AIBU to think that my DH has gone overboard with DD punishment

[okeydokeygirl]

So DD is 12 years going on 16! She is normally in bed and lights out by 9pm but with hot weather we have been a bit more flexible. There have not been any issues. So tonight it is a lot cooler and she should have been in bed a while ago. DH went up at about 10pm to tell her to stop faffing around and get into bed. She was putting curlers in her hair FGS. He tells her to stop doing her hair, brush her teeth and get in to bed right away. BIG argument ensues where she says she has already brushed her teeth, he says she has not, she says she has, he proves she has not and says anyway do it again. Now he is getting cross as she is arguing back. This goes back and forth. I stay out of it as I think it is not too big a deal. She is a well behaved girl most of the time but she is growing up and this goes with the territory of having a pre teen. It is infuriating but this is how they learn to deal with conflict etc etc.. I expect him to give her an ultimatum either do what he says or x will happen. And he does. The ultimatum is "go and brush your teeth right now or you will be grounded". Then counts to 3 really quickly and says 'right that's it' you are grounded. Trouble is, she is in local am dram production Fri and Sat night; she has a close friend's birthday party Saturday and the friend was only allowed to invite 3 friends for her activity and birthday treat and DD has dance exam practice on Sunday. So really grounding is going to be really quite a big deal. DD in her bedroom. DH in our bedroom. Both seething with frustration. I go up and quietly ask if he is really going to ground her - what about all the plans for the weekend. He says she can obviously do the performance and dance practice but 'might' not let her go to the party. I say he needs to decide before she goes to sleep. He will be up and out the house before 5am tomorrow and will not be back until 7 pm. Party invite is for 9am Saturday. I am going away for the weekend at 3 pm tomorrow. If she is really not going to the party then I need to inform birthday girl parents asap (tonight) to give them a chance to ask someone else tomorrow to fill place. Birthday girl will be REALLY disappointed as my DD is one of her best friends but if that's what needs to happen the other parents may understand. Although I don't think its fair to punish the birthday girl. DH eventually back tracks and tells DD she is not grounded on this occasion but clearly really pissed off at me for not backing him up. We are normally on the same page when it comes to this sort of thing but I think this time the consequence was out of line with the 'offence'. We are both quite strict parents but even I think that this was a bit OTT. Was I right in challenging his decision? Or am I being a bit lame as I don't want her weekend to be ruined and her friend to be upset.

No wonder she is challenging sometimes, she is being treated like a six year old.

It would say it is appropriate not to have a bedtime at 9pm and then be grounded for a weekend for having the audacity to question her father.

I'd also expect a child in secondary school to able to be trusted to brush their own teeth without being told to by their parents.

The punishment was totally out of proportion and the indication is that the father sees himself as omnipotent and that anything that he says, goes, without question. I dont think that is the way to parent a child of this age.

She's ballsy. Good for her. Your husband was way OTT and looked petulant and then a prat.

The way he handled the situation was punitive and in the heat of the moment. Under these circumstances, I think it is appropriate to back down and treat the situation as a life lesson. Better to talk about it on Sunday with dh then dd and agree boundaries together as a family.

Yes I do think her Dad has a right to tell her what to do, I also think she has a right to speak and question it and not be punished for that.

If she was stood on the train tracks and her dad told her to get off and she questioned it, that's maybe different. Is she never allowed to speak for herself?

Then, her father counts to 3 really quickly after he says she'll be grounded at the end of the countdown. Did he actually give her a chance to comply with the ultimatum? Because it sounds to me like he wanted to ground her for speaking back to him, which I don't think is the right attitude.

She hadn't yet brushed her teeth, no. Or so the father says. The daughter claimed she had.

Hmm, my eldest is nearly 11. We are an in bedroom by 8 (for all dc 5-10) but they can quietly occupy themselves. Dd will normally finish reading or drawing by 9:45ish, but I wouldn't be phased by 10. Esp since she is well-behaved and generally respects boundaries.

I think your dh overreacted, my dh does too. It frustrates the hell out of me. Like others, I'd be glad my dd challenged something she felt was unfair, I'd hope that's something that she'd go throughout life - though I realise how annoying it is for a parent at the time. I'd negotiate her being able to do her weekend as planned, but explain how she was in the wrong and perhaps give her a 9:30 bedtime.

If that were my DD, I wouldn't have been able to "prove" she hadn't cleaned her teeth, she's 12 why is her father monitoring her bathroom visits? .

I have 2 DDs and I really did have to have several chats with DH, re "discipline". He grew up in a very male household where shouting at each other was totally normal. Also swearing profusely at each other if things went wrong. DH had to learn, pretty darn quick, that is NOT normal or acceptable to treat teenagers like this.
Dds are in their twenties now, all have a close, loving relationship. Tell you DH that if he wants that for his DD, he needs to treat her with respect, he is the adult and he has to be the bigger person. She will then treat him with respect!

How did your DH deal with her when she was a toddler? Probably a lot of understanding and patience! He needs to apply that to his DD now. (It also helps to visualise them as massive toddlers having tantrums, as it makes you laugh inside and it is much easier to remain calm ).

12 years old and a 9pm bedtime on a friday night is a bu. My dd is 12. I send her up at 9pm but it's up to her what time she goes to sleep. And on a fri/sat night she goes up when she wants.

He was bu with an over the top punishment for something relatively minor. And a bit of a bully. Children need to learn by their mistakes and self regulate some things like sleep. Dd knows if she isn't asleep for about 9.30pm she is tired in the morning for school.

And yes I agree that it's a good thing to "challenge" your parent when they are clearly in the wrong. If you don't let her do that at home, to a certain point, she will end up being too afraid to challenge anyone in authority when she's older. Your DD has balls and confidences! Good for her!

Some people seem to be forgetting that the previous 2 nights it had been fine for her to stay up. It's not about the actual bedtime, it's about poor communication by the dad.

I couldn't get that worked up about hair and teeth to be honest.

Well we won't agree then, if you don't "expect to be checked" by your kids then I fundamentally disagree with you on parenting. I do think that a 12 year is quite old and capable of making many decisions themselves, not having their bathroom visits and bedtimes policed by their father. I believe there is a tendency to treat children as if they are younger than they are in this country actually.

But you have your way and I have mine.

"she's not Edward Snowden*

Pen she's 12, she thinks she is

I am glad he backtracked.

Talk to him to about imposing punishments that impact other people. I would be very very unimpressed with a parent who chose to remove a guest from my child's 'chosen 3' for a no-doubt paid for party activity. He quickly backed down on a dance exam session that will benefit HIS daughter, but you had to challenge him over the thing that could have wrecked another 12 year olds birthday treat?

He just needs to find ways to calm himself down. Heat of moment can get very hot indeed if it escalates with tens.