Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH may be having an affair??

586 replies

Autvet · 22/06/2017 19:46

Asking because I can't get my head round this.... please help!! DH works away a lot, nice hotels etc ... emptying his trousers for washing this evening ( yep I'm living the dream) & found his room paper key for yesterday's hotel stay - no of people on room is 2 confused.... he called me to say hi last night but from the hotel gardens as reception 'awful' in hotel room.... am I being suspicious or is it deserved?? Really want to call hotel as I've kept room key etc but how can I find out how many people stayed etc etc ?? Any ideas ?? sad

OP posts:
Laiste · 23/06/2017 10:23

roomster if you've genuinely got other peoples confidential info on your phone then it does cloud the issue, i do agree.

However, it's not quite as simple as only being trusted because you don't have a password ect. It's not as hard line as that. It's just part of a whole approach i guess.

DH has been cheated on in the past. (not by me) He likes the fact i'm totally open to the no password thing but i don't think it would be a deal breaker if push came to shove. We don't actually look at each others phones. Thinking about it if i found out that he does sometimes look at mine i honestly don't mind. (but then i have a boring life with no info on anyone else on there :))

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roomster101 · 23/06/2017 10:24

Roomster you'd let your DH use your mobile to make a call/text someone/google though right?

The situation has never arisen. His phone takes about 5 minute to charge and we have a landline, computer etc. If we were out and there was a situation where he needed it, I would but I wouldn't give the password.

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 10:26

Roomster - you sound very uptight about your passwords. Even my friends and I share our phones and whatnot. I don't think anyone has such an interesting life that it needs to be under lock and key, but hey we are all different so maybe you do have something more interesting to hide away. Who knows.

hellomoon · 23/06/2017 10:27

Agree hellomoon every conference I've been to has been a hotbed of debauchery.

yep - has to be seen to be believed. It's amazing how people can separate their home life and their sleeze life with no issues whatsoever.

Laiste · 23/06/2017 10:29

In response to a poster upthread - if your mate's DP had gone to the lengths of getting a different phone to carry on his cheating while barefacedly showing her his 'normal' one then she didn't stand a chance and was well out of it in the end. What a bastard :(

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 10:30

Laiste could not agree more, she is well out of it.

Roomster101 · 23/06/2017 10:31

Roomster - you sound very uptight about your passwords. Even my friends and I share our phones and whatnot. I don't think anyone has such an interesting life that it needs to be under lock and key, but hey we are all different so maybe you do have something more interesting to hide away. Who knows.

I don't think keeping information confidential is "uptight" Hmm

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 10:33

What information Roomster? Like what, a photo of your hamster, the cat doing cartwheels. What information? Do share....

Dadstheworld · 23/06/2017 10:36

That's the point, they don't want to share

My phone for example would have work emails, discussing confidential market info, product consolidation which could lead to loss of jobs. Considering my OH knows a lot of my colleagues, this could put her in an awkward position.

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 10:42

Dadsoftheworld.

Most people do not work for MI5 what they have on their phones etc is of now great consequence to anyone.

What is the point of a relationship if you do not want to 'share' it with another.

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 10:43

correction is of no great consequence to anyone

123MothergotafleA · 23/06/2017 10:44

.

Dadstheworld · 23/06/2017 10:45

You have a very blinkered view of the world.

WarriorsDance · 23/06/2017 10:45

@Laiste Indeed, he was a devious, gaslighting fucker and I never liked him. Now she's found a lovely new man but can't 100% trust him due to what her husband did Sad

The point is that having access to your partner's phone 24/7 is not always proof that they have nothing to hide. If anything it just lulled her into a false sense of security so she ignored some things that would have been a red flag if he'd refused access to his phone.

Slarti · 23/06/2017 10:49

Haven't rtft but I couldn't help noticing that the first couple of pages are full of suggestions to impersonate other people, pretend to have left something in the room, trick the hotel into breaking data protection, and basically be very unscrupulous and deceitful to a dh who as far as we know hasn't actually done anything wrong. Very few suggestions to openly discuss it! Maybe there's a reason some pp don't trust their DPs when deception comes so naturally to themselves.

Bluntness100 · 23/06/2017 10:54

I have a job with a confidential email account. I am obliged not to discuss my work with anyone (inc DH) Due to the nature and confidential manner of my work nothing is ever sent to my mobile or personal email accounts because they are insecure. So by default this is not reasonable grounds to be so protective about a mobile phone..because it is highly unlikely to have anything truly confidential on there

You are clearly just making stuff up and posting it. I have access to my work emails on my work phone, the only phone I have, and although they are heavily encrypted through a secure server, I can assure you the information is very very confidential.

It's irrelevant though. What the hell happened to trust? When uou need to go through your partners phone then there is no trust. I married him, I have no personal secrets, but the moment he stops trusting me, or me him and we need to go through each other's phone to check nothing dodgy is going on, then the relationship is pretty much dead.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/06/2017 10:55

I agree with Roomster.

I have an encrypted laptop and phone for work, I sign non disclosure agreements and hold a senior position in a professional capacity. If my firm or the profession I am accredited to found out I handed my password or my unlocked phone/laptop to my husband, I would be sacked and struck off the register. My firm would most probably lose clients and I would be sued in a professional capacity for breaking the terms of a non disclosure agreement.

It's ok calling someone uptight if they're working behind the bar at the local pub or running a sandwich shop, but there are life changing repacussions for my career if I'm to hand out work IT/passwords, and perhaps people who don't understand haven't had to work in this type of environment.

CremeFresh · 23/06/2017 10:56

Hope you're ok Op. Lots of debate on here about what you should and shouldn't be doing , you can only do what you think is right and what sits right with your conscience.

Roomster101 · 23/06/2017 10:59

What is the point of a relationship if you do not want to 'share' it with another

Eh? So you think there is no point in having a relationship if you don't want to share confidential work information and/or other people's personal information which is of no relevance to your partner. How childish/pathetic.

NanooCov · 23/06/2017 10:59

OP, none of what you have said would concern me about my own husband. Hotels do write 2 guests sometimes to denote the maximum occupancy of the room rather than actual number of occupants, country house hotels often do have crap phone reception, the hotel you previously checked the reception of probably wouldn't tell you the truth about their phone reception (lovely grounds, fine dining and crap mobile reception is unlikely to be a description used in the brochure) and a grown adult could conceivably eat two salads and two beers.

However, you are clearly worried and concerned and you know your husband best out of all these randoms posting (and winding you up).

You need to sit down and speak calmly with him about it. If he gets annoyed it is proof of nothing. But you need to talk about why you are suspicious.

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TipTopTipTopClop · 23/06/2017 11:01

OP I've read your posts but not the whole thread.

I think it's possible he is cheating, but possible he's not. I'm not heartened by his reaction e.g. checking that you're OK every 5 min.

I'd just say I think you're having an affair and go from there.

RE: phones. My phone is 99.99% for my use, but If my or my husband's phone is dead or whatever it would not be unusual for one of us to borrow the other, hence we know each others' codes. My husband just went a week between phones so he had mine a fair bit.

I don't get tetchy if he needs to google something on my phone and vice versa. Likewise we often use my phone as an Apple TV remote -I find it weird to be territorial about your phone with your S.O.

I can't understand phones in the bathroom.

MrsBen88 · 23/06/2017 11:03

As someone who used to be in hotels no way they'd confirm the number of people in the room over the phone to a stranger (assuming they knew). And you asking them to confirm details would throw a red flag. They might agree to send you the invoice over the email they have in the system. If it's a private booking then they wouldn't send anything to his company - they'd tell the company they need to speak to him directly.

OP - from what you've said I wouldn't assume my OH was cheating - even with the 2 salads. He might be telling the truth and it comes down to wether you believe him or now. Talk to him though and try and do it calmly. If he tells you nothing's gone on and that isn't good enough for you then you need to consider counselling or something similar. That suspicion isn't going to go away on it's no and it isn't healthy for either of you.

For what it's worth, don't ask to see his phone. I'd go crazy if my word wasn't good enough for my OH. Asking to see my phone would cross a line. My phone has work files in it and all my emails so I'd get in trouble if my boss found out OH had access to it. There's also stuff about what I'm buying him for his birthday and screenshots of cool gifts to remind me. I'd be pretty pissy if he went through my phone and saw that stuff. Especially if he demanded to see my phone to prove something I wasn't doing in the first place.

HildaOg · 23/06/2017 11:03

On the phone thing... I don't let anyone near mine. I have a naked man collection with pictures of every man I date so it would be a massive invasion of their privacy if anyone saw that.. My messages are full of mine and my friends personal information. My google search makes me look like the biggest weirdo ever. If I was attached I may have to get rid of the photos and some contacts but I'm not sure I'd want a partner looking through even the innocent stuff.