AIBU to think that my DH has gone overboard with DD punishment

[okeydokeygirl]

So DD is 12 years going on 16! She is normally in bed and lights out by 9pm but with hot weather we have been a bit more flexible. There have not been any issues. So tonight it is a lot cooler and she should have been in bed a while ago. DH went up at about 10pm to tell her to stop faffing around and get into bed. She was putting curlers in her hair FGS. He tells her to stop doing her hair, brush her teeth and get in to bed right away. BIG argument ensues where she says she has already brushed her teeth, he says she has not, she says she has, he proves she has not and says anyway do it again. Now he is getting cross as she is arguing back. This goes back and forth. I stay out of it as I think it is not too big a deal. She is a well behaved girl most of the time but she is growing up and this goes with the territory of having a pre teen. It is infuriating but this is how they learn to deal with conflict etc etc.. I expect him to give her an ultimatum either do what he says or x will happen. And he does. The ultimatum is "go and brush your teeth right now or you will be grounded". Then counts to 3 really quickly and says 'right that's it' you are grounded. Trouble is, she is in local am dram production Fri and Sat night; she has a close friend's birthday party Saturday and the friend was only allowed to invite 3 friends for her activity and birthday treat and DD has dance exam practice on Sunday. So really grounding is going to be really quite a big deal. DD in her bedroom. DH in our bedroom. Both seething with frustration. I go up and quietly ask if he is really going to ground her - what about all the plans for the weekend. He says she can obviously do the performance and dance practice but 'might' not let her go to the party. I say he needs to decide before she goes to sleep. He will be up and out the house before 5am tomorrow and will not be back until 7 pm. Party invite is for 9am Saturday. I am going away for the weekend at 3 pm tomorrow. If she is really not going to the party then I need to inform birthday girl parents asap (tonight) to give them a chance to ask someone else tomorrow to fill place. Birthday girl will be REALLY disappointed as my DD is one of her best friends but if that's what needs to happen the other parents may understand. Although I don't think its fair to punish the birthday girl. DH eventually back tracks and tells DD she is not grounded on this occasion but clearly really pissed off at me for not backing him up. We are normally on the same page when it comes to this sort of thing but I think this time the consequence was out of line with the 'offence'. We are both quite strict parents but even I think that this was a bit OTT. Was I right in challenging his decision? Or am I being a bit lame as I don't want her weekend to be ruined and her friend to be upset.

I think he overreacted considering she is 12.

But why is she arguing back when she is told it's bed time? By his reaction I'm guessing this a regular thing of him asking her to do something, and she is arguing back.

Total overreaction by your DH!

Absolutely agree that she should not have been arguing back, that she should done as she was told and that there needed to be a consequence but just not convinced this was the right consequence.

She can be challenging sometimes and it is really frustrating.

I get both view points. The punishment would have punished other people. Which isn't fair.
But other consequences aren't working if she is arguing back, and he found one that would get her to do as she is told.

I know it's a normal thing for her age, but sometimes with that view parents leave it thinking its normal and then the child just continues that behaviour as they get older.

I think it was also more that if DH was adamant that he was going to follow through with this then he needed to make a firm decision so parents of birthday girl could be told. Instead he was saying I need to think about it and will decide tomorrow night.

He over reacted and let his emotions get ahead of his thought process.

Stern talking to DD in the morning, ground her from hanging out over the weekend but we don't include recreational/paid for sport in grounding.

DD is 13 and I've last minute stopped her going to large group parties that don't put anyone else out but your scenario is well overboard imo

I think he over reacted. When I was 12 I don't think I had a bedtime. My parents might poke their heads around the door and tell me not to be up all night but they certainly wouldn't be telling me to brush my teeth! Sounds like he got frustrated and needed a punishment and that was the one that came to mind.

Oof. Who wants a cowed kid who can't argue back? That's the kid that grows into an adult that no one wants to be. To scared to say boo. Yes his punishment was over the top.

That's not parenting. It's bullying. It's not having the intelligence levels to take the discussion with your daughter so pulling rank and bullying her instead.

Not my scene. I wouldn't respect it. You did the right thing stopping it. I'm sorry, but I abhor the kind of adult who can't talk to their kids and bullies and punishes them excessively instead.

I think she needs to miss the party as to totally let her off means there is no consequence whatsoever. The performances and exam practice can go ahead.

Alternatively give her a list of chores she can realistically get done before the performance tomorrow to earn back the right to the party.

I do think sometimes you have to see things through and back up your partner when they have issued an ultimatum or punishment so there does need to be some sort of punishment.

You learn pretty quickly that grounding can be a right pain in the arse so to pick the punishments wisely!

Just to say its really hot right now and hard to sleep and if she was just quietly sitting there putting some curlers in I don't see the problem. Also if she had carefully done half her head she probably just wanted to finish it. I think he completely over reacted.

I think sometimes those instant snap-decision consequences end up backfiring because you say stuff in the heat of the moment you then have to backtrack on. DH and I (and this is how I know we've finally reached adulthood) actually sat down and devised a list of 'sanctions' for when the DCs act up badly enough to warrant a consequence. It's still stuck to the fridge to remind us. They've lost parties occasionally, but mostly things like "no tv or xbox for a day" or "going to bed an hour early tomorrow". It means that DH (who is hotter-headed than I am when they're up to trouble) has something to use to get their attention without resorting to "you're grounded for eleven years and there'll be no more sweets for the rest of your life". It sounds ridiculous but really helped us.

Your DH probably got more and more frustrated and gave consequences without thinking them through. He's not totally BU but I think you were right to explain to him that his snap-decision had an impact on several other people, too. YANBU to be the voice of reason.

Leave him to it. If he decides it's a no, he can contact the parents. I suspect if he has to deal with the consequences himself, he won't follow through. You dealing with the consequences for him makes it too easy for him to make rash decisions without thinking through the repercussions/complications.

I suspect the reason he won't decide now is because he's already made concessions and doesn't want to roll over too easily. If you push him now, he may dig his heels in whereas if you leave him to deal with it all, it'll probably be easier for him to back down than to explain to the parents.

Allthebestnamesareused She is going straight from school to rehearsal then performance which will finish about 10pm. Birthday for friend starts at 9am on Sat as they are going off to do an activity. And if she was not going I really needed to let birthday girl know asap not leave it until tomorrow night as they would be really unfair on her.

DH is normally the calm one. I think he was just very tired and it all spiralled really quickly. Maybe I should have stepped in earlier but then I might have made it worse.

My 7 year old goes to bed at 9...my new 13 year old between 10 and 11, when he's tired. What time does she get up? Does she really need 10 hours sleep?

And yes, never threaten anything you aren't prepared to carry out. Rule 1 of parenting. Better to clarify the grounding is just Friday after school? Very harsh (and rash) of your dh to make such a huge deal if this.

Heddagarbled Yes good point. Maybe if I had said he needed to contact the other parents he might have felt less like I was undermining him as it would have been his decision. He could not deal with it tomorrow as he works from 6am to 6pm and no opportunity to make phone calls . Hence really tired!

Ime you save grounding for the big stuff otherwise you've no further to go. Start small and get to the big punishments later if needed.

she is challenging so you / your dh over reacts. so she is challenging so you/your dh over reacts.

can you see the cycle here.

She is almost a teenager OP. you and your dh need to start learning to pick your battles and this really isn't one of them in my opinion.

sit down with both of them and calmly talk this through on the understanding that no one raises a voice or flounces.

if you are going to ground her for 3 days for something as trivial as this, what do you have left in your parental armoury when she really does something seriously wrong.

its not all you. she needs to realise that rules are rules and even if you don't like them you have to follow them. you need to start having a much more adult dialogue with her if you want her to grow up.

10pm is a late night for her. She really does need the sleep. She also has a very busy weekend ahead. But this was not really about that it was the challenging what she was being told to do. She did not think it was unreasonable to be told to go to bed, she just wanted to carry on putting curlers in - he wanted her to stop and do something else.

Lights out at 9pm??? For a 12 yr old??? No wonder she's stressed.

Seriously - start choosing your battles otherwise the next few years are going to be hell! She is growing up and starting to assert herself and will start to resent him hugely if he carries on like that. I think Bluntness 100 has totally got it.

Yes she does need 10 hours of sleep generally she's 12!

10-11 is too late for the average 12 year old on a regular basis.

Most boarding schools/residential kids places I know/have worked in (there's been a lot!) set bedtime for year 7 at approx 9, year 8 approx 9.15 and year 9 approx 9.45. Given that kids obviously don't fall asleep the moment their light is out, these times give a decent window for proper sleep to occur.

OP I think you've been the voice of reason here. Sounds like your DH let his frustration get the better of him on this occasion (we've all done it!)- it can be really hard to back down when you've got it wrong, but give him some space and it'll all work out for the best.

DD1 is now 15 and we have never grounded her until now when the sniff of peach snaps is coming in the scene.

She really feels the burden of not going out and the reminder that her behaviour caused the consequence of the grounding... I think if we had started grounding her at 12 she would now be laughing at us and walking out as she pleased!

I'm just saying pick your battles wisely. DD2 is a nightmare aged 12 and we deal with her differently much to Dd1s disgust they are all different

Ok so look at it from her viewpoint. half her hair in curlers because she started later than she should have/planned to. seriously she was being quiet in her room and should have just been allowed to finish but on the understanding that you would discuss the issue the next day. you cant let a girl go to school with half a head of curly hair can you.

I am assuming that she is your eldest because I really think both of you need to see that discipling is different now.