AIBU to think that my DH has gone overboard with DD punishment

[okeydokeygirl]

So DD is 12 years going on 16! She is normally in bed and lights out by 9pm but with hot weather we have been a bit more flexible. There have not been any issues. So tonight it is a lot cooler and she should have been in bed a while ago. DH went up at about 10pm to tell her to stop faffing around and get into bed. She was putting curlers in her hair FGS. He tells her to stop doing her hair, brush her teeth and get in to bed right away. BIG argument ensues where she says she has already brushed her teeth, he says she has not, she says she has, he proves she has not and says anyway do it again. Now he is getting cross as she is arguing back. This goes back and forth. I stay out of it as I think it is not too big a deal. She is a well behaved girl most of the time but she is growing up and this goes with the territory of having a pre teen. It is infuriating but this is how they learn to deal with conflict etc etc.. I expect him to give her an ultimatum either do what he says or x will happen. And he does. The ultimatum is "go and brush your teeth right now or you will be grounded". Then counts to 3 really quickly and says 'right that's it' you are grounded. Trouble is, she is in local am dram production Fri and Sat night; she has a close friend's birthday party Saturday and the friend was only allowed to invite 3 friends for her activity and birthday treat and DD has dance exam practice on Sunday. So really grounding is going to be really quite a big deal. DD in her bedroom. DH in our bedroom. Both seething with frustration. I go up and quietly ask if he is really going to ground her - what about all the plans for the weekend. He says she can obviously do the performance and dance practice but 'might' not let her go to the party. I say he needs to decide before she goes to sleep. He will be up and out the house before 5am tomorrow and will not be back until 7 pm. Party invite is for 9am Saturday. I am going away for the weekend at 3 pm tomorrow. If she is really not going to the party then I need to inform birthday girl parents asap (tonight) to give them a chance to ask someone else tomorrow to fill place. Birthday girl will be REALLY disappointed as my DD is one of her best friends but if that's what needs to happen the other parents may understand. Although I don't think its fair to punish the birthday girl. DH eventually back tracks and tells DD she is not grounded on this occasion but clearly really pissed off at me for not backing him up. We are normally on the same page when it comes to this sort of thing but I think this time the consequence was out of line with the 'offence'. We are both quite strict parents but even I think that this was a bit OTT. Was I right in challenging his decision? Or am I being a bit lame as I don't want her weekend to be ruined and her friend to be upset.

Pen, Robben Island is like a holiday camp. I'd say Guantanamo Bay would be more a accurate comparison.

My dds are 12 and nearly 14. We start making noises about bedtime at 9pm - certainly would expect them to be home from friends' / homework done etc by then. If they need showers and tonwas hair then we strongly advise that bedtime happens. Nothing normally happens though until 9.30 when we usually all have a big old bicker about the fact it is bedtime NOW, so off they go, usually followed by giggling and messing about while they get ready for bed.

10pm one of us will usually go up and order them that it is bedtime. Phones are usually taken away by then (if not before). Dd1 is allowed to read quietly until tired / we go to bed. Dd2 will often be settled, usually one of us will read to her for 15 mins (I know it's ridiculous and she's perfectly capable of reading herself but she still likes it!) or just lie next her and chat for a bit.

Dd2 is almost always asleep by 10.15, and dd2 by 10.30, and in the recent hot weather 11.

They can and do sleep in until 7.30-8 as we live five mins from school. Dd tends to get up earlier - she gets about 9 hours and dd2 gets about 10 hours. Dd1 has always needed less sleep. They both lie in at weekends until about 8.30.

So in short I think your dd's bedtime of 9pm is very early, and I think she could be allowed to go to her room at 9 and allowed to do something quietly until 9.30 when it's lights out. I believe your dh was far too draconian with her, poor love. Grounding is a big punishment in our house and would have to be a consequence of something dreadful. Thankfully (so far) we haven't had to use it. Removal of gadgets for a certain number of days is our go-to consequence for disrespectful behaviour. The lippiness and fibbing that your dd displayed are IMO par for the course with a pre/young teen pushing their boundaries.

Try to encourage your dd to start expressing anger and to be a bit naughty. I had parents that were really quite strict, especially my dad, and while it was good to have limitations (I've grown up with a strong moral code and sense of resilience and self-control) I also struggle with a lot of self-doubt and suppressed anger now. I find it v hard to express and share emotion, and have had to learn to stand up for myself as life has gone on.

I think the interesting thing here is the conversation you have together on Sunday. I have 3 older kids, and after a scene like this, sometimes there is a moment when everyone can have a little humility and learn something.

Can the two of them both admit where they went wrong? Dad was tired and frustrated and over reacted, threatened an inappropriate punishment, and maybe needs to think about how being a dad changes as your daughter becomes a teen. Can he admit all of this to your daughter? and have a real conversation with her about it?

Can your daughter admit that she needs to try to get organised a bit earlier and be responsible about when she needs to go to bed (if she wants to avoid being nagged about it) and that her lying undermines trust and causes more trouble?

Can she see how her stubbornness and refusing to do what she is told was frustrating to her dad, and can he see how her behaviour is natural and inevitable?

Sounds a horrible family atmosphere.

I don't punish, not for us as a family.

He was probably hot and tired himself and fed irritable. Not excusing it as he deffo overreacted but im sure he could explain to her he nay have been a bit hasty and she can go to her club.
Also on a side note my 8 year old goes bed at 9 so at 12 to be up at 10 i dont think is very late or anything?

He does sound like a real authoritarian.

My parents were both like this - and the punishments and threats escalated to such an extreme of being kicked out at age 15 over some minor incident

I still think my parents were god-awful parents even now all these years later

'I would be very surprised if the DD hadn't been told a few times already.'

Pengggwn, you don't know that.