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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Hell. WIBU to refuse to have her round our house?

111 replies

QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:16

Please excuse this really long post.
I'm at the end of my tether and close to walking away from it all... DP included.
My MIL is becoming more and more intolerable. She's always been a nuisance but I'm started to feel smothered.
A few years ago she left my FIL for another man.
During the relationship with the OM, we barely saw her (once a month at the absolute most). The relationship ended and she realised she was left with nothing and no one.
This is when the trouble started.
To list but a few.....
She has walked into our house and swiped her finger for dust.. eurgh'd and then wiped in on her jeans.
She brings crisps and Cola round because I'm "obviously unable to do the weekly shop" and my "cupboards are bare".. why she is looking in my cupboards I have NO IDEA!
We looked after her cat for a few months as she was too distressed to look after it when the OM left. She refused to have him back until we'd taken him to be de-flead and de-matted... As if we'd completely neglected him.
She has bought us a hoover for Christmas as mine obviously isn't working.
The next year she followed it up with a Washing Machine...
She has turned up to our house unannounced on several occasions- one time bringing cleaning fluid with her.
She has popped round in her lunch break whilst we are at work to water the plants and to weed the garden. We haven't asked her to.

I have just had enough of it. My DP agrees that she's off her rocker and is going too far but thinks it's okay to let her get on with it as she's not hurting anyone.

AIBU to think this is bat shit crazy?
WIBU to tell my OP we need to loosen the apron strings or I am going to seriously think about leaving...?

OP posts:
Original poster
QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:38

This is the thing... If she asked if she could weed the garden once in a while- fine, knock yourself out.
But letting yourself in is beyond my comfort zone and really gets on my goat.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/06/2017 16:39

And yes, Quick - you need to start locking your house and gate!

RhubardGin · 23/06/2017 16:42

From what you have posted I don't really see anything so bad that would warrant you to consider leaving your partner.

Maybe I just have a high tolerance threshold!

How does she get into your house without a key? You mentioned through the back gate, but does that mean you leave your doors open? Or do you mean she walks in whilst you are there? I'm a little confused...

I wish someone would buy me a new hoover and washing machine!

To be honest it kind of sounds like she is lonely and bored. If you really are at the end of your tether the only thing you can do is be firm with her and explain her actions upset you.

Original poster
QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:42

I've just bought a gate lock, so that should end that problem.
How do I get DP to listen to me and take action rather than just thinking I'm being dramatic and a bitch to her... You're all right. He's used to her weird behaviour and I am definitely not.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

R2G · 23/06/2017 16:45

Not sure why you'd leave your partner over this.

Original poster
QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:45

The reason I've just had enough and want to walk away is that I've had this for the past 3 years (since she left FIL). DP is not taking my side whatsoever- not that I'm actually asking him to take sides but listening to my concerns not just rolling his eyes would be lovely!
It's not going to get better and I don't want to be one of these people who in 5-10 years time sends their kids to their nans house for them to come back with their hair shaved...

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 23/06/2017 16:46

I feel like people do this to get a rise out of you. MiL is obviously deeply unhappy, and her issue with cleanliness is her coping mechanism to be 'better' than you. Everytime she does something like this just do a quick 'Thanks' and change the topic.

The best thing you can do is just ignore it. Don't comment on it.

Plus, I find, this drives people who thrive on this kind of manipulation absolutely mental.

PacificDogwod · 23/06/2017 16:46
Blush

My DParents are like that - DM more so than DDad.

I am safe as I live several hundred miles away from them but their intrusive behaviour that just does not accept boundaries has all but ruined their relationship to my brother and his family. Which is a real shame as they live 2 miles apart, there is a grandchild they could enjoy, alas...
My DB and SiL have their problems and everything my parents do is 'to help' them. They will simply not accept that it is not the done thing to appear before 10am on a Sunday morning (unannounced!), that they cannot critique the house keeping or decor or parenting (every detail thereof), and that my DB at almost 50!! has every right to make his own life choices. He is a saint - I would have long spat out my dummy tbh.
Or maybe he is an idiot to not have had it out with them some time ago. I dunno.

I have no solution, but big sympathy Thanks

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/06/2017 16:46

The OP said that her MIL bought her a hoover as hers obviously wasn't working Thumb?

So you clearly dont see it as a dig that the OP isnt hoovering enough for the MIL's liking then?

The Op has said at least twice that her hoover was working just fine, why are unable to grasp that very simple fact?

Original poster
QuickCloseTheCurtains · 23/06/2017 16:46

NavyandWhite The "obviously not working" was in speech marks... she was making a dig that my cleaning wasn't up to scratch...

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 23/06/2017 16:47

Also confused about how she gets in with no key just by walking around the back. Don't you lock your house up when leaving?Confused

PacificDogwod · 23/06/2017 16:47

DP is not taking my side whatsoever- not that I'm actually asking him to take sides but listening to my concerns not just rolling his eyes would be lovely!

Well, you have a DP problem as much as a MiL problem.

Are you my SiL??

KickAssAngel · 23/06/2017 16:48

You either have to find a way to change this, or to think about walking away. How much have you discussed this with your DP? IS there any chance he would support you in trying to calm this down? If not, you have to think about long and hard about having a MIL and a partner who see you as a household appliance who needs to be put in their place.

If you can agree to work on this together, then every single time she makes a comment, one of you (preferably him) says something like "if only DP were better at doing his share. Don't do it for him, he'll never learn." If she turns up unexpected and it isn't convenient, tell her and ask her to leave. Make sure she can't get in through the back. If she does anything that pushes boundaries, say "that's very odd. Why did you do that?" But this will only work if both of you can work together.

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justanothernameonthepage · 23/06/2017 16:50

So it's a DH problem more than a MIL problem.
Well traditionally there are 3 options. 1, Nothing changes. 2, you leave in an attempt to shock change the behaviour which is never normally a permanent change if he doesn't see the issue. Or 3, you change the situation in another way, whether moving together, leaving the marriage etc.

But him not listening to you or supporting you is way worse than your MIL trespassing in to the garden.

RhubardGin · 23/06/2017 16:50

The reason I've just had enough and want to walk away is that I've had this for the past 3 years (since she left FIL)

Apologies if I am way off the mark here, but is it possible that her previous behaviour has tainted your view of her? So little things she does are magnified?

Just going from your posts alone, and of course it's impossible to really know unless we are in your situation, it doesn't really seem that your MIL is that bad. Annoying yes, but nothing major.

User843022 · 23/06/2017 16:50

'Embrace it!Next time she does it, give her a list! If she arrives with cleaning fluid, say thank you and can you start the bathroom and offer to bring her some rubber gloves '

If this is the only issue with your dp I'd do this ^. Keep the gate locked, make sure she doesn't have keys ever. She may be a pita but if you want to stay with your dp I'd leave her to it and make sure the ironing pile is huge when she calls round.

KickAssAngel · 23/06/2017 16:51

btw - unless you have some weird relationship whereby DP is never in the house, it's not your cupboards, cleaning etc. As a functioning adult he should be contributing to the running of the house. Obviously it varies according to how much time each of you has, but does he also assume that all housework is your responsibility? What does he do around the house? Does his mother criticize that as well?

AvoidingCallenetics · 23/06/2017 16:51

Bertrand, maybe objective is the wrong word, but OP hasn't grown up with this sort of behaviour and doesn't see it as normal. Her dp is used to it so naybe doesn't notice it as being batshit .

Lunde · 23/06/2017 16:52

N&W - you didn't get the sarcasm in the "obviously not working" comment?

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namechange2837 · 23/06/2017 16:53

Wow! I didn't think MIL's like this actually existed. Do you watch Everybody Loves Raymond by any chance OP? I feel like you'd really empathise with Debra!

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alittlepotofrosie · 23/06/2017 16:54

Have you actually spoken to her? Like asked her not to come round when you're out? If not why not?