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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my DH has gone overboard with DD punishment

110 replies

okeydokeygirl · 22/06/2017 22:44

So DD is 12 years going on 16! She is normally in bed and lights out by 9pm but with hot weather we have been a bit more flexible. There have not been any issues. So tonight it is a lot cooler and she should have been in bed a while ago. DH went up at about 10pm to tell her to stop faffing around and get into bed. She was putting curlers in her hair FGS. He tells her to stop doing her hair, brush her teeth and get in to bed right away. BIG argument ensues where she says she has already brushed her teeth, he says she has not, she says she has, he proves she has not and says anyway do it again. Now he is getting cross as she is arguing back. This goes back and forth. I stay out of it as I think it is not too big a deal. She is a well behaved girl most of the time but she is growing up and this goes with the territory of having a pre teen. It is infuriating but this is how they learn to deal with conflict etc etc.. I expect him to give her an ultimatum either do what he says or x will happen. And he does. The ultimatum is "go and brush your teeth right now or you will be grounded". Then counts to 3 really quickly and says 'right that's it' you are grounded. Trouble is, she is in local am dram production Fri and Sat night; she has a close friend's birthday party Saturday and the friend was only allowed to invite 3 friends for her activity and birthday treat and DD has dance exam practice on Sunday. So really grounding is going to be really quite a big deal. DD in her bedroom. DH in our bedroom. Both seething with frustration. I go up and quietly ask if he is really going to ground her - what about all the plans for the weekend. He says she can obviously do the performance and dance practice but 'might' not let her go to the party. I say he needs to decide before she goes to sleep. He will be up and out the house before 5am tomorrow and will not be back until 7 pm. Party invite is for 9am Saturday. I am going away for the weekend at 3 pm tomorrow. If she is really not going to the party then I need to inform birthday girl parents asap (tonight) to give them a chance to ask someone else tomorrow to fill place. Birthday girl will be REALLY disappointed as my DD is one of her best friends but if that's what needs to happen the other parents may understand. Although I don't think its fair to punish the birthday girl. DH eventually back tracks and tells DD she is not grounded on this occasion but clearly really pissed off at me for not backing him up. We are normally on the same page when it comes to this sort of thing but I think this time the consequence was out of line with the 'offence'. We are both quite strict parents but even I think that this was a bit OTT. Was I right in challenging his decision? Or am I being a bit lame as I don't want her weekend to be ruined and her friend to be upset.

OP posts:

GwenStaceyRocks · 22/06/2017 23:22

As you say yourself, it spiralled very quickly. You could have left DH to make his own decision about lifting the grounding. If he's usually reasonable then he would have realised the punishment was ott and lifted it. You undermined him by forcing him to rescind his decision before he was ready and before your DD had had time to contemplate that her bad behaviour might have consequences.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 22/06/2017 23:25

When it's all calmer tell him that on another occasion to tell her that there will be a consequence but that she will find out what it is the following day. That way he can reflect with you if necessary and then decide, rather than losing his temper and then undermining himself. It's been so hot and kids can be so annoying that it's unsurprising tempers were fraying.

Rudi44 · 22/06/2017 23:26

Over reaction I would say. For similar with our 11 year old she would have no phone or iPad for 24'hrs. I also think lights out 9 sharp is early. DD is asleep around 9.45-10, mostly because she has sport most nights that mean she isn't home until 8.30-9.

llangennith · 22/06/2017 23:28

CatsInKilts · 22/06/2017 23:28

With this one I would have gone with the 'natural consequences' for everyone.

DD is still faffing about later than she should be. (Although in fairness, you've been okay with her doing this lately, so no reason why she would have known that tonight would be a problem). The consequence is that tomorrow she feels tired and crappy.

DH thinks that being grounded for three days is a suitable punishment. The consequence of that decision is that he has to be the one to make that happen. You can't just unilaterally make the decision and then leave it all to the other parent to implement and deal with.

As others have said, save the big punishments for the important stuff.

mummymeister · 22/06/2017 23:29

we don't have a specific bed time for ours and we stopped doing this for each one as they went to secondary school. this went along with the talk about taking more personal responsibility etc and part of that is knowing when to go to bed.

we have never had an issue and if anything they have wanted to go to bed stupidly early on occasions. tonight our youngest teen went off to bed at 8.30pm because they were tired and in our experience we have never had to get any of them up in the morning either.

Original poster

okeydokeygirl · 22/06/2017 23:30

LottieDoubtie and others.Thank you for your kind words of support and advice. We have never even threatened to 'ground' her before in this way. I have said if you don't do x then you won't be going to Y. She has always done X so never had to follow through. I think this was a snap decision in the heat of the moment. I will take all your comments on board and sit down with him on Sunday and talk through why I thought this was OTT. by then he may have thought about it a bit more and I can ask him what he would have liked me to do. bluntess thanks for your comments too. It is really hard sometimes to get the balance between discipline and letting a child learn how to be challenging. you are right we don't want to encourage her to be silent either.

OP posts:

gallicgirl · 22/06/2017 23:30

My DH and DD get a bit like this sometimes and DD is only 6! They can both be quite stubborn and dig their heels in.

Perhaps it would be a good idea when this has all calmed down to discuss parenting techniques and work out if there's a way to stop a situation escalating without undermining the other parent.

StaplesCorner · 22/06/2017 23:31

I can't believe what he did - that sounds really spiteful. So is he sitting there thinking what a great dad he is, he won?

Why can't a child argue back? She had a bloody good point, she was only putting curlers in not mainlining crack. You sound horrible "we are strict parents" that sort of over-reaction is nothing to be proud of. Feel sad for your DD, she's only a young girl once in a few years time her Dad can open her bedroom door and freak out as much as he likes, DD will be gone.

redladybird · 22/06/2017 23:31

Over the top. My 9 year old is going to bed at gone 9pm at the moment because it is so hot and light outside.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/06/2017 23:36

Yanbu that always so ott. My 3 yo was awake til 10 the other night as it was hot and she was uncomfortable, thirsty etc!

I don't have a 12 yo but I think grounding is very severe a punishment. It also shouldn't include commitments like am dram imo.

I think I'd give her the option of some very manageable chores to earn it back.

GreatFuckability · 22/06/2017 23:42

I would have not let her go to the party. its HER that is letting her friend down, and next time she might think twice about arguing about nothing. My 13 year old would and has had the same punishment. I'm all for them having a voice, but on this kind of thing, shes lying and just being awkward for the sake of it.
Also, lights out at 9pm is the norm here for my children. they are up early for school and need a decent 9/10 hours to function.

Quadrangle · 22/06/2017 23:42

Please don't let the birthday girl down at the last minute. It's not fair on her, especially as only a few are invited. The parents won't be impressed.

mctat · 22/06/2017 23:43

Agree with everything Bluntness said.

And this, too - I think your DH got very close to a big breach of trust -

'In a very short time she will be going out socialising with her teenage friends and you need to have developed a good dialogue with her so that she trusts you and you trust her and she can confide in you.'

Also, why is she allowed to stay up late some nights but not others? Had there been any discussion about tonight bring an earlier night? Teenagers are wired to test the boundaries, make sure they were clear before kicking off.

kali110 · 22/06/2017 23:44

You should've stepped in and put a stop to it all asa you realised it'd all gone pear-shaped.
Your DD is becoming a young lady and you need to step up and do the disciplining and get your DH to back off. Teenage girls have 'issues' that you will understand more than her father will.
In a very short time she will be going out socialising with her teenage friends and you need to have developed a good dialogue with her so that she trusts you and you trust her and she can confide in you.
Wtf?? So the op should only discipline the dd from now on then?
What about lone parents? Are their kids screwed without a mother?
What crap!
growimg up i was a lot closer to my dad even though apprently he wouldn't really have understood.

Original poster

okeydokeygirl · 22/06/2017 23:48

Just to be clear. He did backtrack and told her that she can go to the party. It is more me he is pissed off with for saying I thought the grounding was unreasonable. I think if he had time to process it he would have come to that decision himself but it was late and will not see her again till 10pm tomorrow. It was not fair to let her go to sleep with this big thing hanging over her - that would have been horrible for her. He is an amazing and loving dad most of the time. I think tiredness just got in the way tonight. Anyway it is sorted for now. I will speak to her in the morning I will read through your comments again and pick out the ones that are most helpful and and talk it through with DH on Sunday. Thanks for all of the constructive advice it has been really helpful.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 22/06/2017 23:51

So many people here defending a childs right to lie to a parent.

That doesnt bode well.

kali110 · 22/06/2017 23:55

Her dp is not spiteful!
Why is it ok for a child to argue and lie to their parents?
Maybe her dp went slightly overboard, but if this isn't a one off then ( can be challenging) then he maybe rather annoyed by it.

Italiangreyhound · 23/06/2017 00:08

I've not read all he posts but I mst say I agre with

llangennith "You should've stepped in and put a stop to it all asa you realised it'd all gone pear-shaped.

Your DD is becoming a young lady and you need to step up and do the disciplining and get your DH to back off. Teenage girls have 'issues' that you will understand more than her father will.

In a very short time she will be going out socialising with her teenage friends and you need to have developed a good dialogue with her so that she trusts you and you trust her and she can confide in you."

I have a 12 year old. She is becoming a young lady and I feel I need to cut her some slack. I am normally the more strict one but I think any sudden, unexplained punishment is not great. Better to say there will be a consequence and me and your mum will discuss it and get back to you!

Original poster

okeydokeygirl · 23/06/2017 00:08

Correction - he is an amazing and loving dad ALL of the time. He is just human like the rest of us and is not perfect and sometimes gets it wrong as do I.This is why I posted in the first place and genuinely wanted to know if I was being unreasonable or if I was justified saying I think he had made the wrong decision on this occasion.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 23/06/2017 00:14

".....if I was justified saying I think he had made the wrong decision on this occasion."

So what do you think of your daughter lying to her father?

AvaCrowder2 · 23/06/2017 00:15

I would have intervened. I would not have this sort of row going on.

I'd say dh! I need to speak to dd, help her finish her hair and chat with her. If she wants her hair doing that's fine but I'll help her to make sure she can get it done by x time.

So many girls and boys have so much going on at that age and going forward that I would want to always keep the lines of communication open.

You haven't done anything wrong though, your dh is wrong to be cross with you.

lalalalyra · 23/06/2017 00:46

Your problem is the inconsistent bedtime. When you make it flexible because of the heat you need to make it clear when normal bedtime is back in place.

Telling a girl to stop putting curlers in halfway through a headful is never going to end in anything other than a row.

Legma37 · 23/06/2017 02:34

Bluntness100

What if your 'discussion' stalemates? How do you then assert yourself as the parent? Genuine question.

Pengggwn · 23/06/2017 02:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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