MIL Hell. WIBU to refuse to have her round our house?

[QuickCloseTheCurtains]

Please excuse this really long post.
I'm at the end of my tether and close to walking away from it all... DP included.
My MIL is becoming more and more intolerable. She's always been a nuisance but I'm started to feel smothered.
A few years ago she left my FIL for another man.
During the relationship with the OM, we barely saw her (once a month at the absolute most). The relationship ended and she realised she was left with nothing and no one.
This is when the trouble started.
To list but a few.....
She has walked into our house and swiped her finger for dust.. eurgh'd and then wiped in on her jeans.
She brings crisps and Cola round because I'm "obviously unable to do the weekly shop" and my "cupboards are bare".. why she is looking in my cupboards I have NO IDEA!
We looked after her cat for a few months as she was too distressed to look after it when the OM left. She refused to have him back until we'd taken him to be de-flead and de-matted... As if we'd completely neglected him.
She has bought us a hoover for Christmas as mine obviously isn't working.
The next year she followed it up with a Washing Machine...
She has turned up to our house unannounced on several occasions- one time bringing cleaning fluid with her.
She has popped round in her lunch break whilst we are at work to water the plants and to weed the garden. We haven't asked her to.

I have just had enough of it. My DP agrees that she's off her rocker and is going too far but thinks it's okay to let her get on with it as she's not hurting anyone.

AIBU to think this is bat shit crazy?
WIBU to tell my OP we need to loosen the apron strings or I am going to seriously think about leaving...?

The problem is QuickCloseTheCurtains that you've let it go on, and now she's used to it. My MIL tried it on and I told her to mind her own damn business. She's had to be reminded periodically over the last 20 odd years, but luckily I've always had DHs backing.

As the mother of a man myself, I honestly don't understand women who can't let them go. It's just such a weird concept to think that I will have any say in either of my childrens' lives once they are out in the world.

Navy if you find it so tedious, then why do you jump on every single thread about MIL spouting ridiculous "defence". Just as tedious for everyone else I reckon.

I would tell dp she is banned from my house. Dp can see her elsewhere.

You should tell her straight OP. What's the worst that can happen? She flounces out? DP gets a bit miffed? I bet he wouldn't be that bothered.

I think you need some boundaries.

I hope you sent her back home with the hoover and washing machine - if not you should have "Thanks for the thought MiL but we really don't need these and it's silly to waste your money"

"Please don't do the garden or anything else unless we've talked about it - it feels as if you've invaded our privacy and space, even if your intentions were good"

Stand up to her each and every time. If its got to the point that you are thinking of leaving DH then it's not going to harm anything is it.

She will only get away with doing these things if you let her.
Same with DH. It's easier for him to let her get away with it. Make sure his life is easier if he doesn't upset you!

I wouldn't like it either. A guest who is staying for a while and offers to help with the cleaning is very different from someone dropping in for a cup of tea and making out your house is so badly looked after that they have to drop everything and clean it for you.

My mother bought us a vacuum for Christmas. No she didn't. She gave us money and DH and I chose which vacuum we wanted because ours had stopped working (which my mother knew).

There are ways of doing things to be helpful and ways of doing things to make a nasty dig, and it seems your MIL is all about the digs.

I think we might share the same mil! My DM does all these things to. I can't tell you how to make it better but I really do get it.

They are extremely annoying.

Change the locks. Or set up a white goods business. Try for a fridge freezer next.

Yes you have a dh problem as well as a mil problem ...however i dont think you've helped yourself either...
Why didn't you refuse the washing machine/hoover??...return the coke /crisps to her on her way out ....
I wouldn't let her in any more!

I had this. The difference was mine used to say 'you want to do this...' and wouldnt do it, just stand around while she thought I should.

I divorced her son.

navy
Everyone else could see quite clearly from op' s initial post and further posts that the Mil was out to make sure op knew her cleaning standards were not up to scratch. It's not difficult to see what she is up to.

Every thread about Mil is the same you defend them to the hilt despite all the horrible things they do, just because they are a Mil, it's like a crusade. There are nasty women out there not every woman is a saint. Get over yourself.

I'll take her off your hands!

I hate gardening and dusting so she'd love it at mine.

Have her round. Set her up with a dating profile and send her on her merry way to find a new relationship. She sounds like she needs something to occupy her and, currently, it's you.

I'd be thrilled with those gifts and she could quite happily do all my cleaning and gardening all day long.
Sounds like heaven, as for the criticism my bullshit blocker would prevent me from hearing any of it.

That's nice for you Irritated .

One problem though: while you might feel you'd love it (in theory, without any emotional context), you're not the OP. She doesn't feel that way.

Basic consent issue.

Does MiL have OP's consent to do these things? No. Is it ok to do this without the consent of the home owner? No.

(And before someone says yes, but her dh consents - there are two home owners. If one doesn't consent then there isn't consent.)

'Does MiL have OP's consent to do these things? No. Is it ok to do this without the consent of the home owner? No.'

Yes but life isn't as very simple as that.

This is her dps dm, as the op says there aren't any other problems in their relationship it would seem ott to be leaving over it as the op mentioned.

Lock the gate, lock the doors, be polite 'no thanks we don't need a new hoover', 'sorry were just going out but pop in tomorrow' all ways of managing the situation, rather than the typical mn 'GO N/C!!!' response.

FFS Navy of course the posters are moaning about their MIL. That's the point of the bloody thread! There wouldn't be much point bitch-plopping it with "oh dear OP, sucks to be you, my MIL is amazing"

Out of the hundreds of thousands of women, there's probably a couple of hundred on here who have MIL issues. We get it that you are the MIL sent from heaven, but other people's experiences are different. Do you have trouble understanding that?

YANBU
I would be livid.

Has she realised there is a lock on the gate yet?

Tell DP either he sorts it out or you will be considering whether you want to live somewhere else.

Why do I need an excuse? I have as much right to post as you do. And it makes perfect sense thanks.