017 · 23/06/2017 17:02

For goodness sake it was perfectly obvious from the rest of the post that op meant mil was being sarcastic buying her a Hoover.

You need to get your oh to man up. She is making snide remarks to you behind his back and that's not acceptable in any circumstance. Tell him he eitherbknocks it on the head or she isn't welcome back. Endof. You shouldn't be made to feel frustrated, looked down on etc in your own house. Not her place to comment on anything.

TheMerryWidow1 · 23/06/2017 17:02

tell her she is being rude etc and you aren't putting up with it, if hubby doesn't like it tough.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/06/2017 17:03

OP I'm not being picky, but these two points are confusing me:

A few years ago she left my FIL for another man.
During the relationship with the OM, we barely saw her (once a month at the absolute most). The relationship ended and she realised she was left with nothing and no one.
This is when the trouble started.

and then

The reason I've just had enough and want to walk away is that I've had this for the past 3 years (since she left FIL).

Because my immediate reaction was that her realising she was left with 'nothing and no-one' meant that she was now trying to push her way into making your life into her life, to compensate for her lack of anything else.

But that's down to her. She made a choice, and now she has to live with the consequences. When she had the OM to occupy her you saw her rarely, now it's practically everyday. Can you put it to DH that she's being very selfish, that it's not about the actions themselves but what's behind them?

And if she's being catty to you behind DH's back, make sure she isn't trying to cause a rift between you so that DH chooses her and she can have him back to plug the hole in her life.

blankface · 23/06/2017 17:05

I agree with keeping her out, change the locks. In the meantime, get a nannycam so your DP can see how intrusive she is.

Gemini69 · 23/06/2017 17:05

I've gotten to the stage in my life... where if someone/anyone makes me feel unhappy... I get them out of my life...

it works for me...

C0RAL · 23/06/2017 17:08

Your problem is your DP. He wants to live like this and you don't. Unless you can discuss it and come to agreement, you are incompatible.

So glad you don't have kids together.

littlebird7 · 23/06/2017 17:10

Possibly she is at a loss with her own life Op, she hasn't got anyone left in her life to look after and so your house and family are the next best thing. In a strange way she might be well meaning, if she had a happy life she wouldn't be at your house cleaning would she?

If it were me I would cut her some slack whilst adding locks to the gates etc and edge her out nicely, don't walk away from your relationship because of this.

littlebird7 · 23/06/2017 17:12

Coral I would agree with that to a point but there are many men who can not stand up to their mothers as adults, op dp will not be the first or last to lack balls in this dept.

Madwoman5 · 23/06/2017 17:12

Dust protects and insulates surfaces and I would rather be spending whatever spare time I have with my family doing other stuff than dusting. Such are the joys of the working parent.
The standard Mumsnet response of "Did you mean to be so rude?" would work well in this instance. so would "if you don't sort your mother out, she will no longer be welcome to step foot in my house"

Original poster

QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 17:15

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Sorry if that's unclear!
She left FIL for OM. This relationship lasted maybe 9 months. (9 months of bliss as we didn't really see her)
It's been nearly 3 years since OM Left. Since then, I've had this on a weekly basis and I've just had it to my back teeth.

OP posts:

WomblingThree · 23/06/2017 17:17

I don't understand why anyone except N&W who has some rather strange ideas thinks this behaviour is normal. No one has the right to go into another adult's house and start telling them what to do FFS!

I don't blame you OP. I'd be at the point of leaving too (actually I'd be long gone) due to both the MILs behaviour and the lack of support from your partner.

Beeziekn33ze · 23/06/2017 17:19

'""""""" for N&W, use them wisely!

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 23/06/2017 17:21

It's only 'help' if it's perceived by the recipient as helpful. OP is clear, she doesn't want or like this, therefore it isn't help, its forcible pissing on the OPs territory. Rude, intrusive and unacceptable.

Different standards, yes we all have them. There's no excuse for forcibly imposing your own personal standards on your son's house over the top of his wife, while heavily hinting that she's a slut. That's rude, intrusive and unacceptable.

You need to stop her being able to breeze in at will, so locked doors. She doesn't get to come in and clean/rearrange and piss on your territory, which is effectively what she's doing. If she does her wipe her finger and look at the dust thing, challenge it. "Why would you do that MiL? It has nothing to do with you whether or not that spot is dusted. If the house is too dirty/untidy/whatever for you to be comfortable in, then we need to meet at your house or at garden centre/restaurant/pub/park.'

Your house could be a health and safety hazard, it's still nothing to do with her and she has no moral right to march in and 'fix you'.

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 17:25

WomblingThree Thank you!!
I think her main issue is learning to let go of her "boy" and sees me as the bad girl which doesn't keep an immaculate house (despite working 60 hour weeks, I might add!!) who is trying to take him away from her.

OP posts:

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 23/06/2017 17:25

The buying equipment/sorting the house out is an under current of making the house hers. Staking a claim on it, taking it over. If she's lonely and unhappy be aware she may be thinking towards moving in. (And possibly pushing you out, so she has a home with dh. Pseudo spouse is a thing.)

If so, very sorry for her and she needs support, the first step of which is going to be gently but very firmly challenging this and setting up the boundaries.

PacificDogwod · 23/06/2017 17:28

It's only 'help' if it's perceived by the recipient as helpful.

That is exactly what I have been trying to tell my mother for the last 10+ years wrt interfering with my DB's life.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2017 17:28

If you've been leaving your gate and back door unlocked, then locking should take care of part of the problem (letting herself in).

As far as what she says/does when she is in your house and you are there, well, you do have a DP problem. He really should sort it but if he refuses I'd tell him that I am going to either;

If she starts cleaning, take the products away from her and say a stern 'NO, this is not your house and we don't need your help!' as I would to a naughty child or a dog and then put the items in the bin.

The minute she said or did one thing get up and sigh loudly and say 'Here we go again!' and get my bag and keys and say 'Call me when she's gone'.

Then I'd tell him the choice is his. Either he handles it in his way or I'll handle it in mine.

User843022 · 23/06/2017 17:28

Is your dp a wet lettuce generally or only regarding setting boundaries with his dm?

Original poster

QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 17:31

MyrtleMaracas Just when it concerns his mum and me...
I know for a fact that he's had words with her. But when it comes to me trying to solve the problem, he gets very nonchalant. He thinks telling her off once or twice will make it stop; it doesn't.

OP posts:

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