AIBU to think that my DH has gone overboard with DD punishment

[okeydokeygirl]

So DD is 12 years going on 16! She is normally in bed and lights out by 9pm but with hot weather we have been a bit more flexible. There have not been any issues. So tonight it is a lot cooler and she should have been in bed a while ago. DH went up at about 10pm to tell her to stop faffing around and get into bed. She was putting curlers in her hair FGS. He tells her to stop doing her hair, brush her teeth and get in to bed right away. BIG argument ensues where she says she has already brushed her teeth, he says she has not, she says she has, he proves she has not and says anyway do it again. Now he is getting cross as she is arguing back. This goes back and forth. I stay out of it as I think it is not too big a deal. She is a well behaved girl most of the time but she is growing up and this goes with the territory of having a pre teen. It is infuriating but this is how they learn to deal with conflict etc etc.. I expect him to give her an ultimatum either do what he says or x will happen. And he does. The ultimatum is "go and brush your teeth right now or you will be grounded". Then counts to 3 really quickly and says 'right that's it' you are grounded. Trouble is, she is in local am dram production Fri and Sat night; she has a close friend's birthday party Saturday and the friend was only allowed to invite 3 friends for her activity and birthday treat and DD has dance exam practice on Sunday. So really grounding is going to be really quite a big deal. DD in her bedroom. DH in our bedroom. Both seething with frustration. I go up and quietly ask if he is really going to ground her - what about all the plans for the weekend. He says she can obviously do the performance and dance practice but 'might' not let her go to the party. I say he needs to decide before she goes to sleep. He will be up and out the house before 5am tomorrow and will not be back until 7 pm. Party invite is for 9am Saturday. I am going away for the weekend at 3 pm tomorrow. If she is really not going to the party then I need to inform birthday girl parents asap (tonight) to give them a chance to ask someone else tomorrow to fill place. Birthday girl will be REALLY disappointed as my DD is one of her best friends but if that's what needs to happen the other parents may understand. Although I don't think its fair to punish the birthday girl. DH eventually back tracks and tells DD she is not grounded on this occasion but clearly really pissed off at me for not backing him up. We are normally on the same page when it comes to this sort of thing but I think this time the consequence was out of line with the 'offence'. We are both quite strict parents but even I think that this was a bit OTT. Was I right in challenging his decision? Or am I being a bit lame as I don't want her weekend to be ruined and her friend to be upset.

I think she is becoming a young woman and reacted angrily to a 'man' (even though it was her dear old dad) telling her to get in line. Welcome to teenager life But she is young and it's normal to rebel. Roll with the punches but good to be on the same page of each other most of the time (but not all, inflexibility is not great).

at 12/13 i expected my girls to be in their room by 9.30. more so we could have somw quiet. phones downstairs. i checked on them when we went to bed at 11.00. i assumed they brushed their teeth.

she should done as she was told and that there needed to be a consequence but just not convinced this was the right consequence

Just call it a punishment. A consequence is something that follows naturally as a result of another event. You mean punishment.

I think at 12 years old 'bedtime' should be going to their bedroom for the night, but not having to get into bed and being expected to go to sleep.

Your DD was wrong for lying and arguing back and there needs to be consequences. Grounded doesn't necessarily mean having to miss out on sports events and parties.

As a child when I was 'grounded' it meant I was restricted to my room at all times when at home with no TV and was only allowed out for meals/toilet/shower etc. I hated it! And would be on my best behaviour afterwards!

Your dh is way over the top.

I know it's not ideal she talked back to him - but if you were half way through doing something and someone told you to stop - go do something else...it does sound like he's trying to make a point with her that he's in charge and she will do exactly what he says or else.
I'm also amazed she goes to bed at 9pm. My daughter is 10 and her brownies class finishes at 9.15pm.

Sorry but i think you've completely undermined him as a parent and that was out of order.
He is her father, she should have done as he said, not argued back repetitively. He chose a punishment, gave her fair warning that is what her punishment was going to be if she didn't do as she was asked, and she still didn't do it.
Absolutely the grounding should have stuck. It is now, as she goes into those pre teen years that she needs boundaries to be enforced, punishments to be followed through, or she'll learn she can walk all over you.

You owe your husband an apology, and next time, back him up.

Kids at this age push boundaries as is natural. They are all different so there is no "one size fits all" rule but I've got to say from my own experience there is no reason you can't stick to your guns at 12, it is a little bit down the road where you have to be picking your battles.

At 12, a grounding when they are pissing about at bed time seems fine, but I'd also take the hint and (at a different time so it doesn't look like rewarding bad behaviour) think about a later bed time and lights out time so you get less friction and are all happier.

Sorry but i think you've completely undermined him as a parent and that was out of order.
He is her father, she should have done as he said, not argued back repetitively.

This too. Soon OP and DH will be into the world of parenting a teenager - there be dragons and you need to start with an absolutely united front and clear boundaries to climb down from.

Just a little reminder to the hang em and flog em brigade (Almost), she's 12, she was putting her hair in curlers, not mainlining crack. Father sounds like a really aggressive twat.

Almost sorry I didn't mean to just single you out - I meant ALL of the hang em and flog em advocates on this thread.

I think, Pengggwn, that at age 12 you are ideally reaping the fruits of your consistent parenting in infancy and early childhood. You have children who are basically good kids, broadly compliant and with a strong moral code. However they are now at an age where they have to begin to find their own way, first tiny steps towards adulthood. So in this situation, I would have said "you know the rule, bedtime was ages ago, you have 5 mins to finish that and be in bed with clean teeth" rather than forcing an immediate confrontation. You save confrontation for the big infractions, like not coming home within a few minutes of when agreed, or stealing etc. Parenting teens is much less "disciplinarian" and much more "negotiative" I think.

Pengggwn i agree! Allthe 'he's an aggressive twat!' seriously?

So what was he punishing her for - defending herself, not doing as she was told immediately?

Picking on a child just to dominate them is wrong. Save your punishments for when she actually does something wrong, and you might get a kid who doesn't go off the rails at 16.

Great post oldbirdy. This is key:

'at age 12 you are ideally reaping the fruits of your consistent parenting in infancy and early childhood.'

She's not a toddler.

The lying about having done her teeth is the bit where I thought the punishment was justified.

I don't tolerate lying

I read it as though he is going to be annoyed at the op, for saying she should go to the party. Being cross with a twelve year old is one thing, having a grown woman not looking forward to a confrontation or sulk over differences in discipline is completely another.

At 12 they need to be working some things out for themselves.

There was no fair warning. he was spoiling for a fight.

The OP was right. If he doesn't want to be encouraged to 'back down' he should discuss with the OP first.

The lying about having done her teeth is the bit where I thought the punishment was justified - a PUNISHMENT? for not brushing her teeth? Are you on glue or just a bully? is this how you treat your own kids?

'The lying about having done her teeth is the bit where I thought the punishment was justified.

I don't tolerate lying'.

I can only imagine that if this overreaction over something so minor and so unclear is typical, then you will likely get lied to.