AIBU? Disinvited from friend's wedding

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My friend moved to London a couple of years ago and is having a fab wedding in the Dorchester. We never go out / holidays since having kids so booked a room and a nanny (she said no kids) from the hotel as a rare treat.
I was so excited, booked hairdresser, new dress, and she then said kids can come too, they were looking forward to the party. She's just phoned me and bumped us from the wedding to make room for grooms extended family........ I feel a fool, had booked the hotel etc months ago.

I'd call her and ask what the hell is going on. It's a horrible thing to do and would probably spell the end of the friendship for me too. But in the back of my mind is this question: is she marrying an abusive bully who is isolating her from her friends? It's still an appalling way to behave but it might change my view about cutting her out permanently.

Shocked at rudeness but you're skint so I'd se what you can salvage. If no full refund from hotel ask former bride friend to pay for room for another guest. I get night out etc but the sting still there and that's a huge amount money for night out. Nanny and hairdresser should be able to be cancelled with no cost. hopefully. Dress returned or worn another time. Go on weekend away with family with money you'd have spent on this one night.
And never talk to this woman again. I got disinvited from wedding once too - it's incredibly hurtful and we never spoke again.

It's a pretty fucking huge strike Neutrogena...

I would do as Steppemum suggests in her excellent 8:51 posts and write after the wedding. She is either extraordinarily thoughtless & ill-mannered or has a bendy-backbone in the face of her groom's family (and their wealth?).

And definitely direct your funds to something you'd really enjoy doing!

A huge strike is the bride giving your OH a bj, or hitting your kids, or stealing something from your house.
Having to rescind an invite isn't the worst thing in the world....let's be more forgiving and grow up.

Based on a gazillion and one threads on MN about future MiLs dictating and controlling every aspect of their son's wedding, and given that you've been dropped to make room for the groom's extended family, I'm another one going the route of MiL has insisted that her second cousin's father's aunt simply HAS to be invited or it will ruin her (the MiL's) day and she'll never speak to them again.

If that's the case, it must have been incredibly hard for the bride to make that call to you, and if she was quite cold on the phone it may have been excruciating shame and embarrassment rather than deliberate rudeness.

Oh god I would be SO HAPPY to be told I was uninvited.

I get plenty of invitations that I feel obliged to accept, where I secretly wish this would happen.

Plan your perfect weekend and have a wonderful time with your husband.

Be the better person OP and wish her well and have a great night out instead. My guess is you got uninvited BECAUSE you're a nice and forgiving friend who realises the world doesn't revolve round you. You win!

Congratulations, OP, according to Neutrogena, by being caring and nice, you get rewarded by being treated like absolute rubbish AND get to have your money wasted- hooray!

Life is too short to have sh*tty people in your life. When people show you who they are, believe them. OP's friend has shown that she has a blatant disregard for other's feelings, money and time. That is self-centred, onboxious and downright mean. Maybe a saintly person would be understanding, but a descent human being would never put you in this situation in the first place.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Seriously Neutrogena, you think it's ok to let a friend spend £1000 on coming to your wedding and then letting them down I'd no big deal and anyone upset over that needs to grow up??

£1000 is a lot of money.That would be better spent on a better more family holiday.

If the room cant be cancelled,see if they will move the dates.Most places let you move dates for free.Then just go another time.
But that would be the end of the friendship,its an awful thing to do.And Bridezilla has hit a new low.

How much do you want to bet that Neutrogena and TheDevelMadeMeDoIt disinvited people to their respective weddings and are desperately trying to justify that it really isn't THAT bad?

Disinviting someone is one of the nastiest and rudest things a person can do. Even if MiL exerts all the pressure in the world about second cousins, why can the couple not lower her flower or photography package to pay for these extra people. When you make a mistake, it isn't right or fair to push the consequences on to other people. The mature thing to do is own it, and make a sacrafice yourself.

Honest question, neutrogena: if you have children and you sent out invitations to their party, then you wanted to add someone else, would you teach your child to tell someone in their class that they can't come anymore because someone else is more important? Of course not. You would either find a way to squeeze the extra person in, or recognise that the guest list was final and although you cannot invite them to this event, you will make sure to get together in the future.

"prideful" - ahahahahaha!! What, you mean have some self-respect (as most people would term it) and refuse to be treated like second-class garbage?
Christ.

OP - please cancel everything and use the money for your own family.
I can't believe anyone thinks this is either forgivable or something that you should move past and stay friends with this person after - they'll just continue to treat you as a doormat if you do.

If you explain this to the Dorchester they will probably give you a refund. All sorts happens during wedding bookings. If not tell the bride to take over the reservation and to reimburse you. If neither can be done, then go anyway and have a fantastic night/weekend out in London.

She is an ex-friend. That is quite an unforgivable act and has cost you a lot of money. She is either spineless or cold-hearted. I would drop her and not resume contact. She won't care, but at least you maintain your dignity.

I hope you can at least change the hotel stay.

Zoe I'm not even married. Have NEVER wanted all the hassle, and all the wedding threads that come up on MN just reinforce my feeling that the wedding isn't everything (I've been with DP for 30+ years now and neither of us sees it changing).

I am, as I said, suggesting an alternative based on those same MN threads that I've read. I am not saying I am right. I am saying that it has happened to other brides and might have happened to this one.

Please don't ascribe motives or behaviours to me that I do not have.

Yes, tell her you're going anyway, as you made all the arrangements, and enjoy a night out somewhere new.

This has the benefit that it will probably really irk your friend you didn't stay at home to be miserable instead, but she won't be able to complain without sounding like a knob

I get married in a week and we checked and double checked the guest list before sending it out to make sure no one was missed. And we had room just in case. We added a few people to the evening list last minute that we'd forgotten before issuing. A couple of my parents friends got bumped up to day guests when friends of ours cancelled.

No way we'd have been in that bride's position. So either she's sloppy with her guest list or her in-laws are paying and demanding. But I'd flat out refuse to un-invite someone to our wedding. It's unbelievably rude.

I'm all for being understanding but your friend hasn't given you much to go on. I'd cancel the stay and use the money to go somewhere fun for the weekend with the kids. See how the land lies after the wedding but I'd expect a serious heartfelt apology before I considered seeing her again. No matter the reason - she must know this type of crappy behaviour will change your friendship.

I'd never in a million years have spent £1000 on a friend's wedding, or scrimped and saved for one, so I would definitely cancel the reservations and use the money for something else - hell, you can get a pretty nice holiday for 4 for a week for that kind of money - so really don't get the whole 'go and enjoy a night out' because a night out for me is a max of about £100 and that would be pretty much a once a year kind of thing.

As for forgive and forget, nah. She knows damn well what you had to do to make it possible to get to this wedding. It's pretty rude to disinvite you.

Devil But there are reasons and there are excuses. They are different things. People may do things for a reason, but it doesn't mean it is excusable.

If someone missed an important meeting without calling:
A reason is because they stayed up too late, overslept, and then faffed about in their house and missed it.

An excuse is they were in a car accident and were in A&E.

No one is saying the bride is doing this just because. I am sure there is a reason. But there is absolutely NO excuse to make this acceptable behaviour. Unless it was the Red Wedding and the bride can see into the future...

I honestly don't know what I'm more about, the sheer bloody cheek of the bride disinviting you or the pathetic doormat attempts of Neutrogena to excuse this appalling behaviour.

I see you say kids as in plural - are you the only friend in this position with more than one child? Wonder if MIL to be wants 2 couples inviting so by choosing you she only has 1 phone call to make and potentially only lose one set of friends.

Crappy behaviour but I think as time goes in we may see bridezilla on here in a few months 'I'm having trouble with my MIL, should have seen what was going to happen when she and she forced me to recind an invite to one of my oldest friends so some relatives of hers I've never met could come...,,,,'

Bloody hell divadee

I would be tempted to email the bride (if you can't cancel the rooms) to say you have a room available for her new guests if they'll pay the £XXX you paid - and they can have the hairdresser too for another £XXX. And the Nanny. At least if you do it gracefully (though I'd have to fight myself hard not to put it on Facebook) she'll realize the cost to you of her ridiculous decision. If you can recoup any money spend it on your family holiday. I trust you haven't given her a wedding present yet?

What an arsehole.

"I'd never in a million years have spent £1000 on a friend's wedding"

As someone who has just spent more than that on a friend's wedding (while wincing at the damage) it's surprisingly easy to do. Accommodation (for several days in my case, the hen do is included), meals out with family and friends while you're away, travel tickets, dress/hair, wedding present etc quickly add up.

Oh OP how awful- I'd be mortified. I don't think I could get a friendship back to 'normal' after this.